POLL: When did you know something just "wasn't right"?

We were together since I was 19. I'm now 29. I rationalized so much of his behavior and made so many excuses. I'd be here all day...

I feel so stupid. There were so many signs that I ignored, and now looking back makes me slap my forehead. - He got upset over my threatening to leave, so he disappeared for a weekend after leaving me a suicide note via email. I was scared sick for 4 days, contacted his family, his best friend, etc. They actually weren't as concerned as I was. Turns out he just went to Mexico for the weekend. When he found out I told his family, he hit the roof and called me every name in the book and said I only did it to humiliate him. - At the beginning of our friendship, whenever we would disagree about something no matter how minor it was, he would start screaming. I mean SCREAMING, "I'M NOT WRONG! I'M NOT WRONG! SHUT UP! YOU LISTEN TO ME!" And then would either hang up the phone or storm out of the room. He eventually became more way passive aggressive and cooled it with the tantrums as he got older. - He told me he spent most of his teenage years in juvenile hall. He was scarce on the details but once while he was drunk he mentioned stabbing and robbery. I excused it because he was an intelligent academic and I figured he was a different man now. - Everything that I took an interest in, he suddenly was also VERY interested in. For example, I have very eccentric taste in music. The stuff I listen to most people have never heard of. One day he was grilling me on what kind of music/artists I like... I started listing them and it was almost like he was taking a mental inventory the way he kept asking me to list more and more. After that, he was suddenly "in the know" about all of them. He'd send me concert dates, youtube videos, random tidbits of info. He did this with other stuff I liked, too. I knew it was a problem when during one of our breakups, he dated another woman and he was once again interested in all the things she was (even though it was stuff he never mentioned to me). - This same ex, after they broke up, had contacted all of the women he was talking to on Facebook to "warn" them about him. He didn't go into detail about what she had said, but he brushed her off as crazy, and I assumed she was too. Now I see she was just disgusted and hurt like I am now. - He has told me he can't be in long term relationships no matter how hard he tries. Why didn't I believe him? Why did I think I would be the one person to change that? - Valentine's Day, I sent him a 'sexy' picture of me because he was out of town. He started cursing and accused me of meaning to take it for someone else and accidentally sending it to him. I was dumbfounded! And meanwhile he didn't even bother with a "Happy Valentine's Day!" This most recent (and FINAL) D & D happened in February. I didn't even realize we were basically broken up until about a week ago. He just stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Valentine's Day should have been my first hint. My birthday, a month later, should've been another. He forgot my birhday. When I confronted him about it, he didn't say sorry. He said, "I'm not good with dates". And then he went out that night and got drunk with his classmates (he's in grad school) that he claims he hates so much. He didn't respond to me the entire weekend. I was so hurt. These are just a handful. It gets worse and I could go on for DAYS. Basically, this guy is a giant, walking, infected blister. Every other woman in his life saw it and ran... he knows it... I refused to see it for what he was. I brushed them off as "quirks". I can't believe I wasted 10 on/off years of my life. He has nearly destroyed me. I am so happy to have found this website.

It happened fairly quickly when I spotted the come-here-go-away behaviour. That threw me completely and I realised something just wasn't right. Still took a long while for me to stop trying with him though.

My stomach started hurting a lot. When I would get ready to call. Or know he'd be calling. That right there...haunts me now. Turning the phone off completely today has taken away the ache...interestingly. It's funny...things you look back at...I'm still with this man, and AAAALLLL along, he would control when he called. When I would call. He is very structured...which is a good thing, right? Not if you're unable to bend. Love bends for another. He doesn't. And if he does? He makes sure I know he bent for me. I love having a place to get all of this out. I have told a friend of mine this, she is his friend too. Not a close friend of his...but a friend. But...this site makes me feel safe to just share IT ALL.

I always had an uneasy feeling about the women around him. the way they were hostile towards me at his place of work. But then he was always so good at the bullshit that he calmed my fears straight away I always knew he was cruel, I told him that I thought he had driven his wife to drink, that I thought he was controlling....that was even before anything happened.... But somehow, he won me over with the victim thing and he was soooo into me then.... pull-push and mindfuck for over a year before I gave in.... Why he did not Discard me earlier I will never know. It's like he needed someone like me to constantly remind him of what a piece of shit he was

I knew something wasn't right before getting involved. He's had 4 failed marriages...I wanted to believe I was different. I shouldn't say wanted as in past tense. Because I'm still with him. And that he freely calls women 'cunts' whom he dislikes. That is a word I don't hear much. He slings it around very freely. Only a matter of time before he calls me this. I have a feeling.

3 Months after I started seeing him and I stayed for 25 years WTF!!!!! My self-esteem was non-exisitent. Peace!

It seems you may be searching for a 'warning sign' that may have prevented you from getting involved. Everyone cases are different but I feel confident enough to say we only 'seen' the warning signs in hindsight. This is the great thing about setting your boundries from here on out. When you now notice 'warning signs' or even just issues that could be a problem for you in the future, hopefully you will act. Oh, there were warning signs through out the entire relationip. The difference was the first two years was coated with smooth talk and incredible chemistry so i chose to dismiss them or minimize them..then second two years was a spiraling devaluing and discarding. And the only thing that changes in our relationship was he basically woke up one day and decided he didn't want to wear a mask around me anymore. When the first BIG discard came, he said 'what do we have to talk about except for movies." Yes, I was totally thrown for a loop because I just had helped him purchase a house, raise his son, help finance his movies, was his best friend and confident in every way. And then he meets a new 'The One'. and I was history and could never reclaim my position after that. Merely because he didn't want me that close to him anymore. We didn't fight or argue and lived together fabulously. I was not expecting my dethroning. Ever. I thought I was 'different'. Well, he is not with that 'The One' anymore. He found a new 'The One' who he was going to sell his house and move to aother city for. She dumped him after just four months and did complete NC. I don't know if she had experiences with an N before or just has THAT strong of boundries. But wither way...good for her. So, the Red Flags were there from day one. I just thought I was a magical effing unicorn and he would never find another one of 'me.' Because he TREATED me that way, initially.

I came home from my work day and he was completely different. He was withdrawn, cold, would not touch me, look at me and would not talk. It was apparent he was upset over something but it had nothing to do with me. It was like a child pouting. I could not get him to open up to me. So I left him alone and learned they do NOT like to be ignored quickly. At this point I could not understand what was going on...everything was sweet and sublime right up until the end of that day. That was the beginning of the end. The next night I looked in his phone and found 67 texts messages, I intended to read each one but didn't have the time/access so I waited. He gave himself away. After 6 days straight maintaining his act and falling in love with me, suddenly it was apparent that I had no idea who he really was and I felt lost, and alone with him sitting right next to me - dark & vacant eyes looking through me.

It's hard to say because everything that happened during the 6 weeks or so we were together happened so quickly and in the end I was pretty certain that I had done something wrong that made him break up with me. It was only during round 2 that I realized that he was the problem and not me. Looking back I think I knew something was wrong after we had spent the first night together cuddling and kissing and the next morning he said that I was the one who made the first move (we had both had some drinks but I wasn't as drunk as to not remember who started it. But really, why did it even matter who moved closer to the other if that's what both wanted? Why even discuss it? Now I know it must have been so he could put the blame on me later on) He also said that if it was going to be just that one night he'd be OK with it because it wasn't like he was madly in love with me. (I still had my doubts whether I wanted to be with him at that point. Plus he was a HORRIBLE kisser in the beginning.) I thought that was weird but back then I thought he was just being insecure.