The Story of an Encounter with a Narcissist

Herein follows my painful encounter with a narcissist. May it help you in your own path towards healing and wholeness.

My Story.....

Characters:
Narcissist- A male in his early 30s. Extremely intelligent, handsome and tall with great communication skills.
Victim- A female in her late 20s. Intelligent, kind and compassionate.

Setting:
The relationship with my narcissist began last year in 2010. I met him, believe or not, online through a game out of all places. I was out to have fun, so with the privacy of the web and with anonymity, I left my guard down.

Plot:
After work or school, I would play an online game, usually a multiplayer game as I enjoy the socializing aspect of it, for an hour because it was fun, and I do not normally watch TV. The game and the group that I was a part of in the game required the players to be on Vent or Teamspeak (voiceover programs) where individuals could speak/chat with each other over the internet in real time (audio/text).

During this point in my life, I was confident and set on accomplishing my goal of finishing college and traveling. I was not interested in having any intimate relationship with guys because I felt it distracted me from accomplishing my goals. Also, I wanted to keep my focus on doing well academically in school. Guys would have to come later after I accomplished a few of my goals.
Narcissists have a tremendous ability to identify and zone in a prey who they can target. I am a naturally caring and authentic person, perhaps naïve to a point. So, I spoke with him, listened to his stories, and offered tips on how he can get through the issue that he was working on at the moment. I believed him and did not think twice about the validity of his personal history that he shared with me. I didn’t have a reason to doubt him.
To my mind, the story made sense. Yet, something did not feel right with him. A short tense feeling of uneasiness that all is not well. I have never felt this feeling before, and pushed it aside to the back of my mind.
So what did I do, I self-medicated myself with gaming. Yes, gaming. Scientists have determined through MRI imaging that gaming stimulates the same centers of the brain that an addiction to drugs to, and they release the same hormones as well. My 1 hour of playing games increased to 4 hrs and from 4 hrs to 12 hrs straight per day. Day after day. Initially, my real life friends called me and asked how I was doing, but I didn’t return their calls and soon they moved on with their lives. I was so engrossed with the narcissist and our encounters moved from in game to Skype and cell phone conversations. I skipped meals to play the game and all the while the narcissist was wrapping me under his control. He was able to do all this Virtually folks, this is how dangerous and skilled they are. I stuck by him in game, given unlimited riches and great responsibilities and power that he showered on me. In the real world, all was crumbling. My grades started to drop at school because I didn’t do the homework and missed classes, I was at the computer desk all day and so I gained weight even when I ate less meals. I started to lose myself in this world and with him. Even more gently, he became my source of stability and control while in my real life everything was going out of control. I was sick. I was seeking help from the person who was making me more sick.

As real life friends and family peeled away from me, despair and darkness sank into my world. I felt drained, tired, and all used up. Everything that I did for him, he soaked right up and was never appreciative. I was barely able to keep my head above water.

What caused me to feel this way?

I didn’t see the change in me. Yet, all along, there was this gut feeling that things were not right with this situation.

It was the mixed information that he was intentionally sending me. My mind did not know how to process the information, and I experienced cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is when you have 2 opposing thoughts and your brain is not sure which one is right. This creates a stress, anxiety, and worry.

I began to feel uncertain of my thoughts. He would say something sweet and then tear me down for the slightest offense. An offense which I felt was not even offensive to begin with. My feet began to bleed from all the egg shells I was walking on, and my heart and mind went numb

Conflict:

Red Flag #1: The first story he fed me was that he was depressed from his last relationship. His girlfriend, who was a trophy girl left him. He informed me that it was all her fault. (I knew it there always two sides to every story.)

His mental manipulation: He stated, “But I loved her so much, and I forgive her for everything. She cheated on me, but I was trying to protect her from bad people.”

Red Flag #2: He was a sex addict, and sought in his real life power, fame, and riches. His values were completely different from mine. However, his ambition and alpha bad boy confidence was irresistible.

His mental manipulation: As I grew to understand him, I began to see him as a very insecure young adolescent. He initially presented this false mask to draw me in. When he did not get things his way, he would go into a rage.

Red Flag # 3: He was controlling, limiting who I could speak with in the game. Can you believe that? I couldn’t but I ignored the gut feeling.

Red Flag # 4: He was a mean person in game. Because he was the leader of a certain group ingame, he held a lot of sway. He would verbally abuse players who played the game for fun. He would kill/shoot them ingame if they did not do what he wanted. He relished when people hated him.

Red Flag # 5: He lied all the time. For example, if I asked him any question asking for a numerical answer and he would always boost the numbers to make him look good. I caught him quite a few times lying.

Red Flag # 6: He had an ability to detach himself from a significant relationship to deny them attention if he felt he was wronged. And those who wronged him were to receive retribution. He blamed everyone else for all his problems.
There were many more red flags that I noticed, but I didn’t listen to them.

Plot Ending:

When I was at my lowest with no sense of self worth left and no energy, he went for the kill and tried to persuade me to engage with him in cybersex. I was like a zombie then. Yet, in this moment of near death and tormenting despair with no escape, a small quiet calmness could be felt. It was the truth. It gave me strength and said to me I deserve better. That I was worthy.

I said, “NO!” to the Narcissist.

I began to understand that my needs, my sense of self is more important than his act to control and use me. My want to be happy, to be loved in a respectful and empowering way was more important than trying to please an endless dark pit that he had become. Finally, I began to connect the dots and began to notice that my health in all areas was degrading and fast.

I quit gaming with the help of some online resources. I went no contact with him, and love myself too much and my future to have anything to do with him. He’s toxic. School is going great, and I will finish soon. Loving myself more, relying on myself to provide me with a sense of love and security gave me the power to overcome this challenge.

Learning Lessons:

-Don’t ever give your power away. It is not a burden but a gift to bring more happiness to your life. Be responsible for your own happiness. As I read somewhere online, “Healing or helping a [narcissist] is a waste of your life. That’s not your mission. You have your own goals and your own life, and those are your responsibility.”

-Be gentle and kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, but learn from them. More forward on the path to healing because you deserve it! You deserve to be happy!

-Listen to your gut instincts, they are there to guide you.

-Ask for help from supportive family and friends.

-You will survive and thrive without the narcissistic. The only one holding you back is you. Face your fear and make choices that will help you to grow positively. Change for the better can happen right away, all it takes is the belief that it can happen.

-You cannot change them.

- Just know that you have the responsibility to your life, your happiness, and your sacred purpose here. “Allowing” yourself to be controlled by him can no longer be used as an excuse. Before he can control you, you have to give him the power first. Take that back and use that power on you. Trust me, it feels great and empowering.

-In the end, this is your life and you have the final power on how it is lived.

Resources:

*For people you know who that has online gaming problems that is affecting their real lives, they can visit: http://www.olganon.org/

*Great article on dating losers and staying away from them, written by a credentialed doctor in the field of psychology:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.
html

http://mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=artic...

I realized that the way I viewed life and myself was just a great as a contributing factor if not more than the narcissistic on how I became sick and healed. I realized I have co-dependent issues and the book written literally has given me a new perspective on life and myself.

Book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattle.

I was lucky that I didn’t meet this guy in real life. He would have done so much more damage, and it would have been harder for me to leave. For those who are in a relationship with a narcissist, thank you for listening to my story, a story that we all have read written over and over again on this forum. I am rewriting my story to one that will include my right and needs to happiness and my right to be treated with respect and true love. I hope you will join me and choose to rewrite your story too.

Thank you Lisa E. Scott. U’ve changed my life!