Where's my anger?

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#1 Dec 5 - 8PM
solost
solost's picture

Where's my anger?

Why can't I get angry? It's driving me nuts. When I try, it just turns into depression and self pity an "oh I miss him" blah blah blah. What the hell's wrong with me?
After everything he did to me, permanently damaged my relationship with my daughter, caused alot of pain to my son where the fuck is my anger???
Lucky for me my kids love me in spite of everything that's happened but I cannot forgive myself for allowing him to do the things he did an for allowing it to go on for as long as it did.
And knowing that if he hadn't dumped me I'd still be there. God I'm fucked up!
I want so bad to be able to find my anger and be able to put him behind me and heal myself an my poor kids. I went NC 7 months ago but I still hurt an cry almost everyday.
What's wrong with me? Will I ever get over this loser an have the life I was supposed to have with my children an not think about him anymore?
I know most of it is up to me; I must rebuild our lives an my relationship with my children, but I really feel I need to start by getting angry with him. But I can't find the anger.

Dec 6 - 4PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Sometimes we need to hate....

Like your Mom, I don't normally advocate hate, either. Its a wasted emotion. BUT... I will make an exception for Narcs, because they are pure EVIL. For those of you who are religious, The Word of God tells us to Hate EVIL. For me, it was also a survival technique. If the perspective is that Evil is something to loathe and to be avoided, then NC should be easier to maintain, in theory.
Dec 6 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You sound angry to me. You

You sound angry to me. You have a lot on your plate. Why do you need to get angry anyway? This is someone you once and maybe still love. It's hard to beleive people can treat others like this. Maybe you'll just skip getting angry. Is that such a bad thing? You are moving forward, that iswhat is important. It really hasn't been that long. Oxox
Dec 6 - 3AM
Ava
Ava's picture

Hi solost x

Your anger is still there & you are getting angry - just not at him. Yet. It will happen. That anger towards him will come. You're not fucked up & there's nothing "wrong" with you. And you will get over this loser. You will. What you're feeling right now is not an uncommon experience after being in an abusive relationship. It took me many months before I even began feeling any real solid inklings of anger towards my exN. I'd have angry spurts - like you say, I'd try to be angry, but then I'd just never be able to pull if off! I got to a point where I was asking myself if there was ANYTHING this man could've done to make me angry, because lying, cheating, stealing, using, physically abusing & then running off with a 21 year old leaving me almost bankrupt, desolate & heartbroken didn't seem to do it.... I don't know the details of why finding our anger is something that is hard for us for some time afterwards. I know for me, personally, a lot of it was that I always felt so guilty being angry at him - he was the perpetual victim, never "meant" to injure anyone & would sob with shame & beg my understanding & forgiveness if I ever got mad at him. I was conditioned [by him & as I've realised now, by others in my life] to believe that it was unfair & uncaring of me to be mad at him & I had no intrinsic right to be hurt or annoyed by him. And it took a long time to get away from that pattern of thinking. I think a lot of it is also shock & the overwhelming pain - these seem to come first before the anger really gets to kick in. And I think we also spend a good amount of energy being angry at ourselves first - I know I sure did; angry at myself for falling for him, angry for ignoring the red flags, angry for staying with him, angry for letting other people suffer because of my relationship with him and so angry at myself for essentially crashing & burning after the "break up." All I can really say is this though - it WILL happen. It WILL come. In the meantime, try not to be hard on yourself. And try not to push yourself. One thing I've truly learnt in this whole process is that we have to allow ourselves to feel all of it. I tried to rush processing it, "getting over" my feelings of love for him, forgiving him for all that he'd done so I could be the "bigger person." And the whole time I was beating myself up for how long it was all taking. But I've now realised how so very important it is to allow ourselves time to feel all that we're feeling - even if we think we shouldn't be feeling certain things [like missing them]. Be gentle on yourself & try not to direct that anger towards yourself. You're right in that this process is up to you but don't push yourself too hard & don't beat yourself up. "Getting over" the grief, the loss, the shock & the pain is also all part of it & unfortunately it does take time to heal - it is a GIANT wound and it takes time & often much looping through each phase, but it will happen. You will go to bed one day & realise you didn't cry that day. Then you'll go to bed another day & realise your anger towards him is starting to awaken. And then you will go to bed yet another day & realise you hadn't even thought of him at all that day. Hang in there. You will find that anger. And you will rebuild your life & your relationship with your children. And in the meantime, let yourself cry. I sobbed daily for months & months. Gotta get that stuff out! :) Ava xx

Ava

Dec 6 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I agree with Ava. You will

I agree with Ava. You will eventually get angry. I went for a couple of months right after the D&D where I was mostly sad and depressed. As time passed, and I had more and more hardship things in my life happen to me, I started moving into ANGRY at xnh. I fluctuated between many emotions (and still do). Sad, depressed, happy, strong, angry...and all the other emotions along the way. I finally got to the point where I told my mother one night on the phone, "I know that it's not supposed to be good to hate someone. However, I do. I HATE xnh. I HATE how he's hurt, used, and betrayed me at every turn. I HATE him for leading to me to believe that he's someone he really isn't. I HATE him for dumping me after 16 year of living with his b.s. I HATE him now because he won't just go away, and leave me alone. I'm sorry but I HATE him, HATE him, HATE him. I wish that he'd explode and burst into flames, and I want it to hurt him a LOT." I was expecting my mother to tell me that hating him would hurt me much more than it would hurt xnh. She didn't. She just said, "Well thank GOD you hate him. He deserves your hate. At least, now you're not just sad about the jerk." Her saying that, along with my admitting to myself that I'm ANGRY and I hate xnh, has been very cleansing. I'm now being honest with myself, and trying to overcome my life-long conditioning to be "nice". Don't push yourself or be hard on yourself. These emotions we feel are all normal. No one goes through this stuff the same way or at the same time. Whenever you're ready in your own way, you WILL feel the anger. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 6 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
solost
solost's picture

Thank you

Ladies for your answers, they were both SO comforting to me. You brought up things I hadn't thought about like being angry at myself for allowing all this to happen to me and my kids. And I'm angry that after everything he did I still wasn't the one who did the dumping.I SO wish I had been strong enough to dump him. I worry about turning the anger inward and becoming bitter; I really don't want to add anymore regrets on top of all that I already have.I thank God for this board, and all you fine compassionate ladies! If it weren't for you I'd be so much more lost than I already am. I know I'll be ok, I just need to be patient and keep reading.