Why do I still love him?

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#1 Aug 20 - 1PM
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Why do I still love him?

24 hours NC and I'm already going insane.

I know he's going out, having fun and possibly doesn't even care that yesterday I told him I would be talking to the landlord to end the contract.

5 years of relationship and he just went out for an all-nighter afterwards.

And today all I get is memories, thoughts of our first summer together or even our last week together just a few days ago, laughing so much at the cinema like the old us. Being in his arms, waking up next to him... why do I need it so bad? Why do I still love this man so fucking much?

Why does he not care at all, and can move on to have fun so easily?

I wrote him an email but didn't send it. I'm trying to be strong but really I'm a mess. I keep wanting him to call me and say "baby I love you, I'm moving back home"

I wish I could just disappear from the world.

Aug 21 - 1PM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Stay strong!

Hold on to the fact that your reaction to this situation is the completely normal one whilst his is completely abnormal. You're doing very well with the NC. Stay strong! xxx
Aug 21 - 1AM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

You remind me of myself, when

You remind me of myself, when I came here speaking about 24 hours NC following insanity..now I`m almost towards the okay state, and it`s day 5 NC in the morning, reinitiated.. Just take it slow, at first few days, then one week, let yourself pass through all stages..and please try to be kind to yourself..if not us, then who? The Ns surely NOT! After come backs, hooverings, eliminating common friends, I see his mind game as a boring and predictabale one. I no longer feel interested in his games, it`s got to a point where I could predict the days when he was gonna withdraw, or devalue me..it`s all the same. Regardless, of how many cryings and promises of change they make. YOU want to believe there is a chance, we all did at some point. And HE takes advantage of that, they all do, that`s why I like to refer to them as sharks or scorpions. I understand your confusion, but it is possible to heal. The fog cleares, just try to stay as much as possible close to this board, for me it has been many times helpful, and as an online therapy group. Hang in there and stay close around here!
Aug 20 - 11PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Start writing down

the bad things. Write down how easy it is for him to move on. Start writing down how bad you feel. Use these things to remind yourself of how disfunction he is. I grab my never ending list to snap me out of deniel all the time. You can do this! Love yourself! Do nice things for you! Hugs
Aug 20 - 11PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Ruby

I promise you after more days of NC it gets easier. I hate typing that because I hated hearing it! I didn't believe it but it I learned that it is true. You're remembering all of the good times right now. After a few months of NC it gets easier because you aren't hearing his lies and seeing the FAKE man. You'll love him for a long time Ruby but you'll eventually know that that love is dangerous and toxic and no good for you. I know this stage is horrible but please hang in there and stay NC. IT really is best for YOU!!! PM me anytime you need to chat!
Aug 20 - 1PM
megamillion
megamillion's picture

You can do this

You are stronger than you know - think of all you are facing and you are still here. Even though you think you're breaking, you're still making tiny steps away and it is good! You're ADDICTED, RubyWoo - we have all been there and you will one day see him for what he really is... which is far, far less than you deserve. ExN did the exact same thing - went out for an all-nighter the day she told me I made her miserable and that she felt nothing for me, only to leave me a voicemail telling me it was 5 in the morning and she loved me so much. THEN the next day she told me she called everyone in her phonebook and not to make things up in my head, so that message to me was nothing special. We have never spoken again. Despite this sh*t, I STILL cry everyday four months out, wondering what I did wrong. THAT IS HOW DEEPLY THE ADDICTION TAKES ROOT AND HOW EFFECTIVELY THEY HAVE BRAINWASHED US. You have five years of memories and this will be hard... but it will be worth it to have yourself back and be clean from this dark toxin. Put your own e-mail address on that e-mail and send it to yourself. In a few weeks or months, you will read that e-mail and be shocked at the ways you've probably apologized to him, pleaded and promised to change. When you feel like you are going to collapse in a heap from the memories, try to grab onto one thought of something he did to make you feel small or ugly or less than lovely. Take a short walk, or walk a few circles around the room. Make a STOPPING thought and a STOPPING action. This will help so much in breaking obsessive thoughts about the "good" times. You are STRONG and you are cared for here - you can do this. Wishing you calm and belief in yourself, xxx Mega