Second Guessing Myself (& my N)

FarmGirl, I know your situation is different because you are still with your N and have a young child. You are expressing that you aren't happy, as well as other very narc like behavior from him you've related. This is where I will copy/paste my comment just made to OneOftheEX's cause it seems to fit well in this thread too and I just spent a bunch of time writing it :) You can't make sense out of scrambled eggs. Which is why we must instead answer the questions for ourselves from the perspective that he IS disordered and it controls his words and behavior. For all intense purpose right now, it doesn't matter if he is a narc or not. You just have to filter everything you get from him through the perspective that he is. Narcs don't think like us, with our hearts connected. As soon as you accept it is only ever because of his disorder that he chooses what he does, you will begin to find some real peace in your head and that is when your heart can follow. If he isn't a narc it doesn't matter in the long run. If he isn't a narc you will know it in your gut vs now when you think he is in your gut but still have doubts in your head. We just don't process thoughts the same way as a narc, so therein lies all the confusion. This is why it is better to just assume he is, remove all doubt, answer every question you think about him with "because he's a narc" and THAT is what will fuel YOUR peace of mind and forward healing. xo PS, mine had lots of moments of kindness and realness too I thought... yes, I still miss that guy, but not the one that kept surfacing to wipe his mask away. (hugs!)

Yipes, FarmGirl - I am not a psychologist but it sounds to me like he is a absolutely fitting those profiles of N/P - a monster, nonetheless. Like others including JuliaMarie have said below, if you are here, if you are researching, and it is making sense (ticking every box!), then you are most likely dealing with an N/P. First thing first, protect yourself and your kids however you can. Secondly, consider how similar other folks' stories here are to how he treats you and how he makes you feel. This is the layman's version of a scientific thinktank - absorb what they are saying: in the minimum he is dangerously toxic but he's looking a lot worse than that. Also, please accept my HUGE MASSIVE APOLOGIES if I helped you start questioning what you've learned and applied to your situation with your jackhole. I was a bit lost earlier but now I am firmly back in control of what I know to be true. If you are here, in your heart you KNOW it is not right and you KNOW you must get out. Your small inner voice is fighting for you; you believe in yourself even if you don't think you do (otherwise you would still be accepting what he's offering) - like Peacelily76 posted on another thread, there's energy inside you that your N/P cannot extinguish. Keep fanning that tiny li'l ember and it will grow into a strong flame to keep away the darkness. Wishing you strength and healing xxx Mega

As I'm reading down the posts here, your man is a SCREAMING narc. You went silent on him? that's why you got the foot rub and attention. What a jackass! They are all soooo much alike. I assume that you're still living with him. This will KEEP you in cog/dis. I can't tell you when to be ready to kick his ass to the curb, but I can tell you, that the longer you stay it won't get better, or it will only be "better" until he sucks you back in, then it starts ALL OVER AGAIN! This is a cycle that will never end. YOU must be the one to put a stop to it. When you're ready, you will.

I finally had a lightbulb moment about the labeling.. for me, anyway. Even though I Know it doesn't matter, toxic is toxic, it just gives me a bit more validation that 1.) It wasn't All my fault and 2.) If I can get it through my head that he actually has a personality disorder, he's Not gonna change, for me or anybody else. It makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, I did all I could do. And nothing I might have done any different would have made any difference in the final outcome. Does that make any sense to anyone except me? ;-)

http://www.powercommunicating.com/articles/Differentiating%20Narcissists%20and%20Psychopaths.pdf I REALLY hope this link works for you. For me, even though this talked about the differences between narcs and psychopaths, it totally rang a bell. Basically, that it doesn't matter what label they are given. Those change all the time. What matters is how does he (or she) make you Feel? The 90 minutes of movie and footrubbing.. just crumbs. Mine actually cried and told me he loved me during the D&D, and then in the same breath, asked me was I packed yet?! WTF?!

My guess is that at best, you have an incredibly toxic relationship if you started reading up on Narcissism. We don't find ourselves here by accident. That said, you have to continue to figure this out...educate yourself as much as you can. These types are rarely diagnosed by professionals because they have a tendency to lie. They don't do well in therapy unless they really want to be there...which is pretty much never. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't have questions. Questions are good. It means you have some semblance of self-esteem left in you. A lot of us have to get devalued and discarded by our N's to figure it out. Hugs to you on this journey!

are a facade. I know it hurts, but if your X was truly an N, they parrot things they hear normal people say. They often memorize lines from movies. When the somatic takes over, they know they will need to say these things or no woman in her right mind would ever sleep with them, much less get emotionally involved! It is my personal feeling that on occasion, they may sometimes "leak" vulnerabilities that are in fact coming from their true and not false selves. This also could be somewhat of an explanation. I wish I could answer your question.

This is why we stay so long or go back to them for those moments of kindness. This is all an act if he is a narc. What made you think he was a narc or that there was something wrong in the first place aside from the article? What was it that had you searching for answers? It is not uncommon for someone to think they are with a narc and then have second thoughts when he throws you a bone. They are the great manipulators. God bless, Goldie

Marriage councilor would be a first good step. Let the therapist diagnose him if you don't believe you can. Read as much as you can in the meantime. Thomas Sheridan also have quite a bit of interesting things to say on the subject. Good luck and stay strong!