Support please....

40 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 4 - 9PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Support please....

Well, I decided two days ago to end my relationship with N. He tried to start a new business relationship with me, we met, it was a great meeting and then I pulled the plug (it was awkward) ... I just couldn't face the potential heartbreak again. So I wrote him this note. I feel better in that I feel like I am regaining my dignity; that I won't put up with Mr. Hyde. But feel sad due to the profound loss of what I thought was the closest person in my life for 20 years. Someone I could always count on to talk about whatever was bothering me, and who was actually the closet supporter when my dad was dying a few months ago. And he did support in deeds and words - taking over my job for three weeks within an hour of me calling him, and texting/calling me tons of times while i was in the hospital.

He emailed me twice right after I sent this...but im so afraid to open the emails, because I know they will be filled with hatred and rejection.

So please remind me why this was the right thing to do?? Was I wrong in thinking he is an N and is he really someone I should have tried to maintain a relationship with?

___________

N:

Today, I was just thinking about our very first conversation about this job - where I was uncomfortable with the idea....because to me - you as a person was way, way more important than you as a coworker. And I didn't want one to exclude the other. So we decided that if it got uncomfortable we should split ways quickly.... It seems we waited a bit too late, huh? This is probably the most heartbreaking thing that has happened in my life; and you know I've had my share of heartbreak, especially in the last three years. Someone who matters so much does not come around many times in a lifetime; once you find someone like that, it is best to hold on.

Well, time does heal all wounds.... I feel mostly healed, but am not ready to reopen it if there is a high probability of it happening again. I just felt like I was going to continue to want something that was never going to happen and didn't need anymore heartbreak in my life. Sorry for the abrupt halt to our new project; I hope you can understand that.

Please keep me posted on your surgery... I still like to make sure you are ok..

-LOML

PS - I wanted to talk to you about this in person, but I understand your viewpoint on that...email always runs the risk of misinterpretation - which I think has happened to us a lot. Because of your importance in my life, you have on open invite if you change your mind.

Jul 6 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Loveofmylife

You are so right on. Do not allow him to cause you to question yourself. That is exactly what he is trying to do in this e-mail. Ignore him! You should be so proud of yourself right now and have much reason to celebrate. I'm so glad you're not going into business with him! Phew!
Jul 5 - 7PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

violate his boundaries, my A#&

"violate his boundaries???" see, that is the mind fu&K part of the program. I have followed your entire story and there is nothing that I can see where you have possibly done anything that anyone could say "violated boundaries." His statement is just designed to make you feel bad and off balance b/c that is what Narcs do to feel powerful. You could make yourself insane trying to understand his way of acting in Human terms - you can't! - they are not like us!!!! I think his true colors are going to come shining through when ALL work possibilities are cut off. Then, you will likely see the cold, calculating Cyborg that he is.
Jul 5 - 8PM (Reply to #38)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Assassination

Yes, I listened to him assassinate his xwife up to 15 years after they divorced. She "mysteriously" just left him with the kids (including a newborn) for 6 years. It was an incredibly bizarre and unbelievable story. Someone else just posted that today - the red flags of these bizarre stories. I believed, just like person who posted today, that his wife must have been unstable (like he explained) and viscous in that she could leave her kids and that N just needed lots of love and understanding. He only started acting like he and his xwife were great friends after things started looking more serious for the two of us moving into a relationship together... (he had to look like a good guy in that he was making amends and therefore he would also treat me well) I'm sure that I'm next on the assassination list. I've already seen some of what he is capable of lying about related to me. But his big, big problem is that only his new victims will believe him. We have about an 80% overlap in the people we know and (sorry about being bold), but my reputation is impeccable and I'm highly respected and trusted by all the people who know both of us. So a smear campaign against people who know me would only backfire because people do believe I'm one of the most trustworthy and stable persons they know. I think that is why he will run to contact these people first (as he is doing tomorrow with the bankers) to make sure they hear from his mouth first that we aren't working together anymore. I think N is mostly petrified about me smearing him. And that is probably the main reason he keeps trying to smooth me over. Because he knows my referrals of him are invaluable and that I could cause tons of damage letting the people we know in common of his verbal abuse.
Jul 5 - 7PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

