Shaynas Mommy's Story

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#1 Aug 5 - 4PM
ShaynasMommy
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Shaynas Mommy's Story

I don't know why I am nervous about setting this down in print. I have had NC for a vey long time, 8 years now. But when I stumbled upon this forum a while ago, I knew that eventually I would be sharing. If I thought that 8 years would be "enough" for me to forget and move on completely, then maybe I wasn't quite right about that. I have moved on in the sense that I don't reflect or obsess over my ex-N every single day, or even a few times a month for that matter. But I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "OK" with what happened. And I will never forget. And that's good, because if I forgot, then I would have lost the new part of me, the stronger, more independent me that was so hard won through the pain and confusion. Maybe there was or is still a part of me that needs more healing, but this time its not CPR, its like follow up care that needs to be done every once in a while, like for a cancer survivor. I used to be embarrased at myself, like I should never mention his name or think about him ever again, for fear that I would start obsessing about him, but now I realize that maybe I just never gave myself permission to fully go through it and feel it and allow myself forgiveness. It was not my fault that he abused me, but I do take some responsibility for my own refusal to accept the courage to get out sooner.
I met N in college. I was going in order to achieve something, he, as it turns out was just going out of boredom and to hunt for supply. We were both real young, both just 19. Same story, he really swept me off my feet. Very enthusiastic about me and gave me the whole line about how he tried to fix me up with his friend, but said friend was not interested, so he went for me himself. This is particularly heartbreaking to write, since he was my first real love and my first sexual experience. I really thought it was forever. Boy, was I young and stupid. The honeymoon period lasted for about 8 or 9 months, just about the time I transfered to another college and had to move away. W had a long distance relationship then, but then I sensed that it was one that wasn't progressing very much, like I was only good for weekend visits, middle of the night booty calls (he lived only 1 hour away)and a place for him to crash when his roomates would get fed up with him. He had a hard time getting/keeping jobs. When I met him, his only source of income was a crappy part-time job cleaning up parking lots at night and a membership in the CA National Guard (in total, a whopping $400/month, whoopee!)He had no intention of taking school seriously, had no liscense, no car, no savings, and no concrete place to live. Until he met me, that is. Then he was in hog heaven. I, being stupid, took his sob story of childhood abandonment and abuse to heart and gave him everything he needed and more. Ya know, the whole little birdy with the broken wing story. Pretty soon he got used to such nice treatment and got cocky. He started ignoring me, and flirting with other females.I questioned him about committment/marriage/where were we going? He told me we had plenty of time to worry about it and to leave it be. I couldn't. We broke up the first and second times about that. He began seeking supply elsewhere, male or female, it didn't matter. Anything he could get. He eventually weasled his way into my apartment. I told him he could not stay unless he got a job. He did. Several hundred times, it seems. Its like he set himself up for failure in a job so that he could always have an excuse as to why he couldn't work. I wasn't having it. We broke up the third time over that.He was such a coward, he couldn't even face me to do it. He left, with all of his worldly posessions in one small army pack, and had my BF at the time to come over to meet me with her sympathy when I got home from work. What a considerate guy. Well, I went NC on him, for my injured pride, but I missed him and cried every day. He contacted me after a few weeks. I thought then that maybe he was lonely and was missing me too. Well, not exactly, as I now know he was out of supply. When we got back together, after much weeping on his part, we spent the weekend together, mostly in bed, and when Sunday nite came, I asked him (seeing as he had no job and nowhere to be Monday morning) if he could stay one more day. He had other people to hang out with, and acted like nothing ever happened, the break up or the makeup!
