What if he really isn't a narcissist

If it Looks Like a Duck, Walks Like A Duck, Sounds Like a Duck…. ….it's PROBABLY a narcissistic duck! Also, you know how he made you feel. Even if he wasn't an N, the bottom line is he did not make you feel good about yourself and something inside told you that something just was NOT right or you wouldn't be here commenting. Trust that gut feeling and run with it. No matter what the circumstances are, it's never okay for someone to make you feel badly about yourself. And the fact that you feel "crazy" is exactly the way he wanted you to feel which is another tell tale sign that he's an N...

If you think he fits the description then you are most probably right. He has brainwashed you to discourage you from trusting your own instincts. You must regain this trust in yourself. Feeling confident about this is an important step. There are many experienced people on this message board and NO ONE here is telling you that you are wrong. What does that suggest?

quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck....or an N. Point is, you didn't get here for nothing. If he's 99%, I'd say that's close enough to 100%.

I remember so very well asking my old friend the Narc does he flirt with all the single ladies like he flirted with me during our reunion committee meetings. He said "My Mother taught me to be a Gentleman"(RF) and that he missed out on a relationship with me many years ago before I met my ex-H. (RF) He said "I also try to help my single female friends", because he knew a lot of guys don't treat their woman well. (RF) I can laugh now. He also said "I am just getting over a bad break up with a lady he wanted to settle down with and marry" and had bought her an engagement ring because her little girl asked him if he was going to be her new Daddy.(RF) Who proposes because the little girl asked him that ? not that he loved the Mother!!! The more I remember the more so much is making sense. (RF)= Red Flag!!! He is a millionaire and can buy anyone. I believe he is still selling drugs from when he was in Vietman, but his business went down because of the economy. So he sold some land that he owned to shore up his funds. He even hides his money in a hole in the floor of his house. He hates to pay taxes (don't we all) however he has to file to keep the IRS off his back. I said all of this because they come in all shapes, sizes, ages and colors. I know that I probably didn't help anyone with my rant but I need to get this stuff out of my head. I did have a good experience today my first grandson graduated from High School. Have a good weekend my friends and focus on the good in your lives. God Bless!!!

How to tell he is a narc 1. does he ever blame you for things that you have no control over. 2. does he badmouth his exes any of them even one ? 3.does he gaslight you? say one thing one day and the next day its something totslly different? 4. does he ignore you? these are just some ways to tell there are more . but these are the main ones how i can tell .

Well, if he ISN"T a narcissist, he sure has a hell of a lot of nerve going around acting like one 99% of the time!! If the shoe fits ( which it sounds like it does if he is displaying that many signs)......then there is a 99% chance he is a NARCISSIST and a 1% chance that he is.... some OTHER f'd up disorder. Either way, he is 100% messed up and toxic, whatever label or diagnosis he ends up with.

But on his last hoover attempt he told me he was narcisisstic and controlling and manipulative and he was working on himself...but that in 2-5 years he would be over his "crazy" phase (sexually) and he wanted to get married and I was the "ONLY" person he felt a connection and chemistry with. He is a messed up, sexually addicted functioning alcoholic, besides the lying and cheating. I told him I appreciated his oppenness and that he was aware of his issues (very big of him he had never opened up before). I almost fell for it but I told him we werent compatible because of his sexual ways and that I would never be good enough and I don't want that. The hoovering stopped for a month or so but then he came back even stronger. I believe he was lying again and just wanted to keep me as supply for the next few years, thinking I'd be hanging on his every word. Nope, not me!! I did question whether he would/will change someday and if he could live a normal life. By being on here, I've answered the question, but the doubts are still there, it is that 1% ugh

I love this quote... "Advice is what you aks for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't" -Anonymous Maybe it'll help. I agree they train us to question everything, I know I had questioned my own sanity and I come from a very normal family, I'm normal, etc.!!! Narc or not someone that emotionally abuses another person isn't a GOOD person and isn't someone you want to be with! Xoxox

I think we all got trained by our N's to question our selves, I know I did...but the pattern of behavior fits. Thinking of him as an N makes the things he did and said and my own reactions to it, make sense to me.

