They DO always come back...

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#1 Feb 23 - 9AM
JustBreathe
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They DO always come back...

I've been reading y'all's stories about how your xN tried to contact you after the break-up, and I never really believed mine would.

When he dumped me (after a horrible devaluation stage, like so many of you experienced), I was starting to catch on to all the horrible mind games he had been playing. I confronted him about those games, and about all of the other women he had been seeing while we were together.

Anyway, since I had let him know that I was onto him, I figured he would be out of my life for good. For the first few months, he was keeping tabs on what I was doing through a mutual friend. Now, it's been about six weeks since I've had any contact with that friend(she always wanted to talk about my xN and his new girlfriend - no matter how many times I told her it was painful for me to hear about it.)

Since I've been no contact with her as well, I've been so much happier, and I can really see how that helps with recovery.

I thought they were all out of my life for good....but today, I got an invitation from the xN on LinkedIn. We're not in any of the same professional circles, and I've cut all common personal ties that we have, so I don't think there's any way he could have come across my profile by accident.

I ignored the request, of course, but I'm frustrated that he won't just go away. Even though I'm on my way to recovery, I still feel pretty shaken that he tried to contact me. He's been with the other woman for a few months (who he also dated before he and I met), so I'm sure it's about time for him to start looking for alternate supply.

But, why won't he just go away? Is there anything I can do to be rid of him forever?

Feb 24 - 9PM
Tinker23
Tinker23's picture

You have to be the one to let go

because they will find a way back. Mine contacted me after 9 months of NC and seriously acted as if we had just talked the day before. The only thing to do is to be able to let go of him and NC :)
Feb 23 - 9PM
mirrorshaker
mirrorshaker's picture

22 years!

He d&d'd me for the first time at 17 and showed back up again at 39.
Feb 23 - 2PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

My therapist once told me

My therapist once told me that Ns purposefully do not provide closure because they want to leave the door open just a sliver in case any of their new/old supplies do not work out. I also think that Ns have a really, really bad short term memory and for some reason...they can remember that you were really good supply at one point (they forget how they treated you like shit and dumped you) and that you could be again. Mr. N was an expert at "recycling"...he has a lot of exs as friends on FB and he once revealed to me that there was this woman he dated YEARS ago that he was still chatting with because she was in love with him (his tone revealed just how "not in love" he was with her). The best thing you can do is continue to ignore, ignore, ignore and where possible, block, block, block. It's also really good to remember that it isn't ever about you...it's always going to be about him...so if he sees any opportunity to bring you back into his circle of "potential" victims...he will use it. I can't speak for whether there is a point where they just "give up" because my step mother...like Hunter...had her exNH come back decades later trying to win her back. But you are definately doing the right thing by simply ignoring him.
Feb 23 - 1PM
JustBreathe
JustBreathe's picture

Thanks for the comments! I

Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate the responses. I am wondering, now, what he is up to....is this the start of more contact to come in the near future? Or, will he back off for a while? I guess it doesn't really matter. Hearing from all of you makes me feel like I'll be able to stay strong, no matter what that loser decides to do. Thank you!
Feb 24 - 5AM (Reply to #22)
MMcCann
MMcCann's picture

Just think of how much it'll

Just think of how much it'll piss him off when you don't reply. There's a sense of power knowing you're making him wait for a response. Then you can say...bwahahahahaha! Keep waiting, loser!
Feb 23 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Whatever the xN does and to

Whatever the xN does and to be honest who cares what a psychopath is up to - it is not about their feeling anything real - ever. Ns cannot feel, cannot love, do not care at all. They cannot live without supply however and absolutely everything they do is focused on the pursuit, the securing and then keeping in place supply to abuse/torture at will. Ns are evil period/fill stop.
Feb 23 - 1PM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Ns come back because they

Ns come back because they never believe a relationship is truly over pure and simple - part of their grandiosity facet. They feel entitled to come back in to someone's life even if decades have gone by and pick up exactly where they left off even if the last D&D was horrendous - especially so - as this gives their ego a huge boost of primary supply - look how I almost destroyed you, you inferior person, and here you are having a one night stand with me 10 years later - bahahahahah - sucker. The xN I knew particularly enjoyed the swoop in years later manoeuvre and was successful in securing one night stands this way - because the women he was dealing with had never fully understood what he was and still had the addictive link to him. You understand the N is a psychopath and are moving on, you are healing, and getting on with your life now. Ignore his hoover - things only matter if you let them and you are now on your new path.
Feb 24 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
MountainLady
MountainLady's picture

Yep

Mine had a lot of exs on Facebook, in his email contact list & dropping by the house all the time. N's NEVER end a relationship but I guess some women don't mind that or never figure it out. They were still looking for an opportunity to BE his one-night stand. I wondered why the guy always left his door unlocked at night. I was so stupid. I shudder to think what went on when I wasn't there. Just knowing how N's work - thanks to Lisa - is enough to reinforce my No Contact Rule. The day he contacts me - it will be my pleasure to completely ignore the creep.
Feb 23 - 12PM
SundaySmile
SundaySmile's picture