And so it went like this for years. In between I managed to stay strong and keep my objections to poor treatment high enough that he did buy me a ring and proposed, got a decent job and appeared to take some sort of responsibility for himself. He was just using me a s a cushion, though, biding his time until something "better" came along. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, entertained his geek friends, gave him money when he needed it, drove him around everywhere, because, honestly, its damn near impossible to get a good working vehicle (sarcasm). Mine seemed to suit him just fine. He wanted to bring every scruffy person he knew into our home to give them a place to stay. I balked and was accused of being heartless. I knew they were users, and I was right. But I failed to see the leech (TM) in my bed with me. I pleaded with him to spend more time with me. Of course, I was only being needy. One year he actually took his marriage proposition seriously and started to make plans with me. All was good untilwe got into an argument about one of his friends trying to get a free ride from us. (he fancied himself to be everyone's savior, except mine, I didn't need any consideration). He called off the wedding, as punishment, I take it, and said that we needed more time to work on our relationship. So we went to relationship counseling. After 3 visits, we stopped. Presumeably because the counselor could see through his bullshit and refused to tell N what he wanted to hear. That it was all my fault. He tried to get me to go to individual counseling, like I was depressed or something, get on meds, too. He told his mother I was Bi-polar. I told her WTF! Is HE a psychiatrist?!?! No, I don't think so.
No, the problem was not that I was crazy, it was that I was too strong and determined. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I would have walked and cut my losses the first year. But hindsight....
More talking to girls behind my back, and sometimes in front of it, too. More rudeness, more abandonment, broken promises, and more lies. But still I loved (was addicted) him through all of it. My own life suffered, in every aspect. I gained weight, lost interest in finishing school, and lost alot of self esteem. Many of my friends I stopped hanging out with because I was so focused on him. It would be niave of me to think that he did not cheat on me during those 7 years, even though I have no empirical proof as such. Finally I issued an ultimatum. Get your act together and set a wedding date, or I will go forward without you, N. Well, it seemed that did the trick.(Ladies, never set ultimatums, just leave their sorry indecisive asses, even if they are not narcs) He seemed to wake up after that, and we set a date for September 21st, 2002. As the day approached, I sensed a shift in the atmosphere. He announced that he and a few buddies from Highschool were setting up a reunion, because nobody from the school had officially set up one, so they were going to do it unofficially. OK, he was being decent to me lately, and I was consumed with wedding details, so I didn't have a problem with him going away for the weekend to do this. I was never a jealous woman, and didn't flinch over it. He came home when he said he would. About 6 weeks before the wedding, he went back to get together with his buddies again, and this time, didn't come home. I called him numerous times until I finally got him to answer, and demanded him to come home and told him that he wasn't behaving properly for a man newly engaged and about to get married. He told me to get over it and he would be home later. The next day he came home and announced the wedding was off, and that we were breaking up. He found someone "new" (not really, it was one of his female HS friends)and that they were now together, although he insisted that they were not already sleeping together (YEAH RIGHT!). He made it sound all so noble like he was showing me respect to wait until we broke up. (hey thanks, your'e a swell guy). But he managed to get me in bed a few more times, ya know, for old times sake. But then I grew my backbone. Through all of the shock and blinding pain, I found my own apt., moved, and severed as many ties to him, personal and financial as I possibly could. We still worked at the same place, but I had no choice but to deal with that. He had taken so much from me already, I would be damned if I allowed him to deny me my source of income as well. I was lucky, as most people at work supported me and saw right through him. I was a wreck when I went home at nite and on the weekends. There were weeks that went by when all I did was lay on the couch, cry until I was dehydrated and numb and watch TV. It was the best diet I had ever been on, because I hardly ate at all.
I stuck to my guns, though. I left him no forwarding address, phone #, and forbade my friends from telling him where I was. Before I was moved, he came home late one night to grab some of his things. The OW was waiting outside in his car. The one he purchased with the $$ he got from cashing in our honeymoon to Hawaii. He tried to bait me, but by this time I wasn't having it. The week he was gone left me enough time to get my affairs in order and to clear my head enough to see what a complete fraud and piece of total shit he was. He then flew into a N rage and said, " I knew you would turn Evil!" I just told him to get the F out and he did, ranting all the way out. It was then and there I decided on NC, no turning back. He may have took away most of my self esteem and sent me into a headspin of how and why, but deep down I knew it was totally wrong, insane, and the abuse was completely his fault, and I did not deserve any of it. I realized, I am L & R's daughter, and they did NOT raise me to be somebody's fool. I mustered all of my righteousness and moral indignation and just made the decision. And I never looked back.

That's what it takes. A decision. NC.

