Why Do I Feel Like The Bastard Is Winning?

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#1 Nov 14 - 3AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Why Do I Feel Like The Bastard Is Winning?

Argggh...this is so irritating! I booted a whole slew of mutual friends out of my facebook account this weekend...no regrets in doing so, either.

But here's the thing...I cannot be NC...well, I can...but that means I have to give up doing something I love...it's a hobby, it takes me all over the world to compete and I'm ranked as a professional...I've spent years practicing and competing...I've made some amazing friends, many of whom I consider to be more than acquaintances, from all over the place.

These mutual friends (and I use that term loosely)...are players on the local level, some of whom also compete nationally - this group includes the ex Narc. This was the venue he chose to ambush me with an OW two months ago. I left, as I knew he was only there to create drama that night and I wanted no part of it. I haven't returned since.

I feel like I have been being shunned by a lot of mutual player friends and in some cases, openly disrespected. I'm sure I'm being called all kinds of things to them by him...and I'm sure that my mass defriending of many of them this weekend will only fuel the fire.

I have to practice and compete locally if I hope to stay competitive on the national/international level. But I have to see this sick asshole and these other people if I want to do that.

The defriending was therapeutic on a couple of levels...one being that I no longer have to concern myself about 'sparing' their feelings through my presence and xN's presence creating an air of awkwardness...I no longer care what effect my presence has on them, as their feelings are now no longer my concern.

His push since we split has been to get me to quit the game for good and just go away. If I do that, then he is controlling my decisions...as I wouldn't walk away from something I love to do for any other reason to avoid his bullshit. If I stay with it, I have to deal with people who are double-dealing jerks AND see HIM on top of it. Which means, MORE drama and more crap.

What to do?

Nov 14 - 2PM
Hermes
Hermes's picture

No win

Definitely it is not about winning, or who wins. After all, NPD is a no-win situation anyhow, by its very nature. I would not give up an activity I love because of the N, but I would certainly not hang around - at all - anywhere near where he is. Then again, that is me. Yes, you do reach indifference, and I managed to reach that point eventually. But I had to remove myself geographically from the environment, and I was fortunate that I could do so (we did not have children). And, it was the best move I ever made. Positive events happened thereafter that I could not have imagined. And yet, several years later, when I had returned there, one morning heading to a work appointment, there I saw him, across the street, at a distance. I hurried on (I don't believe he saw me), but I actually felt I was going to vomit on the sidewalk in front of passersby. When I got to where I was going they asked if I was unwell, as I was white, and sort of fazed out. So, don't get overconfident about this stuff. I am and always was a very confident and able person, but this kind of experience does not come within any other kind of experience. Hermes
Nov 14 - 12PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Everyone makes great points.

Everyone makes great points. Why end something YOU enjoy because of HIM? That said, it will be awkward, strange, maybe tense, around him…should you see him at these events. But, I think healing and moving on comes into play, when we really stop making it ‘all about them.’ I stopped asking myself…what might this one or that one say, if I change my number? If I stop posting on that website? (that we once belonged to together) If I don’t text him? Etc…Likewise, you should go about your own life as you would if you had never met him. If you would have done the tournament circuit without him, why change that, simply because of all this? I mean, I know it will have its moments, but that’s what I’d ask myself. If you hated the tournament circuit, and were only doing it for him…or because of him…I’d suggest not going anymore. But, we need to stop focusing on them ‘winning’ or not. It’s not about him, syren. If he brings a harem with him, and he wants to shove that in your face…that’s about his lack of character (and always has been) and not yours. He’s an ass, always will be. And he will see you smiling, and happy and healthy…should he bump into you. We’re human, we can have a moment or two…of ha, you jerk…you didn’t bring me down. See? But, don’t make your focus about him winning or you winning. You moving on with your life and no longer caring about what he’s up to or thinking……is winning. And honestly…at the end of the day, narcs think they’ve won. They twist things in their minds and to their groupies, as they are always the winner. In fact, my ex used to say…’’there is me, the winner…and then, there’s everyone else.’’ Lol Whatta tool. Meanwhile, he has kids who don’t know him, and multiple failed marriages. And mommy and daddy are still cleaning up his messes. Someone needs to show the boy a dictionary, and what the word ‘winner’ actually means. Lol
Nov 14 - 6AM
empath
empath's picture

this is a good example of why you dont shit where you eat

Syren, this is an unfortunate predicament to be however you shouldn't give up something good because of something bad. Keep working through this until you no longer have any feelings for him. Don't give up this hobby that has been a source of strength for you. If you do, then he does win. Find a way to minimize your association with him through this mutual hobby and keep your blinders on to him. Living well is the best revenge.
Nov 14 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He introduced me to this

He introduced me to this game...I play because I met him...not vice versa. But, I've heard from some of these people that no ex of his has ever stayed active as a player for more than a year after the split with him...I presume this "running off of the ex" is a pattern of his...I intend to be the exception.
Nov 14 - 6AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Syren66

When you reach step 6 you will be indifferent and it just doesn't matter anymore. I run into mine at least 4 times a week and it used to bother me. I don't find that to be true anymore. You will get there. It just takes time. Hang in there! xxx, Ruby
Nov 14 - 6AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I am in the same predicament.