you see it, right

I think you can see it now (that is why you are on this board, right?), you can see how after 20 YEARS, how strange his email is, I mean, you reach out, say something true and real, and he has nothing real in response? Honestly, his email could have been generated by some Narcspeak computer program - where he types in "please computer, generate email devoid of true emotion but alluding to something a teeny tiny bit real that she may think i may be withholding from saying so that it all remains just a tad confusing and mind0fu%kish." The thing is, there is in fact no THERE there inside him. All he is is really just a machine spitting out human-like crap on the off chance you have more work for him in the future. On the bright side! you have a company, you are successful (you aren't like my ivy league educated friend who ended up a druggie and almost a suicide statistic from coping with living with a Narc for many years). Let the healing process begin for you!
Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #32)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

narcspeak computer program!!

"his email could have been generated by some Narcspeak computer program" omg this made me laugh out loud. That it too, too funny! Thanks for the laugh. So please, can I get some objective feedback, to all of you who thoughtfully posted. Pls be honest, objective. Did I do something wrong, did I violate boundaries? Or is it what I think that he is mad at me because I said "i'm not sure about this, and maybe no" and so he sees that once again, I stopped him from doing something with me that he wanted to do and needs to rage about it. And that my emotions are scaring him? I think he was so excited to do this new project with me, he was all smiles the other day....and maybe he did think that this was his way of fixing things between us, and I questioned him. Looks like Fake GF ended things with him and in a not-pretty-way, so maybe he was fishing with me again and I caught him. Again, I am so thrown off, becuase I've seen how he communicates to others (including OW) and it is always so sweet. Well, in thinking, mine were always so sweet to for 22 years...just the last 9 months have been a nightmare of hot/cold.
Jul 6 - 5AM (Reply to #36)
dysenchanted
dysenchanted's picture

No Boundaries

He has no boundaries to violate. What he means is that you are hinting at setting some for yourself ,at long last,which offends his sense of entitlement.Be warned he will probably take it as a challenge to see just how quickly and how utterly he can devastate your new boundaries. I recommend no contact with him.
Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #33)
Amy
Amy's picture

NO!

You did nothing wrong! I do the same thing, and we all need to stop questioning ourselves! He is manipulating your mind. I know my N's tactic was "the best defense is a strong offense". Seems like all the N's put us on the defensive. Stay strong!
Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"I'm offended"

My ex-P took offense. The first words out of his mouth when I got emotionally intimate, and declared my love for him, were the odd "I'm offended." My friends found his reaction incredibly ABNORMAL. I've been rejected by guys who weren't romantically interested in me... or they'd reject me for someone else... but NONE of them said "I'm offended." I found his reaction incomprehensible. Guys (and humans) tend to be flattered by declarations of love, and they can graciously handle it, even if they're not interested. He could've said "Thank you, I'm not interested, I have a girlfriend in Los Angeles",or "sorry, I'm not interested." I would've been disappointed,but I would've moved on. But no... he gave me endless LECTURES on the wrongness of me being in love with him. He said that my love for him was overthrowing the social order and showed hatred of my college and its mission(???).... It was bizarre.
Jul 6 - 9AM (Reply to #35)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Bizzare?