I would have liked to say that was the end of it, but because I worked at the same place he did, he tried every trick in the book to harrass me, enough so that I had to request a formal NC from both of our supervisors. He was not allowed to talk to me for any reason, and if he needed something work related, he had to go through the proper channels. Ane let me tell you, the NC was the best thing I did for myself and the cruelest thing I could have done to him. Being sooo close yet sooo far from me was just eating his ass!

Eventually, I moved out of state, but a friend of mine who kept in contact with him for a while (until he burned her too, but not romantically)she told me that he was still pining (or acting) for me almost two years after we broke up and NC, despite the fact that he was in a live-in relationship with an OW. And not even with the OW he left me for, two more women after her.

They are sick, gals. Please make no mistake about that. They will NEVER change. As long as they are awake and breathing they are calculating and hunting for supply. Every second of the day. Don't waste any more of your seconds on them. I'm serious about that, because wether you are 20,30,40,50 or beyond....no amount of time is worth spending on these scum sucking bottom dwellers. Life is way too short, and none of us knows for sure how much time we have left. Get out and do what YOU want to do, love life and your true friends and family. And for Heaven's sake love yourselves. When it comes right down to it, you are the only one you can count on.

BTW, if you are obsessing over if these guys ever get their comeuppance......they do. Mine did in a major way, it would just take too long and this post is long enough now! So I'm thinking I'll start a new thread for those of us with updates of how our ex's have fallen on their @$$es. They cannot help but screw up eventually. And as for mine.....he still refers to me as "Evil" on his facebook page. I wonder if his wife knows how bitter he is over me, hmmmm?

We CAN achieve some measure of closure. Obviously, an N cannot. They can't let go of anything because there is nothing to take its place and fill the void.

I look forward to more conversations and uplifting messages from all of you beautiful strong ladies.

Oct 23 - 4PM
blueeyes
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Ah ha.....

I finally read it girlfriend. You have a strong personality to handle him. I am happy for you and the steps your currently taking... Thanks!
Aug 10 - 2AM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Yes, Moonshine... there were

Yes, Moonshine... there were times that I really wanted to be left alone. That's why I decided to turn down offers from my friend to be my roomate. I really wanted the opportunity to be a hermit and just experience any feeling that came to me all by myself. I really didn't appreciate being around people in general a whole lot back then.
Aug 10 - 6AM (Reply to #17)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

that is comforting

it feels comforting. Some people try to talk to me. I cant share everything with them as they also work with me and I dont trust them enough to share. I think I am still in shock of how this all could happen. I feel I need the alone time to process it in my heart and mind. When surrounded by people most of the time I feel blocked and heavy. Thanks for sharing shaynasmommy.
Aug 9 - 12PM
ShaynasMommy
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slimpickens,

Of course you may borrow what you like. I haven't yet trademarked inner strength. ;) You can do it. Yes, mantras are good. Your N kept telling you the same tired old negative mantras most of the time, I'll bet. Reprogramme yourself with good ones!
Aug 9 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The negative mantras

My ex-Psych had the mantras like "you're not a happy person" (pure projection),how people didn't like me, how I was inappropriate, how I was weird, etc. It's a shame when a TEACHER engages in stuff like that! Teachers are supposed to be sources of encouragement/inspiration, not crazy-making and mind games. I'm glad he's NC on me;I wouldn't listen to him anyhow.
Aug 7 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Thanks for coming here!

I thought after a decade, I would have "forgotten" what I went through. The fact that it was triggered... your story is a comfort. Yes, after 8 years, people think that such pains are "forgiven and forgotten." That's so much presumption about the grieving process. I'm glad you're here. You're a strong, good woman! Don't forget that!
Aug 6 - 11PM
apple
apple's picture

That's what it takes. A decision. NC.~ I love that!!!!

Thank You!!!! I am going to repeat that to myself a hundred million times if I have to. Your story is sooooo moving. I just have one question~ Can I please borrow some of your strength and will power until I can find my own? =) You are inspirational and I hope that you know it!! xxA
Aug 6 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

shanya,s mommy

your story so touched me and so has your strength, it bought tears to my eyes, and yes they do fuck up majorly, but what a total waste of life they have ,chasing non exstint dreams, when the reality is they had the real thing in us, its tragic/ sorry if this sounds depressing. feel a bit low tonight, but yes we were the real dream. and they are too dumb to relize itxx.
Aug 6 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

I'm sorry you are feeling low.

