Reclaiming What Was Lost or Stolen

Its now been 14 days since I reclaimed my sanity, going NC and refusing to look backwards at "what might have been" (wistful sigh, not really).

There has been a sense of purpose in reading, writing and reclaiming what was stolen: sanity, stability, understanding, and love (not for him but for me). On one level, I get the "crazy-making crap"...and there is a total recoil as I understand how truly warped this individual is and always will be. But the 18 inches that exists between my head and my heart seem like a mile in terms of acceptance.

Sometimes when I try to process this through my heart, the depth of depravity, the skill at deceit, the lack of remorse, it seems as though this PD was spawned in hell. And with that, the pain plows through my soul like a freight train. I still find myself muttering "who does that?"

I frequently use humor to heal, finding things that are absurdly funny in a surreal circumstance. Lately though, the humor is lost, and I find myself increasingly angry and cynical, not totally at him because I can't tell him what a useless prick he is, but I tend to turn it inwards and kick myself to the curb a few times, because the anger and pain at least feels real.

I lived in an illusion of a relationship, the mirror had two faces: one was mine, the other was a wisp of smoke that resembled him. There was no grasping at the smoke, it was gone as quickly as it was created. He was one dimensional evil, one who will never know the pain he caused because he isn't privileged to be in my world.

I have a different mirror now, I see more clearly who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I am becoming. I also see errors in my relationships with others as well as with myself. But the reflection that comes back as I share my pain and discoveries here is love, acceptance, and encouragement. Something I never knew with him.

Right now, there is a cerebral understanding of what this relationship entailed, but my heart seems to be wrapped in a cocoon of rampant self-protection,as if the truth would cause it to shatter once again. Cerebral is safe, and right now that's where I need to be. Safe.

RL (not making jokes now)