Why did I have to keep hearing stories about his exes?

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#1 Apr 14 - 1AM

TygerTyger

Why did I have to keep hearing stories about his exes?

Hello everyone, new here, been doing LOTS of reading, this forum is great!!

I have my own tales of sorrow, another online dating experience, resulting in me getting tangled up with my first official N..aren't I lucky. We have since parted ways.

Instead of launching into the whole tale, I'd like to break my questions up piece by piece and start with the first one here.

First of all, I know he was very much an N because of the classic traits, extreme vanity/insecurity over odd things, entitlement, passive aggressive manipulation..coming on sweet and strong, very sexual (somatic N with no interest in a real relationship)...admiring and also envious of my talents, and ultimately exploitative of my talents which is why I had to get out. Anyway you get the picture.

One thing he did from almost the start was talk about his exes. One in particular..every time we got together he would mention her. He had this girl under his thumb, BTW..in a "sugar mama" situation. He would talk about her Facebook picture being the best he'd ever seen, and make catty remarks that "I'm glad I broke up with her so her new boyfriend could enjoy her." Real nice dinner conversation.

He'd also launch into how great sex was with other women, how infatuated he was with someone, how infatuated THEY were with him..again, why do I need to hear this.

I suspect this had something to do with the fact that I decided to turn him down sexually because he has herpes. We discussed this at the very start of things (I give him credit for telling me) but as soon as he found out I wouldn't "go all the way" (I did some research to feel what I was safe with because I have never run into this before)...At first he tried to act very mature about it, like my decision didn't bother him...he started in with tales of his many many other women. He spared me nothing. It was like listening to a 17 year old gloating and carrying on about his exploits, in front me. Was I supposed to laugh and go along with him like a buddy...or was this all about something else..

..an attempt to "punish me" because I wouldn't sleep with him? To make me jealous? Reaffirm his sexuality? Push buttons?

In one of our last talks I actually asked him what was the deal. He said he was "trying to discourage me"..huh? What, you mean like utterly and fully turn me off? Why?? It's not like there was much left at this point anyway.

He also seemed to have this weird sense of contempt for many of these women. He was often critical and stood in judgement of them like they were fools.

I know none of you are mind readers, but this particular habit of shining a light on his past dalliances and romances..almost every time we got together..was one of the more baffling things. Maybe just a general, overall frustration/contempt for females..myself included.

Thanks for any input.

#2 Apr 14 - 10AM

nhtmf

Mine is a cerebral and

Mine is a cerebral and talked constantly about the 5 or 6 other women he had been with. I knew who's crotch stunk, who shaved their pu$$y, who's boobs were the biggest, etc. Despite my yelling in his face that I did not want to hear this nor did I give a crap it still continued to the end. He also let me know that I wasn't pretty but I was such a nice person and that's what he wanted now. Sweet, huh? I've come to realize that you have to consider the source.......When he was with me and we were out I had several men approach me about dating. I guess I'm not so ugly after all, hey? Had a 33 year old just this Sunday ask me to take our friendship one step further. I'm 56. Wonder what the new girlfriend is hearing about me??? Also its been 13 months NC and he's still calling me. Talk to my machine dude cuz you just don't count in my life anymore !!!!

#3 Apr 14 - 9AM

Nothanx

Ex's

UGGGG! Mine did this too, except he talked about how hot women that were around were. Like at the store or a party he would say things like "wow look at her she is so hot" or "why don't you ever wear dresses like that?". I think it is for the same reason yours talks about his ex's...to make you feel unimportant. I have screamed, slapped (not proud of this, but true), left him in the middle of a store as I abandoned a shopping cart and headed to the car, and begged him to please stop. His response was always the same "I'm sorry. I will work on that, I didn't mean to hurt you". He never did stop, but at times he would trim back in order to calm my anger.

#4 Apr 14 - 6AM

JuneBug

Mine did too, never

Mine did too, never badmouther her and now they are back together.....I wonder is he is even an N because of this. I think its just to make you jealous and keep you working towards some goal to make him or her happy.

