True Narc or just narc behaviors?

I have been with my SO for 11 years, marred for 5. When I started reading the book and this forum, I felt like someone had been living my life with me for the last 20 years. My first wife was a text book aggressive Narc, and I am frightened to think my current wife is a text book passive narc. Unbelievable.

My question is, how do you tell the difference between a true narc and someone that has narc behavior issues? Is it a matter of how many different traits of the 9 she has? Is it a matter of some other determining factor? This is a big deal because if I follow the advice of the book and this forum, we are talking about divorce.

Had I known what I know now, I would have broken it off before we got married. In fact we did break up for 3 months, then back together, then she tried to break up but I said we could make it work. Then things got so bad I actually called a professional mental health provider who said based on my descriptions, she was a borderline and would never change. I thought that was a bit strong, but see now the wisdom of the professionals words.

I have seen it all, the screaming, belittling, silent treatment, she tells me what to do every second of the day because she just "knows how to do these things better". I have never heard her accept responsibility for anything, never heard the words "I'm sorry" unless they were followed by "but". Everyone else is at fault at all her jobs and she has been through many in the time I have known her...most, including the current one are part time. She is a RN if you can believe it...I wish she could observe, assess and diagnose herself.

Over the past years, she has threatened to leave several times. If I had know about NPD at that time I would have encouraged it. Instead I asked her to stay. I realize now it was likely a ploy. We did over a year of couples counseling at great expense. I can't believe the counselor did not even mention or apparently notice the NPD...but if he had that would have likely made for a very short time of treatment I guess.

My family have all come to me in the last couple weeks...I have been sick most of the year and they are really concerned that the stress is going to kill me. Constant flu, nausea, chest and arm pains at night and sometimes in the day, exhaustion as I have never known for weeks at a time. Surely there is a way to build some kind of wall of protection whereby I can survive this situation. Some days are better than others...however, if we are forced to be together non-stop for more than 24 hours (like on a trip or something) it becomes completely unbearable.

It seems that most on this site are in a marriage contract so have much more latitude to extract themselves from the situation. Is there anyone in a marriage with a narc that has been able to develop techniques or strategies to peaceably co-exist?

Finally...what is the difference between the membership levels on this forum other than the cost?

Thanks in advance for any help or suggestions that can be offered.