A vent.. A nightmare.. And a THANK YOU.

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare. It has triggered anger in me. No sadness, just anger. In the nightmare, he showed up on my doorstep. We had arranged to meet again, the next day.
Of course, true to form, he did not show. But, I saw his car parked not far from where we were supposedly to meet. He obviously wanted me to see it..he was probably watching and getting a hit from my growing anxiety. In this nightmare, I began to walk down the street. Tears streaming down my face. Knowing that yet again, I allowed myself to be conned; to trust, to believe.
Fool. That is how I woke up. Crying. And feeling such a fool.
Oh boy. Has that proven to me, that in NC, it is not only the way to healing but absolutely vital
to physical and psychological health.
To expect a person to live up to their word, is NOT " DEMANDING "
He brainwashed, over and over and over again,
how special, how important, I was, to him.. over and over and over..
How much he liked me. Loved me, Even. ......
How he wanted to " let our relationship evolve naturally ".. to " go slow ".
And so I waited. And waited. And waited.
And watched.
And I did not like what I saw. I became tired, of waiting.
And when I called him on it, he told me that I was " rude ". " Displeasing " him. " Demanding." ......
Hell no!, babicakes.. I asked for no more than any healthy self respecting person would have asked for.
FOR YOU TO LIVE UP TO YOUR WORD.
For your ACTIONS, and your words, to match.
They never did.
Fuck you.
I did the right thing.
And that nightmare......that has just reinforced it.
My life is good. In fact, my life is great.
And today I am angry. Void of sadness. Because my self blame my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, they came from your MISTREATMENT of me.
I do not own that shit. It is yours.
Yes I allowed it.
In the name of love.
And yes I sure did love you.
Absolutely and absolutely, you are the master of disguise. Of deceit. Of manipulation.
A sadistic cruel ruthless master of the lie.
And thank you a thousand times over, to all of those who helped me to see that.