Why do we miss them when we know they are toxic?

We become addicted to the N and the relationship dynamic - pure and simple. It is an all-consuming addiction and we desperately need every hit. We fall in love with a fantasy that we desperately want to be true and real. They pick up quickly on what type of fantasy we're looking for, they know how to drip feed us just enough to keep us hooked, uncertain, in despair, feeling like we are going insane, we try harder, we love more - anything/everything - my cooking is only adequate - I'll take a cookery course immediately. You need a sex bomb at midnight - let me get a basque/stockings on and I'll drive straight over. We try to reason with them, explain, apologise - we keep coming to them for validation, they gaslight, project - it's not their fault, it's ours, they manipulate/lie - we lose the ability to tell what's the truth, what an event/action/word/OW really means. They know how to make us believe we are impotent with no idea how to change the situation and leave for good - we feel hopeless/worthless, we've put so much work/effort in, who else could possibly love me but the N/who else could possibly understand or fix the N but me - and we stay. We are intelligent women, we are often perfectionists - we can't fail at this - see I can put this right, I can fix this sad, troubled man. One crumb from him can flood us with enough of the drug to ease our pain and think everything is ok again - see I'm not mad, he really loves me, there is no OW - the perfect hoover. It's an all-consuming, thankless task, a full time job to be constantly boosting his ego/giving supply and it's a living hell 365 days/year. I'm exhausted just writing this. That is until we wake up, comprehend the situation is a madness, we start to look for answers, we read everything, we try to understand our codependency issues and how to deal with them, we go to forums. We gain knowledge, assistance, self-awareness, strength, confidence, courage, and the tools to move forward. We process all this with an analysis of our experiences with the N. Then we change, start the extrication process, we grow, leave the relationship, go NC, and never look back. Miss him? Miss who?

You want the man you initially met..you want the man who promised you the world...the man who said he loved you and you only. The issue is that that man does not exist...but you are struggling to face this reality. That is why you need a break...you need space to really get into the root of the issue. I read in your other post how you asked to go to a therapy session with him. I'm not sure what you were hoping to gleen other than to see him work his manipulation on someone else. You can't break free if you are still in contact with him. If you could take a mini break..you could possibly get some clarity. But the skies will always be murky and foggy while you are still in contact with him. My therapist once said this to me "There is no more for you to learn about this man, he has shown you who he is. It is you who keeps searching for some deeper meaning, some explanation that will make it all understandable...that you will not get. He is a Narcissist and you are an empath and you cannot understand him anymore than he can understand you...but he has shown you the limits of what he can offer and you are still longing. Is that not enough of a reason to let him go?" So I ask you Maggster the exact same question...is the fact that he will never give you what you want...EVER, enough of a reason to finally let him go?

It's the addiction. you are addicted to the way he made you feel in the beginning, the illusion. This will pass, it just takes time. You are detoxing, for the lack of a better word. before you know it, you will be dancing, celebrating, smiling.........it just takes time. Stay strong!

This is just a thought, but sometimes, when I think about my Narcs and feel weak. I analyse and think sometimes I feel the way you are feeling is due to ego or pride. Before I got involved with my Narcs, I was and sure I still am, a woman who thought high of her standards. Yet in reality, I know at the time, I had no boundaries! Nonetheless, I felt like my pride or ego was hurt. I was a woman who did the dumping...then I ended up with 3 men who devalued me. That was not something I was used to! So the rejection made me paddle harder..to a point of obsession and what I did never mattered. Nothing changed! They still devalued me! So this is that old head game you are playing with yourself...on rejection or abandonment! I am starting to talk to mine again..but I read him, and I see the same games....it is truly pathetic to see them! The only problem I have is feeling for the other women! As Lisa says in her ebook..We are people with people with a lot of empathy! I am learning to detach from that, and saving it for people who deserve it! Rejection sucks! No doubt! But have faith that they will do the same thing they did to you to the next and the next and the next. I can attest to this...my ex Narcs (one I have kids with) did the same to next 2 wives. I am friends with him as we have kids..but no feelings from the day I left him....so no worries..Your ex Narc will not be any better to another woman..YOU ARE NOT MISSING OUT ON ANYTHING!

My ex wife is a sick phuck narc, but every once in a while I catch myself thinking there must have been something wrong with me that she cheated. When I catch myself having those thoughts I know they are invalid and incorrect, so I stop thinking about it. But when it was all new I had no real power to stop thinking about it for long. We were in each others lives every day for 14 years, and the familiar is familiar, even when uncomfortable. It wasn't good with her, but it was what I did, and the breakdown at the end sent me into a descent into hell. Pain, growth, and now joy. It is a process...the only big mistake I made was waiting so long to go no contact...in real life when someone is real sick they get put into quarantine, and that is where I finally put the narc. The literature says she will always be sick, so I think she will stay in quarantine for quite awhile now. Lol, that thought makes me happy, because even deep down way inside I have no secret magical thought, and that is freedom. ds

I agree, I wish I can get him out of my head, I hate him for what he did to me yet hes always in my head. I know He doesnt think twice about me or my kids ,how do these monsters even sleep at night? it makes me sick

consume our lives but we need to regain our own lives back, it is an exciting addiction that keeps us from facing the voids in our lives, but we need to do that and realize these men are not Gods but maybe God awful, petty, small minded creatures who never fully developed into loving, caring, empathetic humans, sad ,fake people...........

There could be various explanation. It requires to know more about your particular situation. It can be a denial, a longing for the pain relief or some unresolved childhood conflict. One thing should consolate you though: it seems to be common to every breakup, when you are left with a broken heart and espcially common in the afternarc. So, there is nothing wrong with you. And being smart has nothing to do with having strong emotions about something or someone. You cab be the most intelligent person in this world and still you will not be able to control your emotions. They are just there and we cannot order them to leave us. They will stay with us until we finally processed them fully. What helped me a lot in my healing proceess is to change my wish from "I want to be with him" to "I want to stop wanting to be with him". What can I do to stop wanting? I invested in the process, I became more relaxed about the outcome and those negative emotions left me. Love Winter

I go through the same thing everyday. Yes, Cognitive Dissonance. I think it has to do with some kind of trauma bonding with me as well. Even thinking about him makes me sick and yet I think about it a lot. We must want the facade that they showed us and facing reality would be too painful at this moment in time. Hang in there, time really has made a difference.

I really don't want to be with him. I know this. But why do I feel the need to know what's going on with him...if he is still married...if he still has the gf that he betrayed me with...None of this should matter to me...but it's in my head and just wont leave. I want it gone and am very willing to be hypmotized to have any memory of him wiped out of my brain forever.

Because he has manipulated you, nothing else. He has shown you a false image of himself during the times "all was good" and it's that image you love, NOT the person. I believe you may be suffering from Cognitive Dissonance (contradictory thoughts), because you know who he is and what he does, but you are not admitting it to yourself yet. 15 years is a long time to be with an abuser. I'm pasting it, I've copied from another link: "Narcissists can be experts in manipulation and seduction of the opposite sex. Lowen defines seduction as a "false statement or promise to get another person to do what he or she would not otherwise do. The promise can be explicitly stated, or it can be implied. Psychopathic swindlers openly promise something they have no intention of giving. But most seductive ploys involve promises that are not clearly stated." (pg. 102). For a Narcissist seducing someone in to having sex with them reinforces their view of themselves as special and powerful - they have won control over the "object"." http://www.echo.me.uk/npd4.htm