Very Bad Trigger - Not doing good!

So I take my boys to go to a side job today for someone (helps to pay the bills) and the conversation turns to a story about how customer was at a party day before labor day and xN and OW and OW kid was there. This was a party I was told about the day of the party and I just didn't feel like finding out where and when and dragging my kids out there.

Anyways, I kid you not, the mere mention of the xN just really seems to be a trigger. I just really can't believe how I am affected by it. We were eating lunch out and I had to go back and use the restroom, the whole lunch left me.

I have dinner tickets for a fundraiser with a good friend of mine tonight. I am picking her up. She is older and widowed. But she knows some of this mess and her pat response is always "just get him out of your head". I didn't tell her much in the recent past. And I certainly won't tell her about this little breakdown.

I was doing OK. When a thought would come that was paranoid, I would tell myself - "you don't know for sure if he would go. He hasn't gone in the past. and you will be surrounded by people who love you. It's a safe place in a huge banquet room. God is with you". And it passes.

Now I say to my customer, I can't even talk about him (xN). I get physical reactions. I've been struggling for months and even though I am getting ST or I am NC, whatever, for 6 weeks, I do am not much better it seems, when he is brought up as a topic.

On the ride home with my boys I called a friend. I got the if I don't feel safe I can always leave speech or I can call my widow friend and just say I'm not going. It's nobody's business or choice but mine.

And I'm crying and all rushing thoughts of OW. And hwy her? Rehashing what customer said to me. OW kid was there. OW looks really young. And it's all running in my head. Full speed. And I'm crying. And I'm trying like hell to get out of the spin and it's not working.

And the truth is, as I sit and cry here again and type... I really really believed his BS. And it really really hurts that I believed it for that long. It just hurts. I know he is an N. I know he is not real. At all. I know OW is getting what I got and it may last a while and it may not. I am literally afraid for that poor little kid. I sometimes say prayers that God would wisen OW up quicker than I did so she doesn't have to sacrifice years.

But it hurts. I thought I felt persecuted, and I kind of do, but the truth is, it just really fucking hurts cuz everything I believed in was a lie. EVERYTHING.

I have so much good in my life. I have beautiful boys full of love. i have a great job and great friends and a great family. I am loved by many.

But I am living in paranoia and fear and pain. Now, granted, the pain is not every day anymore. I have had alot of good days. But this stupid trigger of a stupid conversation and I just feel horrible. I crapped out my whole lunch, I couldn't keep it together in the car driving. I am so sick of handing it all over to xN. He isn't even around. He has finally left me alone and I'm still handing it over.

I want to be done. I want to be done so bad. I want to just be able to live every day and not be affected if his stupid name is mentioned.

Stupid customer said "I was actually a bit happy for him". I almost threw up on the table. I thought OMG. happy for him? He has another victim. And the poor little girl he is dragging thru this shit.

And I also feel like wtf? how does a person as fucked up as him manage to get another person to love them and be in a relationship and I can't manage to even love myself on a regular basis?

It hurts. More than I think I realized. That I was duped. All the way thru to the wedding. And it was all lies. And to think of all the other friendships and relationship I let fall to the wayside because I was so busy trying to be the right person to make that relationship with xN work out. And I willingly gave in to sex with him when we clearly weren't together because I thought if I did that it would make him come back and make him love me and I feel sick and I want it to stop. I don't not want to have to feel this. I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid and used. I thought I was doing really well all things considered, but right now, I really feel stupid and used and it sucks.

round3