Something i should have seen as a big red flag

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#1 Jan 18 - 3AM

Black Pearl

Something i should have seen as a big red flag

Now that i'm out of the relationship with my ex N and my head becomes more clear and there are so many things that come to my attention that i just minimized and were in fact big red flags that should have banged me in the head.... but i didn't see them until now.

One that always kind of bugged me and creeped me out at the same time was when i would finish taking a shower and come into the next room where my ex N was only to find out that he had been timing me.... he would tell me how long i was then ask me what i was doing in there..... my answer would always be "Ahhh having a shower".... I mean what the hell do you think i was doing... bloody idiot.

I brushed it off as he wanted to spend more time with me..... but now i see it as a bloody control freak.

I sometimes wonder how i could have let some of these red flags slip on past?

#2 Jan 29 - 5AM

kartaga

after our first sex, he asked

after our first sex, he asked me could he call me pam. (my name is not pam.)

#3 Jan 20 - 4PM

Lookonthesunnyside

Ugh I know..there are so many

Ugh I know..there are so many things that I forgave/ignored. My ex once told me he wouldnt date me if I didnt have a nice ass. Saying he keeps care of himself so he deserves the same. Then when I was shocked he said that "maybe" he would still date me if I didnt have a nice ass. Like wtf! Who says that. You're not god's gift. And so many other things... I noticed towards the end that he would take his phone into the bathroom. I also thought a couple times that maybe he had just been pretending to have a shower. Sooo many things happened that I repressed and remembered after, other things I didnt even clue in to until after the break up. Its a really shitty feeling but at least affirms why you're not with them anymore. Remember it has verything to do with them and nothing to do with you. xo

#4 Jan 20 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

Black Pearl

Yes so many things we ignore

Its like a light bulb moment..... when your out of the relationship all the odd things come to surface all the things we pushed aside. " My ex once told me he wouldnt date me if I didnt have a nice ass. Saying he keeps care of himself so he deserves the same. Then when I was shocked he said that "maybe" he would still date me if I didnt have a nice ass. Like wtf! Who says that. You're not god's gift."........... all sounds too familiar, but that is why this site is so great because we can relate story's with each other and truly know that we are not the ones going crazy which i really started to feel..... mine would tell me he wouldn't date girls over weight, or girls who had a gut....... i would be like ummm why are you telling me this?...... he too would say he needs to be with a girl that takes care of herself..... but he would go on about the gut thing i felt like he was trying to hint me..... ass hole! i call him that now because i was and am perfectly healthy the way i am but he made me feel otherwise, i am size small size 4-6 in the USA, I do part time modeling and have always had good self esteem until i met my ex N he is the only person in the world that has ever made me feel so low about myself...... i knew there was something wrong when i started to feel my joy slipping my self confidence getting lower and lower and my self esteem getting thinner and thinner by the day...... he worked hard at it and he won but not fully because he got too cocky with his head messing driving me to the point of suicide...... and that my friend was my saving smack in the head that i needed..... it was then and only then i saw him for the monster that he was...... it was hard to grasp but with time, knowledge and support from my friends, family, and this site i know i have made the right decision to get as far away from the narcissist as i can. I definitely agree with you- "Sooo many things happened that I repressed and remembered after, other things I didnt even clue in to until after the break up." But whats great about it is that we see it...... we are out and we see it and for that i am so very thankful because living a life like that is not a life i want to live, no one deserves to be controlled, manipulated or taken advantage of. Take care and thank you for your support :)

#5 Jan 20 - 4PM

Lookonthesunnyside

Ugh I know..there are so many

#6 Jan 20 - 12PM

Mine keeps track of my shower

Mine keeps track of my shower time too sometimes (unless he's in a really good mood). It's definitely about control and nothing else. He barged into the bathroom and asked what I was doing wasting all that water. I was taking a shower and nearly cut myself shaving when he violently stormed into the bathroom yelling at me as if I had done something terrible to him. This is the same man who let a leak in the outdoor hose go on for 2 months during the summer even though I gave him a list of repairmen to call about it and kept reminding him to schedule it. The water bill skyrocketed during those two months. He would get mad at me when I'd remind him to schedule a repair immediately! It got so out of hand. Even the neighbors asked why there was water in the back alley. It was like he refused to acknowledge it. Almost like he wanted to have a to-do list. He was always Doing doing doing making lists doing doing doing putting *important* things on the back burner yet doing doing doing. WEIRD.

#7 Jan 20 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

Black Pearl

Your's too

I wondered if there would be anyone else that this has happened to and i guess you've answered my question. Its only now that we look at it..... i always felt odd about it but now it really comes to surface. You poor thing barging in the bathroom is never nice, are you still with your N? yes he definitely couldn't have been worried about the water if he let it slip on the outside hose for two months. Mine started to hint having a shower together...... as the reason i always insisted he have a shower first... because i didn't quite feel comfortable having a shower together... i look at it now like he wanted to be with me everywhere to watch my every move, because the only place i was without him was the bathroom either going to the toilet or having a shower..... so go figure he wanted to be right there with me..... control definitely.

