Should I call him?

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#1 Oct 20 - 12PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Should I call him?

Hey all...for those of you following my stuff over the past week or so...went out on a few dates, great guy, really hit it off...felt completely over the narc & haven't heard from him since a few texts on Sunday, him suggesting we could 'maybe get together again' and me replying 'sounds good to me'

Friends of mine who know me well, know that I've pushed away a few 'nice normal guys' over the years by my stand-off-ish behaviour. Hence how the narcs win me over because they are relentless.

I did delete his # from my phone yesterday and figured, won't be tempted or drunk n' dial or something.

However, my friends are telling me to send him a quick FB msg...like a 'hey, busy for the next few days, wanna get together this weekend?'

However, I'm old fashioned and don't believe in chasing guys. For me, silence is their unspoken word of, they're not interested. BUT my friends are saying I give off the vibe that I'm not into them so they won't put themselves out there again.

What to do.........?

#2 Oct 20 - 4PM

herlatestvictim

Absolutely NOT

One thing we learn from Narcs... ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If someone wants you, they will show you. If they don't, they won't.

#3 Oct 20 - 4PM

betty2020

"should I call him?" Should

"should I call him?" Should you change your name from movingforward to movingback? Your days of chasing a bad dream are over. Let it go and move forward to finding the self you lost in the last relationship with the Narc. There is where the answers lye. If he is interested and decent,,,,,,,he will call you. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#4 Oct 20 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

onwithmylife

Betty, you funny lady

You gave me a chuckle, apart from that i would not call, if he is interested, he will call, otherwise move on...his LOSS i love that one! Even my exN once said to me years ago when I said that to him, you are right.................

#5 Oct 20 - 1PM

Briseis

I don't think I am old

I don't *think* I am old fashioned :P but I get a gut urge to tell you not to call him. If you are old fashioned, that is an EXCELLENT way to be and those are your values and they are perfectly appropriate even in this day and age to live by. He is a product of this culture as well, where the guy makes the first move. He knows he can do this, if he wants to. I would dump all the "scare a good man away" stuff from your head right now. I think that is irrelevant to use as a yardstick after a first date. Unless you did something really outrageous on that one single date, he doesn't know enough about you to make even the slightest educated guess. This is my personal stuff, not a yardstick for other people to go by at all . . . but both relationships where I made the first move, and did the initial pursuing, ended up being DISASTERS. The first one was this poor alcoholic architect hermit who I thought was sweet but turned out to be a secret rageaholic and just plain weird, and the second one turned out to be my exN :(

#6 Oct 20 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

jen79

Briseis is right

my relationship ended up in desasters, cause I did the first move. Dont do this, with this your forcing something that is not ment to be maybe. Let it happen as it comes. Trust in the universe, it will be easy and effortless, when its ment to be.

#7 Oct 20 - 1PM (Reply to #21)

Briseis

That is exactly what I did,

That is exactly what I did, Jen. I FORCED the relationships. With exN, it's like he had some idea what he would eventually end up doing to me. He even tried to break it off during the dating, and I talked him out of it lol :( You know what I remember the most? This obsession with him. Thinking about him, all the time (this is pre-dating, girls!!). I HAD to have him. I went round and round with my best GF over the phone, should I ask HIM out first? He wasn't gonna make the move. He continued to be friendly, but . . . I have this kind of spiritual belief, a lot like what Jen says. Question yourself with brutal honesty here. How do you feel? How much of your day -- HONESTLY -- is taken up wondering about all this? If it is kind of a lot, you might need to back waaayyyy up. There may be some underlying stuff going on inside of you that is amplifying things beyond a natural evolution of a relationship (or, a natural evolution of a relationship not meant to be more than a date or two). This is the first guy you've gone out with since the N. That in itSELF is a red flag for you. A time to be especially honest and careful with yourself. If you fear losing THIS "good" guy, that is too much fear. Something inside of you is driving this fear. You don't even KNOW him, not at all.

#8 Oct 20 - 1PM

Scoop

ahh to call or not to call

ahh to call or not to call that is the question . There is no rules to this despite what you may have read , i have read that on no account call a man to ask him for a date right but heres my thinking on this , the narc went full out to call me at the begining and i let him do all the chasing (although he tryed to re write history and said i threw myself on him lol ...funny that eh ?)so i let the narc do all the running at first and look where it bleeding got me ? so ... the rules have changed in my book , any guy that is in for the chase is going to get bored after he got you , they are by nature preditory and we dont want any bloke like that . I can be very stand offish and hardly ever get asked out .. and im not a moose far from it , in england we dont have the same dating culture yet and guys are far less likely to ask you out , when i ask a boyfriend why he didnt ask me out first they have said "i didnt think you wanted to " ... hmmm ...so i understand the issue .. what to do ... i like the face book idea but maybe not the full out lets go out at the weekend , i would strike up conversation on a photo or something that he has posted so he knows you are still intrested and see what happens , you can gage alot from A, how quickly he replys and B, what he says ... you know the drill . .... personaly i like this guy and he likes me but i have no energy to get into anything yet , i got a friend to tell him that maybe after christmas something would happen and to tell him i do like him ... i saw him today , i called him to see if he was around to hang out but nothing is going to happen yet and its a boundry which i am happy with and it means i can call him if i fancy to as we are "just friends"... what do you recon to the fb idea ?

