Why am I all about closure? Ugh...yes, broke NC

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#1 Apr 8 - 9PM

Deidre40

Why am I all about closure? Ugh...yes, broke NC

But...don't worry. It's back in force. lol I know.

Let me explain what happened. So...the texts continued throughout the day...into the evening. Went to dinner with my daughter, he left voicemails. He can change his voice when he wishes to, to appear...calm and nice. His voicemails were basically...'Dee, talk to me. I hope you had a good day...''

One of them was...''Hey wife...I miss you.'' He called me wife a lot. Another red flag being we have been dating for two months.

So, my daughter and I get home...and I decide to sit outside on the porch. Phone rings....it's him. I decided to pick it up. Not sure why, but...I did. He was shocked I picked up. He said...''I didn't expect to get you. How are you?''

We talked. He went on and on about how he missed me, and how he wants to get back to the way things were. I am not saying much, just listening.

THEN? I decided to voice my opinion. What a mistake...he turned everything around to look like it was my fault. He said...''well, you disrespect me a lot, Dee...so, if you didn't do that, I wouldn't have to get shitty with you.'' I called him at work when he told me not to = disrespect, for those wondering what he meant. *eye roll*

It was at that very moment...it all just clicked. It clicked this morning, too...when I ignored him today. But, I like closure. Something about saying goodbye. Perhaps because I never got to say goodbye to my parents...before they died...It means something to me to say the words...''goodbye'' when ending something. I dunno.

I said to him...''you know, you used to think I was great.''

His reply? ''You weren't like this.'' Oh really? lol Like this? Like the girl you've created? Who you say nothing nice to most of the time?

He then blurts out...''when you lose your attitude, call me.'' hahaha!! I said...''It's time for us to say goodbye, now. I won't be calling you anymore.''

Silence for a few seconds.

He then screamed...FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!! and hung up on me. In a voice that sounded...like a monster. Ladies, it was a scary tone...seriously. I'm not joking.

I guess that's closure. haha

Anyways...I have not shed one tear. Except... FOR him. I feel sorry for this man. Not to take him back. No. I'm done. I'm out. But, my friend said he has always had a pic up of the two of us on FB. As his main pic. (I don't have FB active anymore) It is just sad that he didn't know the kind of love I had for him. I was very good to this man. And he just stopped seeing it.

But, I'm done analyzing this. We could sit here and analyze it to death. He's a narcissist. He is incapable of true, agape love. He is incapable of accepting love. Instead, he views it as a license to hurt someone. I don't blame myself. I think I needed to see how long it would take before he dropped the nice guy act...so I would know for sure...ending it was the right thing.

Isn't it funny how we do this dance in our heads? lol

It's helped sharing this whole thing with you all. I am officially NC (again) ....I talked this out with my friend who knows him, and she said that she thinks he will call me...and try to get me back. I dunno. Oh. He texted me after hanging up and said the following:

"Congratulations Dee. You have single handedly sabotaged our relationship with your head trip issues. You are a quitter...and ruined our future. GOOD JOB!''

Like how I'm blamed for this? :=)

I thought that was weird, even for him. WTH? Head trip issues? I know what he's referring to. He's referring to my fear of loss...what an asshole. To throw up something I shared in confidence as the reason this ended.

Anywho. That's what happened tonight. What do you all think? I feel bad I broke NC like that. :=( I feel like I owe you all an apology for that, seeing you were all supportive. But, please support me again. I will remain strong.

Personally, he has a huge ego and pride...and I see him going away now. I think hearing me say the words...''goodbye'' truly shocked him. He didn't think I had it in me to end this.

I did it though. I ended this. I said the words. I pray he does not come to find me. He doesn't know where I live or anything....I just don't want problems from him.

