Why Does This Hurt So Much and What Are We Really Missing?

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Jun 8 - 3AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

The other point I want to add

The other point I want to add to my earlier comment is we have to deal with the betrayal of everything that's been done to us and we CAN'T DO ANYTHING OR SAY ANYTHING to the source of our pain grr!!! It's so frustrating! In a normal relationship breakdown there is always some level of feelings, regrets and closure, but with these type of people there is nothing! Nothing but a tirade of abuse and disordered thinking. *sigh*
Jun 8 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten

It is evident you are still "very much" in the process; however, the insight you just shared, the fact that you can ARTICULATE exactly what the source of pain is now at this point...the distinction that it is about HURT rather than the NARC so to speak, is whether you realize it or not substantial growth! You are getting there, don't doubt it for a bit...the clarity of all of this comes in drips and drabs...kinda like chinese water torture...but eventually we get from under the drips. It is a shock to the system, we wear a veil of cognitive dissonance for a long time until it clicks...but it has clicked for you even though the pain is still there. They did not give the timeframe of 18 months for healing for nothing. Hugs!
Jun 8 - 1AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Boy Is that spot on, I

Boy Is that spot on, I couldn't have worded as well as you have. It IS the betrayal of us, what has been done to us that hurts the most. I don't want him back but I am so angry and disgusted at how me and my son were treated. How dare he??!!!! I gave and gave and he took and took until I was sucked dry, then I was discarded like a bag of shit! It's disgusting despicable behavior and he will burn in hell, they all will.
Jun 8 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Littleone

This is not meant to invalidate because we have to cycle through all the feelings and we do have to feel all of them...so they don't resurface later. BUT the reality is that you will once healied, realize that you and your son were blessed to be rid of him. Your son was the gift from God, and his leaving although painful, saved you AND your son from a lifetime of trauma and abuse. Now that you and your son will not have to live in terror under his thumb, you can raise a real man, a healty boy mentally, emotionally and physically. Hugs!
Jun 8 - 5AM (Reply to #11)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Yes your right... I know you

Yes your right... I know you are. I'm just angry and bitter. I didn't deserve this treatment and neither did my son. I'm not rid of this monster permanently unfortunately because he will probably always get access to the baby. Ugh. I wish he would just get out of my life. Forever.
Jun 8 - 1AM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

Smitten Kitten

Hi your post is one of the most heartfelt and expressive posts I have ever read here The title of it, rich with your raw emotion is certianly the post of someone on thier healing journey its pure and true, I mean, 12 weeks after the Narc is still a very fresh wound yet here you are speaking your truth speaking a truth that I for one feel as well its puzzling still that my exN has to deliver life and death pronouncements on a daily basis yes he knew all the ways to soften the blow has the 'script" down pat yet, in his personal life with me that was not his choice and I dont buy for a moment that they dont "know" that is an excuse...its not accurate they know they just dont "feel" his devaluation and discard of me is so excruciating I still can only speak of it in bits and pieces on some days its almost bearable other days...well, on those days I have no words not a syllable and so, I thank you with all of my heart for putting words to an experience that is most often at best, simply...inexplicable be blessed K
Jun 7 - 11PM
lostlove458
lostlove458's picture

Your right! WE MISS US,

Your right! WE MISS US, ourselves, the person we were before we gave them us! I have been struggling with this for 9 months. I live with side effects. I have slowly but surely gotten my confidence back because trust me It was gone! I am sorry, I am a bit emotional right now, but I love this post!
Jun 7 - 11PM
KEEP MOVING FORWARD
KEEP MOVING FORWARD's picture

I wish I could give you a hug...

Because this is EXACTLY how I am feeling today. There are some days where I feel so in control and so empowered and there are other days, like today, where all I want to do is cry. You were able to completely articulate what I'm feeling. It is so hard. And I get upset with myself because I really do love this person. I have accepted that there is nothing I could ever do to make this relationship work or be healthy, but it still doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts so damn much. I've never been through this type of experience before. We are all amazing people I think, that even though we have gone through these horrible experiences and would never treat anyone the way our N's treated us, we still have such an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness and strength. Today is not a strong day for me, but I know tomorrow will be better and I hope it gets better day by day for you. xoxo
Jun 7 - 10PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Hey Smitten

Every time I read your posts, its like I could have written it. I think our stories and circumstances are very, very similar. if you want to talk some time, let me know! but it is that peaceful, but lonely marriage that the N taps into, sees ripe, sitting prey and then just exploits that vulnerability, until he sucks everything out of us and kicks us to the street. He treated me better than anyone in my life and he treated me worse than anyone in my life - and it is so, so hard to come to grips with that! And then after they pull out, the loneliness and the pain are 100 times worse, because we have "seen the light" and felt the love and the passion and the excitement and now our marriages seem even more empty than before - although the calmness and the sanity are a welcome retreat. xoxo
Jun 7 - 10PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I say it as much to myself as to others....

I am not going to sugarcoat things...I did want him back, because I grew up with parents who exhibited Narc traits and Mr. N felt like the "answer" to what was broken from my childhood. If he could truly love me, then I would finally be lovable. That is why I struggle...I am addicted to the hope, the crumbs of feeling like "finally I'm adored". It's a sham...more and more of me gets it...but there is still a little girl inside who yearns for him to be her prince and rescue her. Letting go of that hope is a daily struggle within myself. The more mature and adult aspects "get" that the hope is a dream...that I will NEVER get what was lacking from my childhood, the little girls part wants DESPERATELY to cling to that hope. On my better days...I am happy to be free of him....on my not so good days...I want to text, email, call..do anything to get a crumb. So for me, it's not about the D&D only....it's about the whole Narc package. I will always be more attracted to Narcs for this reason...and it is because of that that I need to remind myself that it is a completely wrong relationship for me as much as my addicted heart desires differently.
Jun 7 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I felt the same way in the

I felt the same way in the beginning and still do to a certain extent. But when I realize how effed up he is and how lucky I am to NOT be married to him and what I won't have to look forward to that the new one will, ugh... I find that I'm walking around just HURT! Hurt because of what he did to me! Hurt because he led me on and made me fall for him on purpose when he knew all along how the whole "chapter" would play out. Sometimes I just can't BELIEVE he used me and conned me and hurt me the way he did. This is as much a part of the recovery as realizing my Prince Charming really is a toad, even though he told me those exact words.
Jun 7 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I really don't think that Narcs think that far in advance

At least Mr. N was very much focused on the present. He would talk about future goals, but I truly think he was driven by a "here and now" philosophy.
Jun 11 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
trying2heal
trying2heal's picture

Smitten

I also feel deep devastating pain. Some days I feel strength and then I crash. What is most aggravating is when people say ....Oh com'on .. you should have gotten over this by now!!! I want to say WTF F U! They have no idea what we endured! People who have no clue constantly say "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on" "get over it already"... I am so sick of hearing that, damn they have no clue. It is not like an ordinary relationship. I now doubt myself. I replay images and scenes of the relationship in my mind. I don't know if I will ever trust a man again. He raped my heart and soul on so many levels and he just moves on... sort of like a cockaroach after a nuclear war.... and I am left in the debris mangled .... Thank God, we have this place and each other to console. xo