The Silent Treatment:: How True

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#1 Aug 7 - 7AM
baddream
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The Silent Treatment:: How True

This very good article was posted at the end of another thread. It rang so true to me and reflects what so many of us are going through--wondering why they left and why we never heard from them again.

The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse

I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.

Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself).

The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on.

In my current relationship (over as of this last abusive episode) I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind.

I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death?

As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses:

* I needed to have some space

* I thought you needed some space

* I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me

* I thought we both need a cooling off period

* I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation

* I just needed some time alone to think

* I didn't want to fight

* You told me to leave you alone

* Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out

Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.

Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said:

"He uses it to punish me on a regular basis"

"I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible."

"I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me. ...and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist."

"That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore."

"There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!"

The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose.

But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser.

Isn't that leaving? I should think so!

Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection.

For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior.

I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore.

http://www.liftedhearts.com

Nov 7 - 7AM
IncognitoBurrito
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This is a big part of my story, too.

Nov 5 - 10PM
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

This is my story.....

Nov 6 - 12AM (Reply to #34)
talktothehand
talktothehand's picture

ST

Nov 6 - 12AM (Reply to #35)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Talktothehand

Nov 6 - 12AM (Reply to #36)
talktothehand
talktothehand's picture

Timtam

Nov 6 - 1AM (Reply to #37)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Talktothehand

Nov 6 - 3AM (Reply to #38)
talktothehand
talktothehand's picture

narc parents etc.

Nov 5 - 11PM (Reply to #31)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Timtam

Nov 5 - 11PM (Reply to #32)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Alissa

Nov 6 - 5AM (Reply to #33)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Timtam

Nov 5 - 9AM
Alissa
Alissa's picture

great article!

Aug 30 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the silent treatment IS abuse!

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Aug 7 - 7PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Great Article

In the beginning the silence treatment did hurt my children and I, but later after we were talking about it we all found out how it was really a blessing in disguise. What I mean is it gave us some peace but of course then one is walking on eggshells around them because you know sooner or later the yelling will start. But with NC you will get the “silence treatment” more or less without the eggshell walking. Like most dysfunctional ways they try to emotionally and psychologically control and hurts us it will backfire on them so they will get the silence treatment by this time because we want it and not them. Great article and thanks! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Aug 7 - 11PM (Reply to #27)
baddream
baddream's picture

Yes James.

So much better to be in control than be controlled. The NC/silence is a blessing.
Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #25)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

TRUE

it will backfire on them so they will get the silence treatment by this time because we want it and not them. Thats a good point because during that silent treatment we can heal and step back and get stronger and before long we learn to realize we can live a happy, healthy full life again
Aug 7 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cynthia

Thats a good point because during that silent treatment we can heal and step back and get stronger and before long we learn to realize we can live a happy, healthy full life again That’s right! Because any type of abuse once it’s understood and acknowledge will backfire on them! Whenever a victim is first introduced to counseling one of the things the therapist needs to do is to help the victim understand what form or abuse i.e. manipulation is being used to control them. Abusers only have one point of view and/or mind set. That is to control you and get whatever it is they want. Your feeling and emotional state is of no important to them. Also abuse always goes in cycles so one must understand and acknowledge the cycle then learn how to avoid the conflict they wish to provoke in the victim. This is why whenever we go NC we should also seek out a therapist and/or some type of group therapy. Members can use this forum for support but it can't replace the face to face support we can get whenever we seek help and assistance in our healing. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Aug 7 - 6PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

just the topic I needed today

First I want to embark upon abandonment. The greatest fear I always had and the warnings about these wackos they will abandon you for days, weeks at a time ..... but lets stop to think about that. Adults can not be abandoned, children are abandoned in the true sense if we are sound and whole we can never truly be abandoned as adults, oh they will withdraw and make us FEEL emotionally abandoned FOR SURE but I always know whoever in my life may take up and leave I know I will always have myself to count on, thats just my theory on that, they are the sick ones that are TERRIFIED of abandonment because they are forever stuck with the emotions of a five year old, and we all know they are not whole and content within themselves. I can give you the PERFECT example, you say something, try to express to them their actions are hurting you, or not acceptable to how you feel you should be treated they pull the silent treatment and withdrawl yes exactly their way of avoiding having to justify anything to you, they dont feel they need to justify you are TO COMPLY, because comply is love to them, comply and power and HOW DARE YOU misbehave to the contrary, I will show you and teach you a lesson you either conform to the way things are or you suffer my silent wrath and you do not question I will stomp that behavior out. It is the cruelest form of abuse and the LOWEST, mine wouldnt answer me for days and days and days, then with a little phone call out of the blue when they think we have learned our lesson and know better to never do that again they call as if nothing happened hoping we will forget our stupid feelings and how stupid we were to express them. That is NOT LOVE, THAT IS SICK, and that is not the way adults who are mentally healthy function in a relationship, if we all went around giving the silent treatment to everyone who said something to us we didnt want to confront it would be a sad world, but the pathological dont have the ability to change or conform. So are we supposed to worry during their silent treatment and absence what they are doing? WHO CARES because in a few days someone else will piss them off and they will do the same thing to them and then they will call us for supply while they are punishing someone else with their sick games. Yes it is a good time to sit back and really see just how deformed they are. Who wants a partner like that and there is no jealousy factor here to even consider, because they will do it to the next partner and the next and the next, nobody special will come along to stop that behavior. I really wish they would stop having any type of relationships with anyone, they should just drift along in life ALONE they would be happier and I KNOW WE WOULD but my goodness who would they suck from to get their identity from, poor things I wonder too why I settled for such crap and behavior I know the answer I was under a deep spell, mind control cult like behavior, as we walk around like zombies unable to feel and connect to reality something just one day wakes us up and we say ENOUGH. NOBODY in the world is worth sacrificing like this for I need to get myself back. It is then our painful recovery begins in getting ourselves back to the healthy side of life.
Aug 7 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

