What do you think of this ?

Hello,

I wanted to share something regarding the abuse topic.

During the beginning of the "relationship" of course he acted somewhat normal lol.. you know on his bestest behaviour and you know we just had so much in common we were soul mates in his words.

He played the sympathy card alot!!!!
The stories of abuse that he endured as a child and growing up he would retell over and over and it was so bad that I sometimes felt faint from the horror I was hearing and I also of course felt sympathy.

But then of course things changed, he wasn't normal anymore.

The physical abuse and rages began and I was in shock!!
No one ever treated me this way before and he would blame me and his mother (whom he was enstranged from) that I should understand that he had this problem since he had endured abuse as a child.

Way back then I told him I wanted no contact cause of the abuse and got abused again and then he left (he had slowly moved in with me) cause I said this time I would call the police.

But of course we ended up back together.
After some time had gone by, I commented on how well we were getting along and that I was happy that he was keeping his word not to physically hurt me. (this is making me ill writing this)

His reply was "Well that isn't necessary anymore, I don't have to do that" "I can use other ways to keep you in line." "you know this relationship is only going to work if your submissive to me"

omg
This al happened in the first 8 mths of a decade of crazyness. Oh I am ashamed of that.

Then.... he tells me that after me of course me being concerned about birth control and I didn't like taking the depo needles, he says to me...
"Oh btw I had a vasectomy some time ago..so you don't have to worry about birth control any more,,I hate seeing you so stressed out every mth."

I was angry!! why did you wait to tell me this?
He said "well its really personal"
I recall saying to him omg you told me about all the abuse you endured as a child that to me is Very personal..but you kept this from me?!!!!
he replies well at least you don't have to worry about taking those needles (depo prevera) anymore>

Well I was relieved.
but 2 mths later..guess what? I was pregnant.
I went downsairs to show him the positive preg. test and he replied "Well at least we can concieve"
He knew my stance that IF I ever did become pregnant, that being a single mom of 2 young boys that I would definitely have a theraputic abortion.

It took some time before this was performed here in Canada, and had to have ultra sounds and wait for the date for the procedure and the emotional turmoil of doing what I thought was best for my family.

So for the next mth while I was waiting for the date for the appointment, he would comment'
"oh I bet its a little girl"
"Oh I bet she would be really a cute little baby"
"No I won't go with you or give you a ride, cause I can't be a part of murder"
He wouldn't admit if he was lying about the vesectomy and he never accused me of having sex with someone eles..it was one of the biggest mind game!!!
I said well you are Not my friend and I want you to leave now...So before he did, he made sure to rough me up..and was gone.

My girlfriend made sure I had my ride home and the nurse at the clinic told me that she didn't think that he had a vesectomy.

He waited a few wks... and even though I did have my locks chaged, I must have left the door unlocked cause I at 2 AM.
I was in bed sleeping, but was awoken with him standing over me with his you know what hanging out and he proceeded to have sex with me! My 2 boys were fast asleep and after all the drama I didn[t want to wake them with a scene. and I was groggy and well stupid.

So of course somehow I got sucked in again.he being all like nothing happened, but then all through out the decade of this crazyness I got to hear and let him get away with
"Your a baby butcher"
"How can I ever have respect for a women who murders a baby"
"Baby Killer"
and Not once would he answer my stupid question if he had a vesectomy or not!!!
he told me that my birth mother (we were both adopted)
"should have flushed me down the toilet"

He used this against me for way too many years and I dismissed it thinking that I was ok with My decesion and his words could not hurt me!!

Anyways my friends if you did read this thank you. cauase after being a member on this board for a year and a half I have shared finally and this is just the first year of a decade 'relationship" and wanna heal. from all the crazy making that never stopped.

and now writing what I just wrote, sharing, I feel ashamed that I remained with him for so many years...but I also feel good to get this out, and a little scared that I did put this in writing in public.

When he was physically abusive it was easier to detach and go no contact for I had the option of going to the police.
But obviously not enough to stop hoping that things would get better and allow him back into my life too many time to count.

Thank you for letting me share!!

Belinda