Thinking Like a Narc
Thinking Like a Narc
I've cited two things that have helped me enormously with my recovery...one is the comparison of my relationship with the ex to a seven year long one-night stand...the other is my conscious refusal either in thought or written form, to refer to him as anything other than "the" ex...not "my" ex.
There is one other thing I have done to help me get to the answer that seems to plague us all mercilessly during our recovery...that is "how could he do this to me?" "I can't believe I didn't matter!"
You actually have to have quiet time to do this...meditation beforehand might help, if you do meditate. But I literally put myself, emotionally, in the same mindset he operated by and then viewed the entire world from that angle. It is a creepy place to be but it sure answered a lot of questions I had with regard to my 'worth' in the relationship. I discovered...I had none. But I knew that all along (I think most of us did)...I just needed to see it from his PoV to really get the full picture. I also discovered that you have to be a very empathetic person in order to place yourself in the shoes of someone who's entirely apathetic. When you empathize with other people, you understand their emotions, because you feel them yourself and there is that common thread that ties you to other feeling human beings. But trying to empathize with someone whose whole pathology is so foreign to you...wow, that's hard.
So, I kept it simple...I started with assessing my feelings for close friends and family...obviously, those are the deepest bonds we have. Then I compared them to acquaintances. Do I share the same bonds with them? Obviously, no. They are there more out of convenience than anything else. Easy come, easy go. Some of them, when you first meet are GREAT! You have lots in common, you laugh at the same crap, they're loads of fun...but they are flaky, they cancel plans or just flat out blow you off, screen calls, etc...the relationship is superficial at best and never develops legs. That's an acquaintance, to me. And for the record, that was the relationship the ex had with me. And ps? It's the relationship he will have with everyone else after me. Nobody will ever become his "insides".
I'm fine with having acquaintances in my life, as it is a mutually understood arrangement. I am probably no more pivotal to them than they are to me. In a love relationship, though...that's quite different. One side has the understanding that it's a casual acquaintance with benefits (for him alone) and the other allows him in to their very core. The narc enters the relationship under false pretenses, promising you the world and knowing full well he will not deliver.
When you are cast aside, in roughly the same manner as you would sever contact with an acquaintance, you're just totally thunderstruck that he viewed you as so temporary when you were playing for keeps the entire time.
We all have narcissistic tendencies. Draw on those you possess if you want to tap into the drivers behind the malignant narcissist. For instance, my narcissistic trait is insecurity and the need for validation almost at all costs...I will make impulsive, sometimes reckless decisions to 'impress' people. I give too generously at times, which doesn't make me wonderful, it makes me a show-off...because I'm not doing it for the affected party or for myself...I'm doing it to impress others and gain acceptance or admiration. I cringe writing that, but it's the truth. I had to figure out my trait and use it to get into his head....
once I did that, I saw the world exactly as he did. I never want to go back there again. But, it was a HUGE breakthrough for me and well worth the effort and temporary discomfort. Not one single time since have I second-guessed my decision to get out, or asked myself what I could have done to save the relationship...it was unfixable...from the outset. And most importantly, I don't want to be deemed "special" in the eyes of someone like him. That would mean there is something seriously WRONG with me. And there was something seriously wrong with me that landed us together in the first place...so now I leave him to his lonely, angry bitter little existence and I continue on my way; peeling back more layers, growing stronger and facing down my fears/insecurities. There is a good guy out there for me...I will be lucky to find him, and I will be in such a good emotional place that the next one I commit to will be for life. I'm a pro at weeding the narcs out now! :)
I love your honesty
Step Number One
Facing our fears
Some of them, not many
"Friendly" teasing
Mocking themselves is a
Definitely!
Really weird you posted this
But totally enlightening for