TovaBella's Story

TovaBella’s Story

I believe one of the main roots of how it all came about, was the fact that I’ve always had very low self-esteem. I was raised by a single mother, who was socialized to cook, clean, be a wife and have children. Looks have always been important to my mother…she was a knock out when she was young, had constant proposals and she ended up dating my father (her first true love) for over three years. My father broke up with my mother and left her to raise me. He was very clear about not wanting any more children (he was divorced and already had two kids). He started dating another woman towards the end of the relationship with my mother and ended up marrying her. My father is a narcissist and my mother is a codependent…something I wasn’t aware of until I started seeing a therapist just recently. Needless to say, since my mother put a huge emphasis on looks, she was always on my case about my weight (and to date, she still is.) I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’ve gone up and down my entire life and no matter how much I would lose, it never seems like enough for her. Mind you, I don’t look bad either, I’ve run two half marathons, I eat very sensible, but I do indulge occasionally, I exercise daily (swim, run, cycle and walk), but there’s an image in her mind that I don’t fit. Growing up, she would always say things like, “You have such a beautiful face, you would be even prettier if you would lose more weight.” So it is with these mental images and messages that I grew up. My mother basically all but said that no man or men would want to be with me until I lost more weight…it was horrible.

I met my now husband through my job and he is the most wonderful man in the world. We dated for several years before we became in engaged and even then, we had a two year engagement. Shortly after we married, we started having serious communication issues…it was awful. I even suggested that maybe we shouldn’t be together and he refused to believe this was the case. I was miserable living in the Midwest/east coast and suggested the idea of moving out west…he refused flat out. I moved from out west to the midwest-east coast to be with him and that was the way he wanted to keep things…despite the fact that I wasn’t happy. My husband isn’t a bad man, he’s just slow with change, but it took me years to realize this about him. From the very beginning of our marriage, everything was such a struggle and it became dreadful to be around one another. I threw myself into working out more and he threw himself into watching t.v. or playing on the computer.

It was at the gym that I met the ex-N and my entire life turned upside down. We had belonged to the same gym for years and I never really noticed him until almost two years. Mind you, I didn’t use my membership for the first year I had it…I felt too self-conscious to go. I started going really late at night and I had seen him there a few times. I would look up from being on a machine and saw him starring at me and I would immediately look back down at my machine. It made me feel so uncomfortable. In my head I was upset that this man was looking at me…I looked and felt awful, but I pushed through it and just kept to myself. It is now I realized that he had his eye on me and had plans to make me his target at some point. I forgot about him and moved on towards my fitness goals. It was a year and a half later that I was working out with my girlfriend and noticed this really attractive man at the gym. I asked her if she had seen in before and her response was, “oh my goodness yes! He’s been working out at our gym for years, don’t you remember him?” At first I hadn’t, but then I did. It was at that point, that my stomach felt uncomfortable, but I just brushed it off as nothing. Boy was this one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I now realize this was intuition warning me. I feel A LOT and my intuition rarely stirs me wrong.

He started starring more and more every time I went to the gym. Working out around me and working out on machines near me. I did my best to keep to myself, but he had this presence about him that was unlike anything I’d ever felt…it was just scary. A couple of times he would be walking out at the same time as me and he would hold the door, I wouldn’t make eye contact at him, but would say thank you. Mind you, this is totally NOT in my nature…I’m naturally very friendly and love to smile, but there was something about this man that made me keep to myself…again, I realize now that this was again my intuition. It was warning me to not give anything…not even so much as a smile to this man, for he would only lead me to pain and regret later. Again, I only wish I would have listened.

I grew very curious about this man and wanted to know what the hell his deal was and why he reacted the way he did. Always around me, always trying to make me look at him, tried to interact with me and so one day I asked him what his name was when he was blatantly working out around me. He was completely caught off guard and said, “Oh, I haven’t had the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is ex-N.” He then asked me the same and I introduced myself. From that day on, I said hello if I saw him and he waved if he saw me. One of my friends who worked out with me told me that she recently had seen a semi famous photo he was in…nothing celebrity related by any means, but just a local published photo from several years ago. She had mentioned to him when he showed her, that he should show me…so he did. It was a photo from him several years prior, posing with very little on. He looked great and I was impressed. I could tell he was looking for my reaction and like an idiot, I gave him one…knowing absolutely nothing about N’s and how they fuel/feed from this type of attention.

I was looking for a job at the time and found out about a position through a friend of a friend and was hired. Low and be hold, I was hired at the same company as the N. I was in a different division, but this was where the communication really started. It started with email, then moved to instant messaging…something he initiated everyday. I had left the gym we both went to and had started going to a different one. I needed to leave the gym after hearing from a reliable source that the facility would most likely be closing, which it did eventually a year later. So our communication was only at work. We had lunch a few times, he told me all about his life, how he was in the midst of getting a divorce and about problems he was having with the girl he was seeing at the time. I remember him telling me how his GF was crazy and extremely demanding. I of course sided with him at the time. I now know for a fact that he was totally projecting and that she’s a very caring, loving person who was trying to have a relationship with him. He convinced her to leave her husband and then he D&D’ed her. She never recovered and to this day still begs him to come back to her…so sad. It took me all this time to realize she is just one of his many victims. As we continued communicating at work, I remember feeling like he was this amazing guy. It was just all too weird how similar we seemed to be and he even said, that we were so much alike. We had the same undergraduate degrees, we were married at the same venue, we both loved working out, worked at the same place, always had stuff to talk about and we made each other laugh all the time. I remember at one point thinking…he’s the man looks and personality wise what I was looking for before I met my husband. I thought, gosh, here’s this guy who I mis-took for a total asshole…just like all the other muscular jerks from the gym…you know, the one’s that let the door slam on your face unless you’re a runway looking model. I thought this guy is totally different and I’m glad I’m getting to know him. My gosh I could just kick myself with what I know about him now! Ugh!

He shared with me that he was going to be moving out of state. He was breaking up with his crazy GF at the time and his divorce was going to be finalized soon. I told him that I was happy he was going to be moving for a fresh start, that it sounded very smart. I asked him where and my jaw dropped. He was moving to where I’m from…I laughed. He also laughed and said, “Yeah, I know…it is kind of weird with you being from there and all.” He said he had family out there and figured he could use a little support…plus loved the weather out there. I told him I was sad, but happy he was moving on. I told him it was a great place to live if one was single and that I wished him luck. He said, “I’m sure we’ll see each other especially since you go out to visit so frequently.” I said, “yeah, maybe we can do lunch or something.”

Fast forwarding, we kept in touch. He would tell me about every date he had, when he landed his then job out there. I started noticing that he was engaging in some pretty promiscuous behavior and thought, well I guess he’s just getting it all out of his system. HAHA! Yeah, right…I know now he was just being himself. I noticed that every time he was communicating with me…which was almost daily, it felt like he was purging all his unhealthy behavior on to me. He would give full fledged details of what he did and at first I was thinking it was weird…but I so badly wanted to keep in contact that I listened. It became like a soap opera to me. Especially since I NEVER had lived the way he was living. I was very shy, kept to myself and never slept with anyone until I started dating my husband. We were friends and he wasn’t giving me full fledged details….yet.

