opening my life up to you

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#1 Dec 31 - 11AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

opening my life up to you

for those of you still in this pain and maybe those who have remained in contact i encourage you before this new year to write everything you can about what you remember happened to you ..... it has helped me greatly and the amount that comes out is ...well here is mine
and its long...maybe you find the same events?
PLEASE READ

1.grabbing me by my throat and throwing me into the kitchen sink at his dads spraying me with the capri sun he was holding

2. Grabbing my hands or fingers crushing them to get out of my hand whatever i was holding on to..cell phone..keys..my ring..whatever

3 always demanding privacy and respect

4. He violently threw me on the floor, bed, couch..or just threw me. backing me into corners..even the shower

5. Grabbing me one handed by the throat and squeezing me hard

6. Was not allowed a outside circle of friends though he had that

7.lying to the cops everytime

8 compulsive lying to his parents, friends and co workers and strangers all the time

9. Mocking my pain or fear

10throwing and kicking my cat because she was on the dresser

11. him grabbing jasmine as she was alseep in her crate choking her and throwing her into the wall.

12. Using the words "Riggght" "Your the one who.." "You always" "You Never" "I Don't do this to anyone but you" "Your the only one I get angry at" "you are the one who needs counseling" "I'm not lying" "Trust me" "your never going to trust me"

13. Cunt, Bitch, Whore, Old,Wrinkly, Liar, Cheater, Abuser, Manipulator

14. Him coming into the bedroom part of the motel in vegas and grabbing me by my throat trying to get my phone from me choking me and grabbing my face

15. When he would hurt me he would hurt himself with either my arms, knees or grab a object and hit himself in the head

16. Him grabbing a knife going into the bathroom like he is going to kill himself, or grabbing it and playing with it in front of me saying he is going to do it to get away from me

17. making me out to be the dysfunctional crazy one to everyone

18. Bringing up my past relationships and my failures continually things i shared with him that he used against me

19. Brett correcting my vocabulary and spelling and grammar always "its an not A" " its television not TV" and punctuation in text

20. Lying to my face about talking to girls in general and getting numbers and hiding texts and numbers....deceitful all the way around putting them under mens names. if not texting them flirting behind my back while up at the casinos or deleting everything or keeping it on facebook

21. Lying to my face about texting girls and outbox always empty or texts missing i caught him lying about this the entire time there was never one time he was not talking to another girl no matter how many times he looked at my face and said he wasn't doing that anymore

22. Lying about larissa and me finding out from going up there and finding her that he gave her his number said she didnt have a boyfriend and him saying he was single

23. Stealing my cell phone this last time when I threw him out, he says he doesn't have it he does. Just like he had the key for my car he said he didn't have yet he got his Cd's out of my car

to add to the above i had asked him prior to this if he had the spare key for my car he said NO

24. Lying to my face about another girl at his work. he set it up to sound like a girl at his work was making him uncomfortable, that there was a list where the employees have their numbers written down and he is worried she "might text me" we just moved to the town two weeks ago, throughout the week working there he was coming home later and later and texting saying it was his mom or sister. Never was..this is a repeated offense

One night at 11:00 she text him while him and i were cuddling. I asked him who was texting him he say it was his sister saying hey brother whats up, when i asked to see his phone he said no, walked away saying you don't trust me and your making me angry right now i followed him to the bedroom where he deleted everything in text or was texting and i threw his ass out immediately...while he was packing his shit i called the number left in the phone and a girl answered i said who did it first she said he did that he put his number into her phone..he denied it said i believe her over him and i had enough and he was gone the whole time he packed his shit in garbage bags he told me i don't trust him and believe her over him and that he was going to take care of it because it was embarrassing she was texting him when he told her about me....i didn't buy it..he called left 26 messages , got to co week later told me the truth that he did do it ( like he was doing me a favor for telling me the truth)

25. Went behind my back and talked to Aubrey and emily

26. Threatening me of a place to live all the time I was thrown out in any form of fight or broke up with or both then got mad when i would leave and said he never said it was over