Dude sounds psychotic.
Jul 5 - 5PM
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

A night at the blackjack table

So you are sitting at a blackjack table - you've been there a long time you are down 20 grand (or 20 years however you want to look at it) You know you should cut your losses and head home. But your down 20 grand - you can't give up now - you remember those nights when you won 100 bucks and think you can do it again - but unfortunately you stay at the table only to lose 20 more. Do you want to be down 40 years???? In the words of Kenny Rodgers - "you got to know when to fold em' know when to walk away and KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!!!"
Jul 5 - 4PM
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

You asked: Was I wrong in

You asked: Was I wrong in thinking he is an N and is he really someone I should have tried to maintain a relationship with? I'll be short and sweet here. You wouldn't be on this board if something wasn't quite right with the relationship and your gut was telling you something. I have friends in good relationships. They aren't here and aren't obessively googling "narcissist". Something is up and you know it. Should you maintain a relationship with him? Hell no. Again, people in good relationships don't ask themselves this question. Believe 100% what your instincts are telling you.
Jul 5 - 4PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

OMG - help again

Just got this from him. I have no idea how I violated his boundaries - other than i decided that we shouldn't work together. OMG. He is the one who took me out to romantic dinners, asked me if I was sleeping with my husband, told me he didn't want to get engaged to someone else, brought women into my business, Help! ________ " I have decided that I do not have enough trust in you to have further conversation that may potentially head into the dissonance funnel. Adherence to boundaries is very important to me, in the workplace and in my personal life. What transpired this week violates my boundary values pretty seriously. As always; I am happy to help in any way with your company. I would prefer to do that via email, or with someone else present or on the phone call."
Jul 6 - 3AM (Reply to #28)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Are you FREAKING kidding me ??

Boo Hoo, poor me !! You violated my boundaries ?!?!?! I do not have enough trust in you ?!?!?! And what the hell is a dissonance funnel anyhow ???? LOML, this guy is nuts !! Sorry to be so brutal, but OMG could he play the victim any better ?? And it seems he is insinuating that you are dangerous or a threat--the part about having someone else present. Just unbelievable how these jerks can turn everything to look like we are the bad people !!
Jul 5 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

This is EXACTLY the sort of

This is EXACTLY the sort of confusing twisted manipulating crap I got from my exN. He's just talking shit and trying to come across as intelligent. This could have been written by him. The thing is you've taken control, and he wants it to now look like he has because he's controlling, all abusers are. He's also leaving you with a little hook at the end, being the helpful ("as always") great guy. Get him out of your life and head. He's fucking with your head and playing the narc mind games. This will get worse if you let it. Don't reply to him anymore you really need to sever this as it's not going to end here from him. You need to end it for your own sanity. Please do yourself the biggest favour and don't have any more to do with him EVER.

Ending the dance

Jul 6 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I Second

"just talking shit and trying to come across as intelligent." Dead on! For 2 1/2 years I tried to wrap my mind around the mindf**k my N laid on me. Mine has a PhD & is a university professor. What he said made no sense to me. By the time I left him, I thought I was both crazy & paranoid. Brainwashed. I was totally brainwashed. Still, I cannot get this JERK out of my head. But, I agree with AnotherPath, I will never ever have anything to do with my ex-N again. Any contact just prolongs the agony. Ending it is relatively easy compared to the de-programing which occurs in NC. Forgetting the abuse & the emotional rape that occurred is even harder than de-programing & NC.
Jul 5 - 3PM
Monica
Monica's picture

loveofmylife....please know my thoughts and prayers are with you

Our situations are so similar and I know exactly what you are going through with this. My heart goes out to you, it really does. What you are up against - the choices you have to make right now - are SO, so difficult. But you and I both know that they never change and we will be forever being hurt and frustrated and upset and we will always give much more than we receive from them. I wish you strength and courage. Mine is going through a major life crisis right now and, yup, came back for my support and help. It is SO hard, loveofmylife. So hard. I hope you have a great therapist. I am so thankful for mine, she is awesome! I see her again on Wednesday and am counting the hours. Please know I know what you are going through and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Jul 5 - 1PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

I opened his emails

The first one: Well - I think it best that I miss this (the celebration dinner that he lied and said he was going to his son's bball game). I agree with parts of what you are saying, and agree that it was an enormous mistake to work together. That will not happen again. Please enjoy the dinner - you deserve the congratulations and the step back to enjoy it. I will see the bankers earlier, and give them my thank you personally. (so very cold. No remorse, no feelings, no I'm sorry what this has done to our relationship, no nothing. I was actually surprised there was no anger) _______________ The 2nd one: Was final bills through September.
Jul 5 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Steph
Steph's picture

