Traumatic Grief: How losing your N is just like a real death

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#1 Aug 8 - 6PM
Arwen
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Traumatic Grief: How losing your N is just like a real death

I have been thinking about how much anxiety and depression I have had since the D&D with ex N, and how sudden, shocking and fast the whole thing happened. I realized today that losing my x N in this way - very traumatic and dramatic, is pretty much exactly like experiencing the sudden or traumatic death of any other loved one. Please have a look at this amazing article and see how your feelings and experiences with grieving the narc compare with the actual traumatic loss of a loved one. I hope it helps in your understanding of what you are going through. HUGS

www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/accident2.html

Aug 10 - 9PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

we need to fully experience all the grief in order to heal

Doing "grief work" is imperative during this time for all of us....really feeling all of the loss, sadness, shock and despair...hold yourself..let the wailing come..don't hold back.... I truly believe that allowing the feelings IS a necessary part of our evolving and healing from this deep pain. So many people stifle and numb pain.it will only come up again. the body holds it in memory... treat this loss like a sudden death..that is what it is- we will go through much of the same as a woman who lost her husband suddenly AND more so- because we were abused by the one we loved. it is so so complex. that is why a good therapist can be integral to our path of healing. I am right here with you good women- in mourning...shedding lots of tears..curling up in ball and wailing...and knowing that with this release- I am beginning to take back mySelf. Blessings to all of you!
Aug 9 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

It is so true Arwin

I have long considered my grieving to be the same as it would be at the death of the friend/lover who I believed was real. The final discard was very quick in my case and when it came, not expected. It takes a long time to heal from that kind of loss of a loved one and being hard on ourselves for not getting over the relationship or him more quickly (just because he became abusive and is a narc), is unnecessary self punishment after the fact in my opinion. Our feelings were very real and just because for them it wasn't, that knowledge does NOT diminish how we are affected by the loss emotionally. I think it is important we allow ourselves to grieve it fully in order to let go and move on. Thanks for sharing! Journey on...

Journey on...

Aug 10 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not only is it like grieving

Not only is it like grieving a death, but a death where you also discover unfathomable deceit and betrayal. According to Thomas Sheridan, it IS a death because they killed off their false persona. The "person" you fell in love with never existed, so it's incredibly traumatic coming to grips with that realization too.
Aug 10 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Smitten yes..the realization,

Smitten yes..the realization, the shock of you have been living with and they suddenly die/leave is intense as hell. My father did this with his sudden suicide, intentional or not. I then had to go back and remember my non-life with him.
Aug 9 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Arwen
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Journey I wish I had like a

Journey I wish I had like a year to just sit and cry. :(
Aug 9 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
strongblackcoffee
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Arwen

You can cry your eyes out! You will be in a much better place in a year! I feel your pain. My therapist has me reading a book about abandonment. Sudden loss. It is traumatic, be gentle with yourself. Grieving is part of healing. Hugs Coffee;
Aug 10 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Strong coffee I think I will

Strong coffee I think I will just make myself cry...get some songs that bring it up and weep.
Aug 9 - 8AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

Thanks for posting!