#8 Jan 20 - 12PM (Reply to #20)

agnesmurphy17

water bill

yeah, mine kept track of water usage as well. where we live, the meter for the house is available on line. one can track one's water usage daily. it's in part control & cheap. mine was also allegedly concerned anout wasting natural resources. he had a few politically correct interests -- such as being concerned about the environment.

#9 Jan 19 - 11AM

helldweller

the shower

I think Goldie is right about most of this, that it's projection because they do all sorts of illicit things in the bathroom, from jerking off to taking pictures of themselves and texting the OW. Whenever the narc would plan on staying overnight at my house, he would insist on going out to dinner or drinks before. He never wanted to have dinner at my house. Even if it was horrible weather, we had to go out. I realized after a couple of years that this was because he had to go to the bathroom before we came home and make his round of good night calls. The first time I realized there was something odd going on in the bathroom was when we went to my best friend's wedding out of town and he took his phone into the shower with him in the morning. The night before, he went down to the lobby to smoke before bed and didn't want me to come with him. We always smoked together. He absolutely insisted that I not come, that he didn't want me to smoke, that I shouldn't smoke,etc etc etc. Then, the next morning, when he took the phone into the shower with him, I realized "Duh, Helldweller." Of course.

#10 Jan 18 - 2PM

I_am_free

Goldie is so right! It makes

Goldie is so right! It makes perfect sense....when you are still with them, everything seems confusing..yet you have this nagging feeling that something is not right but you are so blinded by love and wishful thinking that maybe you are just being paranoid Only after not being with them, all the pieces of the puzzle come together and u sort of click and many 'aha'moments...I find to this day something would pop up and I'll be like 'omg that rat!!! how could i have bn so blind!' wish i had a big hammer so everytime i had my AHA moment I could take the giant hammer and it would smack on the N's ugly head

#11 Jan 18 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Run4it

Yes

just like that game where you hit the gopher on the head when it pops up. I would love that!

#12 Jan 18 - 2PM (Reply to #16)

I_am_free

Yes yes I can picture

Yes yes I can picture that..and it definately should make a quack sound everytime we hit them on the head... My N would quack till the end of eternity

#13 Jan 19 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

NarcJunkie

OMG, that would be GREAT!

Can someone please develop an online Narc Game? Anybody know a programmer who has been narced? That would be such an awesome venting tool!! ;)

#14 Jan 18 - 11AM

Goldie

My guess would be that he was thinking about what he would do in

the shower. Many men jerk off in the shower and this bothers some women because many narcs will refuse to have sex with their mates and then they will go into the shower and jerk off and the women may feel upset because he prefers this to being with them. He may have received comments regarding this in the past so he was projecting on to you that maybe you were doing something of this nature as well. ALSO many many narcs text OW in the bathroom. They turn the water on so it sounds like they have begun their shower and are in fact texting OW and unless you went in and checked, you would never know. Clever little bugger eh??? I realized many things that were confusing to me AFTER the narc left my house for good. My mind began to clear up and the lightbulb moments were frequent for a few months after he left. When he was there I felt those uneasy feelings most of the time and after he left all the pieces to the puzzle began to fit together for me, which was GREAT because once you fully grasp who they are the desire to stay away from them and out of the relationship generally becomes stronger every day. God bless, Goldie

#15 Jan 20 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Black Pearl

Thank you Goldie

That is pretty sick, interesting to know something i haven't heard of and i most definitely wasn't doing what he thinks/projecting i was doing.... yuck! I never saw him take his phone into the bathroom. I believe it was a control thing, or either he though i was texting someone and projecting that on me, he was so paranoid.... like extremely paranoid, where he would think that i had someone else, he confronted me about it so i let him check my facebook account and private messages which came up with nothing because i would never ever in my life cheat on someone. I was currently living abroad at the time and my form of contact home was via facebook so i would go on everyday to let them know i was safe and also to keep up to date with on my family and friends he would see me righting a message and try to stand behind me and read it!..... i obviously told him to stop and one time he saw me righting XOXOXOXOXOXOOX at the end of my message and hit the roof asking who im righting to........I told him my mum like i do every day. Whenever i got a text he would ask me who it was.... i was like far out! Any way its things like that, that i now see in the clear being out of the relationship things i pushed aside that were in fact signs and it was only getting worse..... i have never had a problem with self confidence but being with the man i loved i soon started to feel bad about myself with all his head messing.... i am just grateful that i am out and can regain my self worth back. Thank you for your comment it have been very helpful.... as always :)

#16 Jan 18 - 10AM

Run4it

Red flags waving

I have always said that once you know the truth, you cannot turn away from it. The problem with the "red flags" is that we are normal, caring, loving people (for the most part :)) and don't expect a man or woman to be devious, evil or disordered. Until you experience the personality disordered first-hand, you do not know the "truth". I hate that we have to know the truth, but we do Black Pearl and now can learn the tools to protect ourselves in the future. I am several months into this and still find myself remembering events that were red flags. It is part of the healing process. I write them down to remind me of the insanity of it all - HIS insanity, not mine. You were just a woman trying to love.

