please help urgent advice needed

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Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
aj51
aj51's picture

I've never understood why in

I've never understood why in some married couples there are women who won't go out because their husband is home or because their husband is not home. Don't you want a girls night out? A night to put up your hair and have some fun? I have married friends that do regularly, it's how women stay happy in their marriage. Could you imagine just always being at home with a husband or waiting for him to be home? I would feel very lonely and depressed; I would probably also get really sick of him lol ;) You may want to re-evaluate your friendships with these individuals as well. I'm sure they are wonderful people, but remember friendships change over time. I've had lots of friends come and go because we change. Maybe they don't realize that they are not coming out as often. Try organizing a girls night or perhaps recommend you do a monthly girlie get together to bring you all back together again. Perhaps even try to spend more time with other single people. I know alot of towns have singles groups. It's not a group meant to meet someone and potentially start a romantic relationship (although it wouldn't be bad if that happened), but it is meant purely as a friends group. My brother actually recently joined one in our local town and wow I must admit I'm jealous how packed his social calendar is. Someone is always hosting a pot luck, a costume party, a garden party, they go out for dinner once a month. I'm thinking I may join the club too in the new year. But don't forget, you could also join an interest group and hang out with some new people. For example, volunteer, sit on an executive committee for a non-profit organization etc. You need to build your circle of friends and diversify. Bring other positive people into the fold and you in turn will feel positive about yourself and life! I understand that it is hard and there is some pressure in wanting to have children, find a husband and settle down, but unfortunatly, life is not as happily ever after as our parents made it seem. Don't put that pressure on yourself. I have always said when you're not looking for a relationship, it just happens. The more you look, the more unlikely it will happen. I would recommend you watch some re-runs of Sex and the City. Watch how the character Samantha operates. While ok she sleeps with just about everything and surpresses her emotions because she does not want to get hurt, you got to admire how she is able to be like - 'honey I know I'm fabulous and that's all that matters to me' - aka I love myself. Even in past relationships she has had, when she finally ends them, she often says the relationship is ending because she loves herself more (than the sick/emotionally abusive relationship she was in). I also recommend you check out this book: 20 Something, 20 Everything by Christine Hassler. While it is primarily focused on women in their 20s, there are many questions in the book where women in their 30s, 40s etc. have never asked themselves and they are so key to learning to love yourself and improve your life. A description about the book can be found at: http://www.levoleague.com/expand/20-something-20-everything-required-reading-for-all-gen-y-women/ BTW - he's not angry with you at all. He's just an N who is self-centered and doesn't care about the feelings/emotions of others.
Dec 30 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
sadanddown
sadanddown's picture

I've tried but friends never

I've tried but friends never want to go out just stay in with their men don't know any single women all coupled up! Need to watch budget too as have debt cause of him! I know he's a N but why did he decide to be nasty to me tonight when he was fine 3 days ago what triggered it?
Dec 30 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
aj51
aj51's picture

You may want to re-consider

You may want to re-consider if it is worth having those friends in your life. I know none of us ever want to lose friends, but sometimes we have to think, do these people bring any value to my life? What kind of relationship do I want with this person? For example: I have some friends I am in contact with every few months and we catch up/hang out. Because I still enjoy spending time with them, I just accept that this is the type of friendship I have with them. Some friends I talk with weekly and we have a different type of friendship. However, if I am the only person in the friendship putting in all the effort, I will cool it and see if they ever contact me. If they do – great! If not, well then to heck with them. Sometimes it hurts to realize a friendship ended, however I also learn pretty quickly that they really didn’t add any value to my life or think perhaps maybe they were only supposed to be a part of my life for a given period of time and that’s it. People drift – it’s natural and it doesn’t mean they don’t like the other person anymore, it’s just we all change over time and have different stuff going on in our lives. If these women were your true friends then they would make time to call you or see you regardless if they are married and have children. When I speak about ‘value’ in my life – I just mean they are there for me – to share my secrets with, to support me, to make me laugh, to shoot the breeze with etc. Of course we should always make sure we are being good friends as well and be reciprocal. It is important that we surround ourselves with positive people and a diversity of people. Don’t just cling to the same friends of the past. They can still be great friends, but you need to meet more people and expand your horizons and experiences. Fair enough re: watching the budget, but remember volunteering and getting involved in a project where you can meet people similar to yourself, as well as new types of people, is free! Don’t be afraid to take the plunge. You also didn’t do anything to trigger why he is ignorning you - it is part of a game he is playing. We don’t know what exactly makes a specific N ignore a supply. There could be many reasons from he’s bored because he already secured you and needs to add another supply source to his harem, to he might feel too close to you and the intimacy is scaring him, to he is trying to keep you in line because you threatened to leave him or asked for a relationship and his control was slightly taken away and he doesn't like that so by him not being around he knows it will freak you out and you will go back running to him and thereby restoring and reasserting his control over you. BTW – the first 25 pages to Lisa’s book can be found at the following link if you want to check it out. http://books.google.ca/books?id=0kedEhaN7FQC&pg=PA28&lpg=PA28&dq=narcissist+flight+lisa+e+scott&source=bl&ots=3RVynwgSMt&sig=S5jBpn_OV2A5rItBCORvNzxGeXY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=n1L-Ts3TIuHm0QGN9dAh&ved=0CE8Q6AEwBg#v=onepage&q&f=false
Dec 30 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
sadanddown
sadanddown's picture

everything just seems a huge

everything just seems a huge effort and struggle between him doing this to me,I don't have a life I've a stressful job and my dad is dieing in a nursing home with dementia there's nothing going right for me every area sucks and no matter how hard I try bad things keep happening takes me all my time to get up in morning hate everything right now including myself nothing to feel happy about either