Turned a major corner - wanted to share

My passive aggressive narcissistic ex has been gone from my life for almost a year. This time of year brings back a lot of memories, so I got out my old journal last night. I've done this a lot over the past months, for a number of reasons, but I hadn't reread the July 2010 entries for awhile.

As I was reading, remembering what was going on on this particular date and what came in the weeks after, I could feel all those old feelings coming back: the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the agony, crying, depression, anxiety, being blamed for our fights, his selfishness, his game-playing, his silent treatments, the broken promises, wondering what the hell was going on, why wouldn't he talk to me, feeling him pulling away, why the "psycho bitch" and not me, all of it. I could feel it coming over me until it felt real again, like I was right back in it, just like I always did when I reread that journal. But something different happened this time: For the very first time, I thought of him with the floozy he took up with after me, and I found myself thinking, "She can have him. Let him inflict all of this on her. I don't deserve it. I don't want it."

I'd always recognized how much calmer my life is now that he's not in it, but this was the first time I really, truly realized completely just how PEACEFUL it is. No waiting with baited breath for phone calls that never come. No wondering why he isn't calling me back. No obsessing over what went wrong. No wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with. No feeling let down after a wonderful night with him when everything seemed so intimate and perfect. No dealing with secrecy. No walking on eggshells to keep from upsetting him. No making excuses for his behavior. No anxiety attacks. No depression. No crying for hours on end. No trying to make myself be what I think he wants. No never knowing if plans are actually going to come through this time or if he's going to flake. No constant sense of being off-balance. There's NONE of that. I have my LIFE back, and I've had it back for quite some time. I'm more relaxed now than I've been since he first swooped in and swept me off my feet. I feel freer from him now than I ever have.

It was torture. How did I ever get through it? I can't even say "deal with" it because there WAS no dealing - it was just surviving minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, the mental torture he put me through. I'll always be grateful that there was no physical abuse, no raging, no threats, no belittlement of me - I never felt afraid of him, and I still don't. But he wrought emotional hell on me. I can't believe I put up with it for so long. If he hadn't decided to just walk out of my life with no explanation, how much longer would I have stayed and continued to try to make it work? I honestly don't know.

I admit that yeah, I still miss him sometimes - I miss him when he was at his best and nicest. I never thought I'd get to the point where I wouldn't want to be back with him, and I'd be okay with the thought of him with the bitch who came after me (I still don't like her all that much, though - sorry). But I can finally, finally say, "Better her than me." I've reached a milestone. :-)

So to all of you wonderful ladies who are still struggling and hurting and thinking it will never, ever get better - I'm here to tell you that I thought that, too. And I'm so glad to report that I WAS WRONG. It DOES get better. It happens so slowly, without your even realizing it. Time and distance really do make a difference. You can think more clearly, feel more clearly, and realize what peace is really like. You get yourself back, and you finally feel strong enough to say that you're not going to let him take you away from YOU again.

We're all going to be okay again. :-)