Wherever You Go, There You Are

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#1 Nov 28 - 3PM

tresor2

Wherever You Go, There You Are

For me, this mantra says it all.

I guess I've become a boring entity on this site. My posts are no longer interesting and I have no more drama to share such as "he did that or this." I have the option to reflect on his past behaviors but, at this point, that doesn't serve me and only keeps me stuck. N hasn't treated me badly for a long time because he's out of my life and if I'm in pain, I caused it, not him.

Understanding NPD & APD is part of recovery but, once that's accomplished, I know I'm still left to deal with me, not him. I struggle with wanting N back in my life so I can be abused some more...that's the CD at work. I am still in partial denial of who he is and his evil illness but, the good new is that I'm finally getting to know me.

Not much is about N anymore. It's now about self examination and healing and being honest with myself about my character defects, faulty beliefs and long standing wounds. I didn't end up with N's by accident.

I'm still angry about being used, lied to and betrayed but, in a sense, I betrayed myself for the sake of a sick version of love which is also very narcissistic. The hardest thing to reconcile is that there are people in this world with no conscious who simply do not care. At one point, I couldn't relate to that but, I know now that pure evil exists. It can be disguised with good looks, status, wealth, charm, charisma, power and a bunch of other things but, it's nothing but a costume and I sure got fooled and remained in some serious denial for a long time.

I'm going out to purchase a punching bag now; for real. Life can be very unfair at times and I need to get out the anger. I've come full circle and realize that wherever I go, there I am. Change starts with me.

#2 Nov 29 - 1AM

uk lady

Tresor2

Firstly, your posts are never boring. Just be thankful that the drama has receeded and you are moving on. I am at your stage too. Very infrequently remember the good or the bad - it was all just a never ending saga of nothingness. The self examination aftermath is absolutely essential to help us with never ending up in the "nothingness" again. We deserve more and better. Keep working on yourself because you will reap dividends. Punchbag is a great idea and so is kick boxing to relieve the anger. So true, wherever I go, there, I am. And once we are finally through all the turmoil we will be so thankful that we are. Dee x

#3 Nov 28 - 4PM

ReclaimingPower

Oh my gosh

My very very very favorite post. Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been steeped in such sadness, a form of acceptance -- the loss of innocence and the awareness that the world is not just one long Disney movie. It just is. But with that awareness, is also what feels like new eyes. Seeing the past so clearly and now being able to see others differently and make better choices. But first, I still have to work through that sadness. Like the first few Christmases after you find out there really isn't a Santa Claus. More healing ahead but I've reclaimed that lost little girl and we are now growing up together, and with a whole host of new friends to boot. Thank you again.

#4 Nov 28 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

tresor2

RP - I'm realizing too, that in the end,

what's left is a lot of sadness. Great analogy about Santa...that's exactly what this feels like. Living in make believe can feel so good and so safe and now the bubble has burst. I feel like I'm raising myself all over again and as you said, reclaiming that lost little girl. Right now, my little girl wants to isolate and feels very safe alone which I know must eventually change. I think this is also part of healing and things will evolve the way they're supposed to.

#5 Nov 28 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

ReclaimingPower

Very vulnerable...

...and hypersensitive/protective. I am walking around with an Ipod and headphones for now. While it was good to some degree to live in that pollyanna bubble, I can see more clearly that when I thought I was drawn to certain guys in the past out of attraction, it was probably more about familiarity. The aloofness and arrogance, the detachment, the eventual charm. And it goes back to the neglect from my childhood and wanting so badly to be "seen" and loved back then. I see the pattern now with every man I've ever been with, it's frightening but I suppose a gift. I've always been turned off by guys who were interested in me. I am trying to give myself (inner child) that attention now so I don't unconsciously seek to "earn it" from someone else. Great analogy too on the "raising myself all over again" - that's exactly what this feels like -- I had to be brought back through this experience to find that little girl in me, so we could cry and heal together....and hopefully now grow up into one whole woman. BUT...one day at a time....and a punching bag here or there too. :)))

#6 Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

tresor2

I was also drawn to

the type of guys you describe. I attribute some of it to my "daddy" issues and the emotional unavailablity of my parents, due to their own trauma. Also, my first boyfriend was diagnosed as a psychopath by the military and in hindsite, I realize that the dreadful experience with him set me up for more of the same and caused a ton of damage. I had no idea what a healthy person/relationship looked like. It all became the "norm." It's definately one day at a time, and sometimes it's one minute at a time. I see the patterns too...we are still alive and can make the changes to break the cycle. I've had enough and I'm sure you feel the same too.

#7 Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

ReclaimingPower

Oh gosh, yes. I used to

Oh gosh, yes. I used to think I was in all the bad situations in my past to "bring light" and happiness and heal. But I didn't heal anything; I just kept walking away hurt or broken. Now I realize all those instances were there so I could WAKE UP and see things as they are so I can recognize them and make better choices. I was once told that the universe sends subtle hints again and again to give you an opportunity to "get" and learn the lesson, but if you don't get it, they pull out the bat and whack you. If the N isn't a whack in the head, I don't know what is! :)

#8 Nov 28 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

tresor2

Yes, the universe

will continue to put the same situations in front of us until we learn the lessons. Maybe the N's are here to help us wake up, thereby guiding us to live spiritual and conscious lives. They are the turbo boosts that lead us to our awakenings. I hate that we had to suffer so much to learn our lessons but, so it is.

#9 Nov 28 - 3PM

nancyh

Tresor, When I first heard

Tresor, When I first heard that quote (your mantra) a year ago, it clicked immediately. Like you, the immediate N drama is over (thank God & everyone on this forum) & I am left to deal w/me & a lifetime of emotional/psychological baggage - but that's okay. At least I know the "source" of my irrational actions (staying w/N despite the mind games/abuse) & can focus my energy on me. I could have written this post word-by-word. I'm in between meetings or I'd write some more. Thanks for posting. Here's to working on us! Nan

Nan

#10 Nov 28 - 3PM

spinning

Tres, I'm going to rewrite the script

on this one... "I guess I've become a boring entity on this site. My posts are no longer interesting and I have no more drama to share such as "he did that or this." I have the option to reflect on his past behaviors but, at this point, that doesn't serve me and only keeps me stuck. N hasn't treated me badly for a long time because he's out of my life and if I'm in pain, I caused it, not him." Oh, contrare, my dear sweet Tres. This very paragraph is why your posts are so interesting and SO IMPORTANT. This is, after all, a forum about RECOVERY and you, my friend, have worked very hard to recover. As have I. And it's a process. And I'm still working through it too. I'm about right where you are (sans punching bag...I torch things lol!!). I realize that I am the only being responsible for my suffering and/or my happiness and joy. I have light inside of me as do you. Shining that light is what it's all about now. WHERE EVER WE GO, THERE WE ARE! HOW AWESOME! HOW LIBERATING! HOW CHALLENGING! HOW POTENTIALLY EXHILIRATING!!! It is what we make it and I'm determined to make it f'n good! Tres, please continue to share your very insightful posts. They are not in the least boring...frankly all the N focus and drama is so predictable it bores me. Hugs to you and hit the bag a couple of times for me, too! I'll burn a note in your honor!! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING AT ALL THE FREEDOM AND POSSIBILITIES!

spinning

#11 Nov 28 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

tresor2

Thank you Spinning,

I really needed some support and encouragement. The reality of it is that it's all starting to hit hard. I promise I'll hit the bag for you, several times...anything that helps.

#12 Nov 28 - 3PM

Hunter

This is an excellent short

This is an excellent short but sweet post... WOW!!! Well said and good for you. WOW! Hunter

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