It was the one trip that changed my world upside down. I agreed to meet up with him, suggested lunch and he said he was busy and suggested a wine bar that was really popular and great people watching spot. I went, we laughed, had a blast and I started to get tired and told him I should call it a night since the wine made me a bit too tired. He suggested we go get some red bull for a little bit and I agreed. Four red bulls and four glasses of wine later I was gone. I told him I hated for the fun to end, but that it was great hanging out with him. He said, he could hang for a bit and sit outside at his family’s house since it was really nice out. I was hesitant, but agreed since I knew I was leaving back for home in a few days and most likely wouldn’t see him again. By the time we arrived at his family’s house, my head had the spins and I really didn’t feel well. I told him I didn’t feel well and that this wasn’t the best idea. He told me to sit down, he turned the t.v. on and got me a glass of water. He said he understood and then said it wasn’t a problem. He said go ahead and crash in there and he pointed to A SPARE ROOM. He said I could sleep it off and then he’d take me home. I layed down and just as I was ready to pass out the bed moved and I realized he laid down next to me. I told him I didn’t realize it was his room…he pointed to a room, it was dark all I saw was a bed and that I could lay on the couch, he said no. He grabbed my face and started kissing me. I was petrified and he was able to tell. He said, he just wanted to kiss. I told him I couldn’t and he kept kissing me all over my face and he felt so good. I told myself it was wrong, but that I could deal with just kissing. We kept kissing and I was floored. Here’s this attractive man who I have all this in common with, who I’ve known for years and I’m making out with him. He pulled me from my thoughts and said, he couldn’t do this…that it was too difficult to not go farther. I told him I’m sorry and that I couldn’t. He said he would deal and kept kissing me. I started to get dizzy again and pulled away to pass out. He kept kissing me as I was half way passed out and he disappeared. I started to doze off again and I felt the bed move and he was on top of me kissing me again…this time unbuttoning my pants. I said no and he stopped and then he disappeared again and he was pulling off my pants. I was really slow at moving and before I could sit up, he was on top of me again and this time inside me. I said no and tried to move, but he didn’t budge. He’s into body building and is really big and strong…I didn’t stand a chance. He kept kissing me and just proceeded. I dozed in and out several times and woke up a few hours later. I swallowed hard and realized where I was and that all my clothes were off. I panicked and must have jerked the bed, because he immediately got up and wrapped himself around me. I felt wet stuff on my leg and started crying when I realized what happened. I had the biggest lump and in my throat and just wanted to die! He said everything was okay and that he wouldn’t tell anyone and that I had a great body and that he couldn’t get enough of it. I hated him! I hated myself and wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare…I felt like I’d become one of those horrible women who care only about themselves and have no respect what so ever for marriage. I was shell shocked, panicked, scared and at a loss for words. He tried to make me laugh and I couldn’t…I was at a loss for words with everything that happened.

He drove me back to my hotel and on the way there said, there’s always been something between us, that he doesn’t view me any different than before and that he’d always talk about it if *I* ever needed too…S.O.B. . I couldn’t say anything. He said that he really liked me and that if I wasn’t married that he would want to date me…if I ever would. Again, I was too shocked at anything. I went up to my room and balled. I called my friend and she immediately came over. I told her everything that happened, everything he said and she cried with me and just held me. She tried to ask me more about how I said no and I just kept crying. I simply told I said no, but that I was too drunk to enforce it and really defend myself. She told me that from pictures she’d seen of him, that it probably wouldn’t have made a difference do to his size. I told he I just felt guilty and that it was all my fault. She tried to convince me other wise, but I just wouldn’t listen. She stayed with me the rest of the time I was in town. I lost 12 pounds and four days. I was a wreck. I couldn’t eat, sleep, barely talk and this worse part about it was that I hate to paste on a smile to see my family. I had to be sad, heart broken, lonely and just feel disgusted at myself all alone. He called me and texted me the rest of the time I was there. He said he wanted to meet up again, asked me to dinner, to talk…totally wanting more I guessed or was trying to hoover me. I couldn’t see him. I did keep talking to him and texting and he was trying to keep things light and playful. I just didn’t want to see him…it was a reminder of something I didn’t want. I knew my husband and I were having issues…but not enough for what happen to take place.