#5 Apr 14 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

TygerTyger

Thanks for the replies...no,

Thanks for the replies...no, just one habit like this doesnt mean someone is an N, it has to come bundled with many other traits and behavioral patterns and falls under the umbrella of emotional manipulation.

#6 Apr 14 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

wallaby (not verified)

Multiple reasons, Tyger Tyger

First, it made you upset and uncomfortable -and that is always a primary goal with a N. I remember a very similar conversation withe my N where he graphically described all the women he f***ed in college and details in particular about one who was addicted to anal sex. This was early in our rel - and I felt VERY awkward and not sure what to do. Being totally not clued into N's I though maybe he was into "sex talk" and wanted to hear me talk about a past sexual experience so I tried to tell him about a funny one I had, and he cut me off in anger and told me I was not respecting that person's privacy! He didn't want to even think about ME with another person - he wanted only to have an audience to a)make squirm and feel off-balance (victims are best anxious) and 2)hear himself talk about his sexual exploits - see it's really telling you how many women want him. You are supposed to be a gawking remote control doll who tells him how potent and manly he is. They like to hear themselves talk about themselves. And somatic N's like to hear themselves tell of their sexual conquests in a particular (mine was really an intellectual N so would tell endlessly of his literary victories more than sex conquests). It brings back that feeling of high in the retelling. You are conveniently there so he's telling you - plus he gets to reinforce your victim status by making you feel awkward and hopefully stirring up insecurities and jealousy. They love to have women jealous over them. And yes, he also feels big and virile when he contemptuously degrades women by telling you about their bad smells, etc So you see -your nasty N covered many bases with his story-telling. Sicko creep.

#7 Apr 15 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

TygerTyger

Thank you wallaby, I

Thank you wallaby, I actually think you've hit it on the head. I wondered if it was some bizarre way to rile me up somehow. I remember once mentioning one of his stories and this sneaky laugh he let out, like he knew the story was going to be a source of trouble somehow. Well, there ya have it. I'd like to get in touch with you but I dont see any PM feature here on this site. REMOVED ITEM... Anyone else who is familiar with this is welcome to write too. Thanx again, everyone.

#8 Apr 15 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Amazed

TygerTyger and the way they talk about woman,,,

Yes, I think Wallaby is right,,they do this to throw you off balance, so they can exploit and devalue you ,,they do this to disconnect you from your passion, your strengths, your values,,it is their conquest,, their victory when they do this,,talk about other woman, and strive to get under your skin,,,been there,,they are all about the game,,the only one they are playing is themselves,,walk away.... We never know the real person underneath all their comments,,they way they portray themselves is never who they are,,,I cannot play with the N,,they alone hold the rules...to their made up f--king game,,,,

#9 Apr 15 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

TygerTyger

These are great replies!

These are great replies! Yeah, I can see what was happening. Strangely, towards the end, we had a talk one night after another dinner filled with conversation about how great one of his exes looked in her Facebook photo, how someone was "infatuated" with him and how some other woman was the best sex he ever had. During the talk I flat out asked him what the deal was with bringing this stuff up. He told me it was to "discourage me." Like he was trying to push me away from him. I think that's a load, because he's been doing this since the start. Which is why I came here, to get some other viewpoints. His answer made no sense. Probably no surprise.

#10 Apr 15 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

the other women

Psycho-Boy talked ENDLESSLY about his ex-fiance, how she should have married him, how he supposedly ended it after 5 years but was so depressed he moved home with his parents for 2 years after, how she'd bring other girls home for them, the wild sex was recounted in DETAIL. (now I wonder if he wasn't mashing up her with his hookers) I would just sit there, typical FREEZE RESPONSE of someone with PTSD (I did that a lot) - I was so shocked and it would take weeks for me to feel angry, disgusted, etc. Between that and the pictures of his JUNK I should have bailed a long time before but he had me bonded and hypnotized. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#11 Apr 15 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

removal notice

this is a PUBLIC BOARD never ever post your email here - send it to me with permission to share it with the other member we have no PM feature here because of the highly charged & personal nature of what is discussed on this board ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

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