#2 Apr 9 - 9PM

neverlookback

We always

want to answer just out of curiousity to see if they have changed or just what the hell they could possibly say to us.Gee he told you he missed you and to FUCK OFF in one conversation, mmm you got to witness the craziness within a few minutes. Usually they wait until they have you back THEN they tell you to FUCK OFF, ha ha ha Once again you threw some TRUTH in his face, and he RAGED - FUCK OFF is such a constructive way for an adult to handle truth isnt it? You should have told him, now you run along now and rage because I know what you are and you dont want to hear it, bye bye, see ya, They dont know HOW to feel the word MISS, they dont miss anyone, they just are lost without their supply and women they can manipulate and control. Whats wrong is he short on women to abuse and control? Ok now my lecture, NO CONTACT, NO picking up his calls, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER if that would make it easier for you, when that number shows up on your cell phone its the devil calling, and I know you dont ever want to go back to hell with him, that was NOT a fun place. GOd I remember the times I would go NC for 10 days at a time and I just HAD to FINALLY answer when he called, and it was the SAME SICK TWISTED MIND GAMES, same sick perverted crap, sometimes I would roll my eyes when I saw him calling me and say, oh let me guess you are going to tell me how much you miss me and want to masturbate to my voice, and how you want to bend me over - yep sure enough when I answered I was right. UGH... THey almost get boring after awhile. NO CONTACT he has not changed and he will NEVER EVER CHANGE x0x0

#3 Apr 9 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

Steph

"Once again you threw some

"Once again you threw some TRUTH in his face, and he RAGED - FUCK OFF is such a constructive way for an adult to handle truth isnt it?" this made me laugh. And it is SO true. Wanna see a narc rage?? Just tell him some truth or call him on his behaviour. They are pathetic.

#4 Apr 9 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

neverlookback

I still laugh

when I would get sad, or ask him questions, why this or that, he would tell me I forgot to take my psychotic meds, ha ha ha or he would say I was on the rag, ha ha ha or I had multiple personalities and was a very unstable unhappy person, sometimes I will burst out laughing when I remember those little Fricking mind games he would play with me. So I guess I was on the rag for 4 years straight 24-7, gosh I must have bled to death already, ha ha ha What a coward and sick sick man he was. Truth is poison to them, because truth unmasks them and they run and hide their ugly true selves Excuse me now I have to go change my tampon as I am on the rag again, because I SPEAK THE TRUTH

#5 Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Steph

LOL!

"I guess I was on the rag for 4 years straight 24-7, gosh I must have bled to death already" well, don't forget to pop a pill to tame your multiple personalities while your off chaging that tampon! I'm glad you are at that phase where you can laugh at just how STUPID they are. xoxo

#6 Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #24)

neverlookback

UNREAL

And I do laugh at many things as I am sure you do as well, I am going to post something that I think will be kind of fun for everyone, things have been far too serious on this board lately time to interject a little laughter -

#7 Apr 9 - 4AM

Hunter

D

Hey , glad you picked up! Now you see crazy and can feel good about your decision. They all behave, say and do the same thing! "fuck you "was his final word. That was his disguard! No worries, he will give you the silent treatment now! But never fear he'll be back! Love Idealk

#8 Apr 9 - 4AM

Happy1

D

Good job D! You got the closure you wanted and you're a stronger woman than the one he knew. He is a monster and you heard it first hand. Hugs

#9 Apr 8 - 11PM

Susan32

Armistice

I think the military term of "armistice" is a good way of defining the lack of closure. Some wars end with peace treaties-such as the Treaty of Versailles (I think it ended WWI), but some end with armistice. An armistice means ceasing hostilities, but war can break out at any time. The Korean War didn't have closure with a peace treaty. There's armistice. Both Koreas stare each other down at the DMZ. Occasionally, there are skirmishes, because the war didn't really end half a century ago. NC is sort of like armistice. There was no peace treaty ending&explaining everything. It's like the tense situation at the Korean border, where nothing really ended. There are fully armed soldiers on both sides, ready to fire. There was no closure with the Korean War. We don't get any closure.