When my husband picked me up from the airport, he noticed my weight loss and I told him I had been working out a lot and just wasn’t feeling well. I had that knot in my throat because I had to lie to him…it was a horrible feeling. But I told myself it was my felt and that I had to suffer through it. I felt like it was too late and that I’d become something that I despised…I cheated on a man who loves and cares about me…is there anything worse? These were my thoughts. It broke my heart to not be truthful, but I was angry at myself and embarrassed and ashamed…so ashamed. I didn’t want to hurt him like that…I would rather die than hurt him. We hadn’t been getting along, but he didn’t deserve to be hurt. After I arrived back home, the N was ruthless with contact. I decided that I had to talk about that night, because the morning I woke up in his bed with him there was evidence that he didn’t use protection the whole time and these freaked me out. I’d only ever slept with my husband…there had been no one else. That S.O.B had the audacity to compliment me on asking a good question! Ugh! As if I wasn’t intelligent! He told me he’d only been unprotected with two people, his ex-wife and his crazy ex-GF. My intuition kicked into high gear and told me not to believe him and I didn’t. I had my ob-gyn appointment coming up that month and I had her thoroughly check me out…I was fine. Thank gosh!

So there I was, back home with my husband confused, an absolute wreck and having no one I could talk too…having to grieve what I’d done. I’d never felt so alone in my life. I kept thinking how if my husband knew, he would be devastated, he would leave me and I would be left with nothing but the memories of being with someone who even then, I knew could never give me what I needed…love, a home, stability, someone to share a life with, someone to grow old with and someone who loved me and accepted me for me regardless of what I looked like. I knew back then that my ex-N could NEVER in a million years provide that for me. I knew then that his actions were selfish…I knew it took the two of us to have what happened that one fateful night, but something just wasn’t right and I didn’t know what exactly that was…until now…fast forward six years.

I felt hopeless and categorized myself as one of those women who went outside her marriage…it hurt to think of what I had done. The ex-N kept being ruthless with contact…I wondered if it was possible that he could actually care about me. He said all the right things, but again, something didn’t feel right. Again, it was my intuition telling me something…I just couldn’t understand what exactly. I saw the ex-N every time I went back home to visit…which averages about three times per year. While I was there, he wanted to see me. However, I began noticing that when I left, he was right back to being a playboy. It didn’t take long for his false self to crack. He would say one thing and his actions would show me something completely different. While I was in town visiting he always wanted something physical, but he also wanted to use me as a dumping ground…at the time, I thought this bizarre. He would brag about his conquests and how all these women wanted him. I felt like he was talking to me as a guy and it was difficult for me to listen. I started to feel as if I should feel special being with him. My self esteem was at an all time low though and some how in a warped way, I felt good that a guy as good looking as him desired me and kept after me. I was doomed at that point, because he had me under his spell. I continued to allow me to use me as a dumping ground and use me physically when I came to town. I thought, after all, I’ve already been labeled as one of those women…who else would want me? My marriage continued to have problems and I felt like a shell of a person and it was horrible. My ex-N took up all my time when I wasn’t working or working on course work as a med-student. I started noticing that even when I was hanging out with friends, I wasn’t really there…I was always thinking about him and wondering if he needed to talk. My mind was so consumed and it was mentally taxing, as well as, physically. I just didn’t know how I could be any better than him with what I had done. I felt like he still accepted me despite the fact that I had gone outside my marriage…I was so f*cked up from everything…from my low self esteem growing up and from what transpired with him.

There was one particular situation that changed everything though. He met this new girl around the new year (2010). He stopped contacting me, became distant and more or less put me on the back burner. He was slow to respond to my text messages if he ever did. He started only speaking to me once a week and when he did, he would dump on me about this new girl. He started comparing her to me…right over the phone. I never cried to him, but when I use to get off of the phone, I would ball. He started to make me feel even worse about myself then I already had. He would ask me my opinions about things pertaining to her and then tell me how she was just like me. This would upset me, because he was hurting my feelings and then more or less trying to make me approve of who he was replacing me with…it was like I was no longer good enough. I was confused, hurt and just didn’t understand what was happening. He continued telling me that this girl who seemed really trashy (upon appearance and the way she behaved) was just like me. He sent me numerous emails with her pictures and I just couldn’t take it. He was using me as his new standard of what he was looking for intellectually and success wise. I started to get mad and that’s when the first D&D took place. I started to emotionally move away from him and decided something had to change. I spoke to my husband and told him that I wanted us to move our separate ways. My husband was so hurt, was devastated that I was thinking the way I was…he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving the way I was and he missed us. Inside my head, I was dying…because he cared and loved me and wanted a future with me. He told me he realized I missed being out west and would be willing to consider moving in the future. This floored me, because he does not like the west coast and is very difficult when it comes to change. It was then that I realized that we had a chance…that he was willing to do what was needed to make me happy and be with me. He suggested counseling and it was then that I agreed and decided that I wanted nothing physical with the ex-N ever again. I started telling myself I could get back to the good person I was and that I didn’t like the person I had become with the ex-N…all he did was hurt me and make me feel not good enough. I was sick of it. I knew deep down I was better than that and that I just needed to work things out.

