Therapy vs. Mentoring- I am in a state of despair today (sorry)

I couldn't get on with therapy either. I'm so sorry you are down and in despair Blueeyes, I know only to well that horrible feeling of despair. Since my husband died 13 years ago it has been one thing after another for me. The way I found to go forward was to look after my well~being first. I lost my husband in a car crash, lost my mother, nearly lost my eldest son in another car accident and was told he wouldn't live but I prayed to God and God heard my prays and he survived, I have been battered by Narc #1 had to run away as I thought he would kill me had my sister treat me with hate and bitterness because she couldn't have children but thankfully she has got over that(I think)and bought up my two children alone, then the major bomb shell ended up with another narc but it was my saving grace that I got away from both N's quickly. I considered myself blessed one of my oldest friends lost her daughter...how do you deal with that??? There are wonderful people out there and they never fail to amaze me. What has worked for me over the years (it has taken me time to learn this) is being NC from anyone who doesn't treat me well as you can't make a silk purse out of a pigs ear,also since a child I have always kept a page a day diary as it's good to let it out, having healthy boundaries, having a good old cry when I needed to, having alone time, not drinking to much alcohol. healthy eating,(do like a bit of naughty though) walking miles and miles in forests or lovely parks(30 shades of green are supposed to be calming)or sea~side, not taking myself to seriously and being able to laugh at myself, being kind to people, doing yoga, dancing, watching films or reading books that inspire me or make me laugh....the list is endless to what you can do to build yourself back up and you don't need money to do it which is a good thing as my husband didn't leave me any money...lol...I was luckly enough to have hope and faith in my future and I just kept telling myself things will get better, but I don't take for granted the good time as you never know what's hanging 'til it drops. Hope you feel better soon hun. xxx

Listen,,,we HERE understand and know what you have been through. We KNOW what it is like in your shoes. We KNOW your pain, we know the confusion, the brainwashing, the gaslighting, the mindgames. It is sick.. until you have walked the walk, it is not the same as some one who just talks the talk. We know. You need tools. You can pull through this. Listen. 1. Go NC 2. That is IT! 3. NO DOUBT 4. Strength of Mentality What does this mean? 5. REPEAT AFFIRMATIONS. Will NEVER be maniupalated like this again, any thoughts, dreams, intrusions is just his maniuplation on me. It is not love. 6. Owning up to Reality. That the N/Psychopath is not have a normal mentality, and only wants you to suffer. That is it. 7. Go NC that is it. Come here for support, get your mind right, repeat many many many times to yourself, I love you,,,I love you, thank you God for giving me perspective to see this problem person for what they are, God deliver me away from them forever. Come to us for support, we know.

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are in such pain. Are you on any sort of meds? If not this is what you need to do. Make an appointment with your MD. Go in and lay it all out on the table, everything that has occurred. Tell them that you are suffering from acute anxiety (yes that is what this is) and that they need to give you something to take the edge off when you need it. Not an anti-depressant as they take days to kick in. Something like Attivan where the result is instantaneous and you only use it when needed (that got me through the bad times). I hope this helps!!