#10 Apr 9 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

Deidre40

Susan--thank you! I always

Susan--thank you! I always have found your insights particularly interesting...plus, I stink at history...so thank you for this! lol I wouldn't have looked at it quite like this. I don't think they allow us closure. They 'have' us on their terms. Break up with us on their terms. Which is why he was so apologetic and kind this morning, with his texts...I cave...take him back...and he slowly slinks back into status quo...being an asshole. I appreciate your feedback.

#11 Apr 9 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

Lisa E. Scott

Susan

Yes, "Armistice" is the perfect word for it. I love the way you think, Susan!

#12 Apr 9 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Armistice: Part Two

Thank you! ;) Here's a good definition of armistice... and Armistice Day became Veterans' Day here in the US: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armistice/ The ex-Psych prof and I are no longer fighting (to the relief of his colleagues and yes, ME)... but there was no formal peace treaty. I never got why he'd start fights for NO REASON. Volunteering at a local school is *NO* reason to start an argument. At least when my nephew throws a fit... he's got a reason. He's hungry. He's thirsty. He's got a cold. He made a mess in his diaper. He can't talk... that's why he screams or throws a tantrum.

#13 Apr 9 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

To susan...

maybe the professor made a mess in his diaper. ;) LOL!! never know...

#14 Apr 9 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Fancy baby food

Here it is! http://sproutbabyfood.com/ Food Network personality/restaurateur Tyler Florence has his own line of fancy, Earth-friendly baby food.

#15 Apr 9 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Tyler Florence is making fancy organic baby food now...

Being in the Bay Area, and having the incredible sense of entitlement that goes with it.. maybe I should send some! :) It's vegetarian. His teeth were rotting away 11 years ago... so I assume something that's good for gumming would be good for him. My brother in-law AND the ex-P's father have THE SAME NAME (bizarre coincidence)... YES, I have taken full advantage of that fact... I could chalk it up to some innocent mistake. Because mistakes happen.

#16 Apr 8 - 10PM

Lisa E. Scott

Deidre

Your friend is right - Narcs are in relationships for one reason and one reason only - to have someone to control. They are completely incapable of love and do not enter or stay in relationships for love. He only says these things to manipulate you so you will remain under his control. Hopefully, this link will help answer some of your questions: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/27/why-narcissists-seek-out-relationships Hugs, Lisa

#17 Apr 8 - 9PM

Lisa E. Scott

Deidre!!!

Apologize? What for?! You should be celebrating. I think this is HUGE progress. Sometimes we must break NC to finally see things for what they are and wake-up. This is exactly what happened for you tonight! Now that you understand his behavior you were able to see how he turned everything around to look like it was your fault. He said...''well, you disrespect me a lot, Dee...so, if you didn't do that, I wouldn't have to get shitty with you.'' I called him at work when he told me not to = disrespect, for those wondering what he meant. *eye roll* You see him for what he is and he just confirmed it for you in this last telephone conversation. Yahoo! I'm so glad you see through him now. Oh, and he knows this now, which is why he's so angry and enraged. They cannot stand it when we finally see through them and call them on their shit. Good for you! I don't know why you're apologizing?! I think we should all be congratulating you. I'm very happy for you, Deidre! This is a big milestone in your recovery! xoxo

#18 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Deidre40

Lisa...

{{{Lisa}}} Thank you!! This makes me feel a lot better. Whatever he does with what he learned from our relationship is up to him. He's not a dumb man. Has a great memory. lol He should really try to start making some changes, for his own sake. I told him tonight...''this relationship has become solely about your wants. I speak up, and you tell me I'm bitching. Or have an attitude. It's like if you complain about me...that's ok. But, if I bring up something you should change...we can't go there.'' To that he said...''Is this your idea of not arguing with me?'' Ugh. I just realized that being with someone like this will bring me no peace. Whoever he was in the beginning...I have no idea. But, he's not him. He doesn't even 'sound' like him, anymore. He had the dreamiest voice in the beginning. It turned into this harsh crackly voice...lol I can't describe it. But, dreamy he is no longer. Oh well. I learned quite a bit about what I need to change. And all that I will never ever tolerate from another human being, ever again. Love is not about tolerating abuse. Thanks Lisa!!!

