SHIT!!!!!! I was doing so well, I need help! NOW

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#1 Mar 4 - 2PM

jen79

SHIT!!!!!! I was doing so well, I need help! NOW

Why did I look in my trash!!!! Why why why! I saw an email from him, that is delivered right into my trash. And I looked into it and I wish I would have never seen what I have seen.

I deleted it after reading it, so I can not post it here, but the words wont leave my mind, I thought I could just forget, I hope I can get everything together.

He apologized for the last year, how he treated me, that he was never clear with me what was going on in his life, and that he kept me on a hold.
That he wants to change his relationship patterns, being always absent with his mind, always one food out of the door, and his passive aggressive behaviour.
That he wants to take a different step now, he wants to be there for me and seeing what I could really be for him. He suggested that we could skype every two days to get to know each other better, and that he doesnt want to loose me, and that he wants to see me again, he wants to take it slowely, without any sex. He wants it to develop organically, and if I have fear taking advantage of, he will show me consistent behaviour, if I could trust him and stop being so pressures as I used to be.
He said he makes therapy and all those stuff, keeps yoga, stopped smoking, and stopped all his sex texting with other women.
That he wants it to be different this time.

Gosh, I wish I could delete all the doubt within me now, now I am doubting again that he is a narc. Please put some perspective within me. I never got more than an one liner from him. I was doing so fucking well without him already. Its now feeling like all my dreams have become true. And I am shaking with anxiety.

#2 Mar 6 - 9AM

dazed and seeki...

jen79, i'm so glad i read

jen79, i'm so glad i read your post. i had an urge to check the trash to my email (where i'm having all of his emails automatically forwarded to)...but the last time i did it, it completely bit me in the ass. his words/his emails - were everything i ever wanted to hear. i guess the only thing i consider is the length of time he was terrible to you, and the "sudden" change is he offering. it seems a bit much, no? it seems like too good to be true, no? here's a good way to see it perhaps? step back from the situation. you are in control. if you want to speak to him, you will do it. but do not contact him because HE is pulling you to him. don't do it because HE is making promises of change. don't do it because HE is seducing you. make this about YOU. what will YOU get out of it? do YOU because he can change? how will this improve YOUR life? what do YOU want? i slowly gave control to my exn, and soon my decisions were all based on HIM. HIS needs. on HIS whim. at HIS convenience. You are feeling anxiety i think because you secretly know that it's not a good idea to reach out to him. and yet you want to reach out. this is a big sign - listen to yourself. i think i forgot to listen to my gut a lot and that's what got me in this mess in the first place. step back. an extra day or two or week or two won't kill him. if he really wants you back and really wants to work on things, he can wait. but make this about YOU. your anxiety says a lot! hugs.

#3 Mar 5 - 4PM

MandyM

Just wanted to say that I

Just wanted to say that I feel for you. I have no idea what I would have done in your place.

#4 Mar 5 - 12PM

neverlookback

NO CONTACT MEANS NOT READING WHAT THEY SEND

God Jen this makes me SICK, what a crock of dog, bull, horse, sheep, and cow SHIT. That he wants it to be different this time. He could not be different if he even WANTED to be different. My answer will be short, THEY CAN NOT CHANGE, WHAT HE HAS IS PERMANENT, and mine is living proof of that from what he was 25 years ago to what he is NOW. What he wrote you is part of their pathology, they are sooooo skilled at doing this. My answer would have been much more brief like: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER ME THAT I WANT, YOU ARE DISORDERED AND ALWAYS WILL BE, DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!! I am maybe harsh in my answer but this is the type of behavior they do to us that keeps us stuck and in pain and I AM SICK OF IT. THE only thing they can change is maybe a layer of skin like a rattle snake. Its much easier hon to not read anything they send, TOTAL NO CONTACT, do not read his words or listen to them and please dont go on FB and probe around to see what he is doing, in my case its like saying, ewww lets see what Charles Manson is doing these days and what woman he is with, same sick twisted disordered mind. He wants to take it slowly without any sex? EWWW was that supposed to make you think he is suddenly honorable? NO CONTACT HONEY X(X(X(

#5 Mar 5 - 11AM

Hunter

Jen79

Chickie, Come on!! Didn't you yell at me the other day? He's a NARCIE , NARC, no doubt, Stay strong, Idealk

#6 Mar 5 - 8AM

jen79

Weird is

I always thought, if that ever happens, I feel satisfaction, but I dont, I just feel pain and very sad. All I want is take him into my arms, how cruel and twisted it is, that its not possible with them.

