Questions I would like to ask the narc.

14 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 13 - 3AM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

Questions I would like to ask the narc.

I have so many questions I want to ask him.
Whether he really ever loved me? How he could look at me and say such horrific things? When I was crying how he could keep shouting and then start laughing and walk away? Whether he feels any sorrow for what he has done? Whether he actually knows what he has done to me and my children? How he can just walk away from my children after being in their lives for 4 years? Whether it was all a game to him? Whether he feels ANYTHING?

The thing is I think I actually know all the answers already but I really really would love to know the answers from his mouth. I know I'll never get real closure on this and I also know that I will never give him the satisfaction of contacting him to ask - cos he would love that ( been there before).

The one thing that really still haunts me is that about 2 weeks after we broke up (or I threw him out, as he tells everyone) he came over and was soooo lovely ( this was before my counsellor told me what he is!!!) and he was so loving and kind and we ended up in bed - my head was just spinning and thought that maybe he was sorry and had changed. The minute it was over, he got up , got his things and went to leave. I was devasted and asked him why he was going - he said that I didn't realise how hard it was for him to come back to the house after I had thrown him out and that I should stop thinking about how I am feeling and being so selfish!! A lot of the other things he did are kind of fading now but that still stays in my mind alot - I think it is so cruel.

I honestly think I will never understand any of this, All I can do is stay NC and try and move on. Some days are great but this weekend my children are at their father's and this is the hardest time. I have made plans to see friends and go shopping with my mum but I just feel numb all the time, like I'm not really here. I see couples in love and find that really hard - why couldn't my narc just see the great person I am and just love me like other people love each other. I know I did nothing wrong now but I am the one hurting. It's all so unfair.

This forum is helping very much - I don't feel alone anymore. My friends sympathise but they don't get it and I think they sometimes think I'm over reacting. I find that hard cos I try to explain but i reckon they think I am just bitter after a breakup but the truth is that my head is still screwed, and I relive thing every day that he did to me.

Thanks for all your support on here - I actually don't know what I would do without you at the moment.

xxxxx

Jan 14 - 6PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome to the forum, sorry

Welcome to the forum, sorry you are experiencing this. Unfortunately your friends may mean well, but unless they live this recovery themselves, it is not something they will likely understand - the depth of the confusion and hurt. It is not like a 'normal' breakup or heartache and it is hard for them to get it or to validate it for you. Glad you are here to receive the support and validation you need. Your questions are normal and if they were being asked to anyone other than a narc, maybe they could be answered honestly for you by him. BUT, since he is a narc and narcs are pathological liars and controlled by their disorder, you would never hear the truth which would go something like this: Whether he really ever loved me? - incapable How he could look at me and say such horrific things? - projection and blame When I was crying how he could keep shouting and then start laughing and walk away? - no empathy Whether he feels any sorrow for what he has done? - only if supply source is lost or still needed Whether he actually knows what he has done to me and my children? - would have to empathize to really understand How he can just walk away from my children after being in their lives for 4 years? - people are interchangeable objects of supply, when supply is no longer satisfying or needed, there is no point in staying Whether it was all a game to him? - everything is game to a predator Whether he feels ANYTHING? - anger, contempt, fear Better for you to keep reading and learning about NPD and get the answers from the knowledge you attain. It is pointless asking him anything.

Journey on...

Jan 13 - 9PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Healingslowly

If you did ask him you wouldn't get the truth, because he doesn't have a clue what that word even means. He lives a lie in order to avoid facing the truth. It's up to you to find out and accept the truth. Looking for answers from him would be the last place you would go. Look to yourself. Feel whatever it is you feel. sad, angry, afraid. Your feelings are valid and there is nothing wrong with them. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to healing yourself. You have been abused and it will take time and a lot of introspection to feel peace. You are in the right place coming here and sharing your stories, questions, and feelings with others that truly understand and care. xxx, Ruby
Jan 13 - 8PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

