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Power & Relationships

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#1 Dec 9 - 9PM
survivalist
survivalist's picture

Power & Relationships

So they say that the person who has more power in the relationship is always the person who cares less. Definitely the case in a relationship with an N. The N has no feelings, always cares less, and maintains the "upper hand" in the relationship. He then goes on to abuse his power in that relationship...

I've been in relationships where I was the one who cared less, and I knew I had more power in that relationship. I didn't use that power to hurt the other person, I took it as my responsibility to make sure that they didn't get hurt. As the one with more power, I considered myself the "caretaker" or "guardian" of the relationship.

My point is that in a relationship with an N, I care more, so I get hurt. In relationships where I care less, the other guy might get hurt. Why does someone always have to get hurt?

I'm trying to get over my N and want to have an optimistic view of the future. Why can't there be a relationship where 2 people can safely turn to one another and sincerely exchange their equal & mutual love & respect for each other? When will it finally be safe to reveal my insecurities and vulnerabilities to my partner? I feel that Love, or the unequal expression of Love in a relationship inherently threatens that relationship's power balance, and the games commence. Why do most relationships have to have an imbalance of power? We're human, we're inclined to use that power, if we are given it, to our advantage, and hurt one another :( I want a relationship one day where both me AND my partner can feel safe & secure & equal.

Dec 11 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

survivalist

a great post and i believe no one should have the 'upper hand' and it is possible when I was married,[ we divorced because we were going seperate ways, and are still good friends,] neither of us had the upper hand ever I can truly say. With the narc he ALWAYS had the upper hand cause he was a control freak and that was the only way I could make the relation ship work and keep HIM happy. He could never be out of control EVER............when people are comfortable in their own skin, they are real partners and look after the other one in a loving, caring way.............
Dec 11 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Winter
Winter's picture

Onwithmylife

Do you think it can be that when a person A "execise" his power, it can be perceived as such by a person B, but not by a person C? I also think that there is a difference between having a strong leadership and playing the power trip. In the first case the person takes the whole responsability and wants the things happen in the way he truly believe being the best. I the second case it is the power for the sake of the power. To feel powerful and to enjoy it. I believe that two partners who both are leaders by nature will have hard time to adjust to each other. Even if they really love and care. Now, a control freak, a narc playing his power trip defenetely is totally another story...
Dec 11 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

winter

when you have 3 people, as you mentioned in your first paragraph, it is possible for one person to perceive power differently than the other, 3rd person. All i can say is from my past experience, my ex and I were on equal footing almost all the time, of and we were never into POWER per se, it was always the good of the partnership, and that is where I believe people, whose heart is in the right place and have their ownhealthy self esteem, will each give up some power for the good of the WHOLE, the partnership. The exnarc had to be in control, as i am sure you know..I never felt like any type of partnership with the NARC, except when we were going to buy a house together and he was desperate for one..... hope this helps.........
Dec 10 - 6PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I've never understood

why two adults can't just relax and enjoy each others company. There is stress at work, raising children. paying bills... Why can't there just be one person in your life that doesn't cause stress?
Dec 10 - 7AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Amazing and insightful post

Thank you survivalist! Yes, I agree that most of relationship have an imbalance of power. Not only romantic ones, but a frienship or professional relationship too. Power (like wealth) is one of the most strong motivation of a human being. We can't do much about it. It is just a human nature. Now, coming back to your questionning... I think it is perfect that you defined for yourself what you want from a relationship. If you keep your focus on it, you will find what you want. There is never 100% of equality in human relationship. I don't believe in it, even if I totally agree that this would be amazing. The thing is to find someone right for YOU. You know, some of my female friends have husbands of bf that I can hardly imagine myself to be able to bear, But they are truly happy and this is the most important. It is always subjective. Love Winter
Dec 9 - 11PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Equality