on abandonment

http://www.abandonmentrecovery.com/abando.anon.html
Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
baddream
baddream's picture

Exactly right.

Yes, this is how it went for me too: 1. He would do something wrong--lying, cheating, manipulating--the usual. 2. I would confront him. 3. He would say "you will never believe me. you will never forget and if you can not put this in the past and behind us then there will be no future for us. (he would say this in a very threatening way) 4. I would feel like I was on the defense. 5. He would disappear,give me the silent treatment, not call for days and days because I confronted him. 6. I would start to get very anxious and a panic feeling, and also feel physically ill. I felt like I HAD to talk to him. He made me want to undo what I had said. 7. The silent treatment made me feel like I had to resolve the problem. 8. I ended up CALLING HIM and apologizing and trying to smooth everything out... but I hadn't done anything wrong! its was so sick, sick sick!!!! This time the silent treatment has gone on for 5 months.. He must have thought I was going to try and make everything OK like all the other times, but this time there was just SILENCE on my end.. Do you think it shocked him? That's the thing. Like you said, Cynthia, one day we wake up and we say ENOUGH. Our No Contact------the silent treatment that will hopefully last forever.
Aug 7 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you too huh

I would start to get very anxious and a panic feeling, and also feel physically ill. I felt like I HAD to talk to him. He made me want to undo what I had said. yes yes yes experienced the same thing, then I would think why did I say that, oh I should have known better, I upset him. What kind of thinking is this on our part to actually be afraid to express our feelings? I would panic, and call and call and call, and he would never answer and I would think, oh I have done it now, I am garbage on the curb. Now though I take a deep breath, collect my thoughts and come back to reality its getting better
Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
misshymers
misshymers's picture

SAME!

Nov 6 - 6AM (Reply to #20)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

WOW

Nov 6 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Neverlookback

Nov 7 - 3AM (Reply to #22)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

its proof

Aug 7 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
baddream
baddream's picture

the calls..

Thinking about those calls--all the times I would call and call after one of my "misdemeanors" and he would not answer or call back. Oh, how horrible that made me feel. I could not eat, could not sleep, could not work or even function until I would hear from him. Looking back, I was very sick. So much better now and happy that is in my past because I have kept silent and maintained my No Contact contract with myself. I may be lonely and sometimes despair, but have reached the point where I do not have any more panic attacks and do not feel that horrible creepy-crawly sickness inside that came from his psychological abuse and the resulting loss of self.
Nov 5 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
done as dinner
done as dinner's picture

baddream, I could have written this, too.

Nov 5 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
Janie53
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Done as dinner

Nov 5 - 7PM (Reply to #18)
done as dinner
done as dinner's picture

Thanks Janie,

Aug 7 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

do you know

how many times i APOLOGIZED to that sick bastard for nothing I did wrong, after I hung up I would think what the hell did I say I was sorry for? For loving him? For wanting to see him? and I am sorry for that? One of the most degrading things he ever did to me was to leave me in a hotel room after a romp I will call it, (eww this is when I thought he was my true love PUKE) I remember getting up and saying ok where do you want to eat breakfast, and he said, oh I dont have time I have to get going and I replied but I thought we were gong to spend the day together, oh no baby I have so much to do bla bla so tears just started running down my face and he said, are you crying, and he said geez dont cry I have so much to do I sat there on the bed crying in a flood of tears as he walked out the door I watched him from the window get in his truck he NEVER LOOKED BACK and quickly drove off I often think of that day and thought here I was a human being that wasnt even worthy of someone spending a day with me.I have many many friends who love me, friends who would drop everything in a second to spend time with me, I am admired by many who love to be in my company yet here is a man who couldnt wait to get AWAY FROM ME, rather than enjoy my company. From that day I knew my true value, it took a psychopath narcissist to make me realize my self worth. I looked out the window crying and thought, it is YOU that is missing out on being with someone very special, it is YOU that is not worthy of one SECOND of my presence i also realized at this time I was dealing with someone that must be very disordered in some way.
Nov 7 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
newbegginings
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Cynthia/Neverlookback