Not sure

I am not sure why they come back - theories abound. In my case the answer came from his mouth.... he told me his friend was dating a younger hot woman that had a spitfire temperament. Said friend dumped her. He told me his friend went back JUST TO MAKE SURE. And started laughing. In essence, he was telling me this was why he came back. Along with some lines he picked up from twisted NLP and romance novels....quoted songs. Ya know. None of it resonated with him on any level that appeared to be real. I realize people in newer relationships may go back because they miss the person and something was misunderstood. They genuinely care and wish to sincerely apologize and make amends if possible. In non narc relationships it may look like remorse and regret if they know how to play people. But these fellas are nothing short of skilled wordsmiths that know how to sell you shit you sense is off. Key things to watch for that may be employed when hoovering: those NARCS who quote, relish and obsess over unrequited love songs. For ex: Being studied in music, I know the lines from most of the songs he has quoted. OOPS for him. He thought he could pass it off as original. Unrequited love songs = he cannot commit. He loves to be sad over losing supply. Its not about losing her - its about losing ego and supply. - he quoted these lines and weighted my expression. Which was mmm hmm. as in - yeah right. Back it up. People can sense that something is off. ESPECIALLY when they say they were wrong and could see how you might THINK X Y Z, but that it was NOT MALICIOUS. KEY KEY KEY. Spin talk. NOT MALICIOUS. It does not MATTER that it was NOT MALICIOUS. It matter that the butthole DID IT. Especially since this EXCUSES him from accountability. Far more seasoned NARCS will use this script: I understand how you could feel this way. It was not malicious. It was a misunderstanding; accident; ignorance I am sorry. Can we move forward. (flatly said) If yes - he goes on to next step . (if no he simply walks away) (Stands there gauging your reaction. ) Following this FLOW chart: if I said nothing and looked at him flatly as though he were FULL OF SHIT the next step was: Quote unrequited love song. Apply it as though you mean it pertains to her. But do not qualify. Flat look at him again. Him: shit she is ON TO MY CRAP. NEXT step: His poor poor crap about how distraught HE was about losing his supply, er uh YOU. (Note: he does not identify with what you may have felt over his crap. He does not reach out because he is too busy watching for your eyes and posture to soften). Wahh wahhhhh wahhh I felt I felt I felt. You pushed me to do it because you wont listen to me. MY HOT BUTTON IS (fill in the blank) this is to get you to BEHAVE and NEVER challenge him on whatever it is you caught him doing. CLASSIC. A warning for the future if you are GOOD enough for him to suck you back in. another key path by narc: In this case it was the old standby of THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. And that something is that I called him out on his shit. And he had been such a skilled NLP that he was able to talk a bunch of crap and snooker anyone. This NLP was beyond skilled. It was SCARY skilled. Credentialed by numerous supporters in the public who had NO clue what he was truly like. So I do not KNOW why each one comes back pe se. But I do know they do. He will go away eventually. I reviewed the history btwn us and realized the depth of depravity I was allowing in my life. He slipped up. I realized how I was being managed and hoovered. My god he was good. My heart goes out to you. I empathize. Each one is diff but the bottom line is an unhealthy disordered narc driven by extreme ego at your expense. That is my exp and opinion only. XO
Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Well TU Sunday

Unfortunately I will be seeing tick dick in the coming months. It can't be avoided. So I am practicing this scenario in my head so I can be cold & flat like he is. I only have 1 experience w/IDD. The 1st and the last. It's funny in his e mail apology "didn't want to hurt u, I couldn't tell u bc I always had trouble xpressing my feelings. If u don't want to talk,& dont want 2b friends, I understand.' This is not a true apology. He is only sorry that I confronted him & removed his 2nd supply source. OHHH It pisses me off!
Feb 23 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG

The script is almost verbatim what tick dick said to me. He throws in a few "I understand" s in between blah blah blah.
Feb 23 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

TICK DICK!!! I love it!!!!

TICK DICK!!! I love it!!!! Latest n had a tick dick- this is now his new name LOL
Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lilone

I gave him this name because I actually found a deer tick on his dick. Sexy! I guess he was dancing thru the woods with no pants on.
Feb 23 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
SundaySmile
SundaySmile's picture

Shock

Shock was I UNDERSTAND followed by "BUT" and then DOWN came the axe? EDIT: In non narc relationships it may look like remorse and regret if they know how to play people. SHOULD HAVE READ: in NARC relationships
Feb 23 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

They have a personality

They have a personality disorder.. They only go away when you let them go.. Watch Sam Vaknin,, these DIORDERED freaks are always on the hunt for supply. My came back after 20 yrs.. They are Emotional Vampires.. Hunter
Feb 23 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead
Redhead's picture

Hunter

Yours returned after 20 years? no shit?
Feb 23 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I got Hunter beat

ha ha mine came back 23 years later - but who is counting
Feb 23 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Redhead
Redhead's picture

OMG - 20+ years for some of

OMG - 20+ years for some of you!! Hmmmm - if that idiot comes sniffing around me in 20 years, I'll hit him with my walker & blame it on dementia!
Feb 24 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
Krooks
Krooks's picture

LOL - awesome Redhead!

LOL - awesome Redhead!
Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

LOL Love ya Red!

LOL Love ya Red!
Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

good one Red

good one Red
Feb 24 - 5AM (Reply to #8)
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

Hahaha....

I'll forget to wear my depends and piss in his oatmeal!
Feb 24 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
dupedx2
dupedx2's picture

34 years for me!

I'm not making this up! Unfortunately.
Feb 24 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

To be fair to them :)

Why wouldnt they think they can just drop back in.. I mean if they d and d'd ..in their head they will think we are pining.. And most of us put up with a lot of shit during that time together that we can probably point at lots of times that we were treated worse and took them back.. So on past performance why would they think any different ?
Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

True, but who cares what they

True, but who cares what they think? I know what I think and nothing is going to change that. Mine is too cowardly to get near me except to look from a distance. Gives me great pleasure to know that I would never take him back or feel any sympathy at all for his sorry plight.