It's hard, but you do come out on the other side

First, I want to thank you. Your writing is beautiful. You brought me right back to the beginning of this horrendous journey. The pain, the sorrow, the rape of the soul. You don't realize how far you have come, until someone like you writes about it. Thank you. Do the work, take the suggestions seriously. I promise, you will be better internally than you were before you met him. Love to you, Jen
Jan 13 - 3PM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

Well, you could ask all those questions

But here's what you'll hear in response: I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't remember doing that I never said that! That never happened! You are crazy!!! You need help!!! You should be on meds. What about YOU?! You did ( fill in the blank with something that never happened or something that he did ) You'll be labeled crazy. Don't do it
Jan 14 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

Lmao, and in that order too!

Lmao, and in that order too!
Jan 14 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Mine's catch-phrase is: It

Mine's catch-phrase is: It wasn't like that at all.
Jan 13 - 10AM
I_am_free
I_am_free's picture

You will get over this

I know how u r feeling and what Sparrow said is spot on! NC is the best way to achieve this..Its 4 weeks only since I left Narc but I no longer yearn to ask him those questions. Besides all u are going to get is a bunch of F### up answers if u even get any answer @ all and u will be left feeling more crappier afterwards. NC was the best for me...I now no longer want to hear what stupid shit excuse he will come up with for why he is a rat. I do however look fwd to the day that when he crosses my mind...that I think 'oh well....moving along' as if he never ever mattered. All i do know is...the NC feelings get very bad before it gets better so hang in there. Whenever you feel sad or hurt, rather post on this forum....you will get more honest and straight answers on here than u would ever get from that donkey Narc xxxxx
Jan 13 - 9AM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Welcome Healing, they don't

Welcome Healing, they don't get it and you will get a scrambled egg response or a lie anyway so its a waste of your precious time. We need to heal ourselves and know you deserve better, you deserve a whole person, not a disordered one. Once you work on yourself and begin putting your life back in order you will become stronger and the answers to those questions won't matter. After 2nd breakup I told my ExN to never speak to me again, leave me alone, etc. after he came by my desk at work and wanted to know why I wasn't responding to him. I said it wasn't just me his actions affected, it was my children too. He was involved in their lives 100% and how can I explain to them that we weren't together anymore. The lying, cheating he did to me, he did to them too as far as I was concerned. He had a blank look and said he never cheated on me, etc and would always stay in the boys lives....really? I don't think so. That big hoover attempt didn't work so over the next few months he had to think of an even bigger way to suck me back in. Well, it worked, I fell for his BS, but he also admitted he was narcisistic. I started researching and found this board...and the answers to all my questions were right here. Stay here with these wonderful people and take it one day at a time. NC is the only way to stay! Hugs, Lisa
Jan 13 - 6AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Welcome to the forum

We r left with many unanswered questions with the narc. The step book would help u tremendously with this. You can download it right here online. The P/F is based on the six steps of recovery and it will help u to understand much of what is going on for u right now. If u have any questions let me know Goldie
Jan 13 - 5AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Eventually, you will have no

Eventually, you will have no need or desire to ask him these questions. The truth is, he would lie anyway. The answers will come to you in your journey. They are the only answer you will need.
Jan 13 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
freaked
freaked's picture

truly truly said

truly truly said sparrow... remembering Phantom comics i used to read in 1965... kilawee island... "ask no question, be told no lies"
Jan 13 - 4AM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I'm not surprised you feel

I'm not surprised you feel devastated...you should. What a shock and a horrible thing for him to come back and put the final nail in the coffin. I allowed the last nail to happen too. It feels degrading and almost like you are looking at a stranger with an incredulous/ devastated expression while they carry on business as usual. So sad and so hard to comprehend. I feel for you. X Bgirl
Jan 13 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
whitneywolf
whitneywolf's picture

I love the way Sparrow put it

I love the way Sparrow put it... "The answers will come to you in your journey. They are the only answer you will need." These guys ARE lies. You will rise above....