27. he was quick to start grabbing my stuff and packing it

28. Broke up with me all the time more then ten times more then twenty when i would leave he would say i didn't say i was breaking up with you where are you going..your leaving me

29. Blamed me for his unsuccessfulness in wanting to be a performer and that i could have but never supported him so ultimately blames me for not doing anything to support his dreams of being famous singer like micheal buble

30. Letting his mom verbally bash and abuse me at her bar did nothing to protect me ever. very defensive over her

31. Never told the truth about anything as near as I can tell that he has ever told me air force, capitol records, where he is, what he does, texts, calls, interactions...talking about me..etc. he has a kid..how many people he slept with...nothing is the truth or real with him for that matter

32. Lied about capital records, he never went lied majorly about it said he went to la twice for it< there never was a capital records>dont know what he did all those days he was texting me from "down there"

33. Once he had me in the corner at the pines and kept me there grabbing my face and telling me to put my arms down that I had up to protect myself he kept slapping them and grabbed my closed fists hitting himself in the head with my own hands this is very very sick he his hit himself with my body countless times

34. In this same fight someone text him and he stopped what he was doing to me and answered and then continued hurting me raging on me

35.never showed any empathy or remorse for anything said or done ever EVER

36. Threaten he was the best I will ever find and ill never find anyone like him and that he is a catch and never cheated on me and only loved me everyday< basically that its me>he did everything he could and i wouldn't be where i am today without him

37. Ripped the necklace my son gave me off my neck at the pines and broke it

38. Dumped all my makeup and everything everywhere breaking a lot of it in a fight

39.Holding over my head how much he has done for me..he has done nothing for me

40. Trying to say he brought me to wa when I paid my own damn way and drove my own damn car

41. constantly put words into my mouth or said things i didn't say and saying it like i did. twisting my words

42. found ways to sabotage friendships i was developing constantly

43. was extremely jealous all the time ALL THE TIME

44. he made comments like "those earings that were really thin that you could run your finger through" i never had earrings like that , and would tell him this..subject got dropped..couldnt seem to keep his girlfriends straight

45. after he physically hurt me there was no real emotions, nothing genuine he would say stuff like you know how i get or you were not validating my feelings

46. he changed his story multiple times about how many people he has been with

47. Tells me i cant let the past go

48. he sticks to the lie " i never cheated on you"

Dec 31 - 5PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Blue and Moons...

That is totally horrific, I can't believe it. Well done for.finding.the strength to finally stay away. I hope they don't ever hoover! That is scary sh*t!
Dec 31 - 5PM
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

wow

It blows my mind that you can remember and deal with all this stuff. Good for you!!! If I tried to do this It would totally horrify me.
Dec 31 - 5PM
faith_
faith_'s picture

wow, Blue, Wow.... You are a

wow, Blue, Wow.... You are a warrior for getting out of it and surviving! I read it all, had times when i totally wanted to chime in...the ridiculousness, the details, the two-timing, the lies, (that she got His number from a company directory, but HE put his own number in her phone...and He had texted her first...talking about your earrings but they were another girl's--ex once talked about soomething like that and I couldn't for the life of me remember what he was talking about, then I thought, it was probably another girl--the "you don't trust me and if you did everything would flow" "I'm not like this with anyone else" the condescenting "riiiggghhh" I totaly got that). I'm sorry he's a monster for all that. For stopping his beating you when a text came in, then continuing?? And he wants to be a singer like Michael Buble? Ok, your list really made me angry. Sending you love and hugs and so happy for your strength and beauty and awareness and truth. Happy New Year :) And to everyone here :))
Dec 31 - 2PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You have that list

Accept it for having been something that you experienced. Personally I would now burn it and make it go up in smoke. UP UP & AWAY!
Dec 31 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
faith_
faith_'s picture

I read something like that.