A few things to consider when seeking out therapy. Many therapist or psychologist are familiar with the cluster b type personality disorders. They have went to school and this is part of the study. However, they may not specialize in this. General practitioners of all kinds will have limited knowledge in everything relating to the subject, but can not go beyond that. A general MD can can attempt to diagnosis a problem with your heart but if he is smart and wise he will immediately refer you to a cardiac specialist. Same applies here. When you seek out a therapists it is vital that you are very up front and specific with your trauma issues in dealing with a PDI. We have limited resource for us b/c although many therapist may understand the personality disordered, most have very limited knowledge of the victims condition. Therefore making it difficult to treat. This is what we are working to change in the future. This is where private personal coaching can be of great assistance. Most coaches have devoted their lives to helping individuals work through the trauma because they have been there themselves. They will spend countless hours, days, months and years studding the pathology behind the subject in order to provide the best means of service for their clients. In my opinion, they can be considered the "specialist". They will spend just as much time and research as the MD does, however they walk away with out the licenses, only certification. Their motivation is driven by their personal past experience and the desire to help those who have been down this same road. Many doctors and therapists want to help, i truly believe this but in my mind, a specialist is someone that has had vast experience with a particular topic. Many doc and therapists have been schooled but lack the true experience. Coaching requires many hours in order to become fully certified. It is a commitment that many take on knowing that it may never pay off financially for them. And that's ok. They work the hours, under pressure and deal with the same issues as the docs do. Its all understood and accepted because they have a passion and desire to help that goes above money or status. If this was not the case they would go to med school or get a PHD in psychology. Although certification is not required to be a coach, i highly recommend that if you are going to pay money out of pocket, you seek someone that is certified, specialized in cluster b types or subtypes, or someone that is currently in training for certification as their fees will be less while they are logging their hours for full certification. I have recently sought to get my certification and was very surprised to see the real work that goes into it in order to become fully certified and recognized by the ICF. It is not an over night process, not cheap and some of the programs can be quite extensive depending on the specialty or area of study. Major problem is insurance company's do not pay for coaching services. Hopefully one day this will change but as for today it is an out of pocket expense. Although it is probably some of the best money you will spend, many can not afford to pay for it. Lisa and I are tackling this topic now with the advent of the new site and services that can and should be offered to those in need. We know that this is something that is desperately needed in our area b/c NVS has yet to reach the curriculum for the professionals through their schooling or training. Therefore, we need to develop a program that is individualized to us (six steps) and implement services that will assist the victim in recovery. No such plan of action has been taken on this issue to date as far as i know. But it takes time. A lot of time and work to make it happen. Until then it is wise to continue to seek out a therapist/psychologist that does specialize in the area of trauma and or personality disorders and if possible to find a coach that specializes in NPD or cluster B personality disorders. Dont be afraid to ask if they have the experience. It is your right to know this. Ask for reference and to validate credentials if you feel that they may be the one you are looking for to help you. Last note: Our condition many times requires medication. For this you will need to seek out a Psychiatrist or MD. Anxiety and depression can become chronic and may you may need medication even if only for a short period of time. So this is vital as well. Thanks for this post blueeyes. I think its a good topic to discuss as we need to look at all of our options and resources to further the recovery process. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Is there a therapist that deals with this Narcky Loco stuff specifically? Have you looked into that? My therapist bless her heart, found a colleague that teaches about NPD and he called me with an earful.. I mean can you even ask your therapist now for a referral? Don't run away,, I can't take abandonement.. (no pressure)

Maybe get your therapist to provide a letter documenting that at this time you are under a great deal of stress and that you need certain accomodations. That would be a useful tool to at least document that the NARC boss needs to be kept at bay. While employment is at will, you may qualify for certain temporary accomodations at work... Work is not supposed to exacerbate conditions. As long as you show up and do your job, harassment is not to be tolerated. Easier to enforce in public sector jobs I know, but if it ever comes to a head - your documentation may put you in a position where they will tread carefully out of fear of a lawsuit. Just a suggestion.

I too go to therapy twice a month because this is all I can now afford. I have found so much information on this site and it seem that I can talk about anything. (all of the abuse). I am terrified to tell my therapist about all of the abuse that I have endured from my NH. I haven't told my mom or sisters about the abuse because I am ashamed and they would be furious. It took me 25 years to finally admit the abuse to myself so I am terrified to tell my therapist everything because I am afraid that she will judge me. So here I am on this site in between therapy sessions to get all of this shame and embarrassment off of my chest. lately I have been calling myself stupid for taking so long to leave and I think my therapist would think the same thing but I know that you guys understand.

i felt like this in therapy..when i first used to go in it takes me a while to get started cos there was so much to tell so sometimes, i only spoke for 30minutes, and tho she tried she kept saying why do you put up with it? and i thought you are suppose to be telling me why?and she also wanted me to go to the police.so iventually came on this forum and tho i called it a day with her ,she was good about it and i can still phone her and if she is has a client she always phones me back..i dont blame her for telling me to go to the police, but thats b/c all i ever seemed to say was he keeps looking for me or threating me, and then when i realy had enough of him one day i phoned her and said i would go to police if it kept on and she said as long as you can prove it.. so i gave up and came here...for me an hour at a time was pointless, i was also so aware of the time ticking on....this is just my own personal view....

I have no experience re therapy at all, I did go to our local domestic abuse center and had absolutely no help whatsoever, all three different women I spoke with had never had any personal experience of domestic abuse, so I felt no connection with them whatsoever. You cant give people real advise from reading some pages in a book and passing an exam. The very best help I've had is this site, the fantastic people on here have helped me so much and I will always be eternally grateful to them all. You included Blueeyes :)