I'm just so tired of hearing it happen to other people. It's not fair. It shouldn't be this way. The real work is going to come from me getting angry when I see it starting to happen to myself, and not just when I see others in such a bind. That's something to explore. Maddening.
OMG, you are so right!
Yes why do I have to be involved in his so called healing process.
You know that was my first impression, he wants to make it different now, but why with me? He didnt say, because I mean so much too him, not even such hoover.
Its like an experiment, trying now to be a good guy, and being present in relationships, uhm yeah, and all other girls are gone, so why not try it with Jen. Like I am a rat in a labour.
Yes, right, it was even more than one year of abuse, to be exact, it was almost 2 years, that he played that BS game.
Ughh. Gosh so happy I can post here.
Jen...you said:
You know that was my first impression, he wants to make it different now, but why with me? He didnt say, because I mean so much too him, not even such hoover.
AND you're right...what he said was:
That he wants to take a different step now (A new and improved abuse tactic), he wants to be there for me (they always know what to say) and SEE what I could really be FOR HIM.
Oh, even better! Well, then he's had TWO years to make it up to you.
Game over. Put him, and his stupid "apology" in the trash. You take your fine a**, high quality self, and find somebody who can get it together for you WITHIN 2 years. What a low life. (*Preferably, somebody who ALREADY comes with his head on straight.)
I'm glad we can post here, too.
Don't you fall for it. You have seen what happened to me. You think you are in a deep hole now just wait until he starts the abuse again and you will see that you can sink lower. Jen this guy is really disturbed. He is going to hurt you. Protect yourself.
I know, my gut tells me to just forget about it. You know he didnt even say, I love you BS, he said, to see what I could be for him, and stop making pressure, taking it slowely. Isnt that all code for: dont have any needs and demands or standards, let me do what I wanna do, and proove yourself as being worthy. See what I could be for him, he didnt say, I wanna show YOU what I could be for YOU. Now I AM the one who has to proove herself again.
Good that I posted it here, puts things in perspective.
This message would shake any of us, I think. Here's my two cents:
A real man doesn't offer up an apology like this in email. Talk is SO cheap. He also doesn't even make it through the whole thing without telling you that he'll behave IF YOU STOP PRESSURING HIM. In other words, if he screws up, it will be your fault because you were pressuring him. He's already laid the groundwork for that handy excuse.
Ask yourself this - even if he did have some sort of come-to-Jesus moment here, could you ever really trust him again. It doesn't matter if he's a Narc or not, if the trust is broken, there's no relationship.
I always say this, but make yourself a list of all the crap that he put you through. Read it, look at all those hurtful acts one after another. THEN ask yourself if you ever want to go down that road again.
Yours is an actor, is that right? Either way, I think this is an act. Lots of members will read this and weigh in for you. Listen to them. Think about what they say. Don't contact him until you are clear about how you feel. (I think once you are, you won't want to.)
Good luck, hun! Lots of hugs.
Ally
^^^I agree with Ally. Talk is so cheap, you have to look at the actions. Like Ally said, just look at all of the crap he put you through, and how he would promise before to change and to no avail the same sh*tty behavior. All my ExN did was talk about how he is sorry and how he loves me and would put a ring on my finger blah blah blah...but his actions always proved otherwise. They will say anything I mean ANYTHING to get you hooked again only to discard you again. Does not matter if he is a narc or not you have to look at how his behavior makes you feel and it comes a point where you can't keep going through the emotional rollercoaster...would much rather be alone.
Yes you are right, I was thinking all day about this, until I posted here, and I see he might even have a real moment, maybe cause all his supply is running away. I never heard him admitting any of these things, I think its a huge step for him. I somehow always believed that he is capable of that, of really growing.
But it doesnt matter anymore, you are right, maybe he is not a narc, maybe he is, but I could never trust him again. God. Good Lord. Ugghh....
gooooooooooooood, I wish I would have never read it.
Well I will try to just put my mind off the subject for now. You know funny thing is, now that what I wanted is so close to me, I feel I am not ready for a relationship with anyone, even if he would become suddenly the man I always wanted him to be, I am just not ready to share my life with anyone.
I feel I have to do things first, bring my life in order again, job, finances, finding myself, getting hobbies, new friends, getting a real life again.
Even if it would be true, and he would really mean what he say, I am not ready for it, Isnt that crazy?
I was waiting for this to happen for 2 years, now that I have let go, one day letter, this email comes with all this offer.
And I see, I am not ready. For no one.
You know I really loved him, I really did, and maybe still do, and I am almost happy, that he has this spark within him, that I always saw in him, that he could change, if he really wanted to.
But its too late. Its just simply too late. I am sad, people, I really am.
when I read my own post, I already see what BS this all is. I am the one who made pressure? Yeah of course, I call it having the lowest of the lowest standards, and this was already pressure.
All bullshit. He is probrably just running out of supply.
Same here. The ex-Psych prof (who has the same b-day as your N) accused me of "pressuring" him, of making him into my personal puppet, when I asked, BEGGED for apologies and remorse. The ex-P was a big fan of Leo Tolstoy... and Tolstoy despised Shakespeare's "King Lear."
Now, "King Lear" is all about a Narc. Lear loooves the flattery&admiration of his daughters Goneril&Regan. He publicly D&Ds Cordelia, who genuinely loves him, he discards her cruelly, leaving her impoverished, without a dowry. He calls her worthless. It is only after Lear is abused&abandoned by the vile Goneril&Regan, when Lear goes mad in the storm, that he realizes that Cordelia loved him. Truly loved him. He's run out NS. When he reunites with Cordelia... it's too late. They reconcile shortly before her execution, and his death.
I remembered during the final D&D, comparing the ex-P to Lear and myself to Cordelia... how fitting.... a father/daughter relationship instead of one of forbidden love (like Romeo&Juliet) I told him that he was rejecting genuine love&respect, that like Lear he preferred flattery&adulation. The opening scene of "Lear" is one of the most famous D&Ds in all of literature (other than the scene in which Hamlet cruelly rejects Ophelia, driving her mad)... Lear calling Cordelia worthless, insulting her, calling her ungrateful, and casting her out with nothing.
I used to compare the ex-P, in person, to Orestes and Hamlet as well... famous characters whose prime characteristic is... madness. They hurt those nearest&dearest to them because of their madness.
"They hurt those nearest & dearest to them because of their madness."
They can't help themselves. Now, this doesn't mean we should forgive them and take them back, but simply understand they are incapable of real love. In their own crazy way, we do mean something to them, but because they cannot attach in a healthy way to ANYONE, they will always Discard & Devalue us eventually. It is inevitable and it will happen in every future relationship they enter.
Jen whatever he is its not normal. This guy has exhibited some very bizarre behavior by anyones standards. This guy has taunted you and taunted you in a sick predatory way. He is only trying a new method as he is sensing you moving away from him
I guarantee you the minute you started to have expectations on his behavior he'd be gone again
Good for you that you are seeing thru him
Yes you are right, how could I ever forget, how he treated me like whore. I will never forget that. Its only now, that suddenly I remember it all again, and it becomes really significant.
For two years, I just remembered the good, and longed for him like crazy, and now all I can remember is the abuse. Isnt that funny?
Probrably yes, he senses I am this time really going away for ever, and its just another tactic.
Michele
incburrito
Jen...you said: You know that
Jen
Don't you fall for it. You
sick of it
This message would shake any
^^^I agree with Ally. Talk
Ally
gosh
Running out of supply
Susan is right
Jen whatever he is its not
sick of it