I read something like that. To get out all the bad stuff then to burn or rip it...like a cleansing letting go of the crap kind of thing. On the one hand you want to have it to remember in case you get emotional about the guy, and on the other hand it's satisfying freeing to burn that thing.
Dec 31 - 1PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Nothing to miss about that

Nothing to miss about that animal huh? What a nightmare you lived through. So sorry. Glad you are on the road to healing and found the ability to love yourself enough to escape him. Great job! Stay the course, you deserve so much better, as I am sure you know now! Happy New Year!
Dec 31 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
into the light
into the light's picture

Oh, so glad you're not with

Oh, so glad you're not with that abuser anymore. He sounds out of control. But you can now look forward. Stay strong. Happy New Year!
Dec 31 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I can see why you miss him?.

I can see why you miss him?. Yuck.. Hunter
Dec 31 - 12PM
alicat
alicat's picture

I too had most of those

I too had most of those things happen to me! It is heart wrenching! The pain is deep, and I'm sad u had to endure it too! Everyone is right! When they Hoover and u take the bait like I did the D&D is worse! He made me feel like a whore then threw me away again! No more! We r way better than that! I hope u have a happy new year! New year-new us! Take care! ALI
Dec 31 - 11AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

those are facts

this was my life and it was for three years and i honestly the more i see this more i realise WOW , not only what the hell was i thinking but he WILL NEVER EVER change never he is the abuse he is the dysfuction, this will never stop get better or change never i hope my personal pain and angst helps someone out there myy love to you all
Dec 31 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Isabella B
Isabella B's picture

Blue

It is seeing it in writing that surprises me each time. I was brainwashed and I'm still overcoming the effects of it. I didn't know how bad it was...but I just wrote the post "Weird things about Ex N," and looking at that short list is enough, should be enough to convince anyone who twisted he is. The Ex N was not physically violent, but mentally and emotionally - I'm still black and blue inside. Thanks for sharing your list--I plan on doing it later too. The other one was just a start.
Dec 31 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

Jeez Blue, I could hardly

Jeez Blue, I could hardly read that..my stomach got tight and I became so anxious for you. I experienced very little physical abuse from him..nothing more that bruises on my arms when he grabbed me. But, I had all the emotional abuse: Telling me that bartender blew him in his truck last year. That's how he knew her Telling me he dated the girl at the party a few years back..the one that looked like a skank with her boobs hanging out of her shirt..then telling me she followed him into the house and tried to talk to him Telling me I look like a whore when I wear this cute dress that I liked or my high heal shoes that were so cool Throwing my cell phone into my bedroom mirror because I wouldn't let him snoop on my laptop computer...of course they both shattered..he never paid a dime to replace them Never repaid me the $600 loan to get his son a gun for his birthday..he just squandered the money Always talked about other woman's private areas..tried to get me to do anal (no way)..talked about men he knew with their weird sexual perversions like pooping and peeing on women..we both thought that was weird, but after reading here I think he was testing me to see how far he could push me Punishing me for relationships or thing I did 30 years ago Always being paranoid other men were constantly hitting on me, and telling me he knew someone everywhere I went..control Let his 10 year old son crawl into bed with us when I didn't have on any clothes Constant gas lighting and stonewalling I wasn't an innocent victim tho..I constantly corrected his grammar..told him he couldn't wear those clothes with me..hung up on him and wouldn't answer the phone..broke up with him because he was such a jerk..told him I was on a date (when I was home in bed)
Dec 31 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

It was really a horrible

It was really a horrible relationship..but I still loved him, who I thought he was, and who I think he was sometimes trying to be. I sometimes saw him try to be a better man for me and saw a conscience flash before his eyes. It is so much better without him and his drama (that he blamed on me). I am too much of a reactor..but I tried not to be..being a jerk back to him was the only thing that worked, not who I want to be though. Someday, I will be over him..it's getting better every day thanks to all of you and my wonderful kids. I deserve so much more than he could ever offer me.
Dec 31 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
susnebraska
susnebraska's picture

Relate Completely

I understand your words completely. Same.