#7 Mar 5 - 8AM (Reply to #40)

IncognitoBurrito

Yep

#8 Mar 4 - 11PM

jen79

Ladies I had to answer him in the night

I was so tense, I just had to stop it, I was so afraid to hear more of that, I knew I couldnt resist it, and I was so terrified of being sucked into again. So I wrote: I cannot, narc, I cant trust it. My fear of being discarded again is too big. I think we both have to do some healing and growing to do. And I see you are trying to work on yourself and I think maybe you will have a successfull relationship one day, though you always doubted it. But I need something else, I need trust, and care, and security, someone who is crazy over me without any doubt and hesitation. Maybe one day you will meet a woman that you really love, and there will be no doubt for you, no hesiation. No game playing ok. Please dont answer, give me some time. hugs jen. I know its too nice, and I also know its really great supply for him. Why is it, that before I pushed the send button, I was full of fear and doubt, and now that I did it, I am totally sad and longing for him again? Why is that. Before I just saw he is using me, now I feel like I pushed away a real chance. I cried this morning again, waking up with pain, the minute I remembered what happened. Maybe cause I know now, no matter what he would do, its over for me, I cannot go back. That hurts so much gooooooooood, he was part of my heart and dreams for 3 years, every second, every step I took, it was always connected with him, and now I know he never loved me, never will. He didnt answer. I asked him not to answer, but a part of me hoped for it. Now I can sense, how is either rolling his eyes about me, feeling like ok bitch, who cares, or maybe he is even relieved he got out of this again. I see now, I think I will always have to live with it, why he could not love me. There will always be this scar in my heart. Its a sad today. I will go now to a girlfriend to have breakfast, and later go out with my sister. So at least I will have distraction. Ladies, all the pain is back. Its awfull. Thanks for reading.

#9 Mar 5 - 1PM (Reply to #33)

neverlookback

Jen

I see now, I think I will always have to live with it, why he could not love me. There will always be this scar in my heart. They say the scar will heal, I also on a daily basis walk around with a sadness from within, mine was so cruel, callous and perverted that I focus more on his awful behavior more than WHY he could not love me or anyone for that matter. BUT, there is a reason why he behaved in this manner and it had NOTHING to do with me, it is who he is and this is what he does and always has done. short, tall, heavy, thin, hair color, eye color, talents, it doesnt matter we are all the same to them, some offer fantastic supply while some so so supply. We were all crushed and hurt very very deeply from their disorder he was part of my heart and dreams for 3 years, - Yes, as well as myself and that will take some time to heal. We can never go back Jen but we can go forward to something that is REAL and not some imaginary relationship we carried in our heads thinking we were loved. I have said it many times just how do you recover from something like this and know that one day the sadness we feel will go away. There was closure for me in some respects, in the respect he CAN NOT genuinely love as we know love, it was NOTHING we ever did to cause this utter betrayal and we never never deserved for ONE MINUTE Jen to be treated the way they treated us. It IS sad, I find their disorder to be very sad, they will never know as we know how truly wonderful it is to have a loving healthy life with someone, the best they can do is FAKE it and as you can see that is not good enough for us. They are rotten to the core and that is something we will never be able to change or love them enough to make them change, nobody can. I am sorry for the pain you are in, but we both have to let go of something that will only destroy us in the end, you are number ONE, you are all you have in this life and you deserve happiness. x0x0

#10 Mar 5 - 1PM (Reply to #34)

jen79

neverlookback

Here is the thing, I was already at some point, where it didnt matter anymore, I choose myself over him, cause I am the person I am, if thats not enough, then leave. Why it hurts again so much, I dont know. I dont want to feel that way again, but I do. I havent forgotten what he did, and even worse, that he never cared about it, cause it was all just my fantasy, and not his fault of course. Meaning, we never had something, so what is there to mourn for. It hurts more to feel empty again, after I had already a real glimps of myself again. It hurts to look around again and see the world in this bitter empty, no sense making, distorted version. It hurts cause I know, he couldnt care less about me. Dont get me wrong here, all what he said, I still feel what he is feeling, no matter how far he is away. And believe me it sucks to feel it. He couldnt care less. He is not even slightest hurt or sad, that I am gone. He is already thinking whats next. That hurts too. It just sucks alot. Its all bitter and weird, and totally confusing. I can even see how he would think now, hey look at her, again she is hurting over something that doesnt even exist, why bother so much, just move on. It sucks. Not sure if he is able to change or not. But I know he wont change for me.