Its part of the highs and lows, but the "lows" will level out one day and you will be on the way up again. Just keep it up with the NC. And thank you for the validation. It took a moment like this in my life to show me exactly how much i am capable of doing (and surviving!)for which I feel grateful and proud. We all are capable of this, though, once we figure out what we truly want in our lives. Yes, they had the real deal with us. But, they would prefer their impossible dreamworld that never becomes reality. Even if they were cognizant enough to realize how great their lives would have been if they just treated us decently, they still would prefer their fantasies, because reality is just not perfect enough for them. This is why an N is truly a pathetic sack of shit indeed. And it never gets better for them, I believe it gets worse for them as they age. We, on the other hand, to quote a famous phrase,"are like fine wines, we only improve as time moves on." Sorry, citation police. I can't pinpoint the exact caveman who first said this.
Aug 13 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Ideal vs Real

I read somewhere that part of the emotional stuntedness includes idealistic conceptions of love. They are in search of an idealized version of love (whether it's the Queen of the Castle in my N's case, or the Rapunzel version) - for them it's all about the fairy tale. They have no concept of what real love is nor do they have any skills whatsoever to partake in a truly loving, give-and-take relationship. So they're always searching for the ideal woman, when of course, she doesn't exist. The idealistic view of love that they have is nothing more than a 6 year old boy's fantasy of a fairy tale princess like his mommy when she dresses up to go out with daddy for the evening. And he hates daddy for it. And of course, never grows up and out of that immaturity.
Aug 13 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Idealism

As my mother summed it up early on, my ex-Psych professor was enamored of the IDEA of me, what I represented--NOT the REAL me, with emotions and ideas of my own. He was in love with my qualities, not me. It would also explain why my ex-P considers himself a "philosopher",because it's all about ideas, not the real world (in terms of thinking, he has the depths of the kiddie pool, he can't come up with an original idea) He had a hard time with give-and-take relationships with his colleagues, with his students... and that included me. Very emotionally stunted.
Aug 6 - 12PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Thank you Ladies.

I don't know how I did it. I really did not consider myself to be that strong at the time, but its like some other force just lifted me out of the crap and protected me. I like to think that we all have guardian angels, after all. I also had many of the non-celestial types as well, in the form of friends and family who loved me and didn't buy into the crap that I was crazy. Moonshine- are you able to leave your job? I know that I stayed for a while, but I think in the end, I should have looked for something else sooner. I eventually ended up moving out of the state and back in with my folks for awhile. Someone told me at one point that I was just running away from my problems. Like it was MY fault that he mind-F****ed me. I told them to "get bent." Unless ppl have been in ouir shoes, they just have no clue about it. I figured there wasn't any shame in doing what I could to remove myself as far away from him as possible, as our lives were so enmeshed, it was impossible to go anywhere and talk to any of our mutual acquaintances w/o causing myself some pain. We would expect a victim of physical abuse to do this, so why not a victim of emotional abuse? I really do hope you can remove yourself further from him one day. You deserve better than to be in a constant state of anxiety at your place of business.
Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

shaynasmommy....

