We Called Them 'Legends in Their Own Minds' and 'God's Gift to Women'

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#1 Nov 25 - 2PM
no more an echo
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We Called Them 'Legends in Their Own Minds' and 'God's Gift to Women'

Hello Ladies (and to the few Gentlemen here- change the pronouns!)

For awhile I have had these thoughts and I've been wanting to put this down on cyber-paper to share it with you:

Didn't we always know that these deranged men existed? If you did, then maybe you, like me, didn't have the correct, clinical terms- but we knew that these megalomaniacs were so selfish and just, well, "off". Before fully understanding personality disorders and how they present, my cronies and I called these self-absorbed men 'Legends in Their Own Minds' and 'God's Gift to Women', or simply 'Jerks' and 'Players'. We knew that we shared our planet with these Closeted Misogynists- yet the concept was so elusive...So many of us lacked the clinical vocabulary, but we didn't miss the signs.

These were men who:

~Loved the chase but not the relationship

~Were endless self-promoters

~Felt they had the right to call ALL the shots- and expected us to follow

~Had quick, convincing explanations to all your misgivings

~Had an air of being 'in high demand'

~Made us feel, after a while, as if we were expected to be nothing more than their pretty props and appreciative audiences

~Were obsessed with themselves, their voices, their personae, their opinions, their possessions

~Would go incommunicado for days/weeks but expected you to JUMP when called

~Had a bizarre sense of entitlement and so certain of their 'specialness'

~Felt they had done their part in the relationship by simply 'showing up'

~Seemed purposeful in their withholding and even punitive at times

~Kept everyone in their lives waiting...waiting... and waiting

~Were still displeased after getting their own way

~Contorted every disagreement until he had YOU apologizing for HIS wounded feelings

~Presented as passive-aggressive at times and not wholly 'in' the relationship

~Would need constant reminders that there were TWO people in the relationship

~Were quirky, fussy little Drama Queens- sensitive only to their own needs and feelings

~Made us feel as if we were constantly auditioning for the role of girlfriend or wife

~Viewed everything as a competition (and all their intimate encounters as performances)

~Played the Perpetual Victim/Blamed everyone for their disappointments in life, yet:

~Took ALL the credit when things went well

~Couldn't understand the concept of mutuality and equality in relationships

~Consistently gave us double-messages- especially when a request for clarity was made

~Devalued our contributions, our opinions and then, our very selves

~Seemed to thrive in ambiguous territory and always kept us guessing about their next moves

~Had a peculiar disdain for women and eventually began to mistreat us, too

This list is endless (feel free to add!)

Oh yes, we knew all the signs...Then it happened to us! HOW did it happen to us? Weren't these the destructive men that we warned our sisters about? The very cads that were slowly killing our girlfriends by whittling away at their self-esteem and exploiting their generosity?

And then we ourselves ended up dancing with that devil... (Chances are that you, like me, were in a most vulnerable place in your life when Mr. Narc targeted you- but that's a topic for another time).

For now, I just want to say how grateful I am that we now have names for these disorders and the crazy behavior that stems from their twisted ways of dealing with life and 'love'. I'm so pleased that I can now put my experience in a new light by using terms like:

~ D& D
~ Cognitive Dissonance
~Gaslighting
~The Hoover Maneuver
~Narc/Psychopath (Being more common in our populace than I once thought)
~Love-bombing
~Mask of Sanity
~No Contact

Thank God for books like Lisa's, websites such as this one (with members like you who 'get it'!) and the general availability of information on personality disorders! Finally! (I could have used these tools in my arsenal 20 years ago as I was struggling to deal with my child's father and various other PDIs in my life!)

How absolutely freeing it has been to understand the pathology of these character disorders! How that knowledge
is still helping me now as I deal with the wreckage of my past relationships. (I am fortunate, too, that my Last Tango with a Narc-Boy has also shed more light on my sick, exploitative relationships with family members and how I colluded with some of them).

I guess the whole point of this post was that I'm still dealing with some sad realizations that I allowed these
Disordered Ones (some girlfriends, too) to treat me with such disrespect. I felt like a yo-yo with these deranged
people because they only brought me close when they had a use for me. And they pushed me away if not...

And speaking of yo-yos, how many times did my boyfriends way-back-when dump me- completely out of the blue- only to try to suck me back in- days, weeks, or months later (There are NAMES for those CRAZY behaviors! Yay!) How many pedestals (of his making) did he HURL you off, Ladies?

The difference is that THIS TIME around, I understand. We were devalued and discarded because we no longer (*gasp*) viewed them as Demi-gods and Heroes. We were waiting for the relationship to grow and mature beyond the 'honeymoon phase' while they were out seeking a more worshipful replacement. That's just how they play.

It's not about us. (And if we stayed, it never, ever, would have been!) Their huge egos demanded that they be regarded as God's Gifts, Supermen and Legends-in-the-Making.

So, I'm happy that we're placing our focus on healing from all this and getting stronger and more Narc-proof. Chances are good that we will love again (hopefully a man that has the ability to love us back, next time!) But even if that doesn't happen, we have the capacity to love (and many other loving relationships)...And what about Mr. Wanna Be?

I don't think there's anything quite so pathetic as an aging NarcoPath- with or without his many props. Carly Simon says it best:

"... a legend's only a lonely boy when he goes home alone."

Nov 26 - 6AM
Portia
Portia's picture

Ode to Carly

Nov 25 - 8PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Great post, NMAE

Nov 25 - 4PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Omg yes Legends in their own

Nov 25 - 4PM
Sickofhim
Sickofhim's picture

Excellent post!!!! Your

Nov 25 - 3PM
Luv2bme
Luv2bme's picture

I didn't say that...,

Nov 25 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

being laughed at

Nov 25 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Butterflystar
Butterflystar's picture

In response to your question, Luv2bme

Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Luv2bme
Luv2bme's picture

Sadists and more

Nov 26 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Butterflystar
Butterflystar's picture

I will look up Narcissist Sociopath

Nov 25 - 2PM
Butterflystar
Butterflystar's picture

So True