#11 Mar 5 - 5PM (Reply to #38)

neverlookback

There are times when I have

There are times when I have bad days that I wish he would drive two hours to try and contact me, see me, SOMETHING ANYTHING. I KNEW when I went NC he would NOT come after me, I knew it in my heart and I guess its something I feared to actually have proof that this man truly never felt anything for me, that reality hit me in the heart real hard when I went NC 6 weeks ago. I know what mine is thinking, ah she was getting to be too much work, she was more work that she was worth she never gave me what I REALLY wanted anyway, I tried for 4 years with her to give me group sexual encounters and she never came thru for me so her supply is useless to me. I will just have to go pay a call girl for what I want, its less trouble. (mine just happened to be a real wack job pervert, they all have different needs for their supplies) I know your world feels EMPTY and everyday it seems as though you live with a broken heart, such sadness that overcomes me at times too. I truly no longer care what he is doing in his life but what pains me is how he threw me away like garbage, when HE is the one that was and will NEVER be worthy of ME. He tried to destroy my morals and all my virtues. Jen in order to get ourselves back we have to go thru some pain and I know that is unfair but nothing is fair about being a victim, but know that you DID NOT walk away from anything that even closely resembles love, it was SICK Jen and he was sick. Normal people do not do these things to people try to remember that when you have set backs. Ya it sucks this happened to us, like I needed this shit in my life to contend with. Sometimes I try to look at this experience as being the victim of rape. Am I going to contact the person that raped me? Do I want this sick person that raped me to REALLY come after me and stalk me? Same concept in a way, I know this person had about as much love for me as a rapist waiting in a dark alley ready to rape a woman at gunpoint. I hope this passes for you, sometimes our PTSD can sneak up on us and we relive some memories and feelings of the past associated with them. x0

#12 Mar 5 - 4PM (Reply to #35)

IncognitoBurrito

Jen

It might hurt so much now, because you dug through trash- found the letter, and then responded to it. Now your thoughts are on him, when/if he'll respond, and telling yourself it was closure, when it wasn't. You ripped the band-aid off of yourself. (This is just the opinion of someone on the internet, so take it for what it's worth.) Maybe, in order for you to actually feel truly better, you have to own these feelings, as a result of your own doing? You were healing, from the inside out, naturally. Still hurting though, unfortunately. Then, went masochistic, and flogged yourself. That doesn't feel good! Or does it? In order for you to stop doing this- and at this point, he can no longer do anything to you without YOUR consent- you could maybe keep in mind the way you're feeling right now. (But don't hold onto it.) About face! If you want to feel this way continually, keep digging through the trash, but don't be surprised when you find more rotten tomatoes. You know what I mean? Then again, I'm struggling to stay NC myself, so I understand the temptation. I'm still in early days of NC... all over the place! I want to fix it all better, too, but I can't! Sucks. Keep your nose out of that virtual trash, it stinks in there! Ew! You sound like a person who deserves a lot better. Demand better, don't pick from the trash. Enough garbage metaphors for you? :o)

#13 Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #36)

jen79

I am better today

And talked with yogi through skype. It helped alot. Yesterday I thought I will not survive the pain, but this morning I woke up and the pain was gone. I am still sad. But its ok. I dreamed he texted me that he isnt a liar, that he really ment it, and that he just tries to look beyond this romeo and juliet story. I woke up, checking, but there was nothing. Then my dead grandmother visited me in dream, and said, I should tell my mother, she is fine where she is now. And I dont know why, but somehow I feel a little bit better now. I think, he and him are done now. I can almost feel it.

#14 Mar 6 - 11AM (Reply to #37)

IncognitoBurrito

Jen

Your grandma visited you in a dream? How sweet is THAT? Was it comforting? Don't you just love those, rare, and precious visits? Makes you feel like somebody's watching out for you, doesn't it? Maybe she saw the whole thing. I'm still sad, too. A selfish part of me wants to hear something good from him. Not that it'd matter. I'd just be spinning all over again. I hope that you and I can both stick with this NC thing. It's not enjoyable.

