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Today is the hardest one yet....

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#1 Jan 11 - 7PM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Today is the hardest one yet....

I have no idea what my problem is but today has sucked! Wort day so far and I don't know how to shake it. I am reading and journaling and just can't shake it. I am just miserable. It's not like I am missing him, I think it's the fact that he, I believe, has just moved on and isn't suffering. That pisses me off. Four years together and 4 serious years. He's the only dad my kids have ever known. We were a family...or as close to a family as it comes. Or so I thought? He was never really commited I guess and that hurts. I invested so much into him and our realtionship. UGH! Just miserable and crying. I read posts on here from people a year into it and they are still suffering...really? That's what I have to look forward to? I am so not a mena person adn yes I have compassion but I WANT HIM TO BE SUFFERING TOO!

Jan 11 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mcastle

It sucks having these feelings, but you have to work through them to come out the other side. Once you surrender to the truth that it is what it is, and there is no denying that, your mind will become more peaceful. Resisting something that can not be changed will only cause further pain. Keep plugging along. Life will get better.
Jan 11 - 7PM
aquabella
aquabella's picture

Mcastle, I had a shit day

Mcastle, I had a shit day too...very hard, texted asshat and he didn't text back so I'm right where I was a week ago...chasing after my abuser. I have to believe that the healing is not linear. I think time does lessen the pain overall, but we're going to have good days and bad days all along the journey. We're going to take two steps forward and one step back, then three steps forward and two back, but as long as we keep taking more positive steps (which we are, educating ourselves, NC, relying on friends, getting into therapy) than negative ones, we'll make it to the other side. Come on girl, we got this! xoxo Lynn
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Aquabella

We do got this! Why'd you text him? You should have sent it to me instead. You knew he wouldn't answer and I think that makes the pain worse....that's what keeps me in NC....it hurts but I know I will be in more pain if I reach out and get what I know I will get...NOTHING! Love you...chin up. We got a coffe date Friday and I can't wait!
Jan 11 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
aquabella
aquabella's picture

I texted him cause he's my

I texted him cause he's my heroin, and you, this board, therapy, and reading until my eyes pop out are just methadone. As wonderful as you are and as thankful as I am to have the support, that is the bottom line and I'm struggling with "one more hit" vs. getting clean. I know, it is a dangerous game I'm playing. Looking forward to coffe on Friday too! Therapy 3 times this week...yikes! At least asshat never stole money for me, until now. xoxo Lynn
Jan 11 - 7PM
ichooselife
ichooselife's picture

mcastle

Hi, I just want to say that it DOES get better. Today is not one of my best days only because he just came and buzzed my apt last night, needing someone to talk to and I was a sucker. oops. But i know from past slips i had that i will be back to normal in a day or 2. I know everyone is different as far as the healing time, and that there are alot of factors involved. When you're in pain, it feels like it will always be that way--but it won't. Cling to the good moments when they come, and whatever comfort you have. Its unbelievable how they can just dis-count us like that. Im sorry you're having a bad day.
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

ichooselife

First, let me say I love the name! perfect! They are just jerks. I love how we are all here to support one another. I would not be making day by day without this forum. Thanks fro the encouragement!
Jan 11 - 7PM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

And as I am sitting here....

absolutely bawling my eyes out...like I have never cried before I get an email from his step-dad.....Didn't even read it. Can't do it! DELETE! I wanted to read it an repply what I f-ing jerk asstard is.
Jan 11 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Well... He's very disturbed..

Well... He's very disturbed.. He hurts inside every day.. Damaged to the core.. Do you miss having to wear sunglasses to hide a black eye.. Do you miss explaining his wonderful behavior to your kids.. What kind of example would you be setting for for your kids.. You need toset an example of strength to your children not weakness.. Dumping his abusive ass demonstrates strength .. You not only subjected your self to abuse but your kids too.. So stick to the rules..this is the suckiest ride of your life..but it does get better.. He has given you no options.. Things worth while require work.. Come on now.. How about a big " Fuck you asshole I'm making it without you " Hunter
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Hunter...

Ok. "FUCK YOU ASHOLE, I AM MAKING IT WITHOUT YOU" my kids knwo what's up. I have them in counseling too and they even told her "We are much better off without him" So I know it was for the best and I do know that it won't always be painful and someday I will appreciate the lessons I am learning...I just want someday to be today! Silly me, I am an intelligent ladt and know it takes time....
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

See ..didn't that feel

See ..didn't that feel better. Four years isn't going to take 1 month to cure.. MCastle.. I'm glad you left that smile up yesterday..seeing you smile was a beautiful thing.. Lets try for one tomorrow.. Hunter
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Excuse al the typos...

crying and typing don't mix!