It's helpful to see this comparison, Arwen. Great post! It really is like a death! Whether it's the loss of a real person, or an "imaginary man", it's still the loss of something and someone that felt so real to us and meant the whole world. It comes as a shock and we're left in the cold harsh aftermath to try to figure out what the heck just happened. These are the parts from the website I found most interesting and helpful... "The grief response following sudden loss is often intensified since there is little to no opportunity to prepare for the loss, say good-bye, finish unfinished business or prepare for bereavement. Families and friends are suddenly forced to face the loss of a loved one instantaneously and without warning. This type of loss can generate intense grief responses such as shock, anger, guilt, sudden depression, despair and hopelessness. "A sudden tragic event shatters our sense of order and thrusts us into a world forever changed. Survivors of sudden loss may experience a greater sense of vulnerability and heightened anxiety. The safe world we once knew, no longer exists. We fear for ourselves, our family and friends. Survivors can become overwhelmingly preoccupied with thoughts that such a random act of violence might happen again. "Along with the primary loss of the person, families and loved ones may experience concurrent crises and multiple secondary losses: lost income, loss of home, loss of social status. The role the loved one held in the family is gone. It takes time for the family to reorganize. Family may be left feeling in a state of perpetual disarray with a lingering sense of unease and disorganization. Marital and other family relationships can become strained. "Additional problems arise if the grieving survivor was involved with the disaster or was physically injured. Memories of the accident or the disaster may dominate the person's mind. They may be taken up with feelings of numbness, unreality and fear. The bereaved person may suffer from "survivor guilt," wondering why they survived when others have died and believing that they could have or should have done more to prevent the tragedy. "The reaction to sudden deaths can be further complicated if the death is due to a violent act. If there is a trial, the grieving process may be unduly prolonged, stretching out to the time it takes for the trial. It may be particularly difficult on the family if the killer of their loved one is not be caught or goes unpunished" Trying to make it through the grieving process currently, as i am sure is true for many of us on this board. This i will refer back to as often as necessary.... "Basics on Coping for the Survivor It is important for the grieving person to take care of him/herself following a sudden loss. He/she is dealing with an event that is beyond his/her control. One way of helping is to do things that help re-establish the person’s sense of control over their world. It is also important to focus on the basics the body needs for day-to-day survival: Maintain a normal routine. Even if it is difficult to do regular activities, try to anyway. Putting more structure into a daily routine will help one to feel more in control. Get enough sleep, at least plenty of rest. It may be helpful to keep lists, write notes, or keep a schedule. Try and get some regular exercise. This can help relieve stress and tension. Keep a balanced diet. Watch out for junk food, or high calorie comfort food binges. Drink plenty of water. Drink alcohol in moderation. Alcohol should not be used as a way of masking the pain. Do what comforts, sustains & recharges. Remember other difficult times and how you have survived them. Draw upon the inner strength. Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time." And, i think i would add a couple things to this list that have been helping me get through, i think. (i'm trying!).... .....NO CONTACT (s/he is DEAD NOW!) .....Forgive YOURSELF .....Be patient So totally a work in progress... striving toward healing one day at a time! Thanks again for this great post Arwen!
Aug 9 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Student I am so thrilled that

Student I am so thrilled that this post helped you...I really have been focusing in on how much I feel like this breakup has been a death to me. I liked your additions to everything on the list. There is also something called complicated grief which is something I think all of us should Google and pay attention to. Hugs and hope you are ok. We're all gonna get through this together.
Aug 8 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Early on...

Towards the end of the final D&D, one of my friends was very dismissive of my feelings, basically a "How DARE you mourn the end of this relationship as if it were a real one!" It was only later, as I gradually unpeeled the layers, I showed how it had been traumatic from the beginning. The final D&D also coincided with a friend's death after a long battle with cancer that had wasted him away. My friend couldn't understand why I was grieving, why I was crying myself to sleep. She condemned me for idolizing the ex-Psych prof... but then I showed her that if he had had HIS way, she wouldn't have seen me at church over all those years, going to Bible studies, that I would have cut HER out of my life. That came as a shock. To HER. It shocked her... because she realized that this was a TEACHER she was dealing with, not a fellow classmate who I would've probably left sooner (or kicked to the curb) As she said, "He treated you terribly, and he's not even your boyfriend." Once, I was crying by the coffee shop during the final D&D and a friend of mine from Bible study said I was like someone mourning a death. We have to be able to accept our feelings in order to move on. Denying them, burying them, doesn't help. It breeds neurosis.
Aug 9 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Susan I love your posts and

Susan I love your posts and your friend was bang on - you were mourning a death. And I am also seeing that I can't stuff these feelings down. I try not to cry because I need to keep it together for the kids and work and I need to.