Shaynas Mommy's Story

I don't know why I am nervous about setting this down in print. I have had NC for a vey long time, 8 years now. But when I stumbled upon this forum a while ago, I knew that eventually I would be sharing. If I thought that 8 years would be "enough" for me to forget and move on completely, then maybe I wasn't quite right about that. I have moved on in the sense that I don't reflect or obsess over my ex-N every single day, or even a few times a month for that matter. But I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "OK" with what happened. And I will never forget. And that's good, because if I forgot, then I would have lost the new part of me, the stronger, more independent me that was so hard won through the pain and confusion. Maybe there was or is still a part of me that needs more healing, but this time its not CPR, its like follow up care that needs to be done every once in a while, like for a cancer survivor. I used to be embarrased at myself, like I should never mention his name or think about him ever again, for fear that I would start obsessing about him, but now I realize that maybe I just never gave myself permission to fully go through it and feel it and allow myself forgiveness. It was not my fault that he abused me, but I do take some responsibility for my own refusal to accept the courage to get out sooner.
I met N in college. I was going in order to achieve something, he, as it turns out was just going out of boredom and to hunt for supply. We were both real young, both just 19. Same story, he really swept me off my feet. Very enthusiastic about me and gave me the whole line about how he tried to fix me up with his friend, but said friend was not interested, so he went for me himself. This is particularly heartbreaking to write, since he was my first real love and my first sexual experience. I really thought it was forever. Boy, was I young and stupid. The honeymoon period lasted for about 8 or 9 months, just about the time I transfered to another college and had to move away. W had a long distance relationship then, but then I sensed that it was one that wasn't progressing very much, like I was only good for weekend visits, middle of the night booty calls (he lived only 1 hour away)and a place for him to crash when his roomates would get fed up with him. He had a hard time getting/keeping jobs. When I met him, his only source of income was a crappy part-time job cleaning up parking lots at night and a membership in the CA National Guard (in total, a whopping $400/month, whoopee!)He had no intention of taking school seriously, had no liscense, no car, no savings, and no concrete place to live. Until he met me, that is. Then he was in hog heaven. I, being stupid, took his sob story of childhood abandonment and abuse to heart and gave him everything he needed and more. Ya know, the whole little birdy with the broken wing story. Pretty soon he got used to such nice treatment and got cocky. He started ignoring me, and flirting with other females.I questioned him about committment/marriage/where were we going? He told me we had plenty of time to worry about it and to leave it be. I couldn't. We broke up the first and second times about that. He began seeking supply elsewhere, male or female, it didn't matter. Anything he could get. He eventually weasled his way into my apartment. I told him he could not stay unless he got a job. He did. Several hundred times, it seems. Its like he set himself up for failure in a job so that he could always have an excuse as to why he couldn't work. I wasn't having it. We broke up the third time over that.He was such a coward, he couldn't even face me to do it. He left, with all of his worldly posessions in one small army pack, and had my BF at the time to come over to meet me with her sympathy when I got home from work. What a considerate guy. Well, I went NC on him, for my injured pride, but I missed him and cried every day. He contacted me after a few weeks. I thought then that maybe he was lonely and was missing me too. Well, not exactly, as I now know he was out of supply. When we got back together, after much weeping on his part, we spent the weekend together, mostly in bed, and when Sunday nite came, I asked him (seeing as he had no job and nowhere to be Monday morning) if he could stay one more day. He had other people to hang out with, and acted like nothing ever happened, the break up or the makeup!
And so it went like this for years. In between I managed to stay strong and keep my objections to poor treatment high enough that he did buy me a ring and proposed, got a decent job and appeared to take some sort of responsibility for himself. He was just using me a s a cushion, though, biding his time until something "better" came along. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, entertained his geek friends, gave him money when he needed it, drove him around everywhere, because, honestly, its damn near impossible to get a good working vehicle (sarcasm). Mine seemed to suit him just fine. He wanted to bring every scruffy person he knew into our home to give them a place to stay. I balked and was accused of being heartless. I knew they were users, and I was right. But I failed to see the leech (TM) in my bed with me. I pleaded with him to spend more time with me. Of course, I was only being needy. One year he actually took his marriage proposition seriously and started to make plans with me. All was good untilwe got into an argument about one of his friends trying to get a free ride from us. (he fancied himself to be everyone's savior, except mine, I didn't need any consideration). He called off the wedding, as punishment, I take it, and said that we needed more time to work on our relationship. So we went to relationship counseling. After 3 visits, we stopped. Presumeably because the counselor could see through his bullshit and refused to tell N what he wanted to hear. That it was all my fault. He tried to get me to go to individual counseling, like I was depressed or something, get on meds, too. He told his mother I was Bi-polar. I told her WTF! Is HE a psychiatrist?!?! No, I don't think so.
No, the problem was not that I was crazy, it was that I was too strong and determined. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I would have walked and cut my losses the first year. But hindsight....
More talking to girls behind my back, and sometimes in front of it, too. More rudeness, more abandonment, broken promises, and more lies. But still I loved (was addicted) him through all of it. My own life suffered, in every aspect. I gained weight, lost interest in finishing school, and lost alot of self esteem. Many of my friends I stopped hanging out with because I was so focused on him. It would be niave of me to think that he did not cheat on me during those 7 years, even though I have no empirical proof as such. Finally I issued an ultimatum. Get your act together and set a wedding date, or I will go forward without you, N. Well, it seemed that did the trick.(Ladies, never set ultimatums, just leave their sorry indecisive asses, even if they are not narcs) He seemed to wake up after that, and we set a date for September 21st, 2002. As the day approached, I sensed a shift in the atmosphere. He announced that he and a few buddies from Highschool were setting up a reunion, because nobody from the school had officially set up one, so they were going to do it unofficially. OK, he was being decent to me lately, and I was consumed with wedding details, so I didn't have a problem with him going away for the weekend to do this. I was never a jealous woman, and didn't flinch over it. He came home when he said he would. About 6 weeks before the wedding, he went back to get together with his buddies again, and this time, didn't come home. I called him numerous times until I finally got him to answer, and demanded him to come home and told him that he wasn't behaving properly for a man newly engaged and about to get married. He told me to get over it and he would be home later. The next day he came home and announced the wedding was off, and that we were breaking up. He found someone "new" (not really, it was one of his female HS friends)and that they were now together, although he insisted that they were not already sleeping together (YEAH RIGHT!). He made it sound all so noble like he was showing me respect to wait until we broke up. (hey thanks, your'e a swell guy). But he managed to get me in bed a few more times, ya know, for old times sake. But then I grew my backbone. Through all of the shock and blinding pain, I found my own apt., moved, and severed as many ties to him, personal and financial as I possibly could. We still worked at the same place, but I had no choice but to deal with that. He had taken so much from me already, I would be damned if I allowed him to deny me my source of income as well. I was lucky, as most people at work supported me and saw right through him. I was a wreck when I went home at nite and on the weekends. There were weeks that went by when all I did was lay on the couch, cry until I was dehydrated and numb and watch TV. It was the best diet I had ever been on, because I hardly ate at all.
I stuck to my guns, though. I left him no forwarding address, phone #, and forbade my friends from telling him where I was. Before I was moved, he came home late one night to grab some of his things. The OW was waiting outside in his car. The one he purchased with the $$ he got from cashing in our honeymoon to Hawaii. He tried to bait me, but by this time I wasn't having it. The week he was gone left me enough time to get my affairs in order and to clear my head enough to see what a complete fraud and piece of total shit he was. He then flew into a N rage and said, " I knew you would turn Evil!" I just told him to get the F out and he did, ranting all the way out. It was then and there I decided on NC, no turning back. He may have took away most of my self esteem and sent me into a headspin of how and why, but deep down I knew it was totally wrong, insane, and the abuse was completely his fault, and I did not deserve any of it. I realized, I am L & R's daughter, and they did NOT raise me to be somebody's fool. I mustered all of my righteousness and moral indignation and just made the decision. And I never looked back.

