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Trauma bonding is not love .

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#1 Jul 24 - 3AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Trauma bonding is not love .

When you are in the middle of a war zone of a narc relationship we unwittingly bond to our abuser which makes leaving near impossible , its very easy to mistake the feeling of trauma bonding for love but the two things are very diffrent , in fact they are complete opposites.
If you are in a relationship where every fiber of youre being feels you should be running for the door but youre feet are made of lead its important to correctly label that feeling and not romance the feeling into a positive which is love .
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Happy Sunday lovely ladies Scoop x

Jul 27 - 4AM
Survivor101
Survivor101's picture

Thank you

Thanks for posting this. When I first heard about trauma bonding it was like someone switched on the lights somehow it made sense and I wasn't going crazy after all.
Jul 24 - 1PM
Swan
Swan's picture

thanks

Thank you for all the support. I am never let down when I come here for support, kind words and reassurance. Thank you. I feel better now since taking a long hike in the sun and nature. I just have to remind myself of who I was before Narchole when I get in those really dark places like this morning.
Jul 24 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Swan

Getting back to who you where takes time and you almost have to carve out a simpler life for yourself as you heal . Last summer i spent lots of time on the river watching the wildlife pass me by , there was 2 swans (Swan :) ) who has signets 7 of them and i watched them grow up and get stronger and it just helped me focus on life and the wonders of nature . Im so proud that we can provide a place of safty for you. You are doing so well .. Scoop x
Jul 24 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Swan
Swan's picture

scoop

but I am not doing well. I keep going back for more...please sir, may I have some more...abuse? I am pathetic and weak. I have no family and now no friends so when I get so lonely and overwhelmed with that emptiness, I give in and go back. Its good for a week, a day, or a few hours but it always ALWAYS ends up with him raging at me over the stupidest things or calling me horribly mean names. Just a cruel person and I keep going back for more. I wish I understood why I do. Its like I have no control over myself and he is a cult leader telling me to commit suicide!
Jul 25 - 2AM (Reply to #10)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Swan i think we all come to

Swan i think we all come to the point of NC in our own time , we have to have had enough , we have had to come to the conclusion that it dosnt matter what we do to try and make the relationship work it fails and we get abused . Basicly we have to get to the point of realizing that banging youre head on a brick wall hurts and we doing want to be hurt anymore . For me it was a small incident that broke the camels back , my narc wanted to go to a meeting that was 100 miles away and the only way to get there was by car , my narc dosent drive because he is far too important and busy smoking dope to ever take lessons let alone hold down a job long enough to buy a car so it was my job as dutiful stepford wife to drive him on a 200 mile round trip , on the way back i asked him if he would buy me a diet coke at the service station and he said "no i dont have any money " ... and that was it , something snapped in me , i find it strange that such a little thing would kick off nc but thinking about it 2 weeks before he had been violent and i guess it was pure anger that was my motivation , i was seething rage and it was that rage that gave me the strenght to stay away and cut him out of my life ... I didnt have anyone to lean on apart from this board , no one understood , my family and friends all knew i was hurting but i couldnt find anyone to relate to me . Looking back though that real sickening pain didnt last that long on the whole sceem of things but it has made me so strong now .. Its a simple equation , do you stay and let the pain go one for ever or do you leave and only have the pain for a little while , one way is the route to happyness and the other isnt . We are all here for you .. Scoop x
Jul 25 - 3AM (Reply to #11)
Swan
Swan's picture

scoop

Wise words. Ones I will definitely mull over today while on a peaceful meditating walk.
Jul 24 - 5AM
Swan
Swan's picture

trauma bonding

I am definitely trauma bonded to my Narchole. I just can't permanently break free no matter what heinous, disgusting thing he does or says to me. I hate myself for this. How does one break that trauma bond? I can't stop crying today for all that I have endured, for all I have let him continue to do to me, for all that I have lost, including my self respect. I hate myself.
Jul 24 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan

It's a tough road. Realize that if you don't stop he will become more hideous and disgusting. It's like when you think you have hit bottom you find out the bottom has a basement. It just gets uglier and uglier. There is no enjoyment left whatsoever. All that is left is more opportunities for him to degrade you. Please don't go there. I know the last thing you want to do is remember the most despicable thing he said or did to you, but I find bringing up that very thing every time I start to convince myself he is anything but a mean, abusive, miserable excuse for a human being, makes me confident that NC is the only way to go. Keep reading and posting. Having someone to share your feelings with is crucial. xxx, Ruby
Jul 24 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

{{hugs}}

Please don't hate yourself. These men/women get the best of us -- the smartest, kindest, most genuine of us. I have a friend who is a psychologist, is happily married, and *still* got sucked in by a narc from her past! As for me, CharlieSheenWinning was outright cruel, nasty, rude, and intolerable. But in between those times he was sweet, funny, fun, and sexy. It's those times that kept me on the hook. How do I know he was awful? There is not ONE person I can think of who would have wanted me to stay with him -- and they didn't even know the half of how horrid he was! Still, I stayed. Stick with us on this board. Get out all your frustrations, feelings, etc. here. Go to a therapist, too. Talk, read, talk more, read more. The fog will lift, you'll gain clarity, and most important you'll gain strength. It's hard as hell. But you're already on your way. You're facing how terrible he is. Don't waste your energy on hating yourself because you're just simply like all of us here -- a person who was sucked in and wants to get out. Focus on what will get you away from him. {{more hugs}}
Jul 24 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

Swan, we have all trauma

Swan, we have all trauma bonded to our N to some extent. i too endured and put up with more than i ever thought i would. my memories bring back such humiliation and sadness. but i can feel that i am moving on, i don't think about him 24/7, i have other relationships. while i do still see him occasionally (i know this isn't good, but it makes the emotional separation easier for me) i have come so far from the horribleness of last summer. how long has it been for you? please be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up for being human, you were so manipulated! all you're doing now is opening your eyes to it as the smart woman you are. surely and slowly take steps to do other things that don't involve him. get therapy, take meds if you have to, one step at a time. big hug today Swan, breathe, think and dream of a better life and take some steps to get there!
Jul 24 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Swan

Don't hate yourself! The best way to recover from what you are going through is therapy. Seek out counseling. There is no shame in that's and you really need the help of a professional for this type of situation. Honestly, there are some things we just can't and shouldn't try to get through ourselves. My best to you in your healing.
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes- find a compassionate knowledgeable therapist!

it makes all the difference...to me it has been the support I need to continue every blessed day of NC. NO MORE ABUSE. I am too worthy of love and kindness to give this sick man one more bit of my heart. You too sweetie. But in the hard hard process of letting go and NC- DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! that can keep you going back to him....baby steps and then bigger steps and then a whole day of NC, then a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. Sending big big love! this is so so true ( from the article) If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured.