Went home today...

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Aug 2 - 8AM (Reply to #16)
RubyWoo
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Thanks Ggrl :) I'm still

Thanks Ggrl :) I'm still debating whether to stay in that flat or find a different place. It's rent, so I can leave when I want with one month's notice, and I can afford it. Landlord is coming to get the rent for August on Sunday, and I think I won't say anything just yet. I'll just see how I feel after a couple weeks, see if I can stay there or I need to get out I guess. What I know for sure is I'm changing rooms. His side of the bed empty is too much for me right now... I always woke up and touched his back tattoo in the mornings :( This is so painful.
Aug 2 - 7AM
adoette
adoette's picture

RubyWoo

I haven't experienced that, RW, but let me say I'm sorry. I can't imagine. That has to be excruciating. I am thinking of you as you go forth. The visual emptiness has got to be such a sad reminder of what is gone. hugs to you, Adoette
Aug 2 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
RubyWoo
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Thank you Adoette :)The pain

Thank you Adoette :) The pain is excruciating. Everytime I got home and opened the door of the house, I would see him there watching his shows, or doing his thing. Now that will never happen again and I still can't wrap my head around it. I think I'll eventually look for a roommate, some nice girl my age to share the flat with. I don't have the strength to pack my stuff right now. When I went he came after a bit... he said he thought maybe he was making a mistake but he needed to be alone right now because he feels lost and confused and that maybe he will find it is not what he wants and come back... but I can't wait for him, right? Why does my heart want to believe he will be back? Will I feel different in a few weeks and actually NOT want him back? I feel so weak. He also said if I need him to stay now (my dad is in hospice) he would bring his stuff back and stay, but eventually he will need this. It was so hard walking out the door knowing the next time I am there, it will be just me.
Aug 2 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
adoette
adoette's picture

rubywoo

I think that one of the hardest things about transitioning out of a narc relationship is letting the habit part of it fade. We are used to a certain way with the narc and it becomes habitual, not always in a bad way. Like you being used to seeing him watching his shows, etc. I was so used to checking my phone a bazillion times a day (in this case, not a good thing) that it has taken me a long time to let go of that "habit". Time. Time. Time. Every time I see that there is nothing there from him, I take one step closer to sanity. As far as waiting for him, no, you cannot. Unless you want to sign up for another round of pain and chaos that will never end. The pain you are in now will end, because you are moving forward. The pain WITH the narc will never ever end. Never. Do not wait for him, sister. I believe we all want them back on a certain level at the beginning. If nothing else, we want them to come back so we can say "no" to them. We want them to want us. I think this is a very common/normal part of recovery. I am 4 months into NC, and no way do I want him back, and my higher self wants him to leave me the heck alone. That said, my ego wants him to contact me. (though he did this week and it has set me off, dang it....just a reminder to my ego that I do NOT want him to contact me) Hopefully you know this, but I want you to see it in print: What you are doing takes a ton of courage, strength, self-respect, and spunk. You are an amazing woman to be taking this step. Every step forward is a step you are not taking backwards. So, it's two for one! There is no way around the pain. I feel for you and it pains me that you have to go through this. Come to this forum as much as you can and be gentle with yourself. You are going through withdrawal and it will be brutal. Hang in there, RubyWoo. Do not do not do not let him back. Please do not. If you do, you will have to go through this all again. Do it now and go forward. You do not want to go through this pain twice. Stay strong, Adoette
Aug 2 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

I know what you say about the

I know what you say about the ego... I last saw him about 8 hours ago and I already wish he would call. I left the home to stay at my parents a bit until I can slowly stay there by myself. We held each other and kissed and cried together. I said I love him and he said he loves me too. I'm really confused as to how he can leave me and move his stuff out if he loves me. He says he will never be happy with anyone else and he is going to be miserable. Maybe he isn't a N? Either way, I have tried to explain I can't take him back if he leaves now. He is leaving at the worst time in my life when my dad in hospice. He says the last 2 years were horrible and I "treated him like shit and ignored him", then why did he stay until now?
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
Journey
Journey's picture

It is good you'll be staying

It is good you'll be staying with your parents right now - you will do better feeling their love and being there for them, even going through the heartache you are experiencing, than staying in the home you shared with your narc. My exN did the same thing as yours... he said he loved me and just needed to be on his own too. I was so confused how he could make plans to buy a place with me and then two months later say he had to leave. Thing is, NARCs don't make sense about this stuff because the are disordered. They change the rules, what they want and what they will do, from moment to moment. I didn't want mine to leave either - I completely understand how horrible this is feeling for you. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Thank you for understanding

Thank you for understanding Journey! Did he ever try to come back after he left you? How did you handle that?
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Journey
Journey's picture

He left all his house stuff

He left all his house stuff here in the beginning (he'd paid the rent to keep it here for a few months after HE left cause we were supposedly 'best' friends) During the final devaluing stage before the breakup, I had been used to him withholding sex and when he came back to town for a few days about five weeks after the breakup, he slept with me in 'our' bed. I wasn't about to initiate sex, I didn't think he wanted it anyway, and that's when he turned it around and initiated it with me (while reminding me that it was ONLY sex of course). That was the last time we had sex and the day after that I found out by accident that he had slept with someone else a couple of weeks previously. I was very upset and that is when his mask fell off. He raged, said he didn't even like women anymore and he was very cold and distant with me for awhile after that. Since then, he's never tried again to hoover me romantically. He had hooked up with someone else where he'd moved to (a different OW than the one I found out about and I don't know exactly when their relationship started, but the timeline suggests he began wooing her even before he broke up with me). So, at six weeks out of the 'relationship', I knew of the one night stand he'd had, but he lied to me about his new 'girlfriend' for months after. We were still connected with a couple of business projects at the time (I had no idea about NPD) and he was still insisting he just needed to be on his own and would 'always be my friend'. I have not had to deal with him coming back romantically since then. Even though we are supposedly still friends, he discarded everything about his life he had here while with me and it would seem even a short visit when he comes to town is too much bother for him now unless it is to pick up another item he might have left behind. In the same way yours left you to deal with the landlord, rental and maintenance stuff, mine left me to pack all his shit up (not of course the things that mattered most to him which he took asap when he left), but everything else cause he ran off in such a hurry. I still hear from mine from time to time cause of our bus ties and he has no idea I think he's a narc (which I only discovered a year after he left). I haven't felt it worth sharing with him cause having to remain in contact (even distantly as it is), the knowledge has helped me to gain my power back and the understanding of the disorder has helped immensely to make sense of the scrambled eggs of his thoughts, lies and behavior during our relationship and ever since. I do still sometimes miss the guy I fell in love with, but I have accepted now that he never really existed. THAT acceptance was painful, but it was the first sense of emotional freedom I've had since well before the final D&D. (we were together 2 yrs) Since that first sense of emotional freedom, it has gotten easier and easier to be happy he's gone. I no longer worry about what HE thinks of me, if he approves of what I do or what he does or who he does it with. I KNOW he is a liar and incapable of intimacy. He runs whenever there are any emotional demands put forth that any NORMAL person would naturally want to work through because they love the other. Not my ex. That is his cue to move on and from what I know he is the kind of narc that seldom looks back. He's too busy covering his trail of destruction and hunting new supply. Oh ya, ladies on online dating sites... I know he's often out there trolling - be warned! He comes in a charming, easy to look at, sexy package, promising of substance and enlightened understanding... NOT!

Journey on...

Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Thank you for understanding

Thank you for understanding Journey! Did he ever try to come back after he left you? How did you handle that?
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
adoette
adoette's picture

RubyWoo

At the point of leaving and kissing and crying, you both do believe that you love each other. Time will tell what that love really was. Until then, it just hurts like hell to sever it. Is your story posted somewhere yet? Not sure if he's a narc or not, but several of your statements about him smack of narcdom. (especially this post of yours: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/07/31/so-what-rock-bottom-feels) A narc will love you one day, move out the next. This is very classic narc behavior. But like you said, (very smart of you, btw) "I have tried to explain I can't take him back if he leaves now. He is leaving at the worst time in my life when my dad in hospice." He is TOTALLY giving you mixed messages, RW. YOU treated HIM like shit and ignored him? Do you believe this to be true? My gut tells me it is not. Narctalk: Say one thing, then contradict yourself: He loves you. He'll be miserable with anyone else. He has to leave. He made a mistake. He's leaving. He's reconsidering. Blah blah blah....contact you, ignore you....it is crazy making at it's finest. No wonder you're confused! Why did he stay until now? Because you are a f'n amazing woman, that's why. He has to blame you. It's who they are. It's what they do. Hang in there. Adoette
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
RubyWoo
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You're probably right, he's

You're probably right, he's just confusing me. But I have told him to just say it if he doesn't love me anymore. He keeps saying he does. I haven't posted my story yet, but I will soon (as soon as I gain some strength to start remembering, because the beautiful moments, the amazing idealization, was beyond words and will just get me down) Will he ever realise I was good, or will I always be the psycho in his eyes? Do they know, deep down?
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Mine said the same thing!!

That I never appreciated him enough, I wasn't affectionate enough. They are lacking something that we can never give them. I spent years trying to be good enough for him. Years!!! And he tells me that I wasn't happy. Well, try to change everything you are for someone else, it's not a way to live. My grandma was in hospice, I was staying with her three days and nights a week, I had a newborn baby the whole time. Sometimes I would have to choose: crying baby or gramma. It was horrible. And this is the time in my life he decides to find another woman and desert me. When I needs him the most. I am like you, how can we forgive someone who would leave us at these times? We need to become our own best friend. We will not betray or desert ourselfs.
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

So sorry about your grandma

So sorry about your grandma :( Mine said sometimes "you just want me to be as miserable as you are" That really shocked me, I am such an energetic happy person. Everyone at work keeps telling me how strong I am being through my dad's illness, always with a smile on my face even when I have tears rolling down. It feels horrible, not feeling good enough. I can't shake that feeling off and keep thinking if I was different he would be home now. It hurts that he will find another woman and marry her one day and be happy, and I couldn't didn't manage to do it.
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Journey
Journey's picture

You ARE an amazing woman and

You ARE an amazing woman and you ARE good enough. Oh Ruby, seriously, I felt EXACTLY the same way. Your fears are the same as mine were, I was as understanding, accommodating and as different as it was possible for me to be for him in order to make it work and that STILL WASN'T ENOUGH! From what I've read about your ex, I do think he is a narc. Rest your thoughts about him EVER finding someone else to marry and be happy with. Regardless of what he does or who he does it with... he will not be happier with anyone else (married or not) because narcs are incapable of following through with true love or intimacy - they just can't do it, it isn't in them to give to others. You have a much brighter and happier future on the other side of this painful time - I know it! Please believe it!!

Journey on...

Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

I think he is too... lots of

I think he is too... lots of traits. He thinks he is the hottest man in the world, and has a "higher purpose" in this world (literally he has said he wants the world to end because he thinks he has a role in that) He said to me "no one will ever be good enough for me because I'm better than everybody". Today he said he only went to therapy once because he can't stand talking to someone who is stupid and he can bullshit to and will buy it. Is it possible that I'm attached to the warm body next to me, the physical part of our relationship? The lovemaking, his arms around me while I sleep? I can't stop thinking I won't have that anymore. I am pretty easygoing, never once commented on his weed addiction or asked him to quit, never asked him to cook or clean up, not even to pay bills, I didn't put any demands on him. The only demand I put is that he took me with him SOMETIMES when he went to clubs with his friends. That he introduced me to people and showed he was proud of me. He has been texting a number of girls, I dont think he has cheated but definitely flirted. And then I get accused of being a "jealous freak" (he tells everyone this) insecure and controlling.