#9 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #16)

movingforward (not verified)

Liking the FB idea still Scoop...

Briseis, yes this has been in my mind quite a bit over the past few days... He was absolutely adorable on those 2 dates, put on my jacket...opening doors left and right, shy, smelled amazing, was a gentleman, we laughed our asses off pretty much most of the time...at one point he's outside chopping wood, making a fire in the fireplace, I was sold. By best 3 male friends I know say I'm a 'prim & proper' girl who seems to undoubtedly 'f*ck up' anything good that comes my way. Examples are as follows, lol: A) I dated a nice guy a few yrs back, we have mutual friends, great date, at the end of the date he invited me in for a drink...I politely declined and we ended up in an awkward hug -- he went in for a kiss, I turned my head and he got my cheek/ear. I drove off. Never heard from him after that. He told my friend later at a party "She's not into me! She is NOT into me, I'm not calling her." B) One other time, this guy wanted me to go see him where his band was playing or something, he asked me like 3 times...I made up an excuse and didn't go, he never tried again & told my friends "she's not into me". Both of those guys were normal and are happily married now with kids and lives. C) My first super nice boyfriend - dated him for 2 yrs...initially when we met I heard he was trying to decide between me and another girl. I made up the decision for him by checking out. Months later I went with a mutual friend to a party of his, we talked...dated for 2 years, he was ridiculously in love with me. Long story/short -- I left the nice boyfriend and found my 1st narc at the end of that, 1st narc was more 'exciting' at the time, had a motorbike & an apartment (I was 20). Look where that got me. Super nice boyfriend is now a super great dad to a son and has a lovely wife, they're both successful lawyers living in their dream house. Do we see a pattern here? Seems as though when I wait to be chased, it's by crazy narcs. Yet the nice guys would seem to slip past me. Part of me thinks the nice guys don't know the way to play the 'game'...where as the crazy narc is an expert at it. Thoughts?

#10 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Used

mforward

could it just be, like me you "like", bad boys.... or to put it another way...EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN.... and this was my therapist take on it, that i am attracted to them b/c i know it wont last and so i know where i am ,and where it is going... i love this board and the people on it.... but i have a "reputation", for being unapproachable and intimadating, when i met narc we had a 1 coffee and i thought icould like this man... we were not a match made in heaven.... he was my absent mother in male form.. abusive, loud ,eccentric , bombastic, violent, mean,greedy, covertous, every negative trait she had had. i was "HOME"back with my PYSHICALLY EMOTIONALLY UNAVAIBLE MUM.. doomed from the get go... this probley hasent helped you.... but it has helped me for first time by writng this down i relize, when i met him i was recovering from a breakdown, i had gone back to bieng a little kid and i wanted my mum and there you have itxxxx

#11 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

wholeagain

I've had the same issue

so I understand what you're saying, totally. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I'm intimidating or unapproachable, I don't feel like I am but I know I'm shy. I don't think men expect attractive women to be shy, at least that's what I've been told. And like you, it's the relentless narcs that have chased despite my aloofness. Lot of good that did me lol! Anyway, I'm not really a rules gal, I'm a let-the-relationship-find-its-own-level gal. I don't think it would hurt at all to reach out in a casual way. If he's not interested then you'll know for sure. If he is then wonderful, maybe you see him again. You're not stalking him or pushing him up against the wall, you're being genuine. Narc relationships are full of bullsh*t games, and I've had enough of that personally. I'd rather just act then get my questions answered than wait around. How he responds to this should tell you all you need to know.

#12 Oct 20 - 1PM

movingforward (not verified)

p.s.

The texts were from the nice guy, not the narc. The narc and I haven't spoken in over a month & I'm ok with that :) Thanks for your input ladies. xo

#13 Oct 20 - 1PM

ewa

Nothing

If the guy treats you serious and you are important for him, he will call you. Do not call him, it is my opinion only :)

#14 Oct 20 - 1PM

jen79

Dont call him

and dont send him this FB message as your friends have suggested. Never force something, especially in the beginning. If he doesnt ask you out in a decent manner, that means not on the very day he wants to see you, but some days before, so you can plan, forget him. In the beginning you should keep your boundaries and standards high, so you dont waste your time on a loser. And dont listen to your friends! *rolleyes* Dont these things please. Give him what vibes? He is either interested in you or not, and if he is too shy to ask you out (fairy tale) forget it. And dont listen to your friends, they obviously have no idea.

#15 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

Scoop

I dont know ... i know lots

I dont know ... i know lots of men who like girls but are too shy to ask them out , i do think its a british thing though . when i go to the States i am taken aback of how ready the guy is to come up to talk to you , we dont have that in england unless it is the end of friday night and the guy has had ten pints inside him ... which is not attractive lol.As its a cultural thing scrap what i said about fb .xx

#16 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

movingforward (not verified)

Really?