#15 Mar 5 - 6AM (Reply to #30)

michele115 (not verified)

The pain comes and goes Jen

But you did a very courageous thing under the circumstances and it is evident you are healing... You were healthy enough to resist even though you broke NC...if it is what you felt you had to do to get further along, we all fall off from time to time... You are doing all the right things, going out, going about life...that's all any of us can do. Be kind to yourself...this will pass as we fill up those empty spaces that he USED to occupy. All the best my dear... Hugs!

#16 Mar 5 - 8AM (Reply to #31)

jen79

Michelle

thanks for your answer, yes you are right, this was the thoughest thing I have ever done. I felt I was so close to finally get what I wanted, but my inner voice screamed, and I sweared to myself, to always listen to it, to NEVER ignore it again, cause thats early signe you get, you way to opt out before your get really hurt. So if my inner voice, that I see as my guidance from my higher self says no to it, or better it says YES to something else. I will have to follow it, no matter how much it sucks now. And it does suck, beyond any desciption. I still feel like its all just a dream, But I wont let myself sleide back to this dark place I was in the last two years. I have gone through much, learned too much. And I can feel already, how he moved on, and couldnt care less, I know its not worth to shed more one tear. Hugs

#17 Mar 5 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

michele115 (not verified)

Jen

And I hold on to the thought that despite the pain, agony, anger, and all that enveloped me... It was not in VAIN... I hated it... But it forced me into other directions I would never have considered because I would have been willing to stay stuck in the BOX I was living in...

#18 Mar 5 - 12AM (Reply to #29)

Scoop

Oh Jen !I understand that you

Oh Jen !I understand that you had to reply . If you look at the reply what you are actualy saying is a big fat NO to him , which is a clear boundry . Although i dont expect he will respect that but thats a narc for you . I broke NC when the hover kicked in and i wished i didnt but what is done is done , i just drew a line under it and went NC all over again . The narcs head is in la la land so its not like you are having a normal conversation with a normal man , you could have writen anything back to him and it would be read with distorted vision by him . Have a great day out today , spring is here !well very nearly . Big Love Scoop x

#19 Mar 4 - 11PM (Reply to #27)

aceonelady

tears...Jen79

Hi Jen Hughs to you,i know how you feel,this brought tears to my eyes "i see now,i think i will always have to live with it,why he could not love me.There will always be this scar in my heart" Same here,Love Aceonelady

Aceonelady

#20 Mar 5 - 6AM (Reply to #28)

jen79

Yogi, scoop, aclady

Thanks for your reply. I am ok, I do feel empty again. Thats not so good. Its like a very bitter taste in my mouth when I look around. But I know I made the right decision, though my heart aches. Funny thing is, I can feel that he couldnt care less about my answer. Funny isnt it. I can only feel damn indifference, and contempt about this from him.

#21 Mar 4 - 4PM

jen79

thank you all

for your post, I will try to get some sleep now. I knew I will get my head straight here with your help. Thank you ladies, sooo so much!!!! I am not sure yet, what I am going to do, maybe I will feel the urge to have a last look, but for now I will just forget about the BS. And I am sure not into the game again. Thanks to you.

#22 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

Lisa E. Scott

Good for you, Jen!

Stay strong and remember you are so much better off without this toxic man in your life! We are here for you. xoxo

#23 Mar 4 - 3PM

Lisa E. Scott

Jen79

I'm so sorry, hon. Please know that he is saying everything he knows you "want" to hear. He cannot live up to any of it. He is incapable of it. Happy is right: "Bottom line is they don't live up to there word. They never will. Goldie posted actions speaking louder than words and that's so true! You wouldn't be here if he was a normal and kind human being. He's a narc and they may want to change but they don't." He will never change. Please don't doubt yourself. This is exactly what he is counting on. Don't give in to it. You are strong and you know he is incapable of change. He doesn't deserve you. You need to maintain No Contact so you are emotionally available to meet a man who does deserve you! Hang in there and if you feeling like responding to him, come here to talk instead! You can do this. We are here for you and you are not alone. xoxo

