Why do they run away when you get too close?

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#1 May 23 - 11PM
beamoflight's picture

Why do they run away when you get too close?

I was reading the Devaluation funhouse thread and mine did the same exact thing.

Why do they freak out when they feel as though they are getting to close-- does anybody know what exactly about being close freaks them out?

Jul 15 - 9AM
TNR1's picture

Why do we treat these boys as if they were men?

I know they can act the part, they can get all their shiny things and appear very successful...but they are emotionally at the level of a 3 year old and no wishing, hoping, analyzing on our part is going to change that. You either have to accept their HUGE limitations or go NC. Ever want to hug or kiss a three year old who doesn't want it....acts like they are absolutely terrified of it? That is what I think of whenever I remember Mr. Ns pulling away. Ever have a 3 yr old get mad and stop talking to you? Yep...that would be their silent treatment. They simply don't have the skills to be what we need...not for the long term.
Jul 15 - 6AM
.brokenglass.'s picture

They want to be chased..

Mine was incredible...incredible at get me to chase that is. During the "sweet" time, oh honey you are wonderful, oh honey I can see you helping me down the street because we will be so old together, to his friends & strangers alike "she just won't marry me" (you never asked you nut...in hindsight thank you Jesus cause I would have).But then the "mean" comes and along with it, I would never marry you, did you really think this was forever..ha this was just a casual relationship (I'm thinking 15 years, house, kids...casual WTH), then back to "sweet" just to draw you back in but as soon as you are close & they start to maybe actually "think" they feel something...its back to "mean" but they do it and say things in a "certain way" that makes you come back...WOW, how can someone so IGNORANT figure out how to make you believe the world revolves around him as much as he believes it...its all about the chase. *I've decided to let that 'RAT' go...:D! ~brokenglass~
Jul 15 - 11AM (Reply to #31)
onwithmylife's picture

Broken Glass, YOU are SO RIGHT

I remember years ago when he dumped me for nothing, as usual, oh we were too comfortable, i drove an hour to his house and pleading with him to talk with me, he stood at his doorway, would not invite me in to talk, like two adults, and said something to the effect that i was making things worse by coming to see him or prolonging our separation, but you could tell he was so smug, UGH...............then he had such a happy time when he had me and his third wife, unknown to me,that he was still with her, helping him out.
Jul 15 - 5AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Its a no win situation

Mine went htrough some strange attempt to make me say I was in love with him, but even after 10 years I didn't know what I felt (not surprising) and I just wouldn't say I was in love with him. Mind you he wasn't saying he was in love with me, he was just determined to hear me tell him that i was with him. It was really weird. I could feel his frustration and he became obsessed with it. Finally he tried to gaslight me and say the reason he d&d'd one time was because, "I got all weird and said I loved him." I actually think the final blow was because I wouldn't say it. What a sick person. Say it, don't say it, who cares its all a game to them. It's not real, none of it.
Jul 15 - 10AM (Reply to #29)
Caligirl's picture

Ruby01, OMG, mine did the same thing!

You're so right. In the last two weeks, my exN, after having sex, was on top of me (holding me down), and orders me, "Say I love you." I said it (even though neither one of us had been saying it). Then he says, "Say you love ONLY me." So, I said, "I love only you." Then, he got up, and walked away, didn't even say "I love you" back. After that he began gaslighting and tightening the screws harder. A week later, in the final D&D, he emotionally says, "YOU DON’T LOVE ME" (and something about just needing him and fear of being alone). WTF? I didn't even respond bc I KNEW and FELT it was a no-win situation. I was so tired then, and frankly, mind-f*cked, that I was speechless. I had an "engagement" ring, and he would act like it meant nothing (once dared me to give it to him, during the D&D, so he could throw it out the truck window while driving). It was very cheap, but I refused. A few days later, we were having dinner, and I had taken it off (bc he more or less said to), and I just didn't put it back on. At dinner, he noticed (I had forgotten), he grabs my left hand, and huffs and puffs, then smiles, and gave a "whatever" shrug. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. :(
Jul 14 - 6AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What really pisses me off

