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Was I Wrong For Filing For Divorce?

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#1 Apr 3 - 12AM
Mell
Mell's picture

Was I Wrong For Filing For Divorce?

I am new to all of this and have found this site and one other one. I am a bit disturbed by the reply I got from the Administrator of the site.

The response was the following:

"Wow, you filed for divorce the next day without going to counseling or anything? That's unusual, unless of course, he has cheated before. There comes a point when a woman gives up on 'the man' and redirects HOPE towards herself."

WITHOUT GOING TO COUNSELING??? WTF-I thought these A-holes were "incurable" and "unable to change"??

I feel guilty enough already (don't need assistance with THAT).

Opinions ladies? Did I do the right thing by filing? I have asked myself that question a hundred times in the past week, but I wasn't expecting the above response from an "NPD support site."

Apr 3 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mell

HUH? Who would say that? You need to do what's right for you. Idealk
Apr 3 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Counseling

When My N started losing control over me, he insisted on counseling or else he would divorce me. So I went. What a waste of time. My N was more well read in pscyhology than the therapist. It was a manipulation & a waste of time -- just such hoop jumping. Then my N would use the therapist to abuse me. At home he woudl give me the silent treatment for three days saying: "Counselor says I'M 'flooded.' I cannot speak to you when I'm flooded." But if I walked away from verrbal abuse or a harangue: "You're detroying our marriage. You're showing me contempt. You're stonewalling me." After I left my N, I thougth maybe I should try to save the marriage. But, then i went to see the divorce lawyer within 3 days of leaving. I felt guilty. My girlfried said to me: "Why would anybody try to save a marriage with an abuser? Are you nuts?" And that was that! I was divorced within the year. Best decision I ever made.
Apr 3 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Hi Mel

Never doubt yourself when you listen to your gut, that is my new motto in life. i remember I was living with the Narc and out of the blue he said, lets go to counseling, when i heard his words, I thought the Hope diamond dropped on my lap, we went twice and that was it, the counselor told the narc he needed separate counseling for his depression, he never went on his own, his first wife said they went to many different cousnelors but did not good, he tried to outsmart the counselor and deflect anything negative about him, it was a waste of time,personality disorders cannot be cured as we all know.
Apr 3 - 6AM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Conseling

Been there, done that. First counselor didn't help the marriage (actually helped me but did nothing for the marriage bc someone can't change if they think nothing is wrong w them). Second try with someone new resulted in her ending the session early bc he acted like a total a-hole from the first minute. I think it's GREAT that you filed this early and didn't waste your time. In hindsight, I wish I had filed earlier and I'd already be done by now!!!
Apr 3 - 12AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mell

Was that comment on this site or the other site?
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
Mell
Mell's picture

The other site

The other site
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

PHEW...that was scary

Jesus! That had to be an imposter, and it was a NPD support forum? FOR VICTIMS or NARCS? There are boards to support the "abusers" too you know... No offense to Jesus' name...
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
Mell
Mell's picture

Jesus, I hear ya!! It was for

Jesus, I hear ya!! It was for VICTIMS (which is why I am thinking maybe they hired my N to work on their site-he probably charmed them too)!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #22)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That is just sick I can't believe that!

I mean I can, I'm not doubting you but OMG...that was the most uninformed, re-vitimizing, ignorant, bakwoods, barbaric, I'm running out of words here...disgusting, assainine suggestion to make... AND obviously, they don't know much about this "affliction" ugh! So glad you found us! Hugs!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #27)
Mell
Mell's picture

Thank you, Michele! I'm glad

Thank you, Michele! I'm glad to know it's not me just "being too sensitive." I had to re-read it a few times, just to make sure I was reading it correctly. I'm glad I found you guys too!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Michele115

Michele......tell us how you really feel!! LOL LOL!! I agree with every word!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #25)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sara...