Thanks for writing. I live in a country different from my country of origin and my staying here for now depends on the job. I can move after a while ..i guess....but i would not know for now. Its been painful. People around me dont see anything wrong with the situation and they see that I am the problem. My N did say that I am running away from him ..."all that you do is RUN" is what he said. Although I understand that they are sick ..it just hurts what they say to us. It causes deep alteration in seeing who we are. How did you get over it? I understand you have immense strength ..but how did you do that at that time? You must have support from family and friends. I dont have that. I have few good friends who live away from me. I talk to them. My N is the only person I know here and who I thought was my friend. My N told me that his friends finds me bizarre and toxic and needs to stop hanging out with me. Stop hanging out is the good part...but these other people are who i though i was getting to know as friends...now i am back to square one. Feels like they all despise me....it feels bad to be despised by the N and also the other people I know. This puts me very down in spirit. I am trying to get to be comfortable being alone and depending on myself. I have told my N that....he and his friends can be happy ..i am leaving for good. Although...i said i am leaving.....i have to see him everyday. First he will try to make contact...talk to me....try to get me to do things.....if that doesnt work out he will hit on my week points......even that would not work at times...then he will flirt with his "interest" (whos picture he was looking at along with porn ...sorry i have to write this again....i am not able to get this out of my mind and see them everyday). Yes, its anxious....but i am trying. I am putting efforts into other interest of mine like music and writing. I hope I could find my stability in other things and eventually forget him. More then the pain and hurtful words....he made me doubt myself....which is the very basis of any human being. Your story is inspiring ...very inspiring. Thanks for sharing with us.
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
ShaynasMommy
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moonshine,

I can't really pinpoint how I got through it all except it was a process that took time and it didn't happen overnite. I guess I just kept maintaining a sense of riteous indignation. I mean, NOBODY deserves any of this crap, why give him the opportunity to do more? He doesn't even deserve to be in your radiant presence, the dirty little cockroach that he is. Yes a a support network helps. I understand you don't have much of one right now, because you are not in your native country, but at least you know you have one here with us. If I were you, I would seek out some people who have the same interests or hobbies as you and start developing some healthy relationships. Anything to try to take up your free time that would otherwise be spent worrying about N. Start making new memories that don't involve him. Soon, he will be wondering why the hell you have such a big smile on your face. Try speaking with your supervisor about him harrasing you. Just tell them, "Look, I know you can't see what is going on, but for my peace of mind and future productivity, please order him to stop bothering me." Workplace harrassment is not acceptable, especially if he is viewing porn at work on company time and showing it to you. That is called sexual harrasment and is aginst the law. He chose you because you are "from out of town", and therefore easier to isolate, and make you dependent on him. They are evil and cruel little fuckers. I still can't imaginw how my N could call me Evil when I couldn't even think of half the shit he pulled on me. It seems a little scary right now, but you can make friends with normal people who will treat you right. You have been brainwashed into believing N ways are normal, so be careful not to fall into another N trap. Are there any cultural clubs that may have people from you home country where you reside? It may help you feel more secure if you have a "home base" to go to periodically. That's what my grandparents did when they first came to the USA and didnt know anybody, they had culture shock. He told you "all you do is run?" Sounds like a projection problem to me, becaus that's all N's do is run from supply to supply. Its never ending. Pretty sad for them. Just keep on Keeping on, and you will make it.
Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

shaynasmommy...thanks for writing.

Thanks for writing and taking concern. I have started to learn music, sit and read books and just be on my own at times. I have started to meet new people too...but sometimes i feel like just being on my own ...alone. I am not sure if its grieving. Most of my time goes working and I have little time left thinking about what happened and how to get over it. Did you feel that way...just wanting to be alone for a while? He did not look up porn during work but he showed me when i lived with him at home. I was with him one whole year 24x7 and 3 full months of living with him. I dont have to work with him but he knows that it will hit my weak points when he flirts with the other women (whos pictures i found along with other porn site he was looking up....so you can imagine what he was doing with her pictures....masturbating to it...he denies though). I have much stopped talking with too. I thought i was creating friends and this only lead up to the current situation. I feel better to have people here to discuss who have gone through the same things. Thanks again for your time and concern. I will do my best.
Aug 5 - 11PM
wind
wind's picture

Good for you

They really do suck the life out of you. Good for you. At least you gave him back some of his crap.
Aug 5 - 6PM
MelloMix
MelloMix's picture

Hi SM

Just to let you know I read your story. Thanks for posting it after 8 years 'out'. It gives hope to many of us who are at various stages on the hill. I hope you are happy now - and it would be good to hear how he fell flat on his face! MelloMix
Aug 5 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

you have strength

Thanks for sharing your story.You had great strength to have pulled forward. I am very inspired by how you made the change. It must have been very difficult. I wish I could be like you. I see mine everyday at work. Its been very difficult. Would like to hear the other part of the story though...