During the final D&D, the ex-Psych accused me of wanting to "call all the shots in the relationship" after I declared my love to him. When I told him that I wanted him&his future wife to have a happy life together, he again made the same accusation, claiming I was violating his personal boundaries, imposing myself, yada yada yada. After the final D&D, when I was speaking to him in a cold, rational way, sounding more like a therapist... he said, "Sometimes, a teacher and a student remain in the teacher/student relationship forever... sometimes, they become friends." Considering how everything was so static for him, I think the former held true... FOR HIM. It's telling that one of his favorite writers, Leo Tolstoy, was addressed formally by his wife, Sofia, for quite a long time after they were married. That's something I can't fathom. If I had wed the ex-P, calling him Mr. T--, even for months after the wedding, would've gnawed at me. NORMAL people don't like feeling the lack of authority. It can be a blow to the ego. But I think with Ns/Ps, it is amplified. The ex-P liked it when everything was clear&defined-he was the teacher, I was the student, graduation however ended that. I looked forward to it... he dreaded it. It does explain his look of horror when I hugged him at graduation. I got into his personal space. I think he liked being addressed formally as Mr. T--. He'd give his colleagues the ST if they called him by his first name. They were his social equals, yet he'd ignore them if they did that. I'm talking about professors here, not his students! He'd call his future wife Miss G--, rather than by her first name. That struck me stilted and odd. She introduced herself to me ONLY by her first name, so when he brought up her last name, I pulled the Naive&Innocent Act ("Gosh golly gee, I didn't know that her last name EXISTED!") "I care more so I get hurt"-During the D&D, the ex-P would coldly say that I was struggling&hurting because *I CARED* and that if I were indifferent&didn't care, I wouldn't hurt so much. That was what brought me to tears. I can handle a guy saying "I'm not interested","I love someone else" or "I'm interested in other men"-but telling ME how *I* should feel doesn't sit so well.
Dec 9 - 10PM
survivalist
survivalist's picture

And to be PERFECTLY honest, a

And to be PERFECTLY honest, a part of my attachment to the relationship with my N has nothing to do with the N himself. Yes I am drawn to the N for everything that he pretends to be, however, I don't find myself developing a strong emotional attachment to him. My biggest frustration is the control he manages to have over me. I hate it. I'm a proud person and it makes me feel weak & defeated. Part of our on again/off again has been me, talking him into coming back (which is SUPER easy since he's just basks in everything I say), then I try to manipulate control in the relationship. When I feel like I have the upper hand, I break it off and a get a slight rush from kinda feeling like I've won. I can't allow a dirt bag like him to walk off into the sunset believing he made a fool out of me. THAT'S what keeps me up at night; not the loss of him. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm an N myself, or at least have narcissistic tendencies...but I swear I don't normally do this in relationships. I just know what he is and I CAN'T let him think he got the best of me.
Dec 10 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

He got you right where it

He got you right where it hurts, the ego. You inherently know it is just a game because you know he is a narc, but you want to win...perfect supply for a narc...making a crazy person sane for 5 minutes so you can blow him out, and whip whap slam bap, he is crazy again and you didn't get to win. The game of wills can't be won with a narc, because rules and boundaries and propriety are all just markers he knows you adhere to, therefore he knows how to navigate in your waters, and it frustrates the shit out of you. He doesn't even want to destroy you...he doesn't think that much about it one way or the other...he just wants attention (supply)...only way to win is to ignore them without telling them that you are gonna ignore them...silence at all times, forever, starting now, with no explanation, no response, never, ever, verboten...that might make him wonder a bit, at most. He will haunt from time to time, as if nothing has happened, and slip back into the swamp if you don't respond, to re-try later, maybe. Maybe he will go away forever. Doesn't matter as you will never be satisfied with a Narc, or happy, or safe, or loved, or respected. They are incapable. And can't be taught, and that my dear is the truth. No contact, no response if he contacts you, no matter what...then go have a good life and find that partner we are all looking for! ds
Dec 10 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
survivalist
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Brilliant!

Brilliant!
Dec 10 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
faith_
faith_'s picture

Thank you for this DS.

Thank you for this DS. Survivalist, I too so fall into the "wanting to win" thing. my ego, but the pain always comes, and I can't erase the pain of his past actions by a "newer, cleaner ending I decide on"...so DS's comment really makes sense, because we can't make the narc not be who he is. And him treating us that way is a total function of who he is. So we can't win in the narc's game, they play dirty (something I'd read, i forget, said how they have nothing to lose, whereas we have everything to lose). We can only win by saving ourselves.