#19 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Lisa E. Scott

Deidre

Exactly! "Love is not about tolerating abuse." You deserve so much more and you're right that he is not the person you thought he was. That person never existed. That person you met in the beginning was a fake and a phoney. A con-artist. I am so sorry for your pain, but so glad you finally see through him now, his crackly voice and all. It's amazing how once we wake up and see them for who they really are, how differently they suddenly appear, isn't it? I'm so glad he no longer has you under his spell. This is much cause for celebration. Congrats and big hugs, Lisa :)

#20 Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Lisa E. Scott

Deidre

One more thing, we all like closure and we all deserve it. Never question why you want it. I'm glad you got it! :)

#21 Apr 8 - 9PM

Steph

You don't owe ANY apologies

You don't owe ANY apologies here!!! you just started NC yesterday or this AM, no? Geez, I broke NC after almost a year!! lol You are fine. DO NOT apologize. No one here is in a position to judge and you shall always find support here. As far as him and what you wrote about things he said.....well....I know it is still confusing and emotional for you now, cuz it's fresh.....but one day, you will look back and laugh at how obviously stupid and manipulative he is. Seriously. He is an absolute clown. Get back on the NC horse! It WILL work eventually. Trust me. xoxo

#22 Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Deidre40

staying strong

Hi staying strong; Thank you! Sitting here...my face is wet from crying. Not because I ended it. Not because I miss him. I cleaned out my yahoo inbox and found the most wonderful emails from him ...sent to me about a month ago. The things he wrote. Honest to God...it was like reading something another person wrote to another woman. :=( I also cry because this man will chalk me up as yet another evil woman...and go on and on in his life...hurting more women. Blaming them. Never willing to change. He told me I made him a better man. Not for long, I guess. It's just a sad story. I will say that I am relieved that it's over...all at the same time.

#23 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Steph

ya know what though....his

ya know what though....his "wonderful" emails are nothing but BS because he has no heart to speak from. He is so unbelievably manipulative. One day you wn't give a rat's ass what his "opinion" of you is. He doesn't have the mind or heart to make any ACCURATE opinions. He is a heartless, disordered nobody. You, on the otherhand are a kind -hearted, caring and REAL human being capable of love and compassion. It is sad, that these people exist....but that is out of your hands. It is not your job to "make him better". You can't. He's a lost cause. Focus on yourself now. Cry those tears and feel the anger.....but never ever ever second guess yourself and your worth. Back to NC. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, you just have to do the hardwork to get there.

#24 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

staying strong

Your post is awesome...thank you. Question-and this might be a silly question, but why do they say all these negative things about us--and then say...I'd never leave you...I love you...I want to marry you. I mean...why would a person want to marry someone he/she dislikes? One of my friends thinks it's because they want to control a relationship...not necessarily the person in it. They view the person in it in a loving way, if that person gives them control. That was eye opening. Do you (or anyone here) agree with this? Are they completely incapable of love? When he said I love you...he didn't mean it? I am not waivering. lol I just wonder that's all.

#25 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

Steph

not a silly question at

not a silly question at all! you have a right to ask questions and you deserve answers. The answers though, aren't really there. Who knows why they do or say what they do. They are ABnormal. I know that is little consolation, but it is true. Do they love? maybe some THINK they do? But it isn;t the same kind of love that you and I and other normal's feel.....it's more a "what can u do for ME" kinda love. "This feels good in this moment" kinda love. Your friend is right, I think. It is a control thing. Someone capable of REAL love....has EMPATHY.....and that is the main thing these guys lack.

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