A Theory about the OW and ongoing contact

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#1 Feb 19 - 6PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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A Theory about the OW and ongoing contact

I've been thinking about why my N recently tried to contact me after 5+ weeks of NC on my part. My theory and that now I'm not on the scene, the OW isn't as exciting as when he was juggling two sources of supply that both wanted him and made demands on his time. This was the perfect set up for my N because he could guarantee himself supply no matter what. However after several weeks with me out of the picture, I"m sure it's not as titilating to have someone else on the side, and as he works with her too, I'm sure he will now begin looking for supply away from his new Home Supply (the OW). Hence his lame attempt to contact me on Valentine's day and "fish" to find out if I was still interested before going through exhausting process of finding new secondary supply. That is one of the key reasons they come back. If you have always gone back to him before (which I have, even after several months of NC), it's a good bet that he can work you over again.

Not this time, however! I really see now that I was never important as an individual to him, and there really was no love there. And when I last went back to him, he dropped the OW like a hot potato, only to reel her back when he knew i was his again. I try to have mercy and not hatred for the other woman, and hope when the time comes she finds support and a forum like this to make sense of the whole thing.

Feb 20 - 3PM
Maya (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wow those are some powerful comments

Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses Ladies (sorry I think we leave men off here too much, men you are welcome, as we all know that there are many Woman Ns out there (hell half of us think we are them!). I am really feeling the empowerment inherant in this forum. We are definitely stronger together. There are more good people than bad people out there, let's remember that and think enough of ourselves to make better choices next time. We've been working on ourselves and now we have the skills to go out and find/attract more appropriate partners; the partners we deserve. Even if it's just a great dog or cat, a child; you have meaningful relationships anywhere you look. Thank god for this forum and the opportunity to speak it out loud and testify. I read once that some people just need to be "heard" and that is the best thing about this forum so far hands down. Thank you wonderful People for listening.
Feb 20 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

These men are something...and

These men are something...and really all cut from the same cloth. ha Good for you for figuring it out, and not wanting ONE STINKIN PART OF IT anymore! That my dear. Is closure! Stay strong!
Feb 20 - 7AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Contact

They contact you because they want something. There's something in it for them. We cannot even fathom the layer-upon-layer of deceit these types can operate. And they can never let go. Unless the victim somehow burns them so horribly, then they never drop in. When I was married to my N, I know that he contacted his ex-wife & ex-girlfriend. Usually in times when he was fragmented & disorganized. Even when I left him & he was "in love" with a NW & engaged to her (while still married to me) -- he was trying to write to the ex-wife that he understood now how she felt when he left her. And writing to me about my "cruel abandonment" & how he was suffering, & his "recovery." Never thought to mention that he had a New Woman living in the house I still owned with him & she was eating off my china & using my possessions. I met the first ex-wife after I left him. That revealed to me the lies he told about her. And then I met the woman to whom he was engaged while I was still married to him. The lies he told her about me & our relationship. Why write to the ex-wife? Why try to establish contact? WHo knows. All part of their twisted & sick pathology. They own you. You are part of them. Like the child's security blanket. They cling for a sense of identity especially in times when they are fragmented & disorganized. These people wear the mask of sanity. But they are really nuts underneath it all. It is really difficult to rationalize what they do. But their prime motivator = there's something in it for them; something to extract from the victim.
Feb 19 - 7PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It's a viscous game they play

It's a viscous game they play and always will. Glad to see that you see him for what he is and have no interest in being second best to the disordered. Keep on reading and keep up the great work with NC!
Feb 20 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

They thrive on attention

So it makes sense to have as many people as they can giving them attention. NC = I dont buy into that shit because I am better than you, you can have all the dizzy dollies you want but you aint having me. x