This is really hard to admit, but I need to say it

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#1 Jun 28 - 8PM
reallyconfused
reallyconfused's picture

This is really hard to admit, but I need to say it

I feel that if he isn't a narc, then he was right about me and my too shy personality. It means that there is something wrong with me. It's screwed up thinking, I keep going back and forth. I try to move on, but I keep falling back every now and then. I've never really verbalized that thought before, but it feels good to at least write it out...

Jun 28 - 10PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You have to remember

that they don't care what's in your best interest, only theirs. One time mine literally got eyeball to eyeball with me and said "You have to gain weight.". Well it was strange because my boss had just told me that earlier on the same day. Which it made sense my boss did because my job is very physically demanding. When I told the N that I had just been told that. He was mad because when I did gain some weight he wasn't sure if it was because of him telling me to, or because my boss suggested it. What I'm trying to say is that he is just trying to control and manipulate you. It has nothing to do with truth or concern. Don't take anything they say at face value. xxx, Ruby
Jun 28 - 9PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

How long were you together?

How long were you together? Are you shy? Have you always been shy and quiet? At what point in the relationship did he start making that observation?
Jun 29 - 5AM (Reply to #9)
reallyconfused
reallyconfused's picture

We were never really

We were never really official, we were seeing each other. We met through a dating site. Whatever I wrote about myself I put that I'm shy at first, but I open up with time. The first time we met he playfully said something about it, but he didnt seem bothered. I've known him for a year. He only pointed that out maybe 4 or 5 months ago. He told me maybe a month before that he didn't know what he wanted, but he wanted something with me. Also, he told me he was getting rid of "bad influences" in his life, but I shouldn't worry because I wasn't going anywhere. Then fast forward to after I got back from my trip, I wanted to know where things were going and then I got the silent treatment for a month. But I always thought I was too shy, but Idk. Around other people I'm still shy but I felt more comfortable to be more open.
Jun 29 - 6AM (Reply to #10)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Everyone is correct. There

Everyone is correct. There will always be *something*. If it wasn't that you were too shy, then you would be too assertive, etc. My N and I am sure many other N's are ALWAYS getting rid of 'negativity', 'bad influences', etc. This is because THEY CAUSE, ENCOURAGE it, etc..then flee to 'start over' when it becomes to great. My final discard is the worst ever, only because I still live with him and it's hard to shake the the horrible wounds his words inflicted. And because he is using his child as to why I am not good enough. How do you compete with that? You can't... For two years, I practically raised his son with him (me doing the night time diaper changes, feedings,helping with all the court precedings with support, custody, etc.. the tedius stuff) Now, he wants certain ideals and values how he wants his son raised(which sounds like a 'good parent'..unless you know the whole story)...and I apparently 'don't fit in' with those. But, I know the real him and it is all about image and control. reallyconfused...I know it is difficult now...but don't focus on the 'shy' thing. He would have just used soemthing else against you. And if you want to be more assertive, do it for yourself.....not because you're afraid of losing someone. A person that really loves you works with you, not against you.
Jun 28 - 9PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Nobody Defines Your Worth but You

Narcs have a way of getting us to turn on ourselves by slowly eroding our self-esteem. They're masters at robing us of our identity and stealing our souls. They throw out crumbs intermittently and then resume with their never-ending emotional, spiritual, financail and/or physical abuse. That keeps us hanging in there and we end up going back to the source of our pain for comfort. We depend on them for defining our self worth...an endless cycle. You are a unique and perfect human being and please don't allow anyone to instill doubt in yourself. First of all, we're not all meant for each other. Whatever abuse he inflicts is indicitive of how he feels inside and just because he has an issue with shy doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Some guys love shy and some don't. What's important is that you unconditionally love yourself. My N got me to doubt myself too. Self doubt kept me stuck for years. The reason he got away with it because I doubted myself meaning he just poured salt in my wounds. My self-esteem was already low and I had a core belief that I wasn't good enough. This is why I attracted abusers...because they have radar for wounded souls and empaths. They're all about power, dominance and control. Love yourself unconditionally, especially the shy part. Live life for you and not to please the critics of the world. The stronger and more sure of yourself you are, the healthier people you'll attract. It's the law of attraction. I know it hurts when the person we want doesn't want us but, believe there is a higher and devine purpose to everything. Things will fall in place if you allow it. The more we resist what is, the more stressed we become. So, whether the guy is a N or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you choose to live the rest of your life and how you choose to care for yourself. Posting on this blog is a great way to get started with self care.
Jun 29 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Awww

This is a really great post all around.
Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ditto to insectt, tresor,

this is outstanding. Thank you so much for posting it. It is right on and I need the reminder. Thank you again. (somewhat) spinning (again and it sucks)

spinning

Jun 28 - 9PM
reallyconfused
reallyconfused's picture

Like the first time he gave

Like the first time he gave me the silent treatment. We went out to dinner the day after I came back from a trip abroad. He chose to sit at the bar where we couldn't sirectly look at each other. I was trying to open up and tell him about the fun adventures on my trip, but he wasn't really interested...barely responding at all. The next day I asked where our relationship was going and he said he was concerned about my quietness and how we seem to sit in silence. It hurt so much because I was trying so hard. He ignored me for a month when I tried finishing the convo and said he would call me back, but never did. He said that he said what he had to say..he never gave me the chance to say what I wanted. He also mentioned that he liked going out and having spontaneous fun and he felt he couldnt do that with me. I guess he forgot how busy he was. All we ever did was on his terms and of his choosing. A movie, his house, or him singing karaoke.
Jun 28 - 8PM
empath
empath's picture

cognitive dissonance

Hi really Please some research on cognitive dissonance and see if you are able to relate to what you find. Ns have ways of keeping your thinking going around in endless loops...maybe you are stuck in a loop. You have to get yourself and your thinking unstuck somehow. The sooner you are able to confirm which thought to commmit to, at the exclusion of the others, you'll feel better! (((hugs)))
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Identifu

I really identify with your post. My ex told and still tells me I am mad, crazy, bitter, negative, nasty, selfish etc etc. And I still believe all that stuff. However we are all human and we are a mix of all feelings and traits. I don't know much about anything but I do know that you are worth more than feeling not good enough and lacking This is simply not true....you Xserve to be in a relationship that soothes, loves and respects you. Maybe partners are like houses. My ex was a house with no roof, rotten flooring that I kept FAlling through into the damp basement, faulty electrics so I got a shock every time I turned something on, no heating so I was cold and no doors so I was frighted of intruders. Maybe we all need a house that safe and secure but beautifully furnished and looked after that provides heat and light and comfort, where we are free to just live there without fear. You are worth a house/partner like that. One that honours you. Hope that makes sense. Jelic
Jun 29 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I like your house analogy! :)

I like your house analogy! :)