What really pisses me off about this though, is that: THEY are the ones who push for intimacy so soon. THEY are the ones who fast-forward the relationship by love bombing us. THEY are the ones to make declarations of love first. THEY are the ones who paint a picture of a future with us early on. THEY are the ones who PRETEND they are looking for intimacy and have found it with us. THEY go out of their way to make us feel special so we open up to them. THEY do everything they can to make us feel we've found our soulmate. THEY reassure us that we're safe to open our hearts and share our feelings with them. THEY want us to fall in love with them. And right when they get us where THEY want us, they RUN!
Jul 15 - 12AM (Reply to #27)
Lost's picture

You said it Smitten Kitten

You said it Smitten Kitten, what you have stated in your post is exactly what mine did to me! I felt like I had met my soul mate someone who I could relate to on a deep level and share everything with and boy did I tell him everything, past hurts, being bullied at school, my absent father etc etc etc ... Funny now that I recall back, he never empathised with me, he always told be to get over it! We talked for hours every night and I told him so many personal things about my that I hadn't even told my best friend or my mum. Then when I left because he cheated, he rang me in tears saying he's realising I'm the one for him, I'm the complete package, he was scared of me, he wasn't ready for me but he's ready to fall in love now. His issue with me was that I wasn't affectionate enough which is something I have an issue with as I fear rejection and I think that comes from something that happened to me as a child which relates back to my father ... but when I showed more affection to him and openly hugged and kissed him he ran and told me that it scared him! I mean WTF, that's what they want yet when they get it they ran ... similarly he always said he wanted a strong woman but when he got that he didn't like it either! You really can't win ...
Jul 14 - 7AM (Reply to #26)
ally2375's picture

You said it, sister!

This is exactly it. Oh, it just makes me so mad! :)
Jul 14 - 7AM (Reply to #24)
EMZ Experience
EMZ Experience's picture

A great list to have in times of doubt

Your list is pretty spot on of how my relationship began with my narc. Everything seemed too good to be true. The longer you have no contact the easier it is to heal yourself and prosper. If you are on a 'need to be in contact basis,' try to be indifferent, and then eventually you'll feel back in control of yourself.
Jul 14 - 8AM (Reply to #25)
Mag's picture

A great list to have in times of doubt

EMZ--you are so right...I'm in a "need to be in contact" because of my daughter...but only for her...I'm soooo in control right now...I'm gotten to the point of being indifferent...all I'm concerned about is my daughter's well-being....
Jul 14 - 6AM (Reply to #23)
Shareebles's picture

It hurts how this is so, so

It hurts how this is so, so true :(
Jul 14 - 4AM
Tinker's picture

if i go back and think about

if i go back and think about it, every time we started getting somewhere, getting close, he'd back off. it was the intimacy he couldn't take. this is a horrible thinig for me and all women in this situation; you have a good night/date/week/weekend, he says all the right things, then i wouldn't hear from him for a week or two and we'd start over. ALL the D&D's happened after some good times which is why it's so devastating. he found the OW right after he told me we'd be spending a lot of time together this summer. it's sooo hurtful i'm numb. my intuitist told me that because i understand him, he's drawn to me, but also the intimacy of our LTR is too overwhelming for him. i truly can't win. she said he'll find other women too demanding. a no win situation will make you crazy which is why i let my mind go to the end then move on...
Jul 14 - 7PM (Reply to #21)
happysoon's picture


The same exact thing happened to me...great weekend, then I didn't see or hear from him for days, not see him the following weekend. and he would behave like I am the needy one when all I tried to do was to foster the relationship. It can't grow on every other weekend...I never understood how he would be perfectly fine with a situation like that. I told him that he wanted a casual relationship not a serious one and he would get furious and accuse me of wanting to sleep with other men.....who does that?? uggh
May 25 - 10AM
Susan32's picture

When it's family

My Narc grandmother has lived up in Oregon since late '08. She has Alzheimer's. Things were going great- she was active in church, she lived close to shopping (she doesn't have a car), she lived close to a bus stop. Here in California, she had had financial problems... she had been in TONS of credit card debt (due to late fees, interest) My father thought that if she were in Oregon, he could keep better track of her finances. Then, impulsively, not long after my paternal grandmother died (in December)... my Narc grandmother gave a couple of weeks' notice that she was moving back to California. She had no plans in place, really. Somehow she found an apartment. It's a long way from town, not close to bus stops, shopping. She's isolated. I don't even know her new address. It's the first time she's moved&I don't know where she lives. The kicker is that she is now in the same state as me(!!) She's somewhere in Paso Robles, that's all I know. She abandoned my parents when things were going well. Everything had seemed contented, peaceful. My mother had bonded with my late paternal grandmother... so when her own mother left her... it was like how the ex-Psych prof D&D'd me when my pastor friend died. My mother is dealing with her own mother in-law's death... and parental abandonment compounds it. The way my Narc grandmother up&left is like how the ex-P up&left (and flaunted his girlfriend) after my pastor friend died.
May 25 - 10AM
Hunter's picture

I got too close to mine! We

I got too close to mine! We never fought, the last time I saw him was almost a year ago! We had a great week together! That's when he freaked! D&D hell for Hunter then the silent treatment! Whack Job! Hunter
May 25 - 10AM (Reply to #18)
Lobo555's picture


Mine did the same thing! Great week together on a vacation, he stayed there to do some work for a few weeks, came home, d&d'd me, married someone 3 weeks later that he'd only *known* for 3 weeks! Talk about whack job! Now I'm getting silent treatment as he idolizes New Wife. It hurts but I consider it a blessing. I want that dude to stay outta my hair! I do *not* want a hoovering but keep thinking when New Wife comes to her senses or he gets bored, he'll be knocking at my door. Does the d&d always follow a great, intimate, soulful time? Coz it sure seems that way.
May 25 - 8AM
findingmeagain's picture

I really don't understand

I really don't understand this because mines wasn't like this. He likes his women to be close to him , trust him, gives him more ammo to work against them. When he meets new supply is when he would start acting fickle. Thats when the changes start up.
May 24 - 11AM
janine's picture

Fear of closeness

Since I've been afraid of closeness most of my life I'll try to answer your question. It is a fear of engulfment. To me it felt like the ultimate threat, as if someone was trying to swallow me up. It was the result of my past with my hot and cold borderliner father. I've always had close friendships but avoided intimacy in sexual relationships while secretly feeling dependent on some men. Seeing my issues reflected in the N I had therapy and though I will always cherish freedom, I have learnt to define it in new ways. Imagine what it was like for the N meeting me when he had avoided intimacy with women all his life. Where he considered himself independent I was anti-dependent. Where he wanted more I wanted less. He could be as free as a bird and have affairs, but he could not have me the way he wanted me as a partner. Though I'd do lots for him, cared for him and made him feel desired he had no control over me. Some of the time I would be my normal warm-hearted self, then again I acted like a borderline the way I'd learnt to deal with my father. I understood my N well, so he could be quite open with me. We did what Robert Burney calls the dance of the wounded souls, where both partners have a big problem with dependence. I could do some healing because I'd not been quite as badly damaged and I'm a different type of person. Narcs, however, whether adored or neglected as kids, have detached from their feelings early on. Instead they built up that huge ego for protection. N's therapist said that my ex has been as close and trusting with me a N could be. For a normal relationship with intimacy it would still not be enough. It takes a lot of strength and courage to risk closeness when you are panicky about it and has been one of the toughest things I've done. Narcs are cowards, they will rather run from their problems. They would be too deep-rooted to sort out anyway.
May 25 - 2AM (Reply to #12)
beamoflight's picture

could it be that they dont

could it be that they dont want to get close for fear somebody will "depend" on them and they want the freedom to come and go as they like? If they get close then they have to answer about what they are doing, be honest, be responsible, be depended on? like being "chained" to somebody so to speak?
Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

exactly! my ex would say I wanted to "own him" when in reality-

I was simply speaking up my needs and boundaries. and sometimes- these boundaries included things that I would NOT ACCEPT. This is when he would call me a control freak ,crazy or wanted to own him.
May 25 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
ifinallygotit's picture

yes exactly!

Mine called it "lock down" to his buddies when he was home with me "i am in lock down".
May 25 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
Lisa87's picture

chained to him

that was my issue, he became distant when I became close and was living in his house (temporarily for 2 months), that he helped me every day and said he loved me, loved having me there, etc, wouldn't have it any other way. I thought he was the man of my dreams and couldn't have been happier and then I find out he was already seeking New supply and still telling me every day he loved me, etc. It was after our 1st break up that he told me he felt "trapped". I took him back anyway and the 2nd time after I was suspicious and started to check up on him he told me he didn't want someone checking up on him, etc. I lived a mile away. Now he knows better, his OW are in other states, he travels to them so it is perfect situation. Thought I was in a good place but I'm having a weak moments lately so I need to come on here for support, NC for 6 weeks and I blocked him.
May 24 - 8AM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think it ALL depends on the

I think it ALL depends on the cercunstances, the individual, how much they can gain vs how much they have to 'pretend. But it is ALL the same outcome...in the end you will eveentually be discarded and they run. It is just a matter of 'when' and not so much the 'why'. Mine ran from me specifically, because of his dependency on me. But I can cite other reasons why he ran from others...
May 24 - 8AM
Susan32's picture

Fear of exposure

One of the BIGGEST differences between my former Narc boss and the ex-Psych prof is that my former Narc boss was open&honest about himself. My former Narc boss was gay;he'd refer to his older boyfriend as a "friend"-but the point was obvious, and that he'd watch http://www.logotv.com My former Narc boss was capable of some level of friendship. He didn't have fake girlfriends. The ex-Psych prof, on the other hand, had a combination of paranoia, pride,etc. Once he told me he was writing a book about Augustine&Wittgenstein. I told my friends, and then he did the smear campaign that I was "crazy." When I declared my love to him, he moved his seminar from one classroom to another... instead of giving ANY closure such as "I see you as just a friend","I'm not interested","I hate you" or "I love you." He kept on begging for *DISTANCE* when all I wanted was answers. Whenever I got emotionally close, I'd get rages, the silent treatment, or get lectured on the need to maintain a "respectful distance." Little did he know that the personal info about himself that HE told me I simply filed away for future use. I think one of his BIGGEST fears was that I'd use personal info against him... and believe me, I have and I did. He probably wishes he never gushed so much about his Daddy, or talked about growing up in western Massachusetts(!!!) Well, the teacher/student relationship IS all about teaching.
Jul 14 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Reddley's picture

Mine pulled basically the

Mine pulled basically the same bullshit. I said I love you and I got the silent treatment for 3 days. I confronted him at work and he said "I was playing headgames and this is why he didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place". Then after several more days of silence I get fed a line of crap like "I'm just not feeling it with you", in an email mind you... not even on the phone or face to face. Truth of it all being... I had pursued him. He said I do not want to be in a relationship and fed me numerous reasons why. I had accepted that. He was the one that crossed over that friend line. Why cross the line if you weren't "feeling it" in the first place? And how are my feelings for you headgames? Ugh... I still have no closure. What a mind fuck. These men are just plain assholes without a soul.
Jul 14 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"These men are just plain

"These men are just plain assholes without a soul." Except assholes are actually anatomically necessary and perform an important biological, function, whereas these turds are just useless. Not even up to asshole status.
Jul 14 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Lobo555's picture

How about boil on the asshole

How about boil on the asshole of life? I think that's more accurate!
Jul 14 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, Fear of Exposure

I've read they are afraid of us getting too close because we will see them for the monsters they truly are. That we will see through the mask, so they keep us at a certain distance. They also fear abandonment, and then create a self-fulfilling prophesy by dropping the mask, acting horribly and driving us away, ultimately causing the things they fear the most, exposure and abandonment. They also preserve their fragile egos by abandoning us first before we can do it to them, because deep down, they know what they are and what they're doing, and what lies ahead, whereas we have no clue. I don't know how many times mine said, "Someday I think you're going to stop talking to me for good." And he started saying that early in the relationship. Towards the end, he said this with increasing frequency. In one of our post-breakup conversations, he said it again and I didn't respond. He said, "It must be true, because you're not denying it." It may have been later that same day when he sent me a text, telling me never to contact him again in any way, shape or form, so that HE could be in control of the final communication, rather than leaving the ball in my court. It may also have been a challenge or test to see if I would try anyway, that I would still hang on. But I didn't try and I'll never know if he was relieved or disappointed that I finally let go.
May 24 - 6AM
onwithmylife's picture

BEAMof light

Has to do with abandonment issues from what I have read and i think it is more abandonment of self,not necessarily physical abandonment, read Sam Vaknin's book Maliginant Self Love, it is very helpful as to how their minds work.
May 23 - 11PM
Steph's picture

From what I have read there

From what I have read there is a variety of reasons: -It makes them question their "uniqueness" .....they don't like the routine monotony that can exist in a relationship. -They don't like "relying" on anyone or feeling dependent, emotionally. and.... -They really just don't have a freakin clue what they want!