So don't send the message? He is super shy, his sister married a British guy....lol, not that it helps, but still... However, he FB'd me first, he texted me first, asked me out first...asked me out again...he's done all the chasing so far...aurgggh. It shouldn't be this complicated. All this and he's probably at work going 'meh, ah well that didn't work out'

#17 Oct 20 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Used

However, he FB'd me first,

However, he FB'd me first, he texted me first, asked me out first...asked me out again...he's done all the chasing so far...aurgggh. sounds familiar...... this is narc behavior.. the whole package... then the withdraweral..... and i dont believe he is shy.... i just dont....

#18 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

darkspark

only you can decide what you are going to do

I think what people are saying to you is that you SHOULDN'T chase down this guy IF *you fear being alone *trying to replace Narc high with the 'next guy' *you don't have a handle on all the boundaries, red-flag recognizing stuff that makes us stronger and healthier OR because you are newly out of the Ns influence and you might not have a handle on the SAFE way to establish a new relationship, a clear awareness of your boundaries and etc. Me? If I wanted to do it, I'd go ahead and do it, but I'd be cautious and slow and deliberate. If you really want to do this, you don't need permission - but remember you will be responsible for the consequences. I'm wondering though: What's the rush? Why do you HAVE to make this decision today? Why not next week? Why not in two weeks? Why can't you wait to see what he does? How do you know you could have ended up happily married to those other guys anyway? Are you trying to predict the future based on the past? Do you feel that you are thinking clearly and making decisions rationally? Are you sure that you are remembering this WONDERFUL guy with a clear mind or is your desire to move-on distorting your impression? Yes, there are lots of nice guys and gals out there, and yes, people do meet and fall in love and life happy and healthy lives. No reason it shouldn't happen for you (or me, or any of us) :) If YOU truly feel that you have a handle on everything and that you REALLY want to do this, then it's your call. Its all about US, being responsible for OURSELVES :)

#19 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

movingforward (not verified)

darkspark you're right

I can wait. I think being with a narc has trained my brain to assume that this guy will get with someone else immediately. Thing is, I'm the second girl he dated in a year and a half since his split with the ex. The first girl and him had 1 date, he said she was too young and immature. Right now my thougths are scattered. I'm missing the attention and I started to fall for the 'this might be a possibility' fantasy. Usually I don't like nice guys. Usually I like jerks. So take a nice guy and have him not call me for a few days and I turn into this... Maybe all of this is happening for a reason because I'm not feeling ready yet to be open to the idea of being vulnerable to someone. I need to get strong first. That being said, this might be a good thing. I'm not going to call. Or Facebook. You're right, I need to just be responsible on this one. Acting on my emotions have gotten me into a lot of trouble over the past number of years. Thank you, I needed to read that :) And the trying to predict the future based on the past -- so true!!! Wow.

#20 Oct 20 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

darkspark

Right on :)

I'm glad you feel alright about what I said. It's something I got from cognitive behavioral therapy - to look at the situation at the most basic factual level and decide where to go from there. That's what recovery is for me. It's an inner voice that questions every thing I think and hear, processes it and decides if it is in my best interest or not. Not perfect, but WAY better than the narc induced mind jumble. I hope it doesn't go away!!! And I'm very happy if you feel better today. :)

#21 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

jen79

Scoop

I am in germany, so here its even worse, cause when i am in england, I am thrilled about how much they aproach me there lool. But still, the rules are the same, no matter where you are. Dont chase a man, let him do this job.

#22 Oct 20 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

ewa

I totally agree with Jen79!!!

#23 Oct 20 - 1PM

Used

mforward

i wouldnt do it, its not like you only had 1 date, if you had of, you could think yeah he is shy, but it was 2 dates and a lot of info, this is not a shy man. i understand you like him, deleting his number in case you are tempted to phone, i dont want to come over doom and gloom, but if you are already getting in a tizzy about this man, imagine what it will be like getting involved with him, and again waiting for him to contact you, this is not how a man should act,and as for you being standoffish, i am known to be this to men and women, but if someone is interested enough they will pursue it....and that doesnt mean they are narcs.... i have got aquainted with a woman friend and she said, this has took me 2 years to get you to talk to me... if someone wants to know you they will put some effort into it.... he hasent, and ok your friends are saying doit.... do what you want.mforward, not what your friends wantxxxx

#24 Oct 20 - 1PM

tica

Do NOT call him

just my opinion~but I think your response, "sounds good to me" is not being putoffish..but CALLING him is NEEDY do you NEED him or like spending time with him? If the later, than chill out..be cool have fun with your friends, you know in your gut what NOT to do...haven't we all learned that here? Yes, thanks for posting, you made me confirm to myself that when the N comes hoovering around to keep my pride and dignity..please do the same, it is empowerment at its best :)

#25 Oct 20 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Janet

Just agreeing with most of

Just agreeing with most of the above...I would not call or fb him. If he is interested he will call, if not, that's okay. Peace. J

Peace. J

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