Repetition Compulsion-Why do some people keep choosing one bad relationship after another?

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#1 Mar 15 - 7PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Repetition Compulsion-Why do some people keep choosing one bad relationship after another?

Dr. Richard Grossman

http://www.voicelessness.com/repetition.html

Sickofit today discussed her reading up on the aformentioned. I of course decided to look into it myself and arrived at this site.

For some of you, this may help explain some of the dynamics if say, you don't necessarily feel you are what is termed "Co-dependent"

Then again, perhaps you could be co-dependent and also be playing out an old script.

Either way, this gentleman has some interesting articles and I thought it might be helpful.

Hugs!

Mar 15 - 7PM
gettinbetter
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I do have codependency issues

I do have codependency issues but did not repeatedly engage in harmful relationships. In fact this is the only one but from what I have read (and I have spent hours reading) is that there are people who suffer from the same core issues as you and they will bring this out in you. It all explains the familiarity. I always felt like he was home to me and he felt the same. I look back and when I met up with him after 15 years it felt eerily comfortable. He said the same. You shouldnt be that comfortable with someone you havent seen in 15 years that in and of itself is suggestive of something. It also explained why he said in a tone of defeat "He'll treat you better than me" I truly believe that he knows this is compulsive for him just as I know the dynamic between he and I is compulsive to me. Just because you are aware of it doesnt fix it. It takes alot of internal work and committment. And another thing I just thought of was that many of you know I have said many times that when I engaged with him this time 15 years later, I have had an overwhelming compulsion to win. I have even wanted to reel him back in so that I could make sure I was the one that dumped him. It has been complete obsession for me. All of this rooted in the trauma I suffered with him many years ago. I also read that it is very common for both to share the same pyschic energy its what draws these two types together. I know many of you have read that I felt connected to him on a spiritual level.
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
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Sick of it

You said: It all explains the familiarity. I always felt like he was home to me and he felt the same. And I totally get the dynamics of being attracted to someone on a subconcious level *the draw that first gets you linked* to someone with similar issues; however, I'm confused when you say that you felt like he was home and He felt the same... Then by default do you think your ex is a narc or just another flavor or dysfunctional? I'm having the problem understanding from your point of view his feeling the same, as it relates to how narcs function... What do you make of that? As to a degree in my situaton, yes I think we did share "core" issues, but he's a friggin narc where as for me, I took on the let me engage in management of your life because it's just all too burdensome for you...LOL BUT generally I don't get that deep this was the first time I took on all of that responsibility...and oddly enough I think I was hurt so badly because it was the FIRST time I really let my guard down and chose to be totally vunerable?
Mar 15 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
gettinbetter
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to expand on this thought, I

to expand on this thought, I read an article today that suggested that how these issues manifest is somewhat rooted in neurophysiology and environment. Literally some people are programmed biologically to have trauma play out in the form of a pd while some may be wire to play it out as codpendency or some other dysfunctional relational dynamic. Alot of it rooted in the very first few days of life and relates to attachment. It was fascinating to read but had tons of scientific jargon so I didnt post it as it was long and I felt people would lose interest about half way thru the article but was quite interesting.
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
IncognitoBurrito
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Michele

"I took on the let me engage in management of your life because it's just all too burdensome for you...LOL" Yes, I started to do this as well. Like a nurse, to my own detriment. Of course, he never listened. He didn't want to change. He got better supply when he was wallowing. Silly me.
Mar 15 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
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IncogB

It is interesting how wallowing just seems to work so well for them huh?
Mar 15 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
IncognitoBurrito
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Michele <3

Don't they just look so sweet, and cute, and helpless???? They just need to be taken care of. They just need a little uplifting comedy. They just don't have anyone who will understand them the way we do! *snicker* ...like rabid dogs. You know what? Isn't that how Bundy lured his victims? Could've been another one of those psychopaths. But isn't he the one who feigned having a broken arm, or leg, or something, and would enlist his victim's help, to get his groceries in the back of his van? And... then he'd PUSH them into the car, and drive off. That was him, right? Anyway, something brought him to mind, just then.
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
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I took on the let me engage

I took on the let me engage in management of your life because it's just all too burdensome for you...LOL Michelle I dont believe you are a codependent but I believe in your situation it may have ignited some codependent tendencies. The statement above is very indicative of that. But I will say Im no Doctor but I have literally done hours upon hours of reading searching for answers which once again is rooted in my control issues. Damn it I wanted to know why this man has been making big and small appearances in my life since age 17. There is significance in that and damn it I want to know and understand what it is.
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
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Sickofit

Maybe you just answered your own question? YOu said you've been searching for answers which once again is rooted in control issues...then you say you wanted to kow why this man has been making appearances off and on all these years... Maybe control? Maybe wanting to win? I know I've visited that territory some...to my detriment of course...
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
gettinbetter
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Our core issues are the same

Our core issues are the same fear of abandonment only it has manifest differently. His has manifest in a more toxic way of Borderline/Narcissistic Pd and mine has manifest as codependency but the issue is the same. We have both suffered a stunting of emotional growth with his being more severe than mine. Shari Schreiber even mentions this in one of her Borderline articles. I also read that many times sever codependency can sometimes be diagnosed as borderline pd and vice versa
Mar 15 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
alittledark
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Yeah, that familiarity thing

is a lot of what I experienced with my narc. After 20 years I felt very comfortable with mine and I really believe he has brought out a lot of codependency issues I had growing up.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
IncognitoBurrito
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Sick of It & A Little Dark

Yes, same here. In the beginning, the familiarity just adds to the romance! We don't recognize the signs. We think it's MEANT TO BE! Ha!
Mar 16 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
alittledark
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I associate him with happiness

because he is from the town where I was the happiest during my childhood with my mom. It's kinda like eating butter on your broccoli...you know it's bad for you, but it's comfort food and you want more of it.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller