Why do they run away when you get too close?

I know they can act the part, they can get all their shiny things and appear very successful...but they are emotionally at the level of a 3 year old and no wishing, hoping, analyzing on our part is going to change that. You either have to accept their HUGE limitations or go NC. Ever want to hug or kiss a three year old who doesn't want it....acts like they are absolutely terrified of it? That is what I think of whenever I remember Mr. Ns pulling away. Ever have a 3 yr old get mad and stop talking to you? Yep...that would be their silent treatment. They simply don't have the skills to be what we need...not for the long term.

Mine was incredible...incredible at get me to chase that is. During the "sweet" time, oh honey you are wonderful, oh honey I can see you helping me down the street because we will be so old together, to his friends & strangers alike "she just won't marry me" (you never asked you nut...in hindsight thank you Jesus cause I would have).But then the "mean" comes and along with it, I would never marry you, did you really think this was forever..ha this was just a casual relationship (I'm thinking 15 years, house, kids...casual WTH), then back to "sweet" just to draw you back in but as soon as you are close & they start to maybe actually "think" they feel something...its back to "mean" but they do it and say things in a "certain way" that makes you come back...WOW, how can someone so IGNORANT figure out how to make you believe the world revolves around him as much as he believes it...its all about the chase. *I've decided to let that 'RAT' go...:D! ~brokenglass~

Mine went htrough some strange attempt to make me say I was in love with him, but even after 10 years I didn't know what I felt (not surprising) and I just wouldn't say I was in love with him. Mind you he wasn't saying he was in love with me, he was just determined to hear me tell him that i was with him. It was really weird. I could feel his frustration and he became obsessed with it. Finally he tried to gaslight me and say the reason he d&d'd one time was because, "I got all weird and said I loved him." I actually think the final blow was because I wouldn't say it. What a sick person. Say it, don't say it, who cares its all a game to them. It's not real, none of it.

What really pisses me off about this though, is that: THEY are the ones who push for intimacy so soon. THEY are the ones who fast-forward the relationship by love bombing us. THEY are the ones to make declarations of love first. THEY are the ones who paint a picture of a future with us early on. THEY are the ones who PRETEND they are looking for intimacy and have found it with us. THEY go out of their way to make us feel special so we open up to them. THEY do everything they can to make us feel we've found our soulmate. THEY reassure us that we're safe to open our hearts and share our feelings with them. THEY want us to fall in love with them. And right when they get us where THEY want us, they RUN!

if i go back and think about it, every time we started getting somewhere, getting close, he'd back off. it was the intimacy he couldn't take. this is a horrible thinig for me and all women in this situation; you have a good night/date/week/weekend, he says all the right things, then i wouldn't hear from him for a week or two and we'd start over. ALL the D&D's happened after some good times which is why it's so devastating. he found the OW right after he told me we'd be spending a lot of time together this summer. it's sooo hurtful i'm numb. my intuitist told me that because i understand him, he's drawn to me, but also the intimacy of our LTR is too overwhelming for him. i truly can't win. she said he'll find other women too demanding. a no win situation will make you crazy which is why i let my mind go to the end then move on...

My Narc grandmother has lived up in Oregon since late '08. She has Alzheimer's. Things were going great- she was active in church, she lived close to shopping (she doesn't have a car), she lived close to a bus stop. Here in California, she had had financial problems... she had been in TONS of credit card debt (due to late fees, interest) My father thought that if she were in Oregon, he could keep better track of her finances. Then, impulsively, not long after my paternal grandmother died (in December)... my Narc grandmother gave a couple of weeks' notice that she was moving back to California. She had no plans in place, really. Somehow she found an apartment. It's a long way from town, not close to bus stops, shopping. She's isolated. I don't even know her new address. It's the first time she's moved&I don't know where she lives. The kicker is that she is now in the same state as me(!!) She's somewhere in Paso Robles, that's all I know. She abandoned my parents when things were going well. Everything had seemed contented, peaceful. My mother had bonded with my late paternal grandmother... so when her own mother left her... it was like how the ex-Psych prof D&D'd me when my pastor friend died. My mother is dealing with her own mother in-law's death... and parental abandonment compounds it. The way my Narc grandmother up&left is like how the ex-P up&left (and flaunted his girlfriend) after my pastor friend died.

I got too close to mine! We never fought, the last time I saw him was almost a year ago! We had a great week together! That's when he freaked! D&D hell for Hunter then the silent treatment! Whack Job! Hunter

I really don't understand this because mines wasn't like this. He likes his women to be close to him , trust him, gives him more ammo to work against them. When he meets new supply is when he would start acting fickle. Thats when the changes start up.

Since I've been afraid of closeness most of my life I'll try to answer your question. It is a fear of engulfment. To me it felt like the ultimate threat, as if someone was trying to swallow me up. It was the result of my past with my hot and cold borderliner father. I've always had close friendships but avoided intimacy in sexual relationships while secretly feeling dependent on some men. Seeing my issues reflected in the N I had therapy and though I will always cherish freedom, I have learnt to define it in new ways. Imagine what it was like for the N meeting me when he had avoided intimacy with women all his life. Where he considered himself independent I was anti-dependent. Where he wanted more I wanted less. He could be as free as a bird and have affairs, but he could not have me the way he wanted me as a partner. Though I'd do lots for him, cared for him and made him feel desired he had no control over me. Some of the time I would be my normal warm-hearted self, then again I acted like a borderline the way I'd learnt to deal with my father. I understood my N well, so he could be quite open with me. We did what Robert Burney calls the dance of the wounded souls, where both partners have a big problem with dependence. I could do some healing because I'd not been quite as badly damaged and I'm a different type of person. Narcs, however, whether adored or neglected as kids, have detached from their feelings early on. Instead they built up that huge ego for protection. N's therapist said that my ex has been as close and trusting with me a N could be. For a normal relationship with intimacy it would still not be enough. It takes a lot of strength and courage to risk closeness when you are panicky about it and has been one of the toughest things I've done. Narcs are cowards, they will rather run from their problems. They would be too deep-rooted to sort out anyway.

I think it ALL depends on the cercunstances, the individual, how much they can gain vs how much they have to 'pretend. But it is ALL the same outcome...in the end you will eveentually be discarded and they run. It is just a matter of 'when' and not so much the 'why'. Mine ran from me specifically, because of his dependency on me. But I can cite other reasons why he ran from others...

One of the BIGGEST differences between my former Narc boss and the ex-Psych prof is that my former Narc boss was open&honest about himself. My former Narc boss was gay;he'd refer to his older boyfriend as a "friend"-but the point was obvious, and that he'd watch http://www.logotv.com My former Narc boss was capable of some level of friendship. He didn't have fake girlfriends. The ex-Psych prof, on the other hand, had a combination of paranoia, pride,etc. Once he told me he was writing a book about Augustine&Wittgenstein. I told my friends, and then he did the smear campaign that I was "crazy." When I declared my love to him, he moved his seminar from one classroom to another... instead of giving ANY closure such as "I see you as just a friend","I'm not interested","I hate you" or "I love you." He kept on begging for *DISTANCE* when all I wanted was answers. Whenever I got emotionally close, I'd get rages, the silent treatment, or get lectured on the need to maintain a "respectful distance." Little did he know that the personal info about himself that HE told me I simply filed away for future use. I think one of his BIGGEST fears was that I'd use personal info against him... and believe me, I have and I did. He probably wishes he never gushed so much about his Daddy, or talked about growing up in western Massachusetts(!!!) Well, the teacher/student relationship IS all about teaching.

Has to do with abandonment issues from what I have read and i think it is more abandonment of self,not necessarily physical abandonment, read Sam Vaknin's book Maliginant Self Love, it is very helpful as to how their minds work.

From what I have read there is a variety of reasons: -It makes them question their "uniqueness" .....they don't like the routine monotony that can exist in a relationship. -They don't like "relying" on anyone or feeling dependent, emotionally. and.... -They really just don't have a freakin clue what they want!