I am in the same predicament. Yours a hobby that has gone to the level of professional. Mine my legal career. The same group of people among u and narcky. Just like how some here need to deal with their ex narcs as they have kids. Sometimes its not realistic to cutoff100%. In this case i would say we manage it on case by case basis and dont engage in any interaction directly if possible. Sorry not much help here.
Nov 14 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have another option...and

I have another option...and that is to avoid the local scene until I feel strong enough to deal with these retards. Right now, I feel as if there is a virtual lynch mob lying in wait for me...I feel very out numbered....narc never came to an event without a 'buddy' (another player or lately, a g/f) after our split...moral support for him, I suppose. To make matters EVEN worse, I am the only female player in this group...and they are misogynistic as all hell. Seriously, they all play like morons when they draw me as a partner...they cannot handle competition with a female or against one. So I'm getting piled on over shit that really has nothing to do with the ex-narc...these are their own woman-hating issues surfacing and oh, lookie! A victim! But the bad ass side of me stops when I ponder the thought of walking away from something I DON'T WANT TO WALK AWAY from and thinks "why should I have to give this up because of him? Or THEM for that matter?" Then I want to weather the storm and give them the middle finger just by being present. I'm very conflicted about next steps here.
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Syren

I think, Syren, you have to go with your gut on this one. Evidently from your posts this is causing you some grief. Sometimes it is not worth making a point (as in, "I"ll show em"). Leaving the ex-N out of it, is it worth while anyhow participating in what you say is a misogynistic group? If these encounters do not leave you with a good feeling, then something is wrong. One thing I have learnt over these years is (like in that song "The Gambler") to know when the best option is to get up from the table. I can understand your wanting to stay with something you love doing. But at what cost? That"s the question. You sure are not going to change the psyches of a group of misogynists. Everyone is different and will take a different decision in dilemmas like this. All the best Hermes
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I totally get what you're

I totally get what you're saying, Hermes...but these are local people I practice playing against to prepare for doing what I really love...playing on the national and international tour...where few of these douchebags have ever tread. That is where the people I truly care about in this game are at...and in order to compete at that level, I have to unfortunately, wade through pig shit to maintain a high level of competitive play. The friendships I have built with the people outside of this godforsaken city AND the time, effort & money I have devoted to getting to the level I'm at...well it's not something I'm willing to just walk away from. I know my presence makes the narc very uncomfortable...probably because he doesn't want me telling his new OW what a prick he truly is...I'm pretty outspoken, I don't have a single problem speaking up publicly and I suspect that's a nagging concern in the back of his mind. His paranoia is his problem...again, not a good enough reason for me to walk away.
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Other group, Syren?

Any chance of locating another group to play with? If not exactly in your immediate locality, perhaps in an area close to you? Another thought...though I don"t know your story. Any chance of you moving somewhere else? I say this because I get the impression you are not too delighted with the city where you live.... Just asking. I say all this because surprising doors open once one gets off N-planet. And leaps of faith become the order of the day! (don"t I know it!) Good luck Hermes
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Funny you should ask...there

Funny you should ask...there is another venue where I can play and some of the locals play at both...fewer of the hardcore assholes show up at the other venue though...I'm gonna talk with my son's dad about altering visitation...these venues alternate weekends and as it stands right now, the venue where I currently play is riddled with assholes...and run by tournament director guy who I just booted from f/b Sat nite. What really pisses me off is that the other venue is 40 miles from my house...the one I presently play at is 15 minutes away. As for relocating, my company has offices all over the world...I presently live in Chicago and I HATE it here...what's to be proud of? That I live in one of the most corrupt and bankrupt states in America? Woo Hoo!!!! Tax me to death...I love it! I'm trying to relocate to Houston...but I need some time to finesse that transfer to their office if it's possible. We'll see....
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Sounding good, Syren

Well, at least, options are presenting themselves, even if not immediately realisable. Travelling forty miles is a bit of a drag, but over there in the U.S.A. your distances seem shorter. LOL. I have only been to the U.S. once, Syren, a few years back, to Washington D.C. so do not know much about the rest of the country. I really do hope that your transfer works out. I bet it would be life'changing for you. Again, lots of luck Hermes
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have a lot of close

I have a lot of close personal friends from the tour who live in Houston...I'm talking instant friends made in a new city...the transition would be pretty painless. I've been exploring options for the past 6 months but in the interim, the shit I'm dealing with now is the shit I have to deal with until I can get out of here for good. And Mr. Chicago cop, is stuck here thanks to his union (taxpayer sucking) contract. He can't follow me any time soon. I guess he feels since he brought me into the game, he can drive me out...like he considers the local scene his 'property'?