Really struggling...

Hi guys,

I am struggling big time with the split / d & d.... does it still count as ST and D & D if someone breaks up with you and then refuses to speak to you ever again... I mean some people say NC is normal for any break up... the thing is our break up was sudden and we had spoken of engagement, had an overseas holiday booked (paid for by me.. and he has not even bothered to pay me back)... and yet he can walk away so easily.

I broke NC a few too many times early on - pages of emails trying to convince him to come back to me... but he just read them all (on Facebook) and did not reply. I asked him to block me if he didn't want to hear from me, he hasn't.. I know I should just block him.. I just didn't want to make that final move in case I was wrong about him being a narc...

But I guess I'm not... despite the fact that he is not your typical narc (as per a lot of the posts on here), his behaviour has narc-ish tendencies.. and the way that he has just totally ignored me just a week after telling me he would never leave me and was about to propose suggests there is something not right.

I know I can never go back to him, I would never feel secure in the relationship ever again... but yet I just can't move on either.

Every few days I have intense pain, tears and want to reach out (knowing full well he will never respond... until HE'S ready...).

Don't know why I am posting.. I know this is not helpful - overanalysing, trying to find answers... I just keep wondering - am I wrong?? Did I deserve his NC... rather than him being the disordered one? I do have some borderline traits you see... so that makes me wonder if I did enough for him to enact NC...

Anyway sorry for my rambling guys...

Any supportive words are appreciated. I can't share this with my friends - they don't understand.

AmiHurt