twisted's story

I met my exN when I was in college. We dated casually for only a few weeks and then went our seperate ways.
We met again by chance several years later, and something immediately began. He was dating someone and broke up with her for me. I was 24.

Things were magical. He left flowers on my car when I was working an overnight shift. He left me little silly love notes. He would tell me all the time how lucky he was. He was charming and charismatic and hilarious and so smart. He was cocky, but I was young and I liked it. For the first year I was on cloud nine. We had passion and a connection and we got eachother on an intellectual level and we laughed all the time. We were so in sync. We were so going somewhere. He adored me. It still makes me sad to look back on pictures of us from those times and think of how it all changed.

A year and a half into our relationship, his father died. I think this was the trigger that really set his narcissism into action. He started to change after that. He started to get very negative about everything, a very "poor me, I'm meant to suffer" attitude. For a long time I excused and forgave his moodiness as understanding that he was mourning a terrible loss. I went out of my way and above and beyond to try and make him feel better. I started to feel him pulling away.

Then for the next few years it was the roller coaster. We moved in together after 2 years and we lived together for the next 5, total we were together 7 years. But really by year 3, I was starting to get frustrated with his attitude and started to notice his selfishness, his contradictory speech, his hypocritical words, his bravado, his general lack of effort and his 'dish it out but can't take it' kind of personality. He even had a personal mantra "Bitches love me." (why didn't I pay closer attention??) But, then we had good moments. A kiss that reminded me of what we really had. A laughing fit together that seemed to lift the fog. I felt like we had something so special and so worth it that I wasn't phased by the inconsistencies and started to wonder if maybe I was over-reacting.

We were still involved with friends and family during this time, we'd go out socially, attend functions, go camping, travel, etc...it still felt like we were a couple. We'd make plans and I felt important and included and he made an effort to participate in events and such. We would do things together.

About this time, around year 3, he up and decided to quit his job as an Architectural Draftsman, and become an Actor. Yes, an Actor. Because I was so desperately in love with him, I saw it as brave not stupid, and I defended him to the nay-sayers and tried to support him. The last work function he ever brought me to was a BBQ at his Boss' house, in year 3. Once he changed jobs, I never got invited to another work function again.

So he began pursuing acting, and to supplement got a job as a dining room supervisor. He began making new friends, meeting new people, keeping different hours. This was the start of the end. He would tell me about things happening in his life but started to seem less interested in stories I wanted to tell him. I felt disappointed and let down a lot. We would have fights that errupted out of nowhere, and it was extremely difficult to get him to see my point of view on anything, however he would claim the same. That I was the impossible and difficult one. That it was me that didn't 'get it'.' That I had to figure out another way to communicate with him. He started to attack me with insults and character assassination as well. I'd ask him what his problem was and he'd point at me and say "YOU." He'd call me a child, a victim, weak, helpless, spiteful, etc. He would expect so much of me but do nothing in return, claim he expected nothing but then get mad at me for not doing things right. Compromise was non existant because he never held up his end of the bargain. He'd tell me to stop nagging him, but then get angry if I didn't remind him of things. I found I was breaking rules I didn't even know existed. My head spun. The tension that grew was very thick. I felt damned if you do and damned if you don't. So I started to twist myself into knots trying to figure him out and get back into his good books. I tried everything. The only thing that ever worked was telling him he was right, doing something for him, or praising him.

His temper started to become scary, and after a while the fights would escalate into a screaming match and if I didn't back down he would fly into more of a rage and come at me. A few times he pushed me, sometimes knocking me right down. Then he started strangling me. The look in his eyes was like a rabid animal. He would always blame me later for pushing him to it. He also did a lot of property damage - he put many holes in our walls and broke a wardrobe door once. It got to the point that once a fight escalated, he would shove me out of the room and hold the door closed on me. I don't know why this one stands out but once during a fight he put up his arm, pointed at the door and said "GO." I fought back telling him how dare he speak to me like I was a dog. He would always say to me 'you do stuff too you know. You're not exactly innocent.' I did, I tried to defend myself.

Slowly he started to go out more and more and exclude me. I would hear from friends that they had all gotten together and ask why I wasn't there but meanwhile he had told me it was only going to be the guys, I wouldn't have fun, or some other reason I shouldn't be going. He kept everything seperate. He started to isolate me totally. If I ever went out without him, he got insanely jealous, and would ask me if anyone had hit on me. When I started at a new company, he'd ask if there was anyone I had a crush on. He'd question me all the time and demand answers but then tell me that I talked too much and that he 'hated questions. So don't ask me questions.'

He started coming in later and later, 3 am...4...5...6. With no explantion as to where he was. He started to shut me out completely. My work and sleep were suffering due to his schedule. He never made any effort to compromise. He thought I needed to lighten up and he always turned it back on me for being the bad guy. Once, just ONCE, I stayed late at my sister's because we were having a good time, and he texted me like crazy thinking I was doing something bad. He didn't speak to me for a week after that because he accused me of doing it on purpose to be spiteful and he would never do that to me and that I was a child. He stopped making an effort for functions and missed important events because he had an acting class or baseball playoffs. We even had to schedule my birthday dinner around his house league ball game. He would never have said 'it's your birthday, that comes first, I can miss one game.' It became that if he had no other plans, then we could watch a movie or something. I was his last choice. And when I told him that he said it was my fault. Why would he want to spend time with me when all I ever did was give him shit. Truthfully though, when it was something that he wanted to do, everything else could wait. He even left my best friend's wedding rehersal dinner to go play baseball.

Every now and then, I'd catch a rare glimpe of the person I knew he was - a look or a smile or a touch - and it would fill me up again. And it bought him time and me hope.