They WILL tell you who they are early of if you pay attention. Hindsight is 20/20 and now looking back there were so many 'jokes' on Mr. N's part that should have been red flags. One that stands out the most was when he mused that if he wasn't a believing Catholic he would be more a "sociopath". Yikes.

Doesn't matter. If he abuses you, you are better off without him. I don't need anyone to label my ex something for me to know he was a danger to my health, sanity, and life. He is a psychopath--it HELPS knowing that I didn't imagine what he was doing to me. I have read a lot about psychopathy, and he definitely matches up with the list of 'traits,' they all share. Not all, but most of the traits. So...narc or not. If you were abused, that's all that matters.

I struggle with this as well. But I think we struggle with this question more because we are doubting ourselves - not the narc. These narcs are so good at making us feel badly about ourselves and so when the problems begin, or when the relationship finally ends, we are programmed to look within ourselves for why this happened. We are way too quick to doubt ourselves or our reactions to the abuse. We don't even see their behavior toward us as abusive until we are hurting so intensely and start looking for answers. Does it really matter? Yes - in that knowing that THEY are the ones with the disorder can help us go easier on ourselves and regain our self-confidence more quickly. No - in that abuse is abuse. Whether they can be officially diagnosed with a disorder or they are just hateful assholes, we still need to recognize that we are in bad situations and need to flee. The struggle to feel strong and confident again is what takes some time. Removing all doubts about ourselves is the most important step in regaining our peace of mind.

I struggle with this too - or did. Then I figured that if he doesn't have NPD, it's almost even worse. If he does have it, at least there's an element of identified sickness that I can tell myself accounts for his behaviors; if not, then he's just a jerk. Either way, even though that's a 40 year relationship down the drain, 7 years of waiting for him gone, he needs to be out of my life, no matter how much that hurts me right now. One day at a time, you and I will get through this. We will.

My N is long distance and we were only together 5 months and saw each other once. Through email, texts, phone calls and one weird sexual encounter, I know without a doubt his is one. Many of these posts I could have written -- even the oddest details that people write (i.e. didn't wear underwear so he could be "ready") describe him. I thank God every day that I listened to my gut in the end (and also we had less and less contact so I was "unfogging" my brain cloud). I NEVER did get to see the really dark and nasty side of him BUT things he said (i.e. would "punish" me if I visited him) and forced me to do sexually on our one encounter were enough to satisfy my acceptance that I had just scratched the surface of what a Wackadoo he is. Not sure if they all do, but he did share a lot of his life details (women, sex, dating, etc.) since I was long distance and married. What did he have to lose? I know he ached for someone to be there for him since he was so lonely. I put it all together after I left him. And...I always knew he withheld details and that he was deeper and darker than he'd ever share. I could just "feel" he had a deep dark black hole. I always felt bad about myself after a call and I realized I wasn't my authentic self when I was with him. Hope this helps.

So, if he's not an N he is STILL an ASSCLOWN OR ASSHOLE!! He STILL Treated you badly!!

If it quakes like a duck, walks like a duck, …. its a Duck

think of it this way.... Either way, Narc or not he's not making you happy and he's wrong for you. Does it even matter?

even if he is only 99% N, that's bad enough that you should be away from him....

talk with a trained therapist, they will give you the added insight.

Denial is part of the grief cycle. I used to think, maybe it was not that mad. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SHIT! It was that mad, was always that bad and will ever more be that mad. Their disorder runs so deep in their personality that the medical profession states that their really is no helping them. There is hope for me. I can look at my denial when it comes up. Thank God its a lot less, almost never does, unless I break nc, then I get nuts. Keep educating yourself. The denial does go away. The cognitive dissonance takes a bit longer.