Trying NC, but scared

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Needshelp
Needshelp's picture
Trying NC, but scared

I am married but involved in an affair with a man who I believe is a narc. He at least displays some attributes and tendencies. I have only been involved with him for 4 months, but he is insisting that I leave my husband for him now. He has pretended to give me time, but always comes back a few days later insisting I file for divorce. It means nothing to him that I have 2 small children.

Now I know it is my fault for getting involved, and I take full responsibility for that. I want to end it now, and have been unsuccessful. He's the one who always tries to end it, and if I agree with him that it should end he gets very angry. He threatens to tell or harm my husband. If I go NC I am afraid of what he might do. Help!

5kdznme
5kdznme's picture
If this
is only 4 months in, the time when things are usually still butterflies and jujubees, RED FLAG. You have to protect yourself, your children. You obviously have something missing in your marriage to look outside of it, but for the love of God, towards and N is just major disaster waiting to happen. Go no contact and run run run!
empath
empath's picture
needshelp
Extract yourself from this abusive controlling relationshit ...it all happened so quickly and intensely and if you go completely NC, the fog will lift and you will know what to do to handle the situation as you go through it. Do not act on whatever feelings of guilt he is able to trigger in you with his hoovering, it is all about him trying to control you. Don,t let him. You may need to seek outside help from law enforcement officials if he persists in pursuing you. Keep reading and start gathering up the strength you need to get out and stay out. Trust in all of us here who tell you that contact with him is toxic and you must take your control back and get him out of your life for good. Your marriage is already at risk, that you will have to deal with regardless. That is a seperate issue to be dealt with free of influence from the abusive N.
Journey
Journey's picture
In my opinion end it asap!
In my opinion end it asap! Chances are they are hollow threats, but it will only get worse from here if you continue allowing him any power over you at all. I agree with others, if he tells your husband or goes near him deal with it then and DON'T let fear stop you from doing what you need to do - stay away from this disordered crazy! Luckily its ONLY been 4 months... NC NC NC!!!

Journey on...

Needshelp
Needshelp's picture
Thanks for your responses. I
Thanks for your responses. I know I need to go NC, but as you know it is easier said than done. Especially now after getting an "I love you and I'm sorry I'm doing this to you" text. I start to feel guilty then. When he's abusive and devaluing me I feel like I can do it. I know that this is exactly the reason why I need to do it though. I know that these nice texts are just another tactic of his, right?
Journey
Journey's picture
I'm sorry, but he does not
I'm sorry, but he does not love you and he is not sorry for doing this to you. To you it may seem like love in the way he can express it, but it is far from what real love is. Yes, the nice texts are a hoovering tactic and every abuser does this after abusing. They ALL act like they will never do it again but ALWAYS will. Don't let him create guilt in you about HIM, if you feel guilt, it is likely misplaced under the circumstances and that would be confusing you emotionally. Stay away to gain some clarity, it's the only way!

Journey on...

indenial
indenial's picture
yep dead right
Threats, guilt, emotional blackmail, tears, suicide threats, threats to kill you or your loved ones. These nuts will try anything when they lose control. My ex n has tried it all. During the worst one 6 months ago he threatened to shoot me and then himself and then he eventually said you know I will never let you go, you will never have anyone else and his eyes were so black and scary I pacified him and went back to him for 6 more months of hell !! He even drove at me in his 4x4 while I was driving my car and wrote my car off ! He could have killed me or at least seriously injured me ! Well all I can say is luckily I am still here to tell the tale. Don't be fooled by the nice texts. They know what works. Its really hard but you can do it.
indenial
indenial's picture
and just to add if this helps
My ex n started these threats 18 months ago and they kept me going back to him time and time again because I'd become so worn down with fear but fingers crossed he hasn't done anything and I've ended the relationship 5 weeks now. Its been a bit scary. He went quiet then hoovered and then a few days ago there were a few veiled threats and I was worried he was going to do something stupid to me but I think the others are right it controlled me before so he thinks it will control me now. Its his last resort
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
Stop allowing him to control
Stop allowing him to control you. If you want to end it, than end it. And if he theatens to tell your husband, say "go right ahead" and cross that bridge when you come to it. He more than likely won't, but if he does, you will find a way to deal with that then. By allowing him to threaten you, to hold this over your head, you are giving him all the power. Let the chips fall where they may and rebuild from there. Either way that I am looking at it, rebuilding within the marriage is necessary whether or not the narc spills the beans on you. Take back your life, go NC, stay away from the crippled man that wants to destroy you and your life. He needs to after all, because misery loves company.
Hunter
Hunter's picture
You got yourself into it..
You got yourself into it.. Get yourself out.. NC.. I'm 90% sure he won't do a thing.. If he does then you deal with it!! These guy like a have a perfect image.. Having an affair with a married woman is far from perfect.. He will find new supply.. If he threatens you it's going to be about control.. They are cowards.. Go NC... Hunter
Hermes
Hermes's picture
Just cut off
I have nothing to add to what Hunter has just said. After all, what is there to say?! Hermes
indenial
indenial's picture
please get out now
He sounds just like my ex n and the threats towards my partner who I did eventually separate from got worse and worse and I ended up staying for 2 and a half years ! If he really is an n his treatment of you will become horrendous if you leave your husband ! Then the games really will begin ! You've got two choices here. You either take the chance now and end this, he may or may not tell or attempt to harm your husband but hopefully not seeing as its only 4 months in. Or you can give in to his threats and stay in the affair with him and possibly leave your husband. I think choice number 2 will without doubt have dire consequences. So I'd be brave and opt for choice two. A normal person wouldn't make these threats whether he's a narc or not. Good luck to you
indenial
indenial's picture
sorry
I mean opt for choice one ! My brain is still scrambled from the narcs crazy making ! Lol. Tell him you want to end the relationship and stand your ground with him. Do not be intimidated by his threats. Tell him you will go to the police. Keep us posted how you are doing. You really will find lots of support here x