Relapse and 80's Hair Bands

So here it is my relapse. A couple weeks went by since the last contact with my ex N when he had decided to tell me how much he liked his new girlfriend and how she is more deserving of better treatment oh and I am to damaged to be with after all he has done to me. I remained NC, then right after new years he started calling, once a day for about four days then texting. Also I could tell from twitter messages with him and his girl they were fighting or something. I asked him why he would text me, I wasn’t interested in hearing about his new life and I didn’t trust what he was after by calling me. He responded with a quite insightful, calm and compassionate text which caught me off guard and sadly I caved and called him. It started off with him telling me how confused he has been and then with all the reasons we can’t be together, and continued to tell me how much he likes this new girl. WTF why does he keep doing this, I get it you like her great how wonderful for you! I told him he should be calling her and focusing his attention there. He states he knows, he is sorry he called me he should have figured this out before he called and he doesn’t want to be unfair to anyone and I am more than just an ex to him. WHY does he keep contacting me just to tell me he regrets it at the end of the conversation? We hang up and I text him the truth… that he is on someone new because he needs validation from others that he cant stand to be alone for any amount of time because he is scared of what he will find and that he is burying his sham and pain in someone else’s light and she will become his darkness. (I got this little gem from this site and just loved it so thank you.) That I love him and I wish him the best. The texing banter went on for a bit and I just stopped responding drained of energy and knowing he is just going to call the other girl later that night anyway. I did however, indicate that I know what he was trying to do to me (turn me into the ex he had cheated on me with) because she and I compared notes. BAD MOVE. It was clear from more online posts that he must have called the ex and asked. She posted her lips were sealed but she was laughing her ass off at me. I guess I deserved, it came full circle for her and she enjoyed watching me go down in flames. I can add that one to the public humiliation list. I posted some people never change and he text back that I have put him down for the last time and poof gone again. When will I get it, no matter what I do, try, wish and pray nothing I will never mean anything to him. Or is he truly confused and doesn’t want to be bad to this girl. I simply cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is truly heartless. He is living life free because he has no feelings as it has been said while I sit at work in front of computer for eight hours taunted with the knowledge that the details of his new life are at my fingertips. This may seem stupid but at work we listen to a station that mainly plays eighties rock, something I’m not into but he was that’s all he listened to. Every song has an attachment to him, a memory whether good or bad and it literally drives me crazy. I sit in this chair brimming with tears all day. I’m one 80’s love ballad away from driving a screwdriver into my eardrums! Music speaks to me and this music speaks of nothing but him and us. Any advice to help with this? I am taking full advantage of this site, I read and read and my head is honestly making an effort to acknowledge that he is disordered and it can never be anything worthwhile but it’s still a losing battle with my heart. I can’t lie that part of me still wants him, belongs to him and needs him. Also, any advice on coping with memories of the good times. I add a new one to the rotation everyday; I am constantly judging my actions in these memories. Was I being mean to him? Was I making him feel loved? Was I living in the moment and trying to make things work? How I wish I would have relished these moments with him more and let go of our issues and my insecurities and let my love for him pour out instead of being afraid and keeping it in. I feel like I have been robbed, of my life, opportunity, personality and my love. I am sorry if my posts are selfish, always seeking advice. I hope one day I can contribute and help someone else.