"so very cold. No remorse,

"so very cold. No remorse, no feelings" because that is what he is! Please, I know it hurts, but let this be the end of him. He is not worth your time. He does not care. It's time to move forward. xoxo
Jul 5 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Oh dear!! You are such a

Oh dear!! You are such a lovely person ((((hugs)))). I sincerely hope you will take that loveliness and sweetness and bestow it upon someone who deserves it!! Who can really appreciate it!! Yeah I'm with the others. Apologize to HIM??? OMG. But I totally get it. You are extending your precious, sensitive love to a snake. A person who will NOT be touched and warmed by it. Just fed. And satisfied a door will be left open for further feeding. Shut the door hon :( . Give your love and sweetness to a person who will cherish it, not ravage you further for it.
Jul 5 - 12PM
better off
better off's picture

OMG!!! That is what you

OMG!!! That is what you sent him??? Are you out of your mind? WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO HIM? Why are you "UNDERSTANDING HIS VIEWPOINT" on anything????? That entire letter is not a goodbye; that is a plea for him to declare something for you. In fact there IS NO goodbye in it all. You are still operating on the premise that you SHARE something with him, and you are still waiting for him to "see it" or something. And you didn't have a "new project," certainly not an "our new project." You were doing him a favor, at his behest. Holy shit, loml, for you to END it with "Because of your importance in my life, you have on open invite if you change your mind" is like saying "you have an open invite to come shit on me some more." And he does!!! STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!
Jul 5 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I agree with "better off"

That said. Please, please, please . . . end this. Already you have WASTED 20 years of your life on this man. The grieving & recovery will be vast. So, just start NOW. Move on. Change your e-mail accounts. No contact. None of this "business" contact excuse. Have somebody else take care of the business part. That's what he suggests as well. Third party present to protect him. Well, protect yourself as well. Oh, the "boundries" e-mail? What a 'mindf**k.' Mine pulled that crap as well. Unbelievable "projections." Leave him alone. Move on. This one is going to assassinate your character. No more nicey, nice e-mails to him. The minute you are really gone & not useful, he's going to seek to destroy you. You have been very important . . . perhaps the longest relationship of his life. You have fulfilled a necessary function. What you fulfilled we cannot understand because he is so twisted. But, he's gonna be enraged that you are not playing his game anymore. I don't think he's accepted this quite yet. He'll be back & I am sure he thinks that you will be back under his control as well. Be very careful.
Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

agnes -

yes, enraged is a weird reaction when someone else is hurt. I would expect a normal human to realize that his coming back and pursuing me again was confusing to say the least and expect to have a discussion about it. But he thinks he can just come right back in after many, serious DDs and pretend like nothing happened. And expect me to NOT TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS ABOUT IT! How dare, I, question his motives at all and how dare I want to talk about moving forward before we just blindly move forward!!!!? For me to have any doubt at all, and INTERJECT MY PERSONAL FEELINGS INTO IT IS "CROSSING HIS BOUNDARIES!!!!" OMG RUN FOR THE HILLS, THIS GIRL IS DANGEROUS!!!! I NEED BODY GUARDS TO ENSURE SHE DOESN'T DO SOMETHING TO ME, LIKE TALK AND ASK ME WHAT MY MOTIVES ARE!!!!!!!!
Jul 6 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Enraged

They become enraged because you are a mirror reflecting him back to himself. He does not see you. He only sees himself. In discussing YOUR unhappiness with HIM -- the reflection of himself is less than perfect. And, he becomes ENRAGED because you are not fulfilling your function of reflecting back to him what a perfect man he is. It's ALL ABOUT HIM. One can understand this intellectually. But, once one understands this emotionally, then NC is natural & easy. Why bother trying to communicate with an emotional void? An abyss. Why communicate with an emotional & financial vampire?
Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's a weird reaction