#24 Mar 4 - 3PM

Happy1

Jen79

I'm sorry because I know how painful it is to read everything you've been wanting to hear. I had a similar experience or I should say more than one now where he's said those things. Bottom line is they don't live up to there word. They never will. Goldie posted actions speaking louder than words and that's so true! You wouldn't be here if he was a normal and kind human being. He's a narc and they may want to change but they don't. You've been doing great! Be strong and you did the right thing by getting rid of that note so you don't obsess over it. Keep doing what you're doing. Happy

#25 Mar 4 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

jen79

Happy1

Thanks so much. Oh Happy, its damn painful. I am something between totally high, full of the drug, full of my fix, but its good, my brain chemistry is normal again, and I am able to really think clear now, cause I am not in this deep grief anymore. I am sad though, cause I would so love to believe him. But I know I could never trust him again. I would alway be afraid to have to go through all the pain again. And I dont even want to see him again, now I dont want it anymore, he would come and check me out if I am worthy of being invested in. I never want to feel that way again. Never ever.

#26 Mar 5 - 2AM (Reply to #22)

Happy1

Jen79

I agree! This pain is too strong and you know you would be back at day 1 again someday if you did it again. You sent the goodbye letter and now be prepared for another response somewhere down the road. They don't give up on supply that easily. Be strong and we are all here for you. I know so well what that high feels like with the narc and I've craved being with daily. I miss him but can't have him. It's sad but reality and it hurts but we survive. It's about 'us' now and not all about 'him'. Hugs Happy

#27 Mar 4 - 3PM

michele115 (not verified)

Jen...

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/03/03/when-he-acts-normal-i-feel-crazy It's a classic hoover... browse this thread...pay attention to "Moments of Clarity" and there is another link to a site that explains some of these dynanmics... You do know better...you're clinging to "false hope" It's not real...he's low on supply...

#28 Mar 4 - 3PM

IncognitoBurrito

Wait a minute!

You did the right thing, by setting all of his e-mails up to go straight to the trash, because that's where this one belongs. He's apologetic for a full YEAR of mistreatment? 365 days, and he couldn't once help himself? He could redeem himself in that time span? That's supposed to still be the honeymoon phase! Highly abnormal. He kept you on HOLD... again, for a YEAR?! 365 days of hurry up and wait? What?! He "WANTS" to change his passive-aggressiveness, and behavior patterns? So, why's he e-mailing YOU to tell YOU about it? He basically just said he's not relationship material, but he WANTS to work on it, and somehow, he's going to work on HIMSELF by "taking things slowly" w/YOU? WTFing F**K? Excuse me, I'm sorry. This is the most loaded piece of drivel I've read in a long time, and I thought I'd heard it all by now. These people don't know their a** from a hole in the ground. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going, and he wants to involve YOU in that?! HUH?! He specifically said "without any sex?" Right, so he's setting YOU up to BEG him for it, and to get back into your life JUST often enough to keep your mind on HIM... but he doesn't want sex? Sounds like double-speak. If a person truly knows they're not in a good place, if a person is truly working on THEMSELVES... they don't send out saccharine letters to their ex. He's trying to set up a situation w/you where he can STILL "have one foot out of the door." How is he possibly going to be ANY different THIS time, when he isn't even taking the necessary steps to heal himself first? I mean, to really work on himself. You don't ask the person you've victimized to take any damn thing slowly. You work on YOURSELF. You give yourself TIME and SPACE to ACTIVELY get BETTER, so you don't do it EVER AGAIN, to the next person. You don't just come back, five minutes after the fact, and proclaim "Okay! I'm all better now! We're good here. I won't do it again! Let's start slow!" If anything, in normal speak, you would just be a distraction (and likely a punching bag) in the way of his "getting better." He's avoiding focusing on himself by focusing on YOU. I'm sorry, I'm angry. It seems so transparent when I read what others are dealing with, but not when it's right in front of my own face. I have some work of my own to do.

#29 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

ally2375

Ms. Burrito

You are awesome! This reaction is just perfect. :)

#30 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

IncognitoBurrito

Ally

Maybe so, but apparently, narcs love it, too! Watch out!

#31 Mar 4 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

michele115 (not verified)

Incognito

You may have some work to do...BUT you hammered this nail on the head...

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