That's what it takes. A decision. NC.

I would have liked to say that was the end of it, but because I worked at the same place he did, he tried every trick in the book to harrass me, enough so that I had to request a formal NC from both of our supervisors. He was not allowed to talk to me for any reason, and if he needed something work related, he had to go through the proper channels. Ane let me tell you, the NC was the best thing I did for myself and the cruelest thing I could have done to him. Being sooo close yet sooo far from me was just eating his ass!

Eventually, I moved out of state, but a friend of mine who kept in contact with him for a while (until he burned her too, but not romantically)she told me that he was still pining (or acting) for me almost two years after we broke up and NC, despite the fact that he was in a live-in relationship with an OW. And not even with the OW he left me for, two more women after her.

They are sick, gals. Please make no mistake about that. They will NEVER change. As long as they are awake and breathing they are calculating and hunting for supply. Every second of the day. Don't waste any more of your seconds on them. I'm serious about that, because wether you are 20,30,40,50 or beyond....no amount of time is worth spending on these scum sucking bottom dwellers. Life is way too short, and none of us knows for sure how much time we have left. Get out and do what YOU want to do, love life and your true friends and family. And for Heaven's sake love yourselves. When it comes right down to it, you are the only one you can count on.

BTW, if you are obsessing over if these guys ever get their comeuppance......they do. Mine did in a major way, it would just take too long and this post is long enough now! So I'm thinking I'll start a new thread for those of us with updates of how our ex's have fallen on their @$$es. They cannot help but screw up eventually. And as for mine.....he still refers to me as "Evil" on his facebook page. I wonder if his wife knows how bitter he is over me, hmmmm?

We CAN achieve some measure of closure. Obviously, an N cannot. They can't let go of anything because there is nothing to take its place and fill the void.

I look forward to more conversations and uplifting messages from all of you beautiful strong ladies.