My ex-Psychopath professor was the same way. He'd reduce me to tears, I'd be crying, and I'd be the one apologizing. It makes no sense. He'd be raging-I'd be in tears, saying "I'm sorry"--and he got even more enraged. He saw my personal feelings as my fault, and if I thought the way he commanded me, my feelings magically wouldn't be hurt. He'd be "if you thought about me in such-and-such a way, you wouldn't be suffering" and he'd blandly say "I can tell you're struggling." But did he comfort me when I was struggling? No way. Any compassion? Not at all. I think he got off on me crying&hurt. So, in the end, I told him that he had been hurting my feelings ON PURPOSE. I told him what his motives were. I didn't want/need to ask him. I was merely his student, and he had his power play. I feel bad for his students, if he's chosen any more fresh targets (oh, he probably has)... but do I feel pity for him? Not anymore.
Jul 6 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Sadistic

He did get off on your weeping & pain. Mine did. In fact, mine could have an erection at the height of my agony. Another one of the reasons I left my N. I realized he was, among other things, a true sadist. All this they hide in the beginning. Then the truth is gradually revealed. A boundry pushed. Then another & another. In the end, the boundries were escalating. Trying on physical abuse, revealing his sadism, trying to herd me into sexual acts I found unacceptable. . . . Give an inch, they take a mile. I finally said NO & ran away. Best thing I ever did.
Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He HATED my happiness

The first&only time I met his girlfriend from LA, she was solemn and serious in his presence. They didn't even hold hands. I thought he'd pull the "let me show you my new love, and embarrass you further by making out with her like a teenager" act... but no. Sheer coldness. They looked like siblings. Dressed alike. She was a masculine woman. When she introduced herself to me, she lightened up... and my ex-Psychopath was out the door, and the poor lady had to catch up. I'm sure he gave her a BS explanation. My ex-P NEVER did like it when I was happy. It's almost like the WORST narcissistic injury one can deal is "I'm so happy and successful right now, and you have NOTHING to do with it." As soon as my ex-P saw a smile on my face,he'd command, "Get serious." I'm happy for my own sake. I'm so glad I didn't date/marry the killjoy.
Jul 7 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Susan32

I'm so glad you never married the killjoy too!
Jul 7 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

*Opens bottle of bubbly, gets a Chicago pizza*

I prayed that one day I'd marry him, God's reply was, "HELL NO." I don't think my family would've supported it, and my friends wouldn't have been there either... Not fun. I'm allergic to killjoys now. Developed an immunity. It was weird, because a few years after the D&D, I went to a Christian retreat for teachers, and there was a newly married young man who was part of the group. I cracked a joke, his humor detector was off... and I was glad he wasn't mine. A VERY humorless young man. And absolutely dead in the eyes. Maybe I should change my name to NoKilljoyzone... ;)
Jul 5 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

agnesmurphy17

I really agree. This man is going to turn extremely nasty so prepare yourself. He will really vent his anger, all wrapped in jargon language. My exN was very similar and tried to destroy me for 2 years, he is so twisted. He is going to RAGE, you need to get support and be strong when this hurricane arrives, you're going to witness the true wrath of this disordered being and it will be horrific. Try not to take any of it personally, that's so hard. You really need to be NC, don't give him any fuel, if he sees some weakness (you being nice) he will totally exploit you, project and try to destroy you. RUN and don't look back.

Ending the dance

Jul 5 - 9AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Loveofmylife

Oh suprise suprise .. this narc is laugherble ... so you said you didnt want to work with him again and what does he do ? he turns on the charm ... as our Jane Austin would say "he rates his pocket book over his heart " ....what a load of see through bollocks ...No contact ... and incidently loveofmylife he is not the love of youre life , the love of youre life you havnt met yet !.... big love .. do the right thing ...