Paranoia......Help!

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#1 Jul 13 - 11PM

gigi9

Paranoia......Help!

Help! I am having periods of paranoia where I am suddenly panic stricken that the exNH/emotionally abusive a**hole is going to some how find a way to hurt me again. He was very overtly abusive. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would believe it unless married to/living with him. He is a marital thearpist of all things! And I am finding myself becoming fearful more and more and I don't know why. I am 27 days NC and am having ZERO problem not contacting him and he has not attempted to contact me (thank g*d) but I have this doom and gloom paranoid feeling. I just read the article posted about abuse and found this part to be particularly helpful:

"This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up."

And I have finally "awoken" and am finding myself more afraid and paranoid now. Has anyone else had this experience?

#2 Jul 14 - 1PM

almostlydia

It was intense in the

It was intense in the beginning because I never knew when he would show up, which he did quite often but never when he texted 'i'm coming'. It would be the next morning or next night. So he set me up to be on pins and needles and then when he didn't show, i'd relax and bam there he was standing in my house again. I never knew how he got in on previous occasions when i would wake up and find him on the end of my bed at mid night or i would find a duplicate bday card in my purse that had not been there the night before. I had changed all the locks months before but he still got in - said the door was unlocked. I spent months with scotch tape across all my doors so that when i went out I would know if the door had been opened. Once he sent me a text on fri saying that he was on his way over when he was actually on his way out of town. I spent the whole weekend jumping at every noise in the house. My dog had gotten used to him showing up at the back door to my sunroom so often during particular times of the day or night that he would jump up and stare at door and set me off again. It was torture. Plus, because I knew he had bugged my house in the past, I never felt safe in my house anymore. I had no peace anywhere and never knew if he had planted another one on one of his secret visits. Fortunately, it does abate in time as they eventually move on and focus on their new supply. I thought he would never let me go as he would tire of his new supply fairly quickly and start working on me again. But finally, with no response from me for months he finally seems to have moved on. And I am not afraid of him any more. The only thing I fear and dread now is eventually running into him somewhere. I still get the shakes when I think I see his car or have to drive past his business. I'm not sure how I would handle it but I think probably not the way I would like. Plus, it has always been after he sees me that he starts preying on me again. Like he forgot all about me until seeing me again. Ten yrs - and it takes a visual to start thinking about me again. Geesh.

almostlydia

#3 Jul 14 - 5AM

awayfromhim

This is normal. I have PTSD

This is normal. I have PTSD as a result of 30 years with an N and the paranoia when I first left him was intense. As time moves forward, it's not gone, it's just abated a bit. I was conditioned to having the rug ripped out from under me. I had no idea how afraid I consistently was until I was out of the situation and could take a look at it. Walking around on eggshells, being afraid of what might happen if I said or did this or that caused me to be on constant alert. I was conditioned to be paranoid. Thus, just because he was out of the picture didn't mean the conditioning went away. In my case, only time is helping with the situation. You will be ok. Be patient with yourself. Recovery takes time.

#4 Jul 14 - 12AM

betty2020

Honey take a deep breath. I

Honey take a deep breath. I know how you feel. It took me a good 3 months before i could stop looking out my windows every 5 minutes thinking he was coming for me. I wasted a lot of time and energy worrying about this and nothing came of it. Even if it would have happened, the worry wouldn't have prevented it. If you have other reasons that you feel you are in serious danger then go and get that restraining order immediately. only one way to go...Forward

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Jul 14 - 12AM

neveragain5

gigi9

First, I really hope that the article was more helpful than hurtful.....You are not alone. I was completely terrified and paranoid after the break-up. During that time I had no idea what he was capable of and I knew that he had a gun. He was stalking me while we were at work and following me around, waiting for me once everybody had left, even after I told him that I would get a restraining order against him. For months after, he would text me and let me know in a "friendly" way that he would be "around" in the next few weeks. I knew that he did it to scare me and it worked. It sounds like the NC is working with you and he hasn't tried to contact you. I looked for your story, but I couldn't find it, so I don't know the details. The things that worked for me were talking to others about how scared I was. The other things that helped were changing my locks, putting an alarm on my back door and buying some wasp spray and a baseball bat. These were things that I doubt I will ever need, but they helped me at the time to feel like I was taking control.

#6 Jul 14 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

gigi9

neveragain5

Thanks for your reply. I have not posted my story yet because truly I just don't know where to begin and at this point it really could be a book! LOL. My exNH was not overtly abusive.....yelling, threatening, guns, violence (although he did push me twice and punch a hole in the wall twice....all while projecting onto me that I was abusive!) You see his was mostly overtly abusive and I think on many levels that this just f**ks with your mind more. He is a marital therapist and very stealth in psychology and manipulative like no one I have ever met. Yet I could not see it when I was in it and am only now coming to terms with this. To give an example of this...I was walking down the hall one day and my dog was following me. Suddenly there was a "bang" like something had fallen and my dog jumped into the living room and I noticed that my husband jumped into the computer room. I went to look for the source of the "bang", rounded the corner to find my husband cowering in the computer room. When I asked him "What was that?" His response was "See even (dog's name) is scared of you. Why were you stomping down the hallway?" When I told him that I wasn't he told me that I was. He has several times pulled tricks like this one on me and has advised me several times that I am the abusive one. This has left me completley bewildered and questioning myself. I am now NC 27 days and at times find myself paranoid that something is around the corner. It's not like he actually physically stalked me just this uneasy feeling in my mind that I can't shake. I just feel mind f**cked. One time in marital counseling (that of course he was only invested in in a limited way) I actually told the therapist that I would prefer for him to punch me in the face so that at least I knew what was happening. This covert mental abuse BS was something I could never put my finger on. And then of course when I said that the exNH said "I can't believe you would want me to abuse you" And the therapist said to him "That is not what she said or meant. Didn't you hear her?" And then of course the exNH ignored me/gave me the silent treatment for the day...if not longer. So suffice to say...I have questioned literally everything and feel such an uneasy almost paranoid feeling at times. I think he has secured new NS so hopefully he will not contact me again. Although part of this uneasy feeling is knowing that someday he will surface again and I hope by that time I am strong enough to not fall into his mind f**cking web.

#7 Jul 14 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Lisa E. Scott

Gigi

Wow, he sounds horrible. I hope for your sake he has found new supply so you won't be bothered by him for awhile. I strongly encourage you to write down your story when you have time. Even if you don't share it with us, it's extremely important to write it out so you can begin the healing process. I truly believe we must make sense of the chaos and trauma we endured and this is the first step in doing that. It helps much more than you might realize. xoxo

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