#17 Jan 20 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Black Pearl

So True

Thank you Run4it, yes you hit it on the head, i had no idea how much nastiness was out there i had never come in contact with someone of this nature before. I have lived and i have learned and will always protect myself and never fall into the trap again. "I am several months into this and still find myself remembering events that were red flags. It is part of the healing process. I write them down to remind me of the insanity of it all - HIS insanity, not mine. You were just a woman trying to love'..............Thank you i will definitely take this with me.

#18 Jan 18 - 8AM

onwithmylife

black pearl

he did not have a shower issue as i am naturally quick, but he would bitch me out if i did not pick up every last strand of hair in the bathtub and it was not like tlots, and i did the best i could and then when i dried my hair in the bedroom next to the bathroom, we were sleeping in another bedroom, he got up from the bed and bitched me out for drying my hair in the bedroom. He use to complain to me ,nasty like, when I shut a light off in one room and put it on in another room, NUTSO RIGHT?! Just kept on trying to be" good enough: for the emotionally stunted moron..............ANY reason for the deranged man to take his anger issues out on ME, never again...........

#19 Jan 19 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

under his thumb

onwithmylife

reading this brings back so many bad memories and makes me again so grateful to be done with all that mess (almost). he had soo many complaints about EVERYTHING i did. hair in the shower, had to close the door before turning the light on, blow dry hair in the other bathroom. this was all so "precious" could sleep in. and if he had to get up early, there was no way in the world i had the same respect! "Just kept on trying to be" good enough: for the emotionally stunted moron." this is exactly the way i lived for way too many years...trying to be the "good wife"!! over it...would much rather be alone then have to live in fear of the next critisism or outburst if he felt the need.

#20 Jan 20 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

onwithmylife

underhisthumb,please read

Yeah, i only lived with him for a year in the 15 years but spent all my days off from work at his place. i was his "emotional punching bag", where he would take all his rage and anger out on me, my guess it was his mommy issues from a little toddler, what normal man would treat a woman like that, NONE, it is of comfort to know we are NOT alone in what we went through..........it is like they were raising the bar on INSANITY, make sense and we as mice in a cage keep trying to do all they ask.. total double standards from the man................

#21 Jan 18 - 6AM

Sparrow

We ignore them, because we

We ignore them, because we want to. We find ourselves making excuses for them, accepting them with all their shortcomings, for the bigger picture. Glad you see them now, that's whats important!

#22 Jan 18 - 6AM

Isis

Red flags are everywhere

They are everywhere but we tend to minimize them making us believe it's us who are seeing way too much. But then when we look back, we can remember the strange reactions. Mine would never answer my calls on his cell phone - he was way too important to get my calls, but he'd get the mistresses calls - but if I didn't answer when he called, then he would brag about it.

#23 Jan 18 - 3AM

Snowflake

Yuk

Thats sick isnt it, makes you shiver I bet to think of it now! Use the red flag memories to be thankful you are out of his grasp. I think the trouble is the emotions cover up the red flags, we so want to believe.

#24 Jan 19 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Snowflake

Red flags

I think part of my NC process things just keep popping into my head..he talked about being away when he was younger and having a comp with mate to see how many women they could sleep with..they had to pinch the knickers and hang them on a line on the balcony, one girl was really upset that she lost them but no way was he giving them back... I should have seen it, the way he retold the story and laughed, I mean I know it was when younger but it was the way it was repeated..you know. Not saying I am perfect but some things I look back at I feel horrified and certainly wouldnt want to tell with mild amusement and bragging..does that make sense?

#25 Jan 19 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Used

IT makes sense to me... My

IT makes sense to me... My exnh told me a story fairly like that....but 100, times worse, we had only been together a couple of months... I screamed at him to shut up and stop telling me... I married him 4mnths later.....putting all he had said to the back of my mind, convincing my self he was making it up.... I still think of that story, all these years later... cos even if he was making it up, why would anyone want to make things like that up...... when I met exn, he told me something about himself, cos he wanted to be honest and trusted me..... I should have run like the wind...BUT AGAIN I DIDNT.... THERE WON'T BE A THIRD TIME....

#26 Jan 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Redhead

phone

Mine started taking his cell phone to the bathroom too. I turned a blind eye for soooo long.

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