Around year 5 he stopped wanting to have sex wth me but only if I was the one to initiate it. If I tried, he'd pull away and say 'get off me.' If I persisted, he'd get angry, tell me to stop making him feel guilty and accuse me of ruining the night. Most times, this would result in the silent treatment for days. For a long time prior, sex and romance had been dwindling anyway, he'd tell me I was unrealistic and wanted a movie. Really, all I was asking for was initmate time together. But, then when he wanted it, and I wasn't in the mood, he'd persist and try to wear me down. He wouldn't give up. He never forced himself on me sexually, but he acted exactly how he told me he hated. Also, I knew for a long time that he'd been watching porn on the computer at night. He come in late, go hide in the office and watch it. He'd turn down sex with me and later on that same night be jerking off in the other room to internet porn. He had files of it 'hidden' on his computer. I felt humiliated.

He began lying to me about everything. Big things, little things. Even when I knew better and could call him on it he'd still find a way to silver tongue his way out of it and turn it back on me as being crazy.

He would either be totally out of control (scary temper) or scarily in control - sitting there so smugly while he wound me up by deflecting everything and it would look like I was the crazy one. I used to say he was like Teflon because nothing ever stuck to him.

He started coming and going as he pleased and hanging out with people I didn't know. He talked in "I", not "We." He began locking his phone and computer. He began staying out not only until the wee hours of the morning but also pretty much every night. His routine became: sleep in all day, wake up and go right to video games or the computer, ask me to make him coffee or food, (or some days not talk to me at all) and then leave and not come home all night, and give me no idea of where he was. Our conversations became like this: You going out? Yeah. Where? I don't know. With who? eye roll and no answer. Turn his back to me and tune me out.

So I started snooping. I managed to figure out his email password and a few times was able to see texts on his phone. He was womanizing behind my back. There were all kinds of messages to girls. Found out he'd been going to strip clubs, picking up women at bars, flirting, and I even found a list of girl's names that looked like a harem list, and it looked like if he hadn't actually cheated on me he had certainly way crossed the line. It looked like he was collecting girls on the side.

Anytime I wanted to do anything (movies, amusement park, dinner) he'd say it was too expensive. But then I'd check his wallet before he went out for the night and it would be stuffed with wads of cash.

I felt like an unwanted guest in my own home. I didn't know who this person was anymore. He was so good at the hot and cold that even when the cold took over I still wanted to fix it, I still was crazy in love with him and the thought of losing him scared me. But at the same time, I felt like I had been treading water for so long I was just exhausted.

So I ended it, and as it led up to me moving out he acted like nothing was happening, kept doing the same behaviour. Acted like I barely existed. And I knew he started dating a few girls before I even moved out. But of course lied to me about it, over and over to my face. One night he came into our bedroom in the middle of the night, sat on the bed where I was sleeping, and he seemed to be back to who he was 7 years ago. He said he was going crazy and were we doing the right thing? He told me he loved me and he put his hand on me with such sincerity it made my cry because I hadn't felt that in so so long. I said let's go have a smoke together. And by the time we got from the bedroom to the office to have a smoke, he changed. Less than one minute. He turned cold and said "there's nothing to talk about." and shut me out and turned away from me and went on the computer, leaving me sitting there confused, hurt, baffled, astonished, angry, and like a fool.

I started to try and find answers by doing internet searches. I started looking up commitment-phobic men, emotionally unavailable men, and narcissism. It all fit.

The day I moved out he wasn't there. He didn't say good bye. After 7 years it ended in the most anti-clamatic fashion, and with no closure at all. I just left. By this time, after starting to date him at 24...now I was 31. With nothing to show for it except my residual internal messiness. I was devastated. And I felt like a shell of myself. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I felt like I knew him better at the beginning of our relationship rather than at the end. We didn't get closer over time, we got farther apart. We became like roomates, like strangers. I feel like we started somewhere and then kept unravelling, instead of growing together. It felt like the relationship had played out backwards.

He started to play the games with me though after I had moved out, texting me that he missed me and loved me, but then not doing anything about it. He would say he wanted to come over and then not show up. He would send me messages saying he was thinking about me. He would tell me he was a mess. But the messages were only ever that, just messages with no action. He swore adamently to me that he wasn't seeing anyone, so I got together with him and slept with him, and it felt like the 'old' him that I loved. I missed him so much. But then he went back to disappearing again. I later found out he had been seeing someone and been lying all over the place. To her, to me, he literally had friends on red alert watching his back. He is a master manipulator. He went through a bevy of women after me, and still sends me the sporadic attention seeking screw me up message. And always, there's never follow up. This OW, who he now claims to be in love with, I know he already cheated on her, not only with me, but again. And I'm sure she doesn't know that he still sends me messages. He's a fantastic liar - this much at least I know. I can't help obsess over them though, for 7 years I heard him say he doesn't like blondes - she's blonde. And she has a huge rack which is the kind of porn he used to watch - all about big boobs. I can't help feel jealous even though I know I haven't lost anything of value. I'm still mourning what I thought I had and where I thought it was going. It didn't turn out how I thought it was going to at all.

It's more than 2 years later now and I'm feeling much better. I'm starting to feel like myself again. I know I'll be forever changed but I feel like I learned a lot too and grew very strong from it. It took a very long time, with a lot of work to untangle myself from him. I withdrew for a long time, and nobody really understood. I felt lost. It all felt so wrong. So twisted.

I do remember though, how well I slept those first few nights on my own. I was wondering what he was up to, but then, I wondered that when I was still with him.

I'm grateful for finding others that understand what it's like to be with someone like this!

Some more of my stories of the things that happened are posted on the more specific topic forums.

Thank you! I'm so happy I found this site!