At this point I decided the ex-N and I could just try to be friends. This was a mistake…I know now. I was home visiting and I agreed to meet up with him and just do coffee/lunch or dinner. We ended up meeting up and I had a drink and we talked. He ended up calling one of his other friends and we met up with him. A group of us ended up going out, he had too much to drink and was texting another girl while we were hanging out. I didn’t care at that point because we were just friends. I told him I was going to take off since it was late and he told me to take him with me. I told him I’d drop him off at home or anywhere else, but that I was going back home to sleep. He told me to take him back with him and that he’d have his new girl pick up there. I agreed. We waited and waited and there was no girl. I told him I was going up and that I’d talk to him tomorrow…he said no and that he didn’t want to wait by himself. I started going up and he came with me and I told him I wasn’t sleeping with him. He said fine. I gave him a pillow and pointed to the patio of my hotel room. He went out, I closed the door but left it unlocked in case he needed to use the bathroom…HUGE MISTAKE. I went bed and slept for a few hours and woke up to the pillow being thrown on the bed and him getting into bed. It was there that he proceeded to take advantage of me. I kept telling him no repeatedly and pretty loud. I don’t know how I did it, but I but I was faced down and bucked him off of me. He finally got up and I looked at him with teary eyes and panting. I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and that I told him no. His response to me was, “What? I read you wrong!” I was furious! He got up and started getting dressed. I was shaky, scared and irate. I told him to leave and that he was scary. He became irate and totally denied everything…said he was sorry and was refusing to believe what he just did/tried to do. He left and I couldn’t sleep. My nerves with shot and I called my girlfriend to come over to be with me. She was irate and told me to never see him or talk to him again. The entire day the ex-N called and left me four messages. The last, being that he felt bad for what happened and to please call him. I finally called and blew up at him. He didn’t seem that phased and I felt like his apologies were hollow…now I know why.

We kept in contact, but not as much and I never was the same after that last trip. He had women come and go. Anytime he didn’t have someone paying attention to him, he would contact me. The last time we had contact, he was talking to a nineteen year old girl. She was only in town for a few more weeks and he said he was going to entertain her for awhile and then when she was about to leave, he’d break things off. He had his entire plan layed out. I couldn’t stick around to watch him with another girl. He had already done enough damage to me emotionally, physically and mentally. He started comparing this nineteen year old girl to me and telling me that she was similar to me…I didn’t listen. He started a new job during this time too. He inflated his salary requirements drastically…almost double. He told me that now that he started his new job that he was done with young girls and wanted to start hanging out with more people who were of “his status”…referring to education, made the salary (his new one) he made and that were raised in upper middle class families. That was last straw…this hurt immensely. It hurt because he has done nothing but made me feel like I am not good enough. I was raised by a single parent, I educated myself, but was not raised like him and I’m changing careers and I’m a med-student. He has done nothing but wreak havoc on my life and I couldn’t have him in my life anymore…he made me feel like I was nothing.

I kept doing research online for why I was feeling the way I was feeling and that is how I found this site. My husband and I went through marriage counseling and are stronger than ever. I started seeing a therapist for myself regarding everything that happened with the ex-N and I continue to come on to this site for guidance, support and help. I’m sorry that my story is so long. There’s more, but what I’ve written is the meat all that’s happened. I’m happy to answer any questions for anyone who feels they can proffer any other useful information and or opinions. I’m grateful for all feedback in my healing/processing.

Love,
TovaBella