overcome...broke NC

My X N emailed me at work about getting his stuff back...felt I had to answer out of courtesy, and didn't want him to get work involved in case he was testing me. SUCKS. Was riding high last night even after NC because at least I felt I won because I blocked him. Didn't really block, just told him I blocked my cell because my cell phone service doesn't have blocks. So I faked it.

However, that made him email me at work, and I felt pressured; afraid he might cause a problem here if I didn't show the courtesy of giving him his stuff. So told him would get his stuff together and I would unblock my phone to text him where and when he could get them. Politely lambasted him that he shouldn't email me at work (he's one floor above) but of course he had no choice because he thought he was blocked. He was reasonable when he asked, but did follow up with, 'there's no reason we have to be immature about this'. But I wasn't!!! HE was last week during my NC by being sarcastic to me because I wouldn't look at or acknowledge him.

Think he gets it, and I did say in my email that it appears he gets I want no contact, but not to contact me once the stuff is taken care of. And that this is the only thing we can talk about when we text about the stuff tonight. I told him it was not immature for me to block my email and phone, since he did not respect my NC. He answered and said thank you for helping with this.

Then I crashed at work, felt so much sadness. this was this am and i still feel it. I know it's over and need it to be, but the sadness is really breaking through now. I don't trust myself and how i'll be when i contact him for the last time. I'm just heartbroken. Thanks for listening.