I was actually practicing restraint...LMAO! Hugs! Really, that was some psychotic stuff on that board!!!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #26)
Mell
Mell's picture

LOL!! Yeah, I won't be

LOL!! Yeah, I won't be "visiting" there again!!! Especially since that is the VERY THING I have been struggling with. N has been saying things like that to me for the past 2 months or so. XOXO
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #24)
Mell
Mell's picture

LOL! LOL! Thanks for the

LOL! LOL! Thanks for the confirmation!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Michele115

Ya'll are killing me! I'm sitting alone laughing my ass off! Mell I don't mean to make light of your question but this entire 10 min conversation has confused the hell out of me and made me laugh hysterically! Jesus! No offense to Jesus' name!! LOL LOL Sometimes I feel like I'm so strung out from dealing with their stupidity that I find humor so refreshing on here and I get uncontrollable giggles which helps so much!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sara....

LOL ;) Hugs!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
Mell
Mell's picture

Sara--Honey, I am still

Sara--Honey, I am still laughing from comments you made 15 minutes ago, so you are not alone!! I am all about laughter and it feels damn good to BE laughing!
Apr 3 - 12AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MELL!

Please locate that thread the original and cut and paste and send to me via pvt message. do you know how to do that? go to the original thread, then go to the top bar where the http is...right click select copy then go to the messages section, and paste the link...please do this asap!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
Mell
Mell's picture

Okay, did it work?

Okay, did it work?
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I saw where you repostedf

What I'm trying to get clarification on but I think I misunderstood. That malarky was from ANOTHER support forum NOT here. Am I correct?
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #14)
Mell
Mell's picture

Correct-NOT ON THIS SITE.

Correct-NOT ON THIS SITE. SORRY, I should have clarified that better! No, THIS site is awesome, but I was taken back by the response on the other site.
Apr 3 - 12AM
Mell
Mell's picture

Good Grief--that sounds like

Good Grief--that sounds like something THE N WOULD SAY!!! Maybe he is moonlighting as a Administrator of their support board!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Mell

You crack me up! That is freaking hilarious!!!! I can't quit laughing! I must have missed that?? Which post was that on?
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
Mell
Mell's picture

THANKS-you got me laughing

THANKS-you got me laughing too-you're awesome! It was on this post-"Am I wrong for filing for divorce?" I am new to all of this and have found this site and one other one. I am a bit disturbed by the reply I got from the Administrator of the site. The response was the following: "Wow, you filed for divorce the next day without going to counseling or anything? That's unusual, unless of course, he has cheated before. There comes a point when a woman gives up on 'the man' and redirects HOPE towards herself." WITHOUT GOING TO COUNSELING??? WTF-I thought these A-holes were "incurable" and "unable to change"?? I feel guilty enough already (don't need assistance with THAT). Opinions ladies? Did I do the right thing by filing? I have asked myself that question a hundred times in the past week, but I wasn't expecting the above response from an "NPD support site."
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #10)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Ok I'm confused Mell

Was it on this site or another site?
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

LMAO!

Still laughing..........Baaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa! You have such a good sense of humor with all that is going on in your life! Good for you!
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
Mell
Mell's picture

Thank you--I am just a

Thank you--I am just a smartass according to N, BUT how on earth does the boy think I have dealt with him for this long without my sense of humor and smartass-ness??? : )
Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Mell

Amen sister! I'm sure your witty attitude and smartass come-backs drive him INSANE! It probably makes him feel stupid....and well he is stupid! Now to answer your question. HELL NO! You were not wrong in filing for divorce! He will not change and therapy will not change him unless HE can see that he has a problem and we all know he does not see he has a problem! You did the right thing and you seem to know that already. You have a lot of confidence in your decision.
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
Mell
Mell's picture

I must admit--I have enjoyed

I must admit--I have enjoyed messing with his mind with certain come-backs--I LOVE that deer-in-headlights look he has gotten in the past. He thinks he is being so darn clever and then along come a come-back that he was not prepared for--Gosh, I AM going to miss THAT! Thank you! I know I am new to the whole "N thang", but everything I have read says counseling is pointless for these types, so I was trippin' on the response. Anyway, thank you SO MUCH--you have made my evening fun!!!
Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Mell

Don't you LOVE messing with them! Mine is not bright so sometimes it's so easy! You have made my night by making me laugh! I don't do that enough. Read the post by TLSM. HILARIOUS! I went to the blog and read more and you should do the same. It's loaded with sarcasm so maybe it will give you more ammunition if you need it! LOL!!!