Thinking Like a Narc

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#1 Nov 27 - 2PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Thinking Like a Narc

I've cited two things that have helped me enormously with my recovery...one is the comparison of my relationship with the ex to a seven year long one-night stand...the other is my conscious refusal either in thought or written form, to refer to him as anything other than "the" ex...not "my" ex.

There is one other thing I have done to help me get to the answer that seems to plague us all mercilessly during our recovery...that is "how could he do this to me?" "I can't believe I didn't matter!"

You actually have to have quiet time to do this...meditation beforehand might help, if you do meditate. But I literally put myself, emotionally, in the same mindset he operated by and then viewed the entire world from that angle. It is a creepy place to be but it sure answered a lot of questions I had with regard to my 'worth' in the relationship. I discovered...I had none. But I knew that all along (I think most of us did)...I just needed to see it from his PoV to really get the full picture. I also discovered that you have to be a very empathetic person in order to place yourself in the shoes of someone who's entirely apathetic. When you empathize with other people, you understand their emotions, because you feel them yourself and there is that common thread that ties you to other feeling human beings. But trying to empathize with someone whose whole pathology is so foreign to you...wow, that's hard.

So, I kept it simple...I started with assessing my feelings for close friends and family...obviously, those are the deepest bonds we have. Then I compared them to acquaintances. Do I share the same bonds with them? Obviously, no. They are there more out of convenience than anything else. Easy come, easy go. Some of them, when you first meet are GREAT! You have lots in common, you laugh at the same crap, they're loads of fun...but they are flaky, they cancel plans or just flat out blow you off, screen calls, etc...the relationship is superficial at best and never develops legs. That's an acquaintance, to me. And for the record, that was the relationship the ex had with me. And ps? It's the relationship he will have with everyone else after me. Nobody will ever become his "insides".

I'm fine with having acquaintances in my life, as it is a mutually understood arrangement. I am probably no more pivotal to them than they are to me. In a love relationship, though...that's quite different. One side has the understanding that it's a casual acquaintance with benefits (for him alone) and the other allows him in to their very core. The narc enters the relationship under false pretenses, promising you the world and knowing full well he will not deliver.

When you are cast aside, in roughly the same manner as you would sever contact with an acquaintance, you're just totally thunderstruck that he viewed you as so temporary when you were playing for keeps the entire time.

We all have narcissistic tendencies. Draw on those you possess if you want to tap into the drivers behind the malignant narcissist. For instance, my narcissistic trait is insecurity and the need for validation almost at all costs...I will make impulsive, sometimes reckless decisions to 'impress' people. I give too generously at times, which doesn't make me wonderful, it makes me a show-off...because I'm not doing it for the affected party or for myself...I'm doing it to impress others and gain acceptance or admiration. I cringe writing that, but it's the truth. I had to figure out my trait and use it to get into his head....

once I did that, I saw the world exactly as he did. I never want to go back there again. But, it was a HUGE breakthrough for me and well worth the effort and temporary discomfort. Not one single time since have I second-guessed my decision to get out, or asked myself what I could have done to save the relationship...it was unfixable...from the outset. And most importantly, I don't want to be deemed "special" in the eyes of someone like him. That would mean there is something seriously WRONG with me. And there was something seriously wrong with me that landed us together in the first place...so now I leave him to his lonely, angry bitter little existence and I continue on my way; peeling back more layers, growing stronger and facing down my fears/insecurities. There is a good guy out there for me...I will be lucky to find him, and I will be in such a good emotional place that the next one I commit to will be for life. I'm a pro at weeding the narcs out now! :)

Nov 27 - 7PM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

I love your honesty

Oh Syren, I want to go into the narc mindset, but I am scared..will I return unscatted? LOL I am breaking my brain trying to figure out how he ticks, most everyone else thinks its my obsession. I cant help but love to dig and investigate, think its my personality. I have to understand how things operate, especially to let go. So, I would love to try this, but I am very empathetic, and apathy is a very hard trait for me to understand :( What do I do?
Nov 27 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Step Number One

Don't try it today. You're having a rough time and to do this requires total focus, which means you have to be in a relaxed, spin-free state. You've hit a bump in the road, but it's temporary, thankfully! And the option exists when you're ready. You're not going to turn into a narc...but...you may pull things out of yourself you never even realized existed...it's part of the self-awareness path we are all on. Part of the exercise I found the most distressing was tapping into my own narcissistic traits so that I could see the world only from that vantage point. We allll have them. The exNarc and I have a shared trait and that is our need for acceptance. Beyond that, we have ZERO in common. And another way to ease into that is to compare your feelings toward those you hold near and dear to those of your feelings for acquaintances (no strings attached). The narc views us as the latter...if that...so think about how you relate to someone close to you versus how you relate to an acquaintance...totally different. One relationship is deep and meaningful, whereas the other is totally superficial and non-committal. You viewed him as close...he viewed you as casual. Mostly, we are objects. So, you could use an object that interests you if you need to. When it breaks, would you go to any lengths to fix it and then treat it with kid gloves and respect the limits of its capabilities? Or would you rather go out and buy a brand new shiny one? Sure, you'll take really good care of it for about a month or two, but after that, it doesn't seem as "new" any more and you dust it less, or abuse it a little more...and you put up with the little flaws that develop (and which you created through neglect and/or abuse) until the whole thing is just such a mess, it's easier to throw it away and go buy yet another one. Rinse, repeat. Hope this helps! :D
Nov 27 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Facing our fears

The ex-Psych was TOTALLY afraid of being laughed at. Now, it's natural to fear ridicule, but he'd take it to another level. He'd tell me to tell my classmates to not mock him behind his back, because he was *SENSITIVE*... of course, this inspired a whole round of epically raunchy masturbation jokes... about him. I don't like being laughed at cruelly, either. Yet the ex-P knew that sensitivity, he'd publicly ridicule me... yet I wasn't allowed to mock him (until I changed the rule without notice in my head to do the same unto him) I have a similar insecurity, just not at the same level. I find my crush on Colin Firth funny, I can laugh at it. I can laugh at myself. The ex-P, however, envied how the Burmese regime forbids mockery of the ruling military (it can get one landed in jail-or worse). He thought his major crush on then-governor Gary Johnson (now a Libertarian presidential candidate, was GOP) was above ridicule. After the final D&D, when the senior skit ridiculed him, he got up and RAN out. He made a mad dash for the exit as if his butt were on fire. Ridicule was the only REALLY effective Narc repellent, in this case. Some Narcs have senses of humor&can laugh at themselves (like my former boss or my grandmother) But with the ex-P, I knew that with him, it was a "Killing Joke" (to quote a Monty Python skit) indeed. I knew that laughing at him did major damage to his ego... so I did it... and liked it. It was easy. And he wanted to rid me of my sense of humor(!!!) So I used it to my advantage&got some laughs along the way. The senior skit counted as group therapy, didn't it?
Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Some of them, not many

Some of them, not many though, will accept ridicule in the form of "friendly" teasing...and most of them are too stupid to figure out that they are being mocked. But ALL narcs...every single last one of them....above all else, fears being irrelevant. So some will accept the mocking as a form of attention, albeit negative attention...they'll take it; they ain't proud. I'd say that's group therapy, sure! :D
Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Friendly" teasing

I had a former Narc coworker, morbidly obese, who liked making fun of his Buddha belly. My former Narc boss was openly gay-and he'd make jabs about gays. He'd even MOCK HIMSELF, go figure. My maternal Narc grandmother made fun of herself "making a spectacle" when she fell down the stairs last Christmas Eve. It was HERSELF. Ns who have senses of humor and can mock themselves have SOME humanity going for them. They strike me as kinda human that way. "So some will accept the mocking as a form of attention, albeit negative attention"-The ex-Psych prof was NOT born that way. He wouldn't mock himself;he'd say that he took himself seriously. If I were laughing&joking with friends, he'd accuse me of not taking him seriously&storm off. He saw laughter at his expense as rendering him EPICALLY irrelevant. He couldn't take it. Once, I said, "If you can't mock yourself, I'll do it for you." I got the Glare of Doom. The ex-P wanted to rob me of my sense of humor. I do not give that up without a fight. "Her son Sergei later recalled a lack of spontaneous gaiety about her: she had always found it hard to be happy, even as a young girl...She rarely laughed or enjoyed jokes."-The Diaries of Sofia Tolstoy, intro by Cathy Porter The ex-P would accuse me of being religious&humorless, of being JUST LIKE SOFIA TOLSTOY, the wife of his idol Leo. Well, I am religious and proud of it. But I think he wanted me to be as joyless&humorless as Sofia Tolstoy. He wanted to be like Leo Tolstoy (he was 32 when I met him, I was 18, since Leo was 34 when he wed the 18 yr old Sofia Behrs) My sense of humor was worth fighting for! Call me religious fine... call me humorless.. those are fighting words!
Nov 27 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mocking themselves is a

Mocking themselves is a self-defense mechanism...if they mock themselves, then they cease to be a target for others. Make sense?
Nov 27 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Definitely!

The ex-Psych always described humor as a "defense mechanism." It's true that when people are uncomfortable, or in a discomfiting situation, laughter&joking are a sign of nervousness/anxiety... and perhaps my behavior merely confirmed my discomfort around him. The ex-P wouldn't mock himself in self-defense, so he ended up being a larger target than others. He might as well have had a permanent "Kick me" sign. It's telling his favorite literary character, Prince Andrei in "War and Peace",is totally devoid of humor (unless it's sarcastic&directed at others) He's afraid of being ridiculed, deathly afraid of it. When soldiers on the battlefield engage in gallows humor, he rages at them. When his infant son is deathly ill... he is MORE upset about a diplomat sending a mocking letter at him. When he hears his idol, Speransky, laugh, he devalues him. Lack of humor leads to ultimate vulnerability, IMHO.
Nov 27 - 4PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Really weird you posted this

Really weird you posted this today. Because last night i sat here and did the same thing, it was very scary and lonely and mind boggling to say the least, I would not want to live a life like that. Very dark place for sure. I did it becaUSE I JUST CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN BE SO COLD AND HEARTLESS I truely just wanted to shake him and make him wake up! But I can't do that so I went into his state of mind and thinking, I didn't like it. Very cold dark and lonely in their world, I don't care what kinda act they put on to make people think they are so happy, it's all a lie! Very depressing for sure
Nov 27 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

But totally enlightening for

But totally enlightening for us, isn't it? As gnarly as that whole experience is, when you do go there...you REALLY get it. Oh, one other thing...it makes you understand to your core why NC is so critical...because when you "feel" what they "feel", you know how damaging that tactic truly is to them. The ex...I D&D'd him BADLY last December...I mean, I was freaking vicious...nobody in his life was spared, not him, his friends or his family. I so totally turned the tables on him it wasn't even funny. Then he began kissing my ass after that and I decided to let bygones be bygones, to be civil...then he screwed up again two months ago and I've been NC ever since. I KNOW it's killing him...while it heals me. Talk about win/win.