Snowboardgirl's Story

Trapped in a living hell

Hi there,
I don't really know where to start. I've spent another day in my dressing gown barely able to function and feeling unwanted, confused, blindsided, angry, and resentful amongst others. Today my n husband is giving me the silent treatment for daring to call him out again.
Where did my story start? I was in my thirties, confident, an ex model, well travelled and educated and finally at peace with being single and enjoying it. I was snowboarding overseas when my now husband made contact through Facebook. I knew of him from years previous at school. We started emailing regularly and when I returned to the uk we started dating. I have never experienced anything like it. I didn't find him particularly attractive or my type at first but he swept me off my feet. He was unassuming, deep, sensitive, loved animals and much of the same things as me! We were engaged in 6 months and married a year later and after years of hardship in life I pinched myself, I've never known such happiness and couldn't believe I was this lucky, everyone loved him. Now I look at our wedding pictures and my stupid smile makes me feel sick. He completely put me on a pedestal, I was of course the only person he could ever be himself with, his exes were all crazy etc etc. stupid me....no red flags, just enjoyed this adoration and the feeling that at last my life was going right.....this was just 2 years ago. In August of last year he went to work overseas for 2 years with a 6 figure package, luxury apartment in dubai etc. we knew it would be hard but I trusted him. I was supposed to go out every 6 weeks. I had to stay in the uk to look after his two dogs as they couldn't be re-homed. 4 days after he left the male dog attacked me and put me in hospital for 5 days and I almost lost my hand. He didn't come back but I knew he'd just started a new job. I was then incapacitated for a month but had to manage alone still with the two dogs because I love animals too much and couldn't see him put to sleep. A month later he came home for a visit and was very different with me, cold, argumentative, just a different person. He explained this as stress etc. he came home at Xmas and was foul, just argued all the time, looked disgusted during sex and even batted my wedding dress out of the way in he attic again looking disgusted but denied all of this. I felt physically sick but couldn't imagine that after just a year of marriage he was cheating or anything. The next couple of months were horrible, cold, not much communication when he suddenly flew me to dubai in feb, he had to go out for a bit and I searched the apartment with my heart beating out of my chest hoping to find nothing.......Under the sofa i found a picture ofa much younger blonde woman that had been in a frame, a receipt for a diamond ring and his passport with three stamps to the Ukraine in it! I was destroyed. When he got back I went crazy and he made all kinds of excuses before telling me she was an escort he'd hired one night for reasons he couldn't explain! Despite the evidence he denied a relationship with her! Over the next week the story kept changing but ended in him saying she was blackmailing him for the ring, money, papers etc! He also had a second mobile phone and I found per escort names and numbers written down that he claims we're also her. He also said she told him he was ' yum yum' how pathetic is that.....was that all it took? He still refuses to talk about this and denies a relationship but it seems obvious to me. Anyway after I found out he begged and begged me to stay and said all the right things, he would give up job, I was all that mattered etc etc etc, he never kept one promise. A month after I found out and hadn't got over it he said I was battering him with it and cut me off for a month, since then I've seen him for three weeks this year, he never calls or skypes and only texs me which it feels is just to keep me being his house and dog sitter! I can't leave the dogs as I care too much but also can't take hem with me anywhere so I'm trapped. My father died unexpectedly in may at just 60, he didn't come home at all and support me! He doesn't address any of this behaviour and I am bullied into keeping quiet. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I lost 10kg from all the stress and he told me its because I'm weak! He told me he doesn't feel romantic about me but it doesn't mean he won't ever! When I've mentioned divorce he says he doesn't want it but I am here trapped in the uk whilst he ges on with his life and treas me like dirt. Ia few months ago I found out he had been having cyber sex online two months after we married! I still can't believe is is my life!,, this man that appeared to worship me is making every day of my life a living hell, I'm on medication, I have nightmares every night and it consumes my oughts every minute of every day replaying things he has said and done and trying to make sense of it. He has said and done so many awful things. I've also found out that before he went he left huge debts, but despite now earning a huge salary I know nothing about where the money is going and he sends mea pittance. Sorry to ramble, so much stuff is in my head. We are supposed to have seen each other for the last 6 weeks but he never commits and keeps delaying. He has done this repeatedly. Work always comes first and he has had a promotion. He said 'at least some good has come out of bad- I'm excelling at work'! It's just sick. Wednesday was our 2nd anniversary and I thought I would be going to dubai but the night before he informs me he's on business in south Africa for 10 days and then he forgot our anniversary! He apologised for this and I sent a text saying 'I guess it's easy to forget things that don't matter to you' that was 2 days ago....I'm now being ignored and I stupidly gave in and texted again this morning... No response. Since he left h has no contact with his parents or brother and doesn't see his 15 year old daughter from previous marriage. It's all so messed up but one year on I can't believe the fairy tale became this and this is my life. It's been a year and nothing is getting better and I can't leave because of the dogs. He sometimes said I was too good for him and I never noticed him at school, he said he had wanted me for 20 years. People have said it seems he wanted to possess everything I was and had and destroy it and it feels like he has. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed and it just feels like life holds nothing anymore. I can't believe I still have any feelings but I know I do because I cling to every text but equally I have never hated so strongly in my life and I want him to see what he has done. I also want revenge and I've never been vengeful, it's eating me alive and I feel so lost. There have been days where I don't want to live, and whilst I could never kill myself it's because I just sometimes feel like I can't keep going through this pain and mental torture. I wish someone could flip a switch and I could sleep for a month and then wake up with all this gone away. How